Still having a problem w/ teen's friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Still having a problem w/ teen's friends
40
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 9:57am

I'm back . . .and still having problems which seem to be getting worse.

A little history. We've had an ongoing problem with one of my daughter's friends through the years . . .this girl comes from a sort of strict family and found our house to be more fun. We've always encouraged our daughter to have friend's over - we have gone over and beyond trying to make our house a happy home accommodating friends . . .but it started to become "unfun" when she started borrowing things and not returning them, thowing down wet towels after showers, raiding our refrigerator and leaving dirty dishes all over the house, eating from our candy dish and throwing the wrappers every which way, shrieking all through the house when we were trying to sleep (or asleep), spending the night sometimes four times in a row and bringing a bag and coming and going from our house as if she lived here. We've taken her on vacation with us - and she's helped herself to things I've bought for my daughter - new items without ever offering to pay or return them.

I've always tiptoed around my daughter and done everything for her - and never brought things up that would make her angry because she wasn't the easier teen. She went away to college, and we seemed to get along better - but every time she came back for a visit, her friend was over in a flash - and making a mess and overstaying her welcome in our house. I like that they are friends, but she'd always be here and we'd have to invite her out for meals or invite her to eat over all the time because she just didn't know when to leave.

I finally had to say something to my daughtter - that she had a home and shouldn't sleep here all the time, that she is welcome to a snack, but she should plan on eating out or at her own home - and that she should pick up after herself - that I'm not her slave. My daughter never understood and made it all about food - and now she makes snide remarks that when she goes over this girl's house, the parents love her and want her to eat anything she wants. Well, if my daughter only came over once in awhile, I'd be a whole lot welcoming to her too - it just got excessive, and she always left me a mess . . .

The first night my daughter came home from college, this girl was over - and I heard them all going downstairs to the kitchen to get a snack. It was late at night, so I was upstairs trying to sleep. I heard a dish break (which was my daughter's doing) and the friend thought that was hysterically funny, so she was screaming with laughter which really ticked me off. I wrote a text to my daughter "don't encourage her to snack" and "please close the door - she's so loud" and wouldn't you know, the girl was using my daughter's cell phone so she saw it. I felt horrible that she saw it, but it's the way I feel . . .and my frustration has led me to this.

Since then, my daughter has been laying into me here and there about how horrible I am for not wanting this kid over, but I have never banned her from my home. I simply said that she shouldn't spend countless days here and when she's here, she should pick up after herself. My daughter and I aren't getting along now, and she's not talking to me. My other daughter wants me to back down, but I just can't allow this to go on any further. I'm not asking for the world here - I simply want this friend to respect me - she's almost 20 years old, and it's time she learned how to act appropriately at my house. She has her own home to sleep and eat, and she cannot expect others to pick up after her - I don't think I'm asking too much.

My daughter thinks I'm being unreasonable and thinks I resent her friend for taking the time I have with my daughter away from her. I realize that at this age, kids don't want to spend time with their parents as much - believe me, we've made sacrifices for the kids and their friends - we haven't gone on a family vacation alone for years because my daughter insists on taking a friend - once we allowed the girls to each take three friends on a cruise with us - and I want my daughter to continue her friendship with this girl. I just don't want it to be 24/7 in my house!! She's not a bad kid, but it's to a point that every time she comes to the house, I just have to go in another room because I'm just so sick of seeing her here - she wore out her welcome a long long time ago.

My kids tell me that they do this to other families, and I tell them it's wrong - and they don't spend quite as much time as this girl did. And I know some of the parents and if they resented my kids being there a lot, they wouldn't have any trouble telling them - and I wouldn't be upset if they did. Besides that, their friends all have housecleaners. I clean my house myself and work hard at home!

i know I spoiled my kids - I never made them do any chores and catered to their every whim, but now I see wherre it didn't do them any favors . . .or me. I told my daughter that I wasn't backing down about this - her friend is welcome to come over, but there's some rules with that. Of course, I'm being made out to be the villain, and they are trying to make me feel guilty. When I tell friends about the situation, they all say they would have sat the friend down a long time ago - but my daughter would have been furious with me for doing so, so I try to let her handle it.

It's a gloomy Christmas with my daughter not talking to me, and I feel terrible because she said I'm the reason she doesn't want to come home anymore - because she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house anymore. This is the only time in her life where I have ever set rules. For her whole life, I'd tiptoe around her bad moods, her taking everything out on me - and I have done everything for her to make her life as happy and wonderful as I could . . .and this is what I get in return . . .

Merry Christmas.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:27pm

Mare,

I'm dropping in a little late here ...

