suspended, wants $350 jacket
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| Wed, 10-25-2006 - 9:43pm |
My son was suspended from school for 5 days after admitting to drinking some alcohol before attending a school football game. THe first day he was so depressed that I was afraid he might commit suicide. He's an A/B student, and this was his first offense. School also reqd that he have a drug test and get a psych assmt. Cannot drive to school for 90 days. Cannot leave school for lunch for 90 days.
Our home punishment was: 1) no spring break to Mexico and he has to pay us the $400 deposit if we cannot recoup it, 2) no going to hockey games, 3) random drug/alc. tests and 4) he pays for the drug test and psych assmt the school required to reduce the 10-day suspension to only 5 days, and 5)no sleeping overnight at friends' homes.
Now, two weeks later, he's saying he wants to buy a $350 jacket with the money he has earned and saved. But he has not yet paid us the $ mentioned above. It is his money, but does that mean we should let him buy it? First of all, we purchased a new winter jacket for him last year, which still fits fine, but it's red, and not black like the new North Face one he wants. Secondly, we do not spend that kind of money on any clothing and try to teach our kids to buy wisely. But he DID earn the money and he says he's really down about the whole supsension thing, and that he saves for things he wants, and he wants this jacket. He was looking very depressed and had me worried again tonight and he actually started crying. I think he's sick of adults controlling everything and feels he should be able to make this decision himself. Would you let him buy it? Thanks for your viewpoint.

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You didn't ask this question, but I think that the punishment handed out to your DS by both you & the school is really excessive and no wonder he is so depressed. I can see the school's punishment more because they probably have these rules in a handbook somewhere which is known to the kids before hand and they have to punish everyone equally, even if it's a first offense. I think that not being able to drive to school for 90 days would just kill my DD, who is a senior.
It's not clear if your DS was driving when he was drinking or just had something to drink. I have had a conversation w/ my DD when I found out she has tried alcohol a couple of times. I was pretty surprised because she is normally a very good kid, good student, etc. and responsible. She also says she is one of the few people who doesn't drink regularly and knowing her friends, they aren't the type of kids you would first think of when you think off kids who are going to drink. Now I know that you and I as parents can't condone underage drinking, but what I'm trying to emphasize to her, since she might be going away to college next year and I know it will only be worse, are 1) no drinking & driving, whether her or someone else. I think she gets this since 2 girls from her school were killed 2 yrs. ago when they rode w/ a drunk driver. 2) I tell her that as an adult I'm not opposed to having a reasonable amount of alcohol, but it's when people drink to excess, a lot of bad things can happen such as date rape. She has said she noticed how stupid people act when they are drunk.
I think that your focus should be on talking to your son about drinking and the consequences and not so much punishment. The school has already taken care of it. You could ground him for a period of time, maybe no sleep overs if you are concerned that the kids will be drinking there, but I don't understand the no hockey games and no trip to Mexico. Are you just not letting him go as a punishment or because you're afraid the kids will be there drinking unsupervised, which they probably will? Is this a school trip w/ chaperones? I know my DD had mentioned briefly about some kids arranging their own trip to Mexico, not sponsored by the school. There was a post about it and everyone seemed to agree this was not a good idea. I also remember going on a school trip to Italy when I was 16. The teacher chaperones made us get notes from our parents that we were allowed to go off by ourselves w/o the chaperones because the teachers wanted to be by themselves too. Also, everyone drank in bars because there was no age limit in Italy at that time. If it's because of fear of drinking, I'm surprised this didn't come up before. Otherwise, cancelling a trip because of one relatively minor thing your son did wrong seems clearly excessive to me.
Also, Im really surprised that the school would order a psych eval when a kid is caught drinking. That seems just absurd to me. Kids who drink don't usually have psych problems, it's just normal teenage behavior. Although since your son seems very depressed, it's probably good for him to have one. And why do you have to pay for it? Won't your health ins. cover this?
We have a rule at our house that no major purchases are made w/o thinking it through for at least 1 week and I think this would qualify as a major purchase. I suppose I would let him buy it BUT only after he had met his other obligations and I was sure he had thought this through. Also has he searched the Internet? Can he find a similar one cheaper somewhere else?
