Still having a problem w/ teen's friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Still having a problem w/ teen's friends
40
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 9:57am

I'm back . . .and still having problems which seem to be getting worse.

A little history. We've had an ongoing problem with one of my daughter's friends through the years . . .this girl comes from a sort of strict family and found our house to be more fun. We've always encouraged our daughter to have friend's over - we have gone over and beyond trying to make our house a happy home accommodating friends . . .but it started to become "unfun" when she started borrowing things and not returning them, thowing down wet towels after showers, raiding our refrigerator and leaving dirty dishes all over the house, eating from our candy dish and throwing the wrappers every which way, shrieking all through the house when we were trying to sleep (or asleep), spending the night sometimes four times in a row and bringing a bag and coming and going from our house as if she lived here. We've taken her on vacation with us - and she's helped herself to things I've bought for my daughter - new items without ever offering to pay or return them.

I've always tiptoed around my daughter and done everything for her - and never brought things up that would make her angry because she wasn't the easier teen. She went away to college, and we seemed to get along better - but every time she came back for a visit, her friend was over in a flash - and making a mess and overstaying her welcome in our house. I like that they are friends, but she'd always be here and we'd have to invite her out for meals or invite her to eat over all the time because she just didn't know when to leave.

I finally had to say something to my daughtter - that she had a home and shouldn't sleep here all the time, that she is welcome to a snack, but she should plan on eating out or at her own home - and that she should pick up after herself - that I'm not her slave. My daughter never understood and made it all about food - and now she makes snide remarks that when she goes over this girl's house, the parents love her and want her to eat anything she wants. Well, if my daughter only came over once in awhile, I'd be a whole lot welcoming to her too - it just got excessive, and she always left me a mess . . .

The first night my daughter came home from college, this girl was over - and I heard them all going downstairs to the kitchen to get a snack. It was late at night, so I was upstairs trying to sleep. I heard a dish break (which was my daughter's doing) and the friend thought that was hysterically funny, so she was screaming with laughter which really ticked me off. I wrote a text to my daughter "don't encourage her to snack" and "please close the door - she's so loud" and wouldn't you know, the girl was using my daughter's cell phone so she saw it. I felt horrible that she saw it, but it's the way I feel . . .and my frustration has led me to this.

Since then, my daughter has been laying into me here and there about how horrible I am for not wanting this kid over, but I have never banned her from my home. I simply said that she shouldn't spend countless days here and when she's here, she should pick up after herself. My daughter and I aren't getting along now, and she's not talking to me. My other daughter wants me to back down, but I just can't allow this to go on any further. I'm not asking for the world here - I simply want this friend to respect me - she's almost 20 years old, and it's time she learned how to act appropriately at my house. She has her own home to sleep and eat, and she cannot expect others to pick up after her - I don't think I'm asking too much.

My daughter thinks I'm being unreasonable and thinks I resent her friend for taking the time I have with my daughter away from her. I realize that at this age, kids don't want to spend time with their parents as much - believe me, we've made sacrifices for the kids and their friends - we haven't gone on a family vacation alone for years because my daughter insists on taking a friend - once we allowed the girls to each take three friends on a cruise with us - and I want my daughter to continue her friendship with this girl. I just don't want it to be 24/7 in my house!! She's not a bad kid, but it's to a point that every time she comes to the house, I just have to go in another room because I'm just so sick of seeing her here - she wore out her welcome a long long time ago.

My kids tell me that they do this to other families, and I tell them it's wrong - and they don't spend quite as much time as this girl did. And I know some of the parents and if they resented my kids being there a lot, they wouldn't have any trouble telling them - and I wouldn't be upset if they did. Besides that, their friends all have housecleaners. I clean my house myself and work hard at home!

i know I spoiled my kids - I never made them do any chores and catered to their every whim, but now I see wherre it didn't do them any favors . . .or me. I told my daughter that I wasn't backing down about this - her friend is welcome to come over, but there's some rules with that. Of course, I'm being made out to be the villain, and they are trying to make me feel guilty. When I tell friends about the situation, they all say they would have sat the friend down a long time ago - but my daughter would have been furious with me for doing so, so I try to let her handle it.

