Stuck in the middle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Stuck in the middle
13
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:19am

My 14 year old DS recently had a discussion with my boyfriend (we've lived with my boyfriend for over 6 years, and everything has been great between them.. I also have a 13 year old DS). A few weeks ago DS basically told DB that he wasn't sure that he loved him, and he didn't really care what he thought. He said it honestly, not in a vindictive or bad way... just expressing his feelings. On one hand I'm proud of his courage and honesty (and so is DB), but on the other hand DB is sooooo hurt.

Now there is a gap growing between them... just getting bigger and bigger. DB has told me he is hurt, and I can only imagine. He feels DS is very ungrateful (he's never really shown much gratitude, but is really a pretty good kid). DB is pretty angry that this gap just keeps getting bigger, and no one is really doing anything about it. At this point he thinks I should be doing something about it. I don't want to just say this is his problem... but it kinda is. But they are both so stubborn that it really may never get resolved if I don't do something... but what??? Our family could fall apart VERY QUICKLY.

We have no idea what brought this on, and DS isn't really giving us any ideas, no matter how much we ask or try to talk to him... he just tells us nothing is wrong and he doesn't know why he feels this way or what brought this on.

I know that teens are selfish and really only care about themselves. DB is not willing to accept that as a reason for all of this. I really think it could be just that simple, though. But he is so hurt. I've suggested therapy... he refuses. I've suggested them spending some more time together... he says he doesn't want to force himself on DS (not sure how thats forcing himself..) I've suggested them doing something fun together... he says he doesn't want to do something fun with an ungrateful snot. I've suggested trying to talk more... he just says that DS doesn't seem to like our talks. He's really upset with DS and me, and thinks I don't care enough about the situation. It's very frustrating (for everyone, I'm sure).

So, I just have no idea what to do here.

Any suggestions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 2:27am
What you describe is not uncommon.
A few questions first.
How old are you? How old is boyfriend? And where is Bio-dad?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 6:47am

My first thought would be that your DS is using this as self preservation. You and DB have been together a long time and have not commited to marraige. DS might feel as if DB could leave at any time and doesn't "want" to love him. If bio dad is in the picture, this could also be a time in his life that he wants to make sure that he doesn't "replace" his dad. Those are my thoughts, I might be way off base! Good luck,

Julie

Avatar for sharo63
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2006
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 9:03am
Well, here are my thoughts as a stepmom of 3 (now young adults)...What your son said to your BF is very typical and I think your BF needs to take the grownup path here and try not to overreact. Especially nowthat DH and I have been married for 20 years and have 3 teens together, I see how typical it was for my stepkids to hurl a hurtful thing or two at me. (BTW, I have a very close relationship with all 3 of them now.) so things can get dramatically better!
I think your status as a couple may have a little to do with it because I know that once DH and I were married, the children saw it as permanent and were more stable.
I would tell BF to calm down and take it with a "grain of salt" and continue to act toward your DS the way he always has and gradually try to build in more genuine 1:1 time with him.
Parenting and step parenting is hard work;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 9:54am

Thanks for your response.

I am 33, DB is 35. Bio-dad... is complicated.

I've been married twice before. Bio-dad is out of the picture, but DS knows about him. He doesn't ask any questions about him, though... but I've told him I'd answer any as best as I can.

My second husband took on the role of Daddy when DS was barely a year old. He is in Texas (we are in California), and they haven't seen each other in a few years due to job/money/time issues. They do talk on the phone some, and there are no ill feelings between "Dad" and I at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:01am

You may be right... it's hard telling. DB and I have been through a lot (he's in the military, so there have been deployments... and we all also survived an apartment fire many years ago). Last year we did go through a very rough patch and I was ready to leave... but I stayed. The boys knew this was happening, and I feel awful for putting everyone through that. That may have something to do with it, too. But, when he won't/can't tell us what he's feeling, it's hard to help. I have to say that right now feels an awful lot like how things were when I was ready to leave... but I'm determined to stay.

I don't know when or if marriage will ever happen. We talk about it, but it seems like we just always have some issues that make it seem like not a good idea (we've both been married twice before). However, we don't want to be apart or with anyone else, either. When this relationship is good, it's really good! And we recognize that most situations and issues are temporary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 10:06am

Yeah... I figure it's pretty typical. And really DB just needs to be less sensitive and let some things roll off his back. But... he's never been the type to take anything with a grain of salt, unfortunately.

We'll see how things go today. So far DB said about 2 words to me and left for work... so it's not looking good.

To add to the stress, we are currently trying to find a house because our landlord needs to move back into this one. I'm a little afraid that DB may see this as a perfect time for us to go our seperate ways if I don't find the magic key to unlock the door to the secret of how to solve all these problems soon. He's always fought for this relationship, but yesterday he told me he's running out of fight.

Ugh. Turmoil

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 11:37am

I definitely see this as DB needing to be the grownup here and letting it go.

Parenting is not a immediate reward system. It's not "I gave 40 tokens to him; he needs to give 40 tokens back to me" Sometimes I think the male mind leans towards quantifying EVERYTHING(my apologies to all male readers-well, a little ;))

The rewards come, hit and miss, and, in the teen years, it is mostly miss.

I have felt a lot of 'reward' in the past 2 years with my 22 yr old.

DB needs to accept that-he doesnt have to like it but he needs to accept it

And, to add some unsolicited advice, if that incident is enough to make him jump ship after 6 years....maybe it's time :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:20pm
Did this just come out of the blue? It seems cruel to me - unless there was a question asked or a specific problem he wants addressed, I can't understand what the point of suddenly announcing this would be. I'm not sure I agree that it is wonderful he was so honest - I'd be tempted to point out that saying something that will hurt someone's feelings for no purpose is not very nice, and maybe he could have come to YOU with his feelings if he just wanted to work through them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:54pm

Here's some armchair psychology--bio dad was never around, stepdad, who was like the real dad, isn't around any more, BF can't really be counted on to be around because 1) problems occurred last yr, which DS knows about, and 2) the 2 of you aren't married, so it makes it easier to break up, so maybe DS is just afraid to get too attached to a father figure. Maybe you could take DS to a counsellor alone to get him to talk about all that and how he feels. Maybe it's something he just can't articulate, but could w/ the help of a counsellor.

And DB needs to grow up. You have made some good suggestions about how the 2 of them can get together and he didn't like any one of them, so now when he says you have to "fix" this, ask him how he thinks it's possible for you to do that since the problem is between DS & him and if it can be fixed, he's the one who has to make the effort to fix it.

And I wonder what DS is supposed to be grateful for? I know there are some kids who don't seem to be thankful for anything you do for them and hopefully DS isn't one of those. Otherwise, no kid is really that thankful that you work and put food on the table, pay for their house, etc. After all, when you decide to have a child, that's just part of the job and if a stepparent is taking on that resposibility, that's part of the job too. The kid shouldn't be saying "oh, thank you for being my Sdad," because I don't think he was probably consulted about whether you should pick this guy as a BF, whether he should move in, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
Mon, 08-27-2007 - 7:26pm

A thousand thanks to everyone! It's so good to know I'm not alone.

I'm lucky enough to work in a psychiatrists office, and ran my issues by him. He gave me the advice to first focus on validating DB's hurt feelings... then move on to solving the problem. He gave me some great "lines" that I hope will work.

We'll see what happens. And I'll keep you posted how things are going.

Thanks so much again!!

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