Still having a problem w/ teen's friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Still having a problem w/ teen's friends
40
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 9:57am

I'm back . . .and still having problems which seem to be getting worse.

A little history. We've had an ongoing problem with one of my daughter's friends through the years . . .this girl comes from a sort of strict family and found our house to be more fun. We've always encouraged our daughter to have friend's over - we have gone over and beyond trying to make our house a happy home accommodating friends . . .but it started to become "unfun" when she started borrowing things and not returning them, thowing down wet towels after showers, raiding our refrigerator and leaving dirty dishes all over the house, eating from our candy dish and throwing the wrappers every which way, shrieking all through the house when we were trying to sleep (or asleep), spending the night sometimes four times in a row and bringing a bag and coming and going from our house as if she lived here. We've taken her on vacation with us - and she's helped herself to things I've bought for my daughter - new items without ever offering to pay or return them.

I've always tiptoed around my daughter and done everything for her - and never brought things up that would make her angry because she wasn't the easier teen. She went away to college, and we seemed to get along better - but every time she came back for a visit, her friend was over in a flash - and making a mess and overstaying her welcome in our house. I like that they are friends, but she'd always be here and we'd have to invite her out for meals or invite her to eat over all the time because she just didn't know when to leave.

I finally had to say something to my daughtter - that she had a home and shouldn't sleep here all the time, that she is welcome to a snack, but she should plan on eating out or at her own home - and that she should pick up after herself - that I'm not her slave. My daughter never understood and made it all about food - and now she makes snide remarks that when she goes over this girl's house, the parents love her and want her to eat anything she wants. Well, if my daughter only came over once in awhile, I'd be a whole lot welcoming to her too - it just got excessive, and she always left me a mess . . .

The first night my daughter came home from college, this girl was over - and I heard them all going downstairs to the kitchen to get a snack. It was late at night, so I was upstairs trying to sleep. I heard a dish break (which was my daughter's doing) and the friend thought that was hysterically funny, so she was screaming with laughter which really ticked me off. I wrote a text to my daughter "don't encourage her to snack" and "please close the door - she's so loud" and wouldn't you know, the girl was using my daughter's cell phone so she saw it. I felt horrible that she saw it, but it's the way I feel . . .and my frustration has led me to this.

Since then, my daughter has been laying into me here and there about how horrible I am for not wanting this kid over, but I have never banned her from my home. I simply said that she shouldn't spend countless days here and when she's here, she should pick up after herself. My daughter and I aren't getting along now, and she's not talking to me. My other daughter wants me to back down, but I just can't allow this to go on any further. I'm not asking for the world here - I simply want this friend to respect me - she's almost 20 years old, and it's time she learned how to act appropriately at my house. She has her own home to sleep and eat, and she cannot expect others to pick up after her - I don't think I'm asking too much.

My daughter thinks I'm being unreasonable and thinks I resent her friend for taking the time I have with my daughter away from her. I realize that at this age, kids don't want to spend time with their parents as much - believe me, we've made sacrifices for the kids and their friends - we haven't gone on a family vacation alone for years because my daughter insists on taking a friend - once we allowed the girls to each take three friends on a cruise with us - and I want my daughter to continue her friendship with this girl. I just don't want it to be 24/7 in my house!! She's not a bad kid, but it's to a point that every time she comes to the house, I just have to go in another room because I'm just so sick of seeing her here - she wore out her welcome a long long time ago.

My kids tell me that they do this to other families, and I tell them it's wrong - and they don't spend quite as much time as this girl did. And I know some of the parents and if they resented my kids being there a lot, they wouldn't have any trouble telling them - and I wouldn't be upset if they did. Besides that, their friends all have housecleaners. I clean my house myself and work hard at home!

i know I spoiled my kids - I never made them do any chores and catered to their every whim, but now I see wherre it didn't do them any favors . . .or me. I told my daughter that I wasn't backing down about this - her friend is welcome to come over, but there's some rules with that. Of course, I'm being made out to be the villain, and they are trying to make me feel guilty. When I tell friends about the situation, they all say they would have sat the friend down a long time ago - but my daughter would have been furious with me for doing so, so I try to let her handle it.

