Still having a problem w/ teen's friends
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| Mon, 12-25-2006 - 9:57am |
I'm back . . .and still having problems which seem to be getting worse.
A little history. We've had an ongoing problem with one of my daughter's friends through the years . . .this girl comes from a sort of strict family and found our house to be more fun. We've always encouraged our daughter to have friend's over - we have gone over and beyond trying to make our house a happy home accommodating friends . . .but it started to become "unfun" when she started borrowing things and not returning them, thowing down wet towels after showers, raiding our refrigerator and leaving dirty dishes all over the house, eating from our candy dish and throwing the wrappers every which way, shrieking all through the house when we were trying to sleep (or asleep), spending the night sometimes four times in a row and bringing a bag and coming and going from our house as if she lived here. We've taken her on vacation with us - and she's helped herself to things I've bought for my daughter - new items without ever offering to pay or return them.
I've always tiptoed around my daughter and done everything for her - and never brought things up that would make her angry because she wasn't the easier teen. She went away to college, and we seemed to get along better - but every time she came back for a visit, her friend was over in a flash - and making a mess and overstaying her welcome in our house. I like that they are friends, but she'd always be here and we'd have to invite her out for meals or invite her to eat over all the time because she just didn't know when to leave.
I finally had to say something to my daughtter - that she had a home and shouldn't sleep here all the time, that she is welcome to a snack, but she should plan on eating out or at her own home - and that she should pick up after herself - that I'm not her slave. My daughter never understood and made it all about food - and now she makes snide remarks that when she goes over this girl's house, the parents love her and want her to eat anything she wants. Well, if my daughter only came over once in awhile, I'd be a whole lot welcoming to her too - it just got excessive, and she always left me a mess . . .
The first night my daughter came home from college, this girl was over - and I heard them all going downstairs to the kitchen to get a snack. It was late at night, so I was upstairs trying to sleep. I heard a dish break (which was my daughter's doing) and the friend thought that was hysterically funny, so she was screaming with laughter which really ticked me off. I wrote a text to my daughter "don't encourage her to snack" and "please close the door - she's so loud" and wouldn't you know, the girl was using my daughter's cell phone so she saw it. I felt horrible that she saw it, but it's the way I feel . . .and my frustration has led me to this.
Since then, my daughter has been laying into me here and there about how horrible I am for not wanting this kid over, but I have never banned her from my home. I simply said that she shouldn't spend countless days here and when she's here, she should pick up after herself. My daughter and I aren't getting along now, and she's not talking to me. My other daughter wants me to back down, but I just can't allow this to go on any further. I'm not asking for the world here - I simply want this friend to respect me - she's almost 20 years old, and it's time she learned how to act appropriately at my house. She has her own home to sleep and eat, and she cannot expect others to pick up after her - I don't think I'm asking too much.
My daughter thinks I'm being unreasonable and thinks I resent her friend for taking the time I have with my daughter away from her. I realize that at this age, kids don't want to spend time with their parents as much - believe me, we've made sacrifices for the kids and their friends - we haven't gone on a family vacation alone for years because my daughter insists on taking a friend - once we allowed the girls to each take three friends on a cruise with us - and I want my daughter to continue her friendship with this girl. I just don't want it to be 24/7 in my house!! She's not a bad kid, but it's to a point that every time she comes to the house, I just have to go in another room because I'm just so sick of seeing her here - she wore out her welcome a long long time ago.
My kids tell me that they do this to other families, and I tell them it's wrong - and they don't spend quite as much time as this girl did. And I know some of the parents and if they resented my kids being there a lot, they wouldn't have any trouble telling them - and I wouldn't be upset if they did. Besides that, their friends all have housecleaners. I clean my house myself and work hard at home!
i know I spoiled my kids - I never made them do any chores and catered to their every whim, but now I see wherre it didn't do them any favors . . .or me. I told my daughter that I wasn't backing down about this - her friend is welcome to come over, but there's some rules with that. Of course, I'm being made out to be the villain, and they are trying to make me feel guilty. When I tell friends about the situation, they all say they would have sat the friend down a long time ago - but my daughter would have been furious with me for doing so, so I try to let her handle it.
It's a gloomy Christmas with my daughter not talking to me, and I feel terrible because she said I'm the reason she doesn't want to come home anymore - because she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house anymore. This is the only time in her life where I have ever set rules. For her whole life, I'd tiptoe around her bad moods, her taking everything out on me - and I have done everything for her to make her life as happy and wonderful as I could . . .and this is what I get in return . . .
Merry Christmas.

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I think it's time for you to go on strike! Have you tried that?
For about half of my life with children I've worked only part-time rather than full-time, and both DSs and my DH took advantage of that. I, too, felt obligated to do everything since I had more time at home. But when they would start leaving dirty dishes lying around or throwing wet towels on the floor, or pee on the toilet seat, I'd declare that I was on strike. Really blew up so they all thought I was absolutely nuts--maybe I was. And I let them do everything for a week.
