Stuck in the middle
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| Mon, 08-27-2007 - 12:19am |
My 14 year old DS recently had a discussion with my boyfriend (we've lived with my boyfriend for over 6 years, and everything has been great between them.. I also have a 13 year old DS). A few weeks ago DS basically told DB that he wasn't sure that he loved him, and he didn't really care what he thought. He said it honestly, not in a vindictive or bad way... just expressing his feelings. On one hand I'm proud of his courage and honesty (and so is DB), but on the other hand DB is sooooo hurt.
Now there is a gap growing between them... just getting bigger and bigger. DB has told me he is hurt, and I can only imagine. He feels DS is very ungrateful (he's never really shown much gratitude, but is really a pretty good kid). DB is pretty angry that this gap just keeps getting bigger, and no one is really doing anything about it. At this point he thinks I should be doing something about it. I don't want to just say this is his problem... but it kinda is. But they are both so stubborn that it really may never get resolved if I don't do something... but what??? Our family could fall apart VERY QUICKLY.
We have no idea what brought this on, and DS isn't really giving us any ideas, no matter how much we ask or try to talk to him... he just tells us nothing is wrong and he doesn't know why he feels this way or what brought this on.
I know that teens are selfish and really only care about themselves. DB is not willing to accept that as a reason for all of this. I really think it could be just that simple, though. But he is so hurt. I've suggested therapy... he refuses. I've suggested them spending some more time together... he says he doesn't want to force himself on DS (not sure how thats forcing himself..) I've suggested them doing something fun together... he says he doesn't want to do something fun with an ungrateful snot. I've suggested trying to talk more... he just says that DS doesn't seem to like our talks. He's really upset with DS and me, and thinks I don't care enough about the situation. It's very frustrating (for everyone, I'm sure).
So, I just have no idea what to do here.
Any suggestions?

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My thoughts exactly. The poor kid has faced, and currently faces a fair amount of uncertainty. Not blaming you; sometimes it just happens.
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This concerns me for two reasons. If you sense this, your DS certainly does as well.
I would also encourage you to examine your relationship with DB. If *you* don't solve the difficulty he's having with DS, he may leave? That's unfair pressure on you, and unconscionable stress on your DS. In a sense, by matter-of-factly saying I don't love you anymore, DS is saying, "I'm not counting on you so don't stick around on account of me." He doesn't deserve to be the focal point. Frankly, I can't say I blame him. I strongly encorage you and DB to seek counseling to put your relationship first, without any qualifiers for how the children behave.
I've been reading this thread all along, waiting for someone to say what I have thought.
No, there is no abuse. Aside from the fact that I just *trust* that there is no abuse, they are just so rarely alone together that I would know about it if there was. But, I appreciate your concern.
I know what DS said to DB was hurtful. He didn't say it to be mean, we've just always told him to be honest with us... don't say anything you don't feel. He didn't say this in a heated moment, but he did say it during an emotional conversation. And, he didn't say he didn't love DB, but that he wasn't sure if he did.
I agree with everyone who has said they don't think DB is handling this in a good way. He's a very sensitive person who doesn't let go of hurt feelings easily. As far as him "jumping ship", I don't think that is going to happen. This latest uproar started Sunday night, and yesterday we were approved for a house to move into... neither of us said anything about not moving into that house. So, the move is on, and the next chapter of our lives is going forward as planned.
All of the things you all have said are good things to think about. I thank you all very, very much!!
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