It's a gloomy Christmas with my daughter not talking to me, and I feel terrible because she said I'm the reason she doesn't want to come home anymore - because she doesn't feel comfortable in her own house anymore. This is the only time in her life where I have ever set rules. For her whole life, I'd tiptoe around her bad moods, her taking everything out on me - and I have done everything for her to make her life as happy and wonderful as I could . . .and this is what I get in return . . .

Merry Christmas.

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:19pm

I agree with you, mom. I don't think it would set to well with me to give me the cold silent treatment, then IM me to ask me to have Dad put money on her card. It would have been a cold day in hades for me to go ask him. She could have asked him herself, or spoken to me in person. Mare, all she did was want money from you. Bless your heart, you deserve to have a little respect after all you have and continue to do for her. And, it's about time you demand it from her. It's just respect after all. If she continues to give you the silent treatment, go spend some time with your other daughter. Give her the cold shoulder back. She'll eventually want something from you. And, when she asks for it, make her ask you for it to your face. Make her actually speak to you. And, I'm not sure I'd still give her anything. When she wanted to know why, I'd plainly calmly remind her just what happens when someone doesn't respect me. They get exactly what they give, nothing.

Happy New Year, keep going strong!

Sallie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 10:42pm

IMHO Mare, I think you need to find something other than your DD's acceptance to make you happy. You've made a reasonable decision, but are allowing yourself to be devistated by her dislike of your decision. You've spent the last 19 years catering to her and now wonder why she's so upset because you've decided to quit catering to her. Of course she's upset by your decision, but it's not because it's a bad decision - it's because she's not used to hearing the big N word - NO. Stick to your guns, this gal needs to start getting the idea that the world does NOT revolve around her, and you've taken that first step.

But more importantly, you had a life before you had children, and now your children are headed into the world on their own, what do you plan for your life when they're independent of you and out on your own? That's a hard thing to think about, your children living a life independent of you, but it's what the ultimate goal of great parenting is all about. I once read something that said "a parent's goal is to work him/herself out of a job, to make oneself obsolete." So what are you going to do with yourself when that happens? Your DD's manipulations and staying away from home is pretty much a step toward life independent of you. Don't cave in and beg her to come back to the fold if you bend your expectations, find a way to not make it hurt so bad that she's finding that independent life, even though she's doing it in an inappropraite way.

Right now I strongly suspect that your DD knows that your happiness is wrapped up in making her happy. Maybe it's time she knows that you had a life before her, and will have one again when she fully leaves the nest, whether it's this week, month or year, or 5 years from now.

Rose ~ who's DS is going to be shocked to find out that mom got a life while he was in Iraq!! And is much happier for it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 7:55am

You are right . . .it's hard for my daughter to realize my independent, and it's hard for me for her to be independent. Could it be that we both find this process difficult and confusing?

I feel so emotionally drained that I really do have to focus on something else. It's wearing me down, and I don't feel good.

That's tough that your son is in Iraq - will he be coming home soon, I hope?

My life does revolve around my kids, but I have been trying to prepare for their indepedence. It's hard though because they have all I have know for almost 30 years . . .and I've catered to them all those years and kind of left myself behind in the process. Yes, I did have a life before children, but not a great one - they brought a lot of meaning to my life . . .and now I'm not experienced in anything else but motherhood and feel lost. At this point in my life, I don't want a career and I've tried a lot of careers and hobbies, but nothing is sticking . . .so the transition is hard for me. I do have another kid at home for a year or so, so I feel as though I can use that time to find myself. And grandchildren are in the picture for 2007/2008 so I do have that to look forward to.

I'm not a lost cause, but it's sure hard.

Do you just have that one son in Iraq?