It's a gloomy Christmas with my daughter not talking to me, and I feel terrible because she said I'm the reason she doesn't want to come home anymore - because she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house anymore. This is the only time in her life where I have ever set rules. For her whole life, I'd tiptoe around her bad moods, her taking everything out on me - and I have done everything for her to make her life as happy and wonderful as I could . . .and this is what I get in return . . .

Merry Christmas.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 6:39am

I'm so sorry you're having to go thru this, especially at Christmas time. But I also hope that parents who are tiptoeing around their 13 y/os are reading this, coz it does NOT get better if you don't deal with the attitudes, moods, rudeness and entitlement early, it only gets worse. Parental love does not mean indulging, spoiling, and allowing them to trample over you, it's about setting limits to their craziness and teaching them to be responsible, respectful adults, and it has to start long before their teenage years. They need to learn early on that the world does NOT revolve around them, no matter how badly they want it to.

It's not too late to set some rules, but you're going to have to deal with some tantrums from your daughter. Part of 2 yr old tantrums are about anger at not having their every whim indulged, and since your DD didn't learn that 18 years ago, she's going to have to get a glimpse of it now. There is nothing wrong with setting time aside for family time, when no guests are welcome. There is nothing wrong with saying "tonight is family dinner, so you'll have to exit before 5." And there is especially nothing wrong with saying "we're going on a family vacation next weekend, just us." Yeah the kids will gripe about it initially, but they'll get over it. Don't beat yourself up over it and don't let DD guilt you into giving in.

My DIL 22 makes no bones about it, she's always been daddy's spoiled princess, and could always pretty much get whatever she wanted from daddy. She now has trouble getting along in the adult world where everything can't go her way. She's upset with someone almost all the time, and pretty much only seems happy when she's at her parents' house (where the indulgence continues) or when she's with my DS who also indulges her every whim. Thing is, their marriage is young yet, and there is going to come a time when he gets tired of it too, before he was sent to Iraq by the USMC I could see it coming, and it's definitely going to be something they're going to have to deal with when he gets back in a couple of months.

Hang in there, your DD will get over it.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 7:57am

Rose,

Where were you a few years ago! Good advice.

Yes, I did spoil the kids - I let them do whatever they wanted, gave into their every whim . ...they just wore on me emotionally, and it was easier just letting them get their way. But with all that said, they are good kids - and when they go to other people's houses, they know how to act which is good . . .when they come home, they step on me and constantly push my buttons, but I'm learning - mostly out of frustration and anger!

That's interesting because my older daughter is upset with someone most of the time. I'm like that too . . .but I'm not sure if it's because I have to have my way. I'm on the sensitive side . . .

My younger daughter is willing to take a vacation with us - my older daughter doesn't want to, so maybe the solution is to wait until she is back in college and take a nice vacation with our daughter. We did that last summer - the little one was really not pleasant though - she made me wish I did take a friend . . .I suppose I'll miss all this when they move out?

I'm sure your daughter will have to find some way to grow up too - I hope that it will happen, but nothing is overnight. I'm sure it will be very hard for them until she realizes that it's not all about her.

Thanks, Rose - my daughter still isn't talking to me, but I'm still holding firm. I know I'm right with this one . .. .