We never paid allowances to our sons, but did expect them to help out whenever we asked them to. DS17 is much better about that than DS23 ever was. And even though DS23 never had to do much at home, he learned what he needed to get by in college and beyond. When he was in college we went to visit him when he lived in a house with about 5 girls and 5 guys. He proudly told me about what great pasta he cooks, and then showed me the sauce he uses--he grabbed a jar of partially-used pasta sauce from the shelf, NOT from the refrigerator. When I asked him how long it'd been on the shelf, he calmly replied "maybe a week, or so". That's when I felt like I had failed as a mother. He's just been learning things the hard way, I guess. But they will learn when they need to.
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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
Yeah, when you blow up and have had it, they think you are pycho! My daughter said that I need psychological help because I told her I've had it with her friend -
I did tell her I wasn't picking up after her, but she just let her room get disgusting with clothing, food and wet towels. I couldn't take it anymore.
My daughter still isn't talking to me and thinks I'm going to back down, but I will not allow this friend to take advantage anymore. All I'm asking is that this kid not sleep over countless night and to pick up after herself - it isn't a lot to ask!
Thanks for your advice and Happy New Year!
You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and
I'm a little late in reading this post...but here goes. You have every right to make demands/rules for your home for your own children and their friends. Period. You need to stop worrying so much about your daughter being angry or upset with you over the new rules for this particular friend. Your daughter needs to learn to respect your wishes as her mom and the homeowner and "grow up".
Just my .02.
Hi Debby,
I know you are right, and I know I'm right - it's just that the treatment I'm getting from everyone is torturous. I don't how they don't understand - that I have every right to put my foot down to this friend trashing our home - and that she cannot spend every night here . . .I'm trying to just go on with my life now, but it's kind of tearing me apart, and I've lost weight and sleep over this all. My daughter still isn't talking to me which upsets me, but I won't be taken advantage of anymore . . .
Happy New Year -
You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and
What does your daughter want?
Me? Im big on compromise-perhaps too much sometimes but you have never said the girl cant come to your house, correct?
Does dd get this? With so little communication is it possible she is misunderstanding your intention?
I guess, if it was me, I would sit down and write a contract for friends visiting and apply it to everyone. Get your dd's input on the contract but don't let her rule you-just be sure she has some input
IMO this REALLY should not be about this one girl-I dont care what she has done-its not like she is giving your dd drugs or something so you shouldnt be wanting to break up the friendship
It should be about new house rules like asking you ahead of time and out of earshot of the party in question if someone can spend the night; family vacations will be for family only; no one staying more than one night; before 2am(whatever)dd will load all used dishes in the dishwasher and hang all wet towels.
Those are just some suggestions
I dont think you opening the communication is giving in unless you turn it into that. Im worried this is going on so long..... :(
I also hope you arent turning this into being all about this one girl-I think she was more the proverbial straw that broke the camels back than the entire issue
Windrush, this is the letter that I wrote to my daughter . . .and then her reply is at the end . . .
I sent Dad upstairs so that he try to express my feelings . . .I am incredibly frustrated by all this and the reason that things got out of hand is because somehow you thought I was attacking (friend) - so you wanted to protect her.
I used to really like (friend) and enjoy having her over, but through the years, she was here excessively and so I learned to really resent everything about her. I got sick of picking up her wet towels, her borrowing things and not returning them, being loud late at night when I was trying to sleep, making food for herself and leaving a mess and leaving her food and drinks around for me to pick up. I know you say that you do this over other people's houses . . .it's wrong of you to assume that people think this is ok to do. I clean my own house and don't have any help, so the mess is solely my responsbility. I have enough to do picking up after you girls. I don't need another daughter.
You are welcome to have anyone over that you'd like. You know Dad and I enjoy your friends - we've cooked for them, cleaned for them, brought them out to dinner and on vacation with us - and we did it because we love you and want to please you and see you happy. But when someone takes advantage of our good nature and doesn't respect us or our home, it turns into an unhappy situation. Everytime (friend) walked through that front door, I knew it would mean that I would get aggravated and angry because of the mess she left behind.
(friend) (and anyone else) is welcome to come here, (daughter), but there's got to be some guidelines. She may spend the night here once in awhile, but she cannot sleep here all the time. She doesn't live that far away that she can't go home for showers and meals and to sleep at night. It's not my problem that she lives a little out of the way, but she does have transportation. I know you say she's carting you around because you have no car, but she did the same thing when you did have your car at home.
