talking on the phone 25/7, no joke!
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talking on the phone 25/7, no joke!
| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:26pm |
My 17 1/2 y/o stepson has a new girlfriend who is 15 and lives an hour away. They are on the phone from the time he gets home from work (about 6 pm) until, sometimes, 1 am. We set a rule of no phone calls after 9pm. This made him mad and he decided to move out to live with this girl and her mom, with her mom offering to pick him up! He says that since he is 18 he is an adult and can do whatever he wants.
I told him that if he thought he could support himself, he knew where the door was. I also told him that when he decides to come home he will be expected to pay $175.00 per month rent and supply everything for himself (shampoo, deoderant ect.). He was also told that he would be responsible for his own health care, car, insurance,gas... I had previously offered the same to my 19 y/o daughter.
I have raised these children for the past 5 years and watched as they have walk all over their father, which he seems to facilitate. I can't stand it anymore and after talking to my husband explained to the boys that when they walk out the door they become adults and must take care of themselves.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. I am working full time and going to school, I also have a 3 y/o son who does everything his brothers do. HELP!!!
I told him that if he thought he could support himself, he knew where the door was. I also told him that when he decides to come home he will be expected to pay $175.00 per month rent and supply everything for himself (shampoo, deoderant ect.). He was also told that he would be responsible for his own health care, car, insurance,gas... I had previously offered the same to my 19 y/o daughter.
I have raised these children for the past 5 years and watched as they have walk all over their father, which he seems to facilitate. I can't stand it anymore and after talking to my husband explained to the boys that when they walk out the door they become adults and must take care of themselves.
Any suggestions would be welcomed. I am working full time and going to school, I also have a 3 y/o son who does everything his brothers do. HELP!!!

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Wow, 7 kids! We have 3 and that keeps us pretty busy.
My Dd said once the "now I'm 18 I can do whatever I want" and I also said "no, you can do whatever you want when you move out and support yourself." She really isn't a problem. She graduated at the top of her class and is going to college next year and living away. Since your DSS is having trouble in school, what is his plan for after graduation? If he's at voc, is there a plan for him to work in a trade? If he did that, he could probably make very good money.
I would just ignore the "I'm going to live /w my GF" as just a big bluff for now. He's probably wanting you to beg him to stay. I would def. say that he is not allowed to move anywhere until he is actually 18. Of course, then if he is 18, you can't prevent it, but does he have any idea what things cost? Probably not. My DD lives at home, but she still has to pay for her own gas & insurance and we are middle class. Ins. is very expensive for teens and we told her if she wanted her own car (given by grandma), then she would have to pay for her own ins. Of course, she complains every month, but she pays it.
I was never a big fan of having kids pay rent to live in their own family house unless they were out of school and in a full time job or the family really needed the money. Of course, some times the family will put the money away so they have a saving acct and that's good too. But saying that if he leaves, then he can't come home unless he pays rent might lead to him wanting to come home and not feeling that he's able to. I went away to college and law school, then returned home for 2 yrs because I got a job where my parents lived. I was engaged at the time so I figured why spend rent on an apt. when I was saving up for things like furniture. Of course, I paid for my own car, health ins was free from my job, clothes, etc. But my parents never made my pay rent, nor did they ever make my brother pay and he was always moving out & in.
My DH will say things like that. He has kind of a bad relationship w/ his 17 yo DD. She went to live w/ her grandma for the summer a couple of years ago. i know that she has asked her gm to live there after she turns 18, but gm doesn't really want the responsibility. My DH would say things like "If you move out, you can never come home", etc. which just damaged the relationship further. I wouldn't say anything that would make this kid think that if he moves out, his family doesn't want him anymore.
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I totally agree.
This childs whole problem was "I am 18 years old, I shouldn't have to follow rules". Well it is time to wake up and smell the coffee son, no matter where you go there are rules, school, work, even wal-mart. The "rule" problem was over the phone. His girlfriends # is long distance and he calls her 7 - 10 times a night! Some of those calls are made at 1 AM! He was told not to make or recieve any calls after 9PM. Reason being the calls would start at the min. he entered the house after his summer job tying up the phone for hours. He just had it in his head that he was free to do whatever he wanted and didn't have to pay for it.
At this point everyone has taken issue with the "rent" thing and not taken into consideration that we are a lower middle class family with 7 children, 2 jobs, and a mother who attends college. We are not able to allow these kids to just do "whatever they want and leave us with the bills". We have never asked any of our children to pay anything to live here since they are in school. But once they leave they are on their own! How can we pay for 100's of dollars in long distance phone calls for 7 kids? Well, we can't. On top of that if it is so important to talk to her why can't he use the cell phone that he pays for rather than the "family phone"? My parents are older and if anything goes wrong how would they get through if the phone is busy at all hours?
I have no problem with my kids living here as long as they can be considerate of the rest of the family. J. is being disrespectful to everyone else by talking on the phone when his younger brothers (who he shares a room with) are trying to sleep. He is also disrespecting the family when he yells at us to turn down the TV (when we are watching a movie/TV as a family) so he can talk on the phone. There lies the whole PROBLEM, not the rent issue. The rent issue kept him from leaving, the phone is still the problem!