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 4:21pm

Maybe you will just have to take a vacation w/ just your DH and leave the kids home since they don't appreciate it anyway. I have kind of a diff. situation where my oldest is 17 DD and she really doesn't care for my DH & DSD, so last summer she said she didn't want to go on vacation w/ us. My DS (11) was saying "you should make her come" and I said that there was no way I was going to spend money taking her along when she didn't want to come and then everyone would be miserable. Plus there was an easy soluation that she could stay at her dad's house. I felt bad that she wasn't there, but I know it was the best idea. At that point, my DS and DSD got along ok, so she would have been the 3rd wheel. We could just never afford to take other kids on vacation w/ us. The one time was when we were going to New Hampshire just for a weekend and since we were staying in a condo anyway, we wouldn't have to pay extra for another kid, so I told DD that she could bring a friend. Well, her friend's mother was punishing her and then didn't let her go at the last minute, so DD wasn't happy the whole weekend. :(

Well, too much digression, but I'm bored here at work. I do agree that you can't back down at this point. You are changing the previous rules, which was giving your kids the power over you and now you are taking it back, so of course they are going to be upset, but they will live. I am not that strict, but I wouldn't say I let my kids do everything they want. They still have to follow certain rules and since I don't have that many, the ones I have are for a reason, so I am pretty firm on them. For ex, the law says that a driver under 18 can't drive after midnight. I have nagged my DD to death on that one but I feel like how can I say that she doesn't have to obey the law? It's not my role to say whether or not I agree w/ it (and I do) but I'm sure a lot of parents don't care. Then their kid will get a ticket or get in an accident and the insurance won't pay and all kinds of problems that the child can't forsee because they are immature (even though they don't think so) will occur. Plus I work so I'm not about to clean up after my kids after I get home from work. They need to know how to at least do the basics for when they live by themselves. I did have to laugh though when DD got a job in a store and was told to sweep the floor at the end of the day and didn't know how to sweep.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 5:08pm
That's pretty funny that your daughter didn't know how to sweep the floor. At least she got a job though - my 19 year old refuses . . .well, she might do an internship this summer, but that will be the first time in her life. She's worked very hard in school and achieved from that, but as far as tidying up her room or working or doing any chores whatsoever, nothing!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 5:43pm

DD is a young adult now so I personally wouldnt look at this as being for her as much as being an opportunity for growth for you. I too like everyone to be happy and get upset when others are upset. Its easier to give in than to live with the misery of others at times!

It's not healthy-you know that and I know that! No adult-coworker, friend, neighbor, spouse, or adult child-should be allowed to take advantage of you.

So stand up for YOURSELF(and yes, this is MY New Years resolution as well)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 6:13pm

Thank you, windrush - I know in my heart that I'm right. I've never thought about it that way, but it is a learning experience for me - everyone always said I do too much for the girls . . .and I knew that they were right, but I just wanted to please them and make life as easy as possible for them - they do take advantage of me . . .and all for what . . .they lost respect for me too because they could hurt my feelings or throw their stuff down because I'd always be there to pick up for them - or to give them money whenever they wanted.

My daughter still isn't talking to me. I can't say I am pleased about that, but I'm not backing down. It isn't even a topic for discussion anymore. I'm even more upset with my daughter's friend for breaking down my relationship with my daughter, but my daughter has to take some of the blame.

Meanwhile, I think I need to have a little talk with my younger daughter too - I just went into her room - clothes all over the place, food, drinks . . .and a wet towel. I'm going to tell her that she must be neater or no money or no new clothes. I have a new law around the house . . .I named it after the friend that overstepped her bounds . . .effective immediately! I'm not their slave anymore.

Thanks and Happy New Year to you too!!!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:44pm

"she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house anymore"

See, that's where I'd have to remind her, that while it may be her home, the "house" belongs to me which gives me the right and privledge of setting the rules. Remind her, that when she's grown and moved out all on her own, she may have her friends over 24/7 if she wants, but while she's home from school "at YOUR house" she may only have them over on X & X days for a few hours, then they need to go home. And, that if's she's going to be all sully and unreasonable, she's more than welcome to go hang out at their houses while she's home from school. Let the girl's parents feed her, etc for a while. She'll probably be wearing out her welcome if they're that strict anyway.