I'd like to have a better relationship with her and invite her over for dinner or to go out to dinner - or even on vacation, but this can only happen if she just backs off a bit. I am glad that she's your friend, and I hope that you continue your friendship with her throughout your life - and you can see her 24/7 if that's what you want to do, but it doesn't have to be at our house. It just got to the point where she really took advantage of the situation and abused her priviledges and our hospitality.
I know you want to tell your friends all about how awful I am, but I'm at the point in my life where I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore - chalk that up to experience and age, but I just can't take it anymore. And if you must know, yeah, I wasn't happy when (another friend) threw up in the trash can. I don't want the responsibility of drinking of minors in my home, and if you remember correctly, I had you throw the can out. I don't get upset when (another friend) comes over, and I never even thought about talking to her about that incident because I let you handle it . . .
This isn't a problem with any other of your friends, (daughter). I don't know what (friend's) home life is - I am assuming that her parents are very strict and that she likes coming here because she has no rules and no restrictions - but guess what? There are rules here now, and it's very simple . . .she respects us and our home - and although she is welcome anytime, she cannot spend all her time at our house. I love to see your friends, and I want to make them feel welcome, but they don't live here.
I am deeply upset that you don't understand what I have been through - and I never meant to hurt (friend's) feelings, but if you had taken care of this when I had asked you, this wouldn't have ever happened. I didn't naturally just dislike Brittany - it happened very slowly over a long period of time - and then it built up until I could no longer contain my feelings of frustration and resentment. I'm ok with picking up a cup or two or doing a dish or two, but I felt like she was taking advantage of me.
I am sorry about some of the things that happened and how I hurt your feelings, but I am not sorry that I feel this way at all. I know you always like to tell me that you do this at other people's houses. I think it's wrong, but it's up to other parents to set the rules. It would be ok if this happened me once in awhile, but I'm not everyone's slave - and I'd just like some peace and quiet and some respect from you and your friends . . .
I do love you, (daughter). I've always let you get your way with everything, but this is the way it's going to be. I'm sorry if you don't agree, but I'm not asking much.
Her response:
firstly, thank you for reminding me what its like to be in a middle
school
fight! i almost forgot feelings of extreme frustration, and i haven't
given someone the silent treatment since the last time i saw (another friend).
but really, i should definately "grow up."
honestly, mom, i dont care if my friends like you either, or their
parents. and i dont care if you dont like them. their response to all
this
is, just come to my house, i dont care, neither do my parents. and
thats
what ive been doing. and i even leave my cups of water by their bed,
eat
their food in excess, and shower there and GASP use their TOWELS. i
told
them to let me know if they got any emails. and i, in fact, dont really
want people over here either, and i dont really care, i like being
other
places better so im not constantly paranoid about me and my friends
actions.
you are so far from rational, its hard for me to express in words. you
say
you aren't budging and that "this is the way it is now," so, here ya
go.
hope youre loving your "peace and quiet" and i hope im not "overworking
you."
You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and
That must have been painful to read
I'm sorry.
She doesnt get it and I honestly dont think she can. Do you ever look back to things you did at that age where you were clueless; I do and I consider myself a pretty kind and considerate person(geez, my current job is a social work position)
I moved in with my parents after college graduation. They had pretty much stopped cooking and ate out. I went with them, of course. It simply never occured to me to offer to cook for the family or chip in for my meal(I was working full time)My mother did my laundry.
Finally, they suggested I pay rent. I was horrified and took that opportunity to find a new job and move out(no anger or bad feelings-it was like 'time')
I look back at that and feel awful. I wish they had not passed away before I had kids this age of my own to make me see the light. I would apologize 20 times over.
But there wasnt a mean bone in my body. Self absorbed? Yes. But I wasnt conciously doing a bad thing and no one ever spoke up until it reached the breaking point. If my mom had said "Heres a laundry basket; pick the day you want to do your laundry and I'll leave the machine free" I would have done my laundry(I think)
So, don't read too much into her lack of 'getting it'-she will, but not right now. She also isnt going to agree with you or admit you are right.
And that's okay IMHO. You do have what you requested-not without emotions you would have liked to avoid but you have stopped your home being the 'party home'. Enjoy, slap a smile on your face and move forward. You 'wrote' your peace; let it go
When is she home next? I think THAT may be the time things can settle in and even out!
Hang in there
I wrote that and then my daughter Im'd me from upstairs - the first time since Christmas Eve . . .and she asked if I could ask my husband if he could put money on her visa buxx card - and I said "yes" and she said thank you. You might not read too much into that, but that was the first communication, so I took it to mean - I really want this to end and that I care about you. I had written her last night and said something to the effect that I would still love her no matter how angry or how much she dislikes me . . .
Do you know what I did after I got that IM from her? I said "you are welcome" and cried and cried - I cried for what this has done to us, cried because I miss my mother and father (they are both passed away), cried because I miss her because she isn't living at home anymore and neither will my younger one in a year or so . . .and because I just love them all so much.
