suspended, wants $350 jacket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
suspended, wants $350 jacket
19
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:43pm

My son was suspended from school for 5 days after admitting to drinking some alcohol before attending a school football game. THe first day he was so depressed that I was afraid he might commit suicide. He's an A/B student, and this was his first offense. School also reqd that he have a drug test and get a psych assmt. Cannot drive to school for 90 days. Cannot leave school for lunch for 90 days.

Our home punishment was: 1) no spring break to Mexico and he has to pay us the $400 deposit if we cannot recoup it, 2) no going to hockey games, 3) random drug/alc. tests and 4) he pays for the drug test and psych assmt the school required to reduce the 10-day suspension to only 5 days, and 5)no sleeping overnight at friends' homes.

Now, two weeks later, he's saying he wants to buy a $350 jacket with the money he has earned and saved. But he has not yet paid us the $ mentioned above. It is his money, but does that mean we should let him buy it? First of all, we purchased a new winter jacket for him last year, which still fits fine, but it's red, and not black like the new North Face one he wants. Secondly, we do not spend that kind of money on any clothing and try to teach our kids to buy wisely. But he DID earn the money and he says he's really down about the whole supsension thing, and that he saves for things he wants, and he wants this jacket. He was looking very depressed and had me worried again tonight and he actually started crying. I think he's sick of adults controlling everything and feels he should be able to make this decision himself. Would you let him buy it? Thanks for your viewpoint.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:37pm

When I first saw your title I was thinking, "No way." but after reading the rest I'm not so sure. You know your son best. He's never been in trouble before? His first offense? He seems almost suicidal? It's kind of maddening that kids who are honest are so severely punished. Doesn't exactly encourage future honesty, kwim? I guess the school has to deal with it this way, myself I would probably not be quite as punitive especially if he's a good kid with a good attitude (forget the grades, they mean nothing to me...good kids have bad grades, and bad kids have good grades too) and true remorse.

Since you have already punished him quite severely, and you don't know yet whether or not you'll get back the deposit, I would probably let him buy it. And if he continues to feel that depressed, perhaps some counseling is in order. For a first offense, I'd be inclined to be more forgiving, myself, and instead do quite a bit of talking with him about drinking and the dangers of drinking and driving, etc. From the dawn of time, teens have engaged in drinking alcohol. Not to take it lightly, but your son sounds truly remorseful and he was after all, honest. Good luck.

Marie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 11:56pm

I couldn't agree more with what you said. I think the kid has been overly punished for a first offense.

I'd let him buy the jacket. I just went through this this past weekend while shopping with my DS-17. We can talk until we're blue in the face about finances, but sometimes they just have to learn for themselves.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 7:01am
Apparently he doesn't get it. He owes you, so therefore his funds are depeleted. Don't let the big sad eyes fool you. Truly depressed kids don't care at all about clothing. It's wonderful that he is a good student but, he got caught and now has to pay the price. What kind of message would you be sending him if you allow him to buy the jacket (which you have already said he does not need) instead of owning up to his responsibilities? Sure he's sick and tired of adults controlling his life (what teen isn't)and wants to make his own decisions. As the old parental adage goes "when you start behaving as an adult, you'll be treated as one."
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 7:52am

It does seem like a pretty tough punishment for a first offense, but I have to believe that he's not the first kid in his school to get into this kind of trouble or to receive this kind of punishment... so he was forewarned of the consequences.


One of the best lessons we teach our kids is that you live up to your financial responsibilities before you have fun with your money, no matter how hard you worked for it or how long you save.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:14am

I agree with the others. It seems he has been suficiently punished and appears to be remorseful enough that he won't repeat his actions.


If he can't save up for something special that he wouldn't be able to get otherwise, what's the point? I think he is showing he is responsible and learning to manage money appropriately.


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Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:49am

Would you let him buy it? Thanks for your viewpoint.

First, I think the total punishments combined went a little overboard, but that's not your question.

In regards to your question, No, I would expect him to pay you first for the money he owes you before he goes and spends $350 on a jacket he doesn't need.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:06am

Does he have enough money to pay for both the jacket and the Mexico deposit?

Have YOU found out if you can get back the 400 dollars?

I would say he needs to hold off until you determine whether or not he owes you the 400 bucks. If he does, that obligation comes first and if there is enough money left, certainly he can buy the jacket. Thats apples and oranges in terms of the suspension IMO

If he doesnt have enough money, I would say it has to wait until he does because you set the punishment and, unless you make an official change in that punishment FIRST, you would be seen as backing down

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:38am

I posted earlier, but have another thought.


If the Mexico trip was something you were going to allow and the deposit was paid, AND he is being punished by you, the school and himself....why not let him go??


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 9:41am

I'm concerned about her statements of him being possibly suicidal...

When I was a teen I was overly punished on a regular basis, some punishments that went on for months, some were for events that weren't to happen for several months (like in this case). And I was left with no hope, and attempted suicide a couple of times between the ages of 15 and 16.

The OP knows her son better than we, of course, but I hope she gets him some help. And changing the punishment wouldn't be considered backing down, imo. (I know that's not what you said.)

zz

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 10:01am

I agree, I think the punishment was overkill all around. And altering the punishment in certain ways, say, based on good behavior, would not diminish the desired effect, IMO.

After a certain amount of time, a lenthy punishment loses its effect and can backfire. If a kid become despondent, it's time to make some changes. It would seem that the 5 day suspension and loss of driving privileges would have been enough. Unless there is evidence or a history of drug use, I really don't see the need for drug testing either. But that's me. Like zz said, the OP knows her son best.

And like rose said, $350 for a jacket seems excessive no matter who is paying!

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