Just wait until she's out on her own and she finds that she's got to spend a bunch of money on feeding her friends. She'll know then exactly what good old Mom meant.

HTH

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 10:15pm

You are right, you know? It's her house, and I always want her to feel welcome and happy to be home, but she needs to realize that we do have rules when she comes home now. We aren't running a Bed and Breakfast, and our home isn't a dorm room.

Well, she's still not talking to me - she just has been going out with friends and not having them at our house. I am not budging and caving in and telling her I'm sorry because that's just the way I feel, and I know I'm right.

She somehow blames me for everything that went wrong in her life which I don't understand because I have always accommodated her in every way - putting up with her friends, her moods, her quirks . . .all because I love her. But I do see how this was a big mistake - and I don't think she's really respected me since she turned into a teenager, but that's the way it goes . . .

I can only hope that she does realize why I put my foot down with her friend imposing. Yes, if she had to pay for her friend herself, she would object - it would get old real quickly.

Thanks, your advice was well taken.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 10:34am

Well, I think that's kind of funny that your DD wouldn't get a job. I didn't give my DD a choice. When she turned 16, she had to get a job. Then my mom offered to give her a used car ( a real little old lady car that was 10 yrs. old but only had 40,000 miles on it). The agreement was, if you want your own car, you pay for gas & insurance. She can complain all she wants, and she does every time she has to pay for the ins., which is pretty expensive in MA. If I really had enough to pay for it, I would, but I don't, plus that was the deal. There is no reason she really has to have a car since she could take the bus to school 2 houses down and her job is only a mile away and she could take the bus. I would let her borrow my car to go out, not necessarily every time she wanted to though. I know she really enjoys the freedom of having her own car and being able to go wherever she wants. So if I had a 19 yo who didn't want to work, she wouldn't be getting any money to go out either. It would be her choice. Or I would say, we will give you X dollars a week, but to get that, you have to do certain chores and if you don't do it, no money.

Now my DD, a senior, manages to work part-time, she is in the top 10% of her class and is also involved in activities. She just sent in her apps. to college. On the other hand, my DSD (16) didn't have a job last summer and just sat around the house. My DH would agree that she should get a job, but didn't put in the effort to see that she actually applied. She wasn't asking us for money cause she doesn't go out much, but when I was looking at the college apps. and they asked to send a resume or to fill out activities, etc. I know that DSD will just have a lot of blank spaces. She finally did get a job only 6 hours a week doing after school daycare for younger kids, which she likes. I think having a p.t. job is really good for kids. It gives them self-esteem when they accomplish something, they learn how to relate to other people and they get responsibility.

Hang in there, I know it's tough to stand your ground when you feel that your kids don't like you. Every time my DD complains that she has to pay for her insurance when her friends don't, it makes me feel bad, but then I think that when she graduates from college with a degree in nursing, she'll probably be making more money than me.

And every kid blames their parents for something. My friend was telling me that her 20 yo son blames her for his lack of having a girlfriend because she sent him to an all boys high school. So it's always something, but at some point, they just have to take responsibility for their own life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 11:18am

Wow, you are great! I wish my kids could go to your house and talk to your kids, so that they could see how good they have it. Your kids will be much better off in the long run - you have prepared them well for the real world.

I totally spoiled my kids - no work, no chores, and I pick up after them constantly - they do nothing in the house - and look where it's gotten me. They have no respect for me!

My kids drive around in expensive cars with unlimited gas - and they don't have to pay for insurance. I'm not bragging; I'm embarrassed!

I know you are right - that getting a job builds self esteem and self worth. I used to work for my father when I was pretty young - and summers . . .I worked up until the age of about 25 and then I had children, so I stopped.

Well, you will be proud of me - other than doing my older daughter's laundry (if she puts it in the basket), I haven't been in her room to clean or make her bed or pick up her food.

I hope that one day she will appreciate everything I did for her. . .but for now, she doesn't like me very much. I am her mother; not her friend!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

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