talking on the phone 25/7, no joke!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
talking on the phone 25/7, no joke!
22
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:26pm
My 17 1/2 y/o stepson has a new girlfriend who is 15 and lives an hour away. They are on the phone from the time he gets home from work (about 6 pm) until, sometimes, 1 am. We set a rule of no phone calls after 9pm. This made him mad and he decided to move out to live with this girl and her mom, with her mom offering to pick him up! He says that since he is 18 he is an adult and can do whatever he wants.
I told him that if he thought he could support himself, he knew where the door was. I also told him that when he decides to come home he will be expected to pay $175.00 per month rent and supply everything for himself (shampoo, deoderant ect.). He was also told that he would be responsible for his own health care, car, insurance,gas... I had previously offered the same to my 19 y/o daughter.
I have raised these children for the past 5 years and watched as they have walk all over their father, which he seems to facilitate. I can't stand it anymore and after talking to my husband explained to the boys that when they walk out the door they become adults and must take care of themselves.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. I am working full time and going to school, I also have a 3 y/o son who does everything his brothers do. HELP!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:38pm

Is your son actually 18? If so, then legally, he's an adult and can live on his own. Has he graduated from high school? Does he have a car? If the answer is no to both of those questions, then I would think it's only a matter of time before the girlfriend and her family tires of him. I would make a wager that he'll be back home by the end of the summer. Long distant relationships are easier to handle then when you're living together.

I'm at a loss as to what else to say. I can't imagine a parent of a 15 year old allowing an 18 year old boy to live with them. Also, did your 19 year old daughter ever return home? You're making it rather difficult for them to return home (unless that's your primary motive) because most average americans can't afford health care, a car, car insurance, etc. What do you mean about your 3 year old doing everything the other boys do?

I absolutely commend you for working full time while going to school (and raising another child). Perhaps you're under too much stress and as mentioned in previous postings above, need to have a long talk with your husband about household responsibilities, more emotional support, etc. Perhaps this is where the problem really lies and not within the teenagers.

Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:52pm

I understand that you dont want them to walk all over you but I do cut mine some slack in that I know they are learning-and they are not too hot at learning from OUR experiences but pretty good at learning from their own. Frankly, I think that is true of 99% of the population, irregardless of age.

Me, personally? I would not set 'consequences' for him returning home. It's his home and he should be welcome there unless he is violent and putting other family members at risk

Is this the family phone? Would it be possible for him to have a cell?

Many parents have a set time when the cell needs to be turned into the parent, especially during the school year. I did something similar with my 15 yr old and the computer keyboard when school was in session-over the summer I really dont care!

You don't 'control' teens and I worry you might not see that just yet. It is easy to do so with a 3 yr old-even a 10 yr old-but the teen years are unique and require special handling IMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:12pm
First of all he isn't yet 18, will be 18 in Sept.. Second, my intention was to prove to him that age does not constitute adulthood, ability to support oneself dose that. My 19 y/o daughter lives in her own house (rented) with her boyfriend and a room-mate.
My intention is not to drive them away from home but show them that they will have to take responsibility for their own actions, and provide support for themselves. He does not have a car, drivers license, or a full time job. At this time he is working with his father for the summer and spending every dime each time he is paid. My point is to show him that life isn't free and each of us MUST think before we act.
The mother of the girlfriend is questionable at this point! I'm not sure but do not believe that she is teaching her daughter very good values. They have invited him to stay with them 3 weekends this summer, which his dad allowed. He has asked for her to stay the weekend here and was told NO! I asked him what he would do if she got pregnant, his answer? I don't know. As an adult we have to be able to handle life and that isn't possible without taking responsibility.
The 3 y/o will immitate anything the older boys do. If they yell, he yells, if they talk back he does too. I have told them that foul language would not be allowed, although my other stepson has ADHD and does poo-poo talk. You know "That smells like POOP" or "I gota take a crap". Normal? Maybe but they hit each other and play VERY rough with the baby which in turn causes him to believe he can hit me and he wants to "tackle" everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:57pm
First of all, he has a cell phone which he pays for. However, it is long distance to call his girlfriend. Yes he is talking on the family phone when he is home, but he will talk to her on the cell phone even at work. He has no idea how to manage his time. He is barely going to graduate from high school this comming school year, due to lack of effort. He failed vo-tech last year and laughed about it.
I don't wish to "control" him, just let him know that in real life outside of "home" it isn't a bed of roses and he needs to be ready to face the consequences of leaving home with nothing and no way to support himself.
Legally 18 is adulthood, however if the child can not self support I do not believe a parent should encourage that child to venture out on his/her own. this kid has no means of support, no car or license, how would he live? Who is going to feed him? Would he become one of the people who live on the streets or would he come home where it is safe?
I think that if it came down to it, he would willingly return home and be thankful to be allowed to have the comforts provided. Where else would he be able to live that cheap?
My oldest daughter did not come to live here, not because of the fact of paying rent to me, but she is able to self support and make decisions after weighing out all the possibilities. This young man has no idea how much it costs to live away from home. He is under the impression that you just go out find a place to rent for 350 a month and call the utility Co and they just turn it on, he didn't know that there were deposits for everything and that laundry does not wash itself. You see, my dad is a car dealer and he thinks that my dad will just give him a car to drive and turn him loose. FUNNY! Daddy didn't even do that for any of us kids. We bought our first cars on our own.
It hasn't been that long since I was a teen myself and I am thankfull,NOW, that my parents didn't just hand us everything. I can support myself without any assist from family. That is what I want for my kids too. No I didn't like the rules when I was growing up and yes I left home before I was able to self support, but I returned and went to college recieved my degree and PAID RENT! I feel that if we as parents do not teach our children to accept responsibility for themselves we will visit them in prison, the hospital, or other institution. I have worked in all 3 and have seen this many times.
I see those out there who rebelled against the "RULES" and now they have nothing and no idea how to better themselves. I feel sorry for them, out there working for chump change. And if you were to ask, most of them would tell you that they wish they could go back and change the way they did things in the past, but its too late.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 4:53pm

