sugg on dealing with power struggles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
sugg on dealing with power struggles
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 9:29am
My 12 year old daughter and I are constantly at each other. I ask her to do something and she debates/argues with me. She gets louder and louder and to be heard I raise my voice. She then accuses me of yelling at her. She says she hates me --etc. Refuses to do what I ask. Example. Her brother needed a pair of soccer shorts , asked her to check her room for them. Said she knew that she did not have them. Asked her to double check she became loud, yelling at me and being disrespectful. I tried to explain why I wanted to double check she continued. I told her that I did not like her behavior and that she would be grounded for being disrespectful and not doing what I asked. This continued until her dad became involved and he talked to her. I said that the grounding sticks because of her disrespect. Dad asked why I did not deal with the brother because he was the one not organized and had his stuff ready for the am. Told him I would have talked to him if she would not of went off the deep end. I did my best not to yell, and be unreasonable. Kept repeating my request but was continually cut off by her.

Any suggestions for how to avoid power struggles and dealing with my daughter's disrepect/refusals? My Daughter is mild ADHD and on Strattera and takes Paxil for anxiety issues. She has a counselor who tells me to be more firm, set up structure etc, which I try to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 2:52pm

take a deep breath - welcome to teen hood! its very hard to raise kids, and kids with ADHD are a rule unto themselves. but, looking at your situation from the outside (which is "easy" for us to do, cause we're not involved lol), i did pick up on a few points you may want to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 10-21-2003 - 7:14pm
I agree with post #2 in many ways. I have a 19 y/o ds and a 12 y/o dd with ADHD and they can be more challenging than "normal" teens, if for no other reason than they're more impulsive. DS has pretty severe ADHD plus a pretty intense learning disability with reading and math. dd is much milder ADHD, neither are on meds. I think it's important to maintain control and not get into debates or screaming matches with the ADHD kids...they have trouble with internal controls and things quickly escalate to chaos if mom isn't in control. One trick I learned when dS was about 10 was the more he shouted, the quieter I got. It kind of helps them find some control in the situation. And ADHD has never been an excuse for bad behavior in our house or disrespect. DH also has fairly intense ADHD, and he says if he can stay in control of his temper, so can the kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 6:40pm
Great advice. For tips on how not to debate, try the book "Get out of my life, but first, can you drive me and Cheryl to the mall" It's great. Good luck