Sorry your DD is treating you like dirt about all this. As hard as it may have been to hear, it seems you have recognized that you created this creature yourself!

It seems to me that your DD is manipulating you -- probably has all her life. My DH used to be positively brilliant about making me out to be the bad guy when I got mad at him. He would somehow manage to turn it around so that I felt guilty about being upset! Your DD has learned this too, it seems, and I have to comment that DH grew up in a home with a DM who was much like you. Did all the housework, laundry, picking up, putting away, etc. DH and his 3 siblings didn't do much to contribute in that regard and FIL picked up the slack with trash, vehicle maintenance, yardwork, etc. They don't visit much anymore, but when they did MIL and FIL used to almost always leave upset because I am 'mean to my children' -- I made them pick up after themselves and got upset at MIL and FIL when they tried to do it for them! OR ... if I was hard on DD and DS for being rude or mean to one another and/or disrespectful.

None of the four children in DH's family seems to know how to manage a home. Oldest BIL is a bachelor and eats out or carries in and eats off paper plates with plastic utensils for EVERY meal, DH has me, youngest BIL has a wife who hails from a different culture in which women are subservient to men, and SIL (on her 3rd husband) hires a housekeeper and doesn't know how to cook. Whenever possible, MIL and/or FIL go to each childs' home (except mine, because I don't allow it) and cleans, does laundry and yardwork 'so they don't have to'. MIL and FIL live in the same town as SIL and they go weekly to SIL's house to see 'what needs to be done' and then do it -- whether it be yardwork, garage cleaning, laundry or touch-up painting. Even though this is none of my business, it drives me nuts. They have not allowed their children to grow up. I know because I am married to one of their children and I made the mistake of doing exactly what they have done -- everything. I just pulled off Christmas all by myself -- bought and decorated tree and house (including outside lights), all gift shopping and wrapping (except mine from him), Christmas cards and greetings, baked, wrapped, sent, cooked, cleaned up ... well you get the picture while DH relaxed and had a lovely holiday. Things like holidays and a well-kept home just seem to 'happen' for DH with little effort on his part. He STILL does not get that it takes an amazing amount of time and effort to keep our lives going. I am a SAHM and he thinks I have 'all the time in the world' for myself.

Don't beat yourself up over this but do yourself a favor -- start making changes now! Your future sons and daughters-in-law will thank you.

As long as you continue to do for your DD, she will not appreciate it, she will expect it. And she will expect it from her husband and extended family later in life. Am there, seen it, and am still doing it!




Edited 12/27/2006 12:33 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:40pm

May I ask why you are doing a 19 year old's laundry? If she is away at college, she must have to do it for herself at the dorm. Show her where the washing machine is in your house and how to use it. When I first met my ex, he was about 22 yrs. old. There were 6 kids in the family and I think 5 of them were living at home at the time. The mother used to do all their laundry--each one of them had a day. For some reason, she didn't have a clothes drier either, she used to hang the wash outside. And he was the youngest. I just couldn't believe it. I started doing my laundry in high school when my mother (accidently?) washed a wool sweater of mine and shrunk it to doll size. Well, I think the diff. was that my mother worked after my brother & I were a little older and my MIL never worked. Maybe since you didn't work outside the home, you have extra time and somehow felt like you should be taking care of everyone. You know, you start doing that when the kids are little and then just don't get out of the habit.

I'll tell you a story that even amazed me. I am a divorce lawyer and I represent a lot of Chinese people. There is one couple w/ an 18 yo son who is a senior in h.s. I explained to the mother (my client) that she is entitled to child support until he graduates from college. The son came in and said he didn't want to pressure his father by making him pay child support. I asked him about who is going to pay for college and he said "don't worry about it, I'll either get scholarships or financial aid and everything else, I can get a job and pay for it myself." I wanted my DD to meet this kid because even though we can't afford to pay for her to go to a private college, I expect that my ex & I will be paying for whatever she doesn't get for fin. aid.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 1:56pm

Merry Christmas, Mare.

I have some input for you from the daughter of someone just like you - this is how my mother raised all four of us. She was a SAHM for years, so she did everything. Although she would have "liked" our help, she didn't demand it, and what kid in their right mind will do it voluntarily? Perhaps some qualified for sainthood, but nope, not me. And not my siblings. While I love my mother dearly, I did lose respect for her. She was pretty much a doormat all her life. It wasn't till I was older that I realized what I had done, and then I was ashamed. My own self esteem suffered as I went out into the world, feeling ill equipped to deal with life on my own. And yes, it's embarassing when you don't know how to clean, when no one bothered to show you, or make you learn how. Your peers do notice. They start to lose respect for you; the cycle repeats.