First off, I commend you for your energy! Raising a 3 year old, working, and going to school must be rough.

Second, while I agree with everything you're saying, for the most part, consider a few other options:

1. I have told my son that should he decide to move out, or commit a violent act that causes me to throw him out, he is not allowed to return to my home for two weeks - at all. Since your DS has a place to go, I might make that a little longer - say a month. He can't come home to to laundry, eat, shower, pick up clothing, or anything else for a set period of time - give him a chance to see what "being on your own" is all about.

2. As for charging rent, health care, car, insurance, etc....I don't know if you're legally allowed to charge a minor rent, but once he turns 18, a small amount of rent, if he's not attending school full-time, is reasonable. If he's in school, I might hold off on that (or charge him a small amount, but put it away for him). I told my son I would supply soap, shampoo, deoderant, etc. - but if he didn't like it, he could buy his own - I wasn't buying special.

3. Car and insurance - I have never provided either of my sons with cars (neither drive as yet, but DS18 could have been driving a year and a half ago) and have told them both they are not allowed to get their licenses until they can pay the increase in my insurance (which my ex-husband has offered to subsidize). I just can't afford it - and no one ever bought me a car or paid my insurance.

4. Health care - this is tricky...very tricky...as if your health policy covers your children up to a certain age, you can't take them off if they live in your home. For instance, my health insurance covers my children until December 31 of the year they turn 23 (a definite benefit for both, since their bd's are in January - especially DS18, whose bd is 1/1!). As long as they live in my house, they're covered. I can't take them off unless they get their own insurance.

My ex's, on the other hand, covers them only until they're 18 UNLESS they're going to school full-time. So look into what the criteria is - if your DS is not living with you, or going to school, you may not be ABLE to cover him. This has scared my DS into a bit more responsible behavior.

They don't want to be adults - they want adult privileges and kid responsibilities.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 6:41pm

OK, 'control' wasn't good wording on my part-I apologize!

I 100% agree that being 18 doesnt mean one is able to handle oneself in the real world. That's actually why I was uncomfortable with you making it a challenge to come back home. Boys can be stubborn-they dont like to ask for directions and they dont like to admit they are wrong. I would hate to see this young man out on the streets because he isnt going to give you the satisfaction of paying rent.

My now 19 yr old(then 18) moved in with a friend last summer after high school graduation and before college. There were no defining events; there was an opportunity with this friend who had 3 mos left on his lease and DS2 took it

This summer he is home-despite have the same friend and same opportunity. He didnt even have to pay rent at the friends but he quickly figured out how expensive just the food was and how nice those occasional gas fill ups we threw his way had been.

He was able to learn by the experience alone without us imposing any outside consequences.

I personally would give this young man the chance to do that first. Obviously, if he remains clueless and there are repeat performances, you would have to up the ante

JMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 7:09pm
EXACTLY!!!
The insurance is "state insurance" or medicaid not an insurance policy. The day he turns himself out of my house he is on his own (if he is under 18) if he turns 18, again he is on his own. I am not saying that he has to pay for health insurance just doctor bills medicine etc...
He thinks that he is an adult and can do as he pleases regardless of where he lives. I have no intention of KICKING him out. He wants to leave.
I just gave him a reality check. "Life ain't free" but if you think you can live for nothing somewhere else, go for it. He wants his dad & I to give him everything and ask for nothing in return. Well, along with everything there is a price. It may not always be in the form of money but always a price. He says that he can't take al the rules anymore. Well I simply told him that no matter where you go there are rules, school, work, even at wal-mart, and if you don't follow the rules you are asked to leave and not return in some cases.
For the most part this is the first time we've had any problems with this on, so I tried to go easy on him to begin with. It wasn't until he started just blatently refusing to follow rules and packing his stuff that things got to this point.
Please understand, he was raised (until 5 years ago) by a mother who: never even knew where he was; took any money he made doing odd jobs to buy cigs and beer; locked them in their room at 7pm; and had another woman living with her who would cook soup for them to eat and eat what she wanted before they could eat. Needless to say, there were many days when they didn't eat.
They came here with nothing and I mean nothing. My family and I bought them clothes and school supplies. (Their dad did not have a job) They have neither one missed a meal, except by their choosing. We live in a very small town, but their are alot of drugs here and the chance of them drinking is 9 in 10. I am not perfect and I had my share of alcohol when I was a teen. I know I can't stop that, but I can stop or at least deter them from moving out and having to beg for food/money/shelter.
As far as the rent goes, that again is another "nothing in life is free". Its not that I don't want my kids to feel welcome in our home, just to understand that when times get tough they can't live for free. Nobody will let them live in their home without something in return. In other words, don't move out this month and then when you run out of money return home until you save up a little just to move out and return again. I can't allow my youngest child to believe that it's ok to free load just because the older kids did it. And it isn't a rule just for the step-children, what is good for one goes for all.
Thank you for understanding what I was trying to say.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 7:36pm
Here is what I just said to another. It isn't a question of age in this case. It is mearly a case of he thinks that since he will be 18 on his birthday, he is already an adult. He was told that no matter where he goes there are rules. He just doesn't think he should have to follow "house rules".
He hasn't moved out, if I gave you the impression that he had, I am sorry.
He ties up the house phone from the time he enters the house until god only knows when. According to the phone bill he is making long distance calls to his girlfriend at 1am. After being on the phone all night he doesn't want to get up and go to work and isn't working when he does. My whole point here was that once you become an adult you MUST take responsability. This means that you can't leave home at 17,stay gone for a month or until the money runs out then return home for a month to save your money then leave again.
As far as the health insurance goes, well we have medicade on the boys at this time and if he moves out of the house the state takes his away. So if he leaves and becomes ill he will have to pay the doctor and the pharmacy bills. Since he does not have a car or license he won't be able to work so he won't have any money.
These kids have had a hard life until 5 years ago, when they came here from out if state. Their dad wasn't working and their mother DUMPED them literally on us, she kept the other two kids with her. We were just starting out and had very little, I was the only one working, but we survived. Now that they live in a nice house and we have nice cars they think that we are rich and we should just give them everything. The younger of the two is very ambitious where the older one is well lazy. He doesn't want to work but wants his dad and I to buy him everything he wants or needs. We can't do that for 7 children and expect to continue to survive or gain ground. I am trying to better my eucation in order to have the ability to retire some day. Their dad quit school in the 7th grade and makes good money despite education level, he works for my dad and a family friend. So you see I can't just sit back and let this kid leave with nothing and not a clue.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:02pm

I'm not going to repeat what the other posters have said, but there is one thing that does concern me... an overall tone of hostility toward the teens in both this thread and others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 11:36pm
Thank you for your insight. I am a nurse and work with foster children on a daily basis. I also work in homes with childern who live with one or both parents. All of the children are disabled. I love my job and have been with the same employer for 7 years, I wouldn't go anywhere else.
I hope that any of you who have read my blog realize that I have no hostility toward these children, I love them as if they were my own. Their past is truly not known, we suspect sexual abuse, know there was physical as well as emotional and mental abuse. This has been a wonderful 5 years. Although their father and I have a 3 year old son we were only married 8 months ago. Most of the major problems began last spring when their father quit his job stopped paying bills and finally left, leaving me to raise the baby. You are correct in that he has not set the best example for them.
When we got back together, things were wonderful for the first 7 months, then the problems started. J. got a girlfriend and thats when he decided that he was old enough to sit back and do nothing. He started working with his father, who works for a man who I have known all my life. As a matter of fact he was my mothers best friend in High School and I grew up with his kids. My husband also works for my father, who owns a car dealership, he is a machanic. No he does not work 2 full time jobs, he does work for my dad on the side, when needed. Many of the problems of the past were worked out prior to the decision to continue our relationship, so working and paying bills isn't a problem any longer.
Yes times have been hard for us and we have been through alot together, but animosity is not a part of our lives. My husband grew up in a rough way and may not be able to grasp the possibility of steady work to attain a better life. He believes it to be illegal to spank a child, and therefore threatens but does not follow through with any punishment.
this time I had to step in so that this child would not leave and make a very big mistake. I talked to him and explained that life outside of "home" would not be easy and would cost more money than he could make while still going to school. I also told him that I would not allow him to just leave without thinking through everything. My nephew has left his mothers house and is staying with just whoever he can, he does not have a job, and he quit school. He is 17 also. These kids do not realize that adulthood isn't an age it is a state of mind. When he is mature enough to make rational decisions with forethought then I hope he will leave the nest and thrive. Until then I would like to have him home and safe wtih little to worry about except school and what clothes to wear each day.
Another thing is we are moving out of a 3 bedroom apt and into a 4 bedroom house (buying) which will give each of us the ability to seperate a bit.
Thank you for your help.

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