Best wishes for a Healthy and Happy New Year!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 3:41am

The holidays are difficult times for family disagreements or transitions in family dynamics and you are attempting a shift in reality. Stick to your guns, time for everyone to grow up and realize you are not there to serve and have rights to set boundaries not only in your home but in your relationships.

One last thing I have learned along the way, you mentioned your were being made to "FEEL GUILTY"...remember this when you are shunned and begin to feel guilty. NO ONE CAME MAKE YOU FEEL ANYTHING WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Really think about that I had to take a few days to process it in a personal situation. If you feel this is appropriate setting boundaries and demanding respect in your own home (and I might add it is deserved not just appropriate), then in order to feel guilty your have to give the power to your daughter and her friend to make you feel that way.

Keep empowering yourself, friends are blessings but Moms are gifts from God. Children will come around, in their own time. Happy Parenting. Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 8:30am

My DS S is a Marine in Iraq, due back in the states in about 5 weeks. He's married to his high school sweetheart C, both are 22 y/o and they just had their first wedding anniversary yesterday. I also have two other DSs J 22 and Z 19, both soldiers with the US Army, both home for now, and a DD N 15.

I didn't come to this realization that I needed to have a life outside of my kids overnight, but it's pretty much been an evolution since S left for Iraq in July. He and his wife are very self centered, without much thought as to how their actions affect other people around them, which brought a lot of heartache for mom. The straw that broke the camel's back was when he informed me that he really doesn't want anyone but his wife in NC when he returns to the states, and even though most of his group will be home on leave for a month starting the last week of Feb, he won't be coming home until May, not thru any doing of the USMC, but by his own choice. It broke my heart, but then I realized, I have jumped thru hoops for those kids of mine for years, they've never had to ask for anything more than once, yet, especially he and C, but also the other kids, make me ask for what I want numerous times, and then they'll go along with it - maybe. This isn't a new development, but something that has been going on for years. And I'm done with it! I've never made them beg for anything in their lives, yet they seem to think it's ok for mom to beg for just a day or two with them - and that definitely isn't right. I'll always be here for them, but maybe not so available anymore. And definitely not going to jump thru hoops for them anymore - any of them.

You sound like one of those born nurturing souls - that might be a place to start looking for something to focus your energies on. You say you don't want a career at this point, but maybe you can focus your energies on some sort of charity work that will utilize your nurturing nature. You might not have worked outside the home for the past 30 years, but you've developed a lot of skills while running your home and raising your kids, and there are lots of charities out there that would love to have someone give of their time who has those talents. Maybe voluteer at a church, school, women's shelter, nursing home, animal shelter, anything that makes good use of your caring and giving nature. I've always worked in health care since before I graduated from college, and it's been an easy transfer to put those nurturing energies into that, now that my kids don't want them anymore.

Another thing that I've found I love - scrapbooking. Since my epiphany in these last 6 months, I've jumped in full force to my boxes and files of pictures and mementos, and have organized them into scrapbooks for each of my kids. This project is still revolving around my kids, but in a way that isn't centering my life on them and their whims, and hopefully someday they will be mature enough to appreciate my work. That will probably be some time in coming though.

Good luck, and hang in there. You are more than a mom - but you've just put the rest of you on the back burner for a lot of years - and maybe it's time to find that person again!
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:11am
Thank you, Anna - I do agree . . .I think I got over my feeling guilty a long time ago - now I'm at my angry and hurt stage. Yes, it's hard especially around the holidays to have disagreements. She's talking to me at least now, but she still just doesn't understand. One day, she will though . . .

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 9:48am

It's hard to believe they've been married a year already. I'm sorry to hear that he won't be going to visit you until May. Maybe it's not so much being inconsiderate of your feelings as maybe he feels he needs that time to decompress?

I agree with everything you said about developing a life outside the kids. I'm working on that still, and DS will have been gone a year later this month..... sigh. And I'm glad to see that you've made progress in that area!