Because you have girls, it is going to be a huge wake up call to them when they realize that many guys were brought up the same way (I have a friend with boys who did everything for them) and expect the "woman" to do the work - so it will be interesting to see if she winds up with someone like that, who will clean/cook/etc.? I wound up teaching myself how to do many things when I was out on my own - okay, cleaning doesn't require any degree, but you have to have the drive to stay on top of it. I wound up marrying a man who was raised by a strict single mother and he knew how to take care of himself.

Stick to your guns - maybe draw up a contract with your girls of expectations. Tell them you're tired of being their doormat, you've made some mistakes, but everyone is entitled to a second chance. Tell them you are hereby demanding their respect.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:35pm

You are absolutely right - I did created this monster. I value your opinion and your experience and take it all in - I wish I could respond in full to you, but I'm just exhausted mentally from all this - time for a nap, but I agree with what you are saying that I created the monster!!!

Happy New Year

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:39pm

Mare-
I really hope I am not too late, but I too was in a situation similar to yours. My daughter, who at the time was about 17 or 18, now about 22, had this friend who drove me crazy! I couldn't stand her and I, like you, told my daughter how I felt. She was LIVID and since it was summer, she was never home. I didn't see her at all, and I was incredibly unhappy. My daughter is my life, and without her around, I was nothing. As nice as it was not having to see her friend, I missed my daughter, and realized that she was more important to me than any dislike, or problem I had. My relationship with my daughter was not comparable to any of that. I realized that I should just put it behind me, and since then my daughter has respected me more than she ever has before.

Mare, honestly, as strongly as you feel, your relationship with your daughter is the most important thing to be concerned about it. Friends come and go, but your daughter will always be in your life. She is YOUR life. Both of your daughters are. I'm not telling you to back down, because that's not what you should do. Just tell her, as much as I am not fond of your friend, you mean everything to me, and our relationship means more to me. Just tell her to respect your needs, and you will try your best to respect her friend if she respects you. The messes? The towels? Realistically speaking, it's your daughters faults right there, she didn't pick them up, or ask her friend to pick them up. This wouldn't even become a problem if your daughter told her friend to pick up after herself.

As for your younger daughter, don't get her involved. Something like this could tear a family apart. Keep this between you and your older daughter.

Lets look into reality, don't create a set of new rules, or "laws" because lets be serious here, if they have lived without them for more than 15 years, then it is not an easy adjustment. They love you, they always have. But lets be serious here, they won't abide by them because once your daughter goes back to college, your younger one will just have to do these.

If your younger daughter is willing to go on vacation, take her on one. Do it while your college daughter is at school, don't ruin the last years of fun you have with your daughter at home because the older one won't come. Live life to the fullest.

From what i've read here Mare, it seems as if your younger daughter is more mature than your older daughter. Talk to her about this situation rationally, and tell her that you don't want it to interfere with both of your relationships. Bring her out with you for a mother daughter day, bring her shopping, show her that you still love her regardless of how your relationship is going with your other daughter.

I hope this helps Mare, tell me if you have any other concerns or questions.

Joyce

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:41pm

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you,

Yes, I do agree that I did lose the respect from my daughters when I became their doormat - it's very hard to correct the problem because now they are angry, and I just hate confict or bad feelings . . .but I'm so overwhelmed and overworked. I can't do it anymore, and I shouldn't have to.

It would be disasterous if they met a man who did the same - I don't think the marriage would last! I hope they do realize one day what I have done for them and how they took advantage of me. And I was happy to do it for them, but I got extremely upset when this friend took advantage - now my daughter's friend thinks I'm evil, but I don't care. I'm not her slave, and she cannot come over 24/7 and live in this house as one of my own - it took awhile for me to wear down, but I put my foot down on that one.

Anyway, thanks for your support!!!!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 3:57pm

Hi Joyce,

Thanks for your advice. I did try to just put the whole thing behind me and go on for the sake of my relationship with my daughter, but I just can't tolerate it anymore. I know it's put a strain on the family, but my daughter has to learn to respect me - I've always done for my daughter, and she doesn't appreciate anything . . .it's ok for her to hear the word "no". I've been trying to deal with this problem for over a year - I begged her to talk to her friend - that I wasn't fair that this girl was imposing on me - I don't like the way things are, and she knows I'm not budging with this. She's 19 years old, and old enough to be doing these things for herself - and she should realize that it's rude of them both to think that I'm going to pick up after them. I couldn't ignore it any longer, and I couldn't hide my feelings each time this girl came over. She knew I was irritated, yet she still carried on and made a pest of herself. It's too bad that it came to this, but my daughter cannot carry on like this - she is 19; almost 20 and should think of others sometimes.