Since this is his first offense, you might also consider letting him work off some of his home punishment. For instance, give him an extra chore to do and if he does it, then he can attend a hockey game. Right now, he sees his world ending b/c of one mistake. Yes it was a big one but it's one many kids make. He also needs to understand that you are forgiving and this will show that. This will show that you are willing to let him earn his trust back. We did this with DD and it definitely helped with the self-esteem issues that she had when she did these types of things. She would be embarrassed that she did and would be very hard on herself. Giving her a positive incentive to work toward helped with that.
Good Luck!
I agree; I dont think I phrased my thoughts very well in my first post
Personally, I think OFFICIALLY backing down on the punishment is the way to go here but, should they choose to stick with the original terms, they need to follow through.
One is seen as "We were upset and may have over reacted; now that we've had some time we think ______________would be a more appropriate consequence" and I think kids respect that honesty and show of 'human nature'(they certainly will when they become parents themselves)
Just letting it quietly fall by the wayside because one realizes it might have been too much is what I think might set a bad precedent of "mom goes off and says all this stuff but then she doesnt follow through......"
Hopefully, that was a bit clearer
I posted in a hurry this morning, and there's something I'd like to add.
Around here, an alcohol assessment is par for the course when someone is caught underage drinking, in an effort to target the problem drinkers early.
I'm way late in responding to this, but here are my thoughts:
Your DS obviously goes to a school with a zero-tolerance policy regarding drug and alcohol abuse. I'm sure he knew that about that policy (and most likely you did too) before he made the decision to drink and then go to the football game. The school punishment may seem harsh for a 'first offense', but it's their rule and I'm sure your DS was not the only student who learned the hard way that the school means business. (My DD's hs has a zero-tolerance policy as well and they enforce it to the letter -- by expulsion. Two seniors got expelled in February last year because marijuana was found in the vehicle they rode to school in.)
You didn't mention exactly how old your DS is in your post, but since he can't drive to school for 90 days, I'm assuming he is at least 16. Still in a kid in our eyes, but in two years or less, your DS will be considered an adult in the eyes of the law regardless of 1st offense or not, he will be held accountable and punished accordingly to the law. He needs to recognize that fact right now. I think you should all be thankful it was the school and not the police that learned of his drinking. His punishment may possible have even been worse.
As far as the jacket? If you decide to stick with your decision to make him pay back the $400 deposit for the spring break trip, unless he has an additional $350 for that jacket, then no. He can't buy it. It's as simple as the fact he doesn't have the money.
You have gotten plenty of "no jacket is worth $350" advice, but my attitude toward a kid and his money is just that -- it's HIS money. If he wants to blow nearly every dime he has on a single purchase, them let him. Remind him of the fact that he will be running short on funds in a week if he makes the decision to buy that jacket and absolutely DO NOT bail him out when he needs money for movies, gas, Christmas gifts, etc. If he spends the next two months sitting at home looking pretty in an expensive jacket but no money to take himself anywhere in it, well then, maybe he'll learn a lesson. I'm sure it will be hard on you to listen to him whine, but just keep reminding him how much he spent on the coat.
(I have a near 13yo DS who can't hold onto a buck for more than an hour. If he gets a buck, he spends a buck. It isn't until he has no money at all, and it's December 1, that he thinks "I better earn some extra $$$, I don't have any money for Christmas." He's a very bright boy, and extremely dense in this department but I am ever hopeful.)
Lastly, you say your DS is tired of adults running his life. Know what? This won't stop just because he turns 18! Just about all his life, your son will be held accountable by SOMEONE, be it you, teachers, college professors, supervisors, managers, the police department ... well you get the picture. There will be someone telling him what he needs to be doing and your DS need to grasp that concept real soon. And if he choses to make a decision that is contrary to the one greater powers want him to make (ie, drinking at a school function) he needs to learn that he has to deal with the consequences of his decision.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. Obviously you are hurting for your DS and want to make life better and easier for him. Unfortunately, that can't always happen nor will you be around to smooth out the road for him forever.
If you really feel your DS is depressed, maybe you can help him find a counselor to talk things over with. Again, my apologies if this comes across harshly -- there just no way to 'buffer' this sort of thing in writing! And I am sorry you are going through this!
Edited 10/27/2006 11:39 am ET by hydrangea_blue
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