summer school blues

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
summer school blues
22
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 1:06pm

DH got the news that his DD, who just finished 11th grade, failed 2 major subjects this year (English & Math) and so won't be promoted. Accd. to her, it would still be possible to graduate next year if she takes 7 classes, which is the max. number of periods per day, meaning no study period. The other option would be to do summer school (july 9-Aug 9). Of course, DSD doesn't want to do that cause it means (1) she will have to study and (2) it will probably mean she can't do the babysitting for her aunt that was going to be her summer job, cause I don't think she could make it there on time for her aunt to leave for work. Of course, DH is usually not very good at handling these types of things. This is after last week's drama of DSD charging an extra $80 on the cell phone from text messaging, he got mad at her for various things and she snuck out of the house late and night to go to a friend's.

First, DH starts the conversation by saying "You have a choice of either going to summer school or taking extra classes next year or staying back." so she says take extra next year. Then he says "No, you can't do that cause I don't believe you can handle it. You have to go to summer school." Well, if he was going to decide that himself, and I think he is probably right about that, cause this isn't the first failing grade, then why even say you have a choice. Just say "I'm the father and I have to decide this cause you haven't been responsible." He says summer school will cost us $300 and if you don't pass, you will have to pay for it. ok. Then he starts saying that she won't be able to use the car until the classes are over and she passes. Now we are getting into overkill, in my opinion. How is she supposed to get to school to go to summer school? There is no public bus, no school bus and we both work. He goes to work at 6:00 a.m. I can't remember exactly when the 1st class starts, I am thinking 8:30. Is she supposed to sit on the lawn in front of the school for that time or hang out in Dunkin Donuts? and then how will she get home? He says "I will take my lunch hour and go pick her up." Yeah, that's realistic. He works in a hardware type store. Half the time, he doesn't even get to take a lunch hour if they are busy, so now he is going to leave every day and take about an hour w/o pay to do this. His reasoning is that she will go out w/ her friends every day after school and not study. Well, I'm sure she isn't going to be studying 8 hrs. a day anyway, even if she's home. My idea would be to say "you have to take the courses, it's your responsibility to do the homework and pass and if you don't, then you'll have to pay back the $300 and THEN you can't use the car for the rest of the summer." That sounds like a good incentive to me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 7:04am

Just an observation here, but in the vast majority of your posts, you've mentioned how your DSD isn't up to paar, while your DD not only lives up to standards but exceeds them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 8:39am

Rose,

Thanks for saying exactly what I was thinking (but not brave enough to post).

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 11:27am

OK - I've read everyone's responses, and here's my opnion on what's going on (understanding of course that I don't LIVE your life).

1. I agree with previous posters that DH seems to be part of the problem - it would appear that HE raises HIS daughter, and YOU raise yours. In a family where financial screwups cost both parents, that's not fair - there should be as much consistency as possible between the children (allowing for accommodations for different personalities, learning levels, etc.).

2. I also agree with Rose - that perhaps too much emphasis is being put on your DD's successes - perhaps your DSD has to try harder to achieve the same successes - and feels inadequate. She's not the same person - do not expect the same personality OR results
(As an aside, I have two sons - one graduated last week by the VERY SKIN OF HIS TEETH - his report card had FIVE F's - the other is a straight A/B student - I have found that I often have to change midstream - I can be disappointed in DS15 for getting a C, and I know he's disappointed in HIMSELF, but with DS18, a C deserves being taken out to dinner).

3. Again, I agree with Rose - college is not for everyone. Imagine your life without plumbers, electricians, or (God forbid) garbage men. All are well-paid positions - none need college (although some need trade school) - and there is NOTHING WRONG with any of them (this from someone who WORKS at a university and does NOT have a degree). DSD may need to fail at this point and may be one of those people who gets a degree later. My sister failed out of high school in 9th grade - 2 years ago, she got her BA - at 41.

4. Summer school - I do NOT believe in paid summer school. Pay for it yourself, find your own transportation, or take extra courses next year. There is NO REASON that most kids in this country can't pass the minimal requirements we set for high school. There are exceptions, but for the average-intelligence kid, there's no reason they can't pass...it's NOT THAT DIFFICULT. I told my DS (who was a senior) that if he didn't graduate with his class, he could be a dropout, get a GED, go back the following year, or pay for summer school himself - I wasn't paying for it. If she can't handle the extra classes the following year, she'll graduate a year late.