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:52am

Sounds like you have been going through some with your kids too - I think we all do to some extent. And I know I gave my parents a lot of hardships too - it's all part of life, I guess.

It's hard not to jump through hoops for your kids, isn't it? I try to back off a bit too - and it's not really noticed by them, so why bend over backwards for them.

That's too bad that your son and daughter-in-law aren't being very considerate. I'm lucky in that respect. My son and daughter-in-law are great - and considerate - BUT I do give them their space and try not to be overbearing, meddling and offer too much advice. They have their own life to live . . .

It's hard to shut the mothering off, but I'm slowly learning. I have to say that I'm doing the same to my mother-in-law. I have a lot of resentment toward her because she was the meddling type - and now she's moved near us so that we'll take care of her financially and emotionally which I'm not thrilled about, so I've backed off from her too . . .

I hope that you and I get a life and can be happy without worrying about the kids all the time. My youngest is 16, so she still does need guidance and support. She thinks she knows it all though. And I find myself close to the younger one, but all this fighting with the older one is hurting my relationship with the younger one a bit because the sisters are sticking together. That's ok- I like to see them close . . .

Anyway, here's to us!!!!!

You have got to get control of your life. Your MIL is not acting appropriately, and all I can say is that she either behaves or you don't let her over. I had a problem with my MIL for 22 years - she interfered, meddled, was rude and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 10:56am

Rose, sorry to hear your DS S won't be coming back until May. You can't take, personally, the fact that he wants only his wife in NC when he returns, as I'm sure the whole experience changes the guys a lot, but only temporarily. Maybe before his return he'll decide he wants everyone there.

Although I'm the ultimate pacifist and never like war, I have a lot of respect for our young men who choose to defend freedom for us. Reviewing our history, I just keep thinking, "when do we quit?" Vietnam? Kuwait? Iran? Afghanistan? and next?....Somalia? Darfur? N. Korea? Burma? ????????? (I'm sure I missed more than a few.) And it kills me to see such young guys risking their lives for us...why can't we send all the deadbeat dads and 30 & 40-somethings to fight these wars?

Anyhow, you should be proud of your sons, as I know you are. We're praying for that they remain healthy and safe, and that they all soon return home. And I know they'll all love their moms more than ever.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 11:54am

I'm very proud of my DSs, in spite of how hard it is to be constantly living on edge, wondering if they're going to be ok, wondering if today is going to be the day that the two guys who are currently home get orders to go overseas.

I think a lot of what's going on about this homecoming stuff is my DIL. Her mother and paternal grandmother have a very stormy relationship, and I think she's assuming that I'm going to be like her grandmother just because they're married. Prior to their marriage C and I had a pretty good friendship, but it was like almost immediately after their marriage she's decided to hold me at arm's length, and make the most negative assumptions about everything I say and do that she can. She isn't mature enough to realize that I'm still the same person I was when she and DS were dating, and I haven't morphed into someone completely different now that the vows are said. I just hope our relationship isn't permanently damaged between now and the time that she finally figures that out. Coz I tell ya, as much as I try not to let her barbs and selfishness get to me, they still do hurt, and I find myself resenting her because of them.

I really don't expect DS to change his mind about the whole homecoming thing any time in the near future. He almost NEVER goes against anything that his DW wants, never has. I can't change any of that, so I've decided that I'm going to learn to be at peace with it, and not allow it to ruin my week. My other kids need me to be there for them, and for now anyway, they're not working their hardest to shut me out of their lives - unlike S & C. Or maybe I should say C - S calls home fairly regularly from Iraq, and when he does, he's actually more open than he has been at any time since he and C have been married. I'll always be there for them, but I'm done allowing my DIL to ruin my day. I hate to say this, but given the divorce rate among 20 somethings, and especially among our military who marry young... I want to keep my relationship with my DS as untarnished as I can, because I will likely be around a whole lot longer than his DW is. (There's something like a 85% divorce rate among our military who marry prior to the age of 25... S & C were barely 21 when they got married - not very good odds for them.)
Rose

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