support for mom of gay teen
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support for mom of gay teen
| Wed, 02-28-2007 - 12:51am |
I would love to chat with anyone who has experienced their teenager coming out-my son is 15 nearly sixteen and has come to terms with the fact that he is gay- I also have three other children -two quite young and one older. Any tips on navigating their way through this would be so so helpful.

Hey there - welcome to the group!!!
I have two sons - 18 and 15 - both gay. DS18 came out at 15 1/2 (although I knew long before that) - DS 15 came out at 13. They are both very popular, have lots of friends, and DS 18 dated a very nice young man for a year and a half that is now part of our family. Please feel free to ask whatever questions you might have. good luck and keep us posted!
No problem - email me anytime. I may not be an expert on much, but gay teenage boys seem to be my forte LOL!!!
A couple of things:
1. If your son came out to you, he's already "alright with himself" - at least he's getting to that point. Mom is usually the last one to be told (although the first to know).
2. Do not make any deal out of it--at all. The one thing the gay people I associate with seem to resent more than anything is being "set apart." You wouldn't make a deal out of it if your son came home and said "Mom, I'm straight."
I knew of a mom who posted on her Yahoo 360 website "I'm proud of my gay son" immediately after he came out - and he had a fit. Unless he wants to be an "advocate" or march for gay rights (I have one who does and one who doesn't), let it be.
3. Offer him support if he needs it, but if he appears to be fine, let him be. Don't shove gay support groups down his throat, pick up literature, or drag him to PFLAG meetings. Let him know you're there if he wants to talk, and you'll help him find a support group if he needs it, but not EVERY gay teenager feels alone, scared, or harrassed (in fact, at least in my very metropolitan area, that feeling is more ADULT gay MEN - most of the teenage boys deal with it just fine). My 18 year old is pretty much the most popular kid in school and has more friends in 18 years than I've made in a lifetime. He gets ANNOYED when I suggest support groups - my younger one, on the other hand, participated in a bi-weekly group meeting for about 6 months and will probably run a halfway house for gay teenagers that can't come out.
3. Let HIM decide whether or not to tell friends or family members - this is not your deal, it's his. My younger son is very distressed by the fact that my ex (his dad) won't let him tell HIS mother (DS's grandmother), because he doesn't think his mom can handle hearing about ANOTHER one). I believe that's unfair to my son, and so does he. By the same token, if he wants it kept quiet, keep it quiet.
4. When people ask me if my DS has a "girlfriend," I tell them "He has several." It's true - there are 437 young girls in my house daily - they LOVE him. It's no one's business whatsoever. But, by the same token, a group such as PFLAG can definitely help you by putting you in contact with other parents who are dealing with this situation.
Has your son come out to his siblings? And how is DH dealing with it? What kind of area do you live in (obviously, living very close to NYC, I find my advice above to be helpful - there are areas in teh country where I might not be as blase about the whole thing).
Please keep me posted and good luck - and kudos to you - having a son come out at 15 means you did something right that he could talk to you so easily!
Excellent points mama.
I'm sure many people will find this information valuable.
While I don't have any direct experience with this, I look forward to a world in which "support for gay teen" becomes as silly as "support for brown eyed teen"....
Perhaps in our lifetime...
I have no BTDT with this topic other than I have an adult friend who is gay.
Kuddos to everything you said Mamarose!!! We should all hope to live in world some day when a certain sects of society are no longer defined by their sexual preference. Last time I looked no one was concerned about mine.
You all should be proud they are comfortable with their lives no matter their sexual preference.
LOLOL - I loved that "last time I looked there was no one concerned about me."
It's true, isn't it? In my family, all three teenage boys (two sons, one nephew) are gay - a true sign of genetic predisposition (and a truth that has my father, the grandfather of all three boys, wondering what's going on in HIS genes - and placing all hope for continuing the family line on my niece LOL). Yet I have friends who ask me "do you think he'll change his mind one day and decide he likes girls?"
The last woman who asked me this, I answered "do you think YOU'LL change your mind one day and decide YOU like girls?"
What I find amusing is that those that indicate they believe homosexuality is a CHOICE like to think that at some point in their lives, the adolescent was faced with two doors - the gay door and the straight door - and willingly chose the gay door. Yet they, as straight people, never faced that choice - never ONCE had to decide whether they were gay or straight.
Both my boys are happy with who they are - and have a large number of friends - both gay and straight - and a supportive family. But it's still not easy - there is still discrimination, still harrassment, still the encouragement to "play straight" for many gays (particularly men, who are faced with the need to "play straight" in the workplace). No one that I know - no one - would actually CHOOSE this lifestyle if they had the option. it's just who they are.
Hi :)