To be honest, I think that we spend way too much time trying to solve a lot of our kids' problems that, given the opportunity, they will eventually solve on their own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:46pm

My DH was also talking about how if she didn't pass summer school, she would have to repeat the whole year. However, we are talking about public school here. She certainly can't re-take classes that she has already passed, like Alg. II and French IV. She'd have to go to the next higher math (actually I doubt she would even take math, since she doesn't like it) and French V. She would have to take 2 English classes, but after looking at the requirements, I think that English is the only subject that anyone has to take 4 yrs of, so as long as she finishes 20 classes, she will be out. Our tax money isn't paying for people to go for an extra year of education that they don't need.

I wish she did have to pay for summer school. My DH actually gets social security money every month for DSD since her mother died and he puts it in a separate acct. This burns me up since we could really use that money. We have so many unpaid bills that I don't feel like an extra $300. I haven't signed my son up for summer camp yet since I never seem to have the money in my acct. Yet I can't afford to put aside the child support I get for my kids, cause we just wouldn't have enough money to pay bills. But that's another issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:57pm

Dear Rose:

I actually agree w/ you. I don't think we are pushing DSD to go to college. We asked her what career she wanted and she said a teacher, therefore, she has to go to college. A couple of years ago, she was convinced she wanted to be an EMT. I remember one discussion where DH said she should finish college first and then do the EMT training, which I think is a 2-yr full time program. I told him I didn't think that made sense, if she really wanted to be an EMT, then she should to that and she could always go to college later if she wanted to. My friend's sister did that. She was an EMT for years and later she went to college to be a nurse. I also think it's a vast waste of money to send someone to college if they don't want to go. My ex didn't go to college, he works for the post office. I never thought I was any better than him because I went and he didn't. My DH happens to have a bachelor's degree in nursing and a master's in biology and he really hasn't used either of those degrees in many years. He used to work installing hardwood floors and when he became injured a couple of years ago, he went back to selling paint in a hardware store, which entails a lot more than you would think.

I was also wondering if she was giving up on the "competition" w/ my DD. a couple of years ago, DSD was in trouble for skipping school and other things and my ex said "I think she want to be the anti-Sarah (our DD)" I think he was right. Everything that my DD, who is one year older, did, then DSD would have to do the opposite, from the way they dress to the group of friends. My mom pointed out that the friends that DD has are all the honor roll students, so they kind of push each other to be competitive. DSD's friends are nice kids but they seem not to be very interested in school or what they are going to do after school. One of them said she was engaged at age 16, to a boy who has a min. wage job, no car and still lives w/ his parents. Like that is realistic.

I try not to compare or say anything abou the kids, but of course, she knows that DD is getting scholarships to college, is in National Honor society, etc. Even 5th grade DS brings home all A's. So what do we do, or is it too late? We try to encourage them to do/be whatever they want or to do any activities they want. Like DD was on the track team, so there are 50 other clubs (high school has almost as many students as your whole town) to join. Could she do music, theater, art, service groups, yearbook, etc? She did join one club, but I think just to get her dad off her back, but wasn't really interested. I would like to see her find something she is interested in and do that because I would actually like her to find something to be happy about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-1999
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:03pm
Does your Community College offer a "duel admissions" program with a local University or 4yr college? my DS had been attending a private college- but has now changed his major/school- he is a very bright kid and was in the top 10% of his HS- but for now - since he is home- he is attending our local Community College but is going in a duel admissions program- meaning coming this Fall he will apply for admission to University at Buffalo- he'll continue the 2yrs CC course then transfer over (all credits) to UB and attend 2yrs- graduating with a degree in Media Commnications- I know they offer this for many classes-including a teaching degree- as long as the CC course & the University course "match" you can do this- we are in NYS and this is a great way for students to get thier feet wet with college w/o the big cost or if they just want to see what college is all about. DS didn't think he'd like going to the Community College- but after his first semester he finds that he liked his classes he felt the professors/teachers we're very good & wanted them to do well- he also felt the teachers were more in tune with the students and really wanted to be there teaching and not doing research for a book!
so I wouldn't rule out a Community College so quickly- it may be the best way for her to go!
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:05pm

Last night when my car broke down on the way home, I was wishing I was married to a mechanic (or could fix the car myself). I'll have to tell my secretary (who is married to a mechanic) how lucky she is. I used to work in some law firms where the lawyers thought they were just so important compared to the secretaries. Believe me, I know who is really running the show. Our firm is small so everyone is treated w/ respect.