I scared my husband to death because he was looking for me and I had myself pretty hidden outside . . .I told him I just needed to be alone . . .
I know how you feel about never getting to tell your parents "sorry". My father passed away at the age of 90 last year. I called him every day, yet I didn't see him too often - he lived about 3 1/2 hours away, and my kids were always giving me excuses not to visit him because they didn't want to go, and I couldn't leave them alone . . .and my mother passed away awhile back - I treated her so badly because I was an inconsiderate teen, and then I never got a chance to grow up and tell her how awful I was . . .so I do understand what you mean completely. I think that's why I'm so neurotic now - I am afraid of everything because I just want to stay healthy and alive for my kids - because I know what it's like to not have a parent . . .and I never want them to go through that. I'm so lucky that I had my father walk me up the aisle when I got married and to see all my kids when they were born - and even though he passed at the age of 90, I still have regrets . .and miss him so much.
I think my daughter is going through a lot too - she's very social and happy at school - a great student, but immature and scared and unsure of things too. She went overseas last summer and had a great experience - and she is going away again - this time for three months or so this summer. Part of her wants to curl up and be a little kid again because she's insecure, but the other part really wants to be independent. As much as I want to keep her forever, I know the healthier thing to do is make her feel as good as she can about herself and be an adult . . .she knows I'm always here for her- and that is unconditional . . .and I don't want to tell her how much she will miss her parents when we're gone, because I want to always see her happy - I know my parents would never want to see me sad and to go on with my life and be happy - and I want that for my kids for sure.
I'm not sure when she will come home next. She was talking about spring break. . .last year she had three friends come home with her which was fine. She wants to come home with friends again - I really do love when she does that - I don't see her too much, but it's ok - I'm happy just to see her enjoy herself - it does get hard because we aren't too keen about letting her drink alcholol and live here as if she is in a dorm - the girls were great though - I provided some meals and bought their favorite foods, but they also went out a lot which was a lot easier on me. I couldn't provide meals for a week for three extra girls - and my daughter realized that, so that worked out fine.
So, how old are your kids? You're a social worker, huh? My daughter's major is psychology . . .
Don't you wonder how much emotional pain we can go through in a lifetime? I feel like I'm emotionally drained from all this and things that already happened in the past . . .and I'm such a sensitive creature anyway . . .
Thanks for your help - I do appreciate it.
d
You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and
I'm sure that was difficult to read. Mare, I sincerely hope you recognize that your dd is still trying to manipulate you with her silent treatment. Don't give in because this is a battle you MUST win. Your dd is 19 yo, after all, and legally and adult. She's not going to stop loving you, you will always be her mother. However, she might stop liking you for a while. That's okay. You do not need to be her friend, and you got in this mess in the first place by trying to be just that, and look where it got you.
The one thing I do have to add is that this does seem mostly about this particular girl, while if you really look at it, Mare, it is about so much more than that girl. This must be made clear to your dd. Don't take this the wrong way, but your dd is acting like a spoiled brat right now. Eventually those other parents are going to get tired of her being around and leaving a mess, rest assured. Wouldn't it be funny if this same scenario played itself out a few months from now at her friend's house with that friend's mother? You may not hear about it, maybe you will, but rest assured eventually it will happen (unless that friend's home has a live in maid).
Hang in there.
I do know that she is trying to manipulate me, and I know it's hard for a teen to handle authority . . .she was a good teen, but she was a very mean one too - I did everything for her and always treated her with respect and love - and for some reason, she resented everything I did or what I stood for. She made me cry on many occasions, but I took it - and just kept my silence to keep peace - and because I knew teens were difficult. . .
So when she went away to college, things got better and we got along so well - and talked a lot on the phone and stuff. I thought the hard times were over until I got sick of the unwelcomed houseguest. I talked to her about this friend - even told her not to make it about just this one friend - just tell her friend that her parents were getting upset about the friends coming and going and that she needed to tone it down with company, but she didn't want to take care of it - and so every time this friend came over, it was getting harder and harder to contain my resentment and frustration . . .it's not that I have to win this argument - and I do want the girls to continue being friends - but they both need to grow up and show respect . . .and to realize that I'm not being mean and unreasonable - that they just need to be considerate. You are kind of right though - even though it is only this girl that abused her priviledges here, it's so much more than that - it's about my daughter showing respect for our home and our wishes - if she had just told her friend to pick up after herself, this never would have gone this far - this is the only girl who does this excessively, but they all do leave a mess here and there - this girl just did it all the time, and that's why I targeted her the most.
I'm sure if my daughter spent all her time at someone else's home and made a mess, someone else would surely get upset too. Most of them have housecleaners and maids, so it might take longer than it did for me. I clean my own house, and it took a long time for me to get upset, but I really resented the kids dumping on me and taking advantage.
You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and
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