I told my younger daughter today that I would not get her involved. I do have a pretty good relationship with her - and, yes, in some ways, she is much more mature than her older sister. I'd like to take a vacation with my younger daughter - we always have rules that my older daughter makes about vacations. She won't go on a vacation with us unless a friend is invited - well, we've taken three cruises and allowed her to bring friends - the last cruise she took three friends . . .so we've been more than accommodating and nice. We'd like to take a vacation without friends - it's ok to take friends sometimes, but we don't get many chances to go away, and I don't want to spend it with my daughters friends - I don't like the responsibility, and it's not relaxing! We've been more than gracious, generous and accommodating to our kid's friends - we've had enough!

I hope that my daughter will come around and understand that I am not wrong. She can continue to have friends here, but on our terms. She brought three friends home from college, and it was fine, and another girl from college in the summer, and it was fine - and friends from home which is also fine because they know when to leave - but this one friend just thought she was entitled to everything in our house, and the maid service - it had to stop, and there was no other way other than to be cold to her to make it stop. She thought it was all about food, but that was just a fraction of the problem. I like someone to feel comfortable in my home, and I enjoy when the kids have friends over, but they have to have manners and know when it's time to leave. This girl was spending up to four nights in a row in our home - and eating and showering constantly too - and this went on for years with her helping herself to everything, making a mess and it just drove me crazy to see her here all the time taking advantage of the situation!

I do love my children more than anything in the world - and I have done everything in my power to make them happy and keeping them safe - but I feel used now, and it's just not right!

Happy New Year!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:37pm

Joyce,
The first time I read your post, something bothered me about it, but it took a second reading before I figured it out. It was your comment that "My daughter is my life, and without her around, I was nothing." So what happens when she marries, has a family of her own? Is your son in law going to resent having you around all the time, or are they going to move far away from you as so many young couples end up doing these days? Then what happens to you?

I speak from a certain amount of experience. I've always been very close to my children, especially S (DS 22) and N (DD15), but also to J (DS 22) and Z (DS 19). The 3 DSs have pretty much moved on with their lives - all at once I might add, one of them having married a year ago, and DD now has a b/f that occupies a huge share of her time. When the DSs all enlisted in the military within a year of each other, I had about 6 months where I was totally lost. Things are much better now that I have a life separate from my children, other interests, other friends, in addition to my children. Your DD isn't going to allow you to be the center of her life forever, once she marries and has children of her own, it just isn't healthy either. I strongly suggest you find something else to center your life around, or when the nest is truly empty, you're going to be floundering. My DD and I still spend a lot of time together, but not like we used to before she had the b/f. And we're both a whole lot happier for it.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 6:46pm

You can only be walked on as long as you allow yourself to be a doormat. Good for you for standing up for yourself, and stick to your guns. I don't know where you live, but in our community, the kids who have the expensive new cars, everything given to them, are able to take their friends along on cruises, well.... they just aren't respected by the other kids. We live in a community where the norm is to get at least a summer job at 16, even if it's just babysitting... and the kids who have everything handed to them are not only viewed as "spoiled little rich kids" but they also are sometimes used by the other kids because of the material things they can offer - and I have to wonder if that isn't part of what's going on with your daughter's friend.

I was a little put back that your DD is 19 and has never worked. How is she to know the value of anything if she's never had to work for it? My DD got her first job at 14 1/2, washing dishes at a local restaurant. Now when she wants those $100 jeans, I ask her, 'is it worth washing dishes for 20 hours?" Most often the answer is no. Not only does she appreciate the things she buys for herself a whole lot more now that she understands what it takes to earn the $$ to buy them, but she values the things I provide for her too - all lessons that will serve her well as an adult.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:35pm

I do agree with everything you are saying - "rich spoiled kids" is correct - but my older daughter does appreciate things like that and has a hard time spending money on herself . . .she does live a priviledged life, but she does realize that money is precious. I do think she should get a job and learn though how hard it is to make a living - because as much as she does appreciate all we do for her financially, she just doesn't have a clue!

In one way, I think it's good for them to face hardships - I grew up in a wealthy family, but I married someone very poor and had to go through some tough times (it was good for me) - I did have a lot growing up, but my father knew the true value of money - I didn't get too much.

I do agree with you though . . .I have given in to my kids and given way too much of the easy life!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and