My DH has a nephew who is about 23 who is one of those late bloomer people. I believe he dropped out in his senior year. His grandfather offered to pay for any education and he didn't take him up on it. He went to another state where he was supposed to be a mechanic, didn't do that. His parents (who were divorced) kicked him out cause they were sick of supporting him. I haven't seen him since last Christmas, but then he was back home w/ mom, supposedly trying to turn his life around, get his GED, his driver's licence and hopefully get a job.

We would really give her a lot more opportunities including at least helping her out w/ the cost of college but she has to apply herself. We don't expect her to achieve the same grades as DD, but I don't think expecting her to get passing grades is expecting too much. I could see how she might not have been good at math, but how do you flunk English when it's your native language and you don't have any learning disabilities? I think she was just not doing homework or making up the work when she was absent. She can certainly do the work when she applies herself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:24pm

If my son (who, by the way, was classified, did have a LD, and also had behavior issues) would have GONE to class, done the work IN class, and taken the tests, he would have graduated with a B average (or at the worst, a C). But he didn't - he wandered the halls, did no work, and skipped out on most of his finals.

The biggest mistake, I thought, was when he went into school and said "what exactly do I HAVE to do to graduate?" and then committed to doing no more.

Is it unreasonable for you to expect decent grades from DSD? Not at all - does the fact that it's not unreasonable for you to expect them mean she's going to get them? Not at all. You may just have to accept that this is the best you're going to get from her (although it's not the best she can do).

The resulting problems from not doing well in school will be hers - particularly when she tries to get into a decent college to become a teacher - my DS had a free ride at the university where I work - all he had to do was get in - but couldn't because of grades. I have no issue with junior or community colleges (went to one myself) - however, it's sad that I'll be paying for a community college when DS could have gone to an excellent state university for FREE. As he gets older, he will realize what we were saying all these years made sense, and he'll have to double back to make it up - but that's HIS problem (and maybe he'll appreciate it more).

That doesn't mean you can't impose consequences (lack of car/phone, grounding, lack of privileges, etc.) for your DSD's grades. That's absolutely appropriate - and in fact, may motivate her. It's certainly not unreasonable to expect that someone whose only responsibility is school will do well in that responsibility. However, realize she may NOT be motivated (I could have taken away the farm, DS STILL would not have applied himself in school), and decide for yourself whether it's worth the battle.

I decided (and many disagree with me) to drop the argument for his senior year - let him fail - let him do poorly - and let him pay the price. Life with my son is stressful enough without adding the frustration of grades to the daily arguments. As I said, though, I stated I would NOT pay for summer school...I have also told DS that come September, he either starts college or pays rent - and if he doesn't do well in college, I do not pay for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:31pm

Another thing...just to clarify...

IF your DSD does not have enough credits to graduate, she will have to go another year - but will ONLY have to take the classes needed to graduate (whatever credits she's "short"). She will NOT have to repeat classes she's already taken, and she will not have to take additional classes to fill out the "day." She'll be required to be in school during those class times, and that's it. In my state, if I'm not mistaken - you CAN'T take more than you need after the 4th year.

As for the math - if she needs 3 years of math to graduate, and she's failed one, she'll need to take another year. Her guidance counselor can figure out what to take (I'd have her repeat the one she failed).

She WILL have to take English again - she MUST pass four years of English (btw - hs English is not about speaking and grammar all the time - a lot of times it's literature - if she doesn't read the book and can't pass the tests, she fails - THAT'S how they fail English - I told my son there were kids in his school that DIDN'T SPEAK ENGLISH that got better grades than he did).

My advice - let her make the choice - either take extra classes (which you will know early in the year if she's failing), pay for summer school herself, or go an extra year.

BTW - in my state, it's English and GYM they have to pass - and several senior didn't graduate because they FAILED GYM.

Also - in my state (just FYI), turning 18 means nothing - they have no more rights in the school than they did at 17 - other than to drop out. So if she pulls the "I can make the decision for myself because I'm 18" line - once she turns 18 - check it out - because I just said to DS "no, you can't - I still have to sign everything."

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:40pm

yes, we are lucky about that. If you go to any comm. college in the state of MA and graduate, you can automatically be admitted to UMass to finish up your degree.

I think one good thing about that is that everyone is there to study. If you go away to college, there are a lot of distractions and partying. Not that she couldn't make friends and have fun too. But since there are probably a lot of people who are going there because they can't afford the cost of a bigger school and are still serious about getting their degree, they aren't going to be wasting their money by not studying.

BTW, my mother worked at a comm. college in RI. She could take courses for free, which she did, but her friends who were the professors in her dept. said why not get a degree? So she got her AA degree at age 65.