HELP!!!!!
I know its a land line but can you pull it from the wall and take it to your room at night>
I mentioned before that my 15 yr old has to turn in his keyboard and mouse to my room on school nights. He is compliant but, if he wasnt, I would certainly march in there myself and disconnect it!
I know he has to learn self control, etc but sometimes getting rid of the immediate issue-the presence of the phone-allows everyone to get past that one hang up and concentrate on the bigger concepts
THEN you could show him the household budget, for example. Have him sit with you to write the checks for the monthly bills. Go car shopping through the paper just for fun. Run one of those amounts through an online calculator to figure monthly payments.
And Im huge on teens doing their own laundry-in one of your posts you mentioned how he thinks it happens like magic! That's an easy way to teach a life lesson AND take off a bit of the 7 kid load(just thinking about 7 kids laundry exhausts me)
My oldest wanted faster internet at home at one point so he paid for it-actually set it up and all although Im not sure how since he wasnt 18 yet. Actually it worked well for when he did move out because he now had credit in his name and didnt have to mess with the big utility deposits.
I think anything we can do to help them see what its like is valuable but I believe it has to be hands or eyes on.
They aren't too good at taking our word for things
I have unpluged the phone line, but I can't plug it in in the bedroom because there is no jack. We bought a phone with 2 hand sets but only one plugs into the jack because only one is available. I have even taken the hand set to bed with me.
Even his dad isn't able to understand that a monthly/weekly budget is needed in order to keep the house running smoothly. Oh yeah he will look at it but I have to "demand" the money be put aside for bills each week or it won't get done. You see they (my husband included) all have lived from week to week for so long that even after 5 years they don't see how easy it would be to just save it back. It isn't like the kids have been taught "waste no, want not".
I am not just fighting phone issues, there are others but we won't go there. It would take too long and sound as if we were a disfunctional family. We aren't but like all combined families we have our moments. I would just like to keep my son at home and in school at least until he can take care of himself a little better.
Anyway if anyone can help more than those who have already replied please feel free to do so. I can use all the help I can get.
THANKS
You say your ds has his own cell that he pays for? Do you have your own cell phone?
It may not sound all that practical, but you might consider one of these options...Call your telephone company and see if you can close out the long distance part of your landline. I did that with my home phone. I suppose it would depend on your phone company. OR, if you yourself need to make long distance calls, buy yourself a cell phone (if you don't already have one) and completely get rid of the landline. You may think a cell phone is an extravagance that you can't afford, but if those long distance calls are what you say they are, then I'd be willing to guess it would pay for that cell. They have several options out there, surely you can find one that would work for your own situation.
Other than that, I'm not sure what else to tell you.
He just needs to use his own phone to make those calls
Your internet is on long-distance? Yikes! So not only do you have to pay for the phone line and internet service, but you have to pay for the time you are on-line too? sheesh. I really would hate to have your long distance bill. Makes it a little hard to do your classes if your ds is on the phone all the time, huh?
I believe most phone companies offer a just a computer line (no phone). You could always check into that.
One of the consistencies I've been seeing in this thread is that you seem to have a reason for why every solution that's offered won't work with you for some reason. I understand exactly where you're coming from in trying to discourage your son from moving out, and I also understand what it's like to be a lower middle income family (being a single mom is tough), but by the same token, I do agree with the posters that indicate forcing the child to pay rent if he returns will discourage him from returning (although it does seem to be working in discouraging him from leaving). Even though we are a lower income family, as long as my children follow my rules and go to school, they will not have to pay rent.
Everyone deserves the chance to rectify a mistake. If your DS moves out, thinking life is so much better on his own, and realizes quickly how wrong he is, he should have the opportunity to backtrack and make things better. Part of parenting is teaching lessons - and allowing a "safe" place for your children to learn.
That being said, I would suggest the following:
1. IF DS moves out of the house, let him know what the rules are. Set a date for him to either return and/or be gone for good (as I said, in my home, it's two weeks - if you're not back in two weeks, your brother gets your room and you're gone). When he returns (and he will), present him with a written contract of the rules. If he wants to come back, he has to sign it. I would NOT make payment of rent a contingency. I WOULD make going to school and/or getting a job a contingency, and I WOULD make him responsible for his own expenses (clothing, entertainment, cell phone, etc.).
2. Phone/internet - kill your land line. Use your cell phone. Or allow only those long-distance numbers that connect to the internet. Password your computer. Or check into cable internet (after reducing your long-distance phone bill, it might actually be cheaper).
3. Laundry - make him do his own laundry. You don't want him using your washer/dryer because he breaks it? OK - then he can go to the laundromat (for anyone who thinks this is cruel, I had my own apartment at 18. I did NOT have a car. I walked - a mile - to the laundromat every week with my laundry. Is it a pain in the neck? Yes. Is it unnecessary cruelty? Oh please).
4. Rent - if he doesn't go to school, he gets a full-time job and pays rent. If he goes to school, he doesn't have to pay rent. But he has until a certain date to either get a job and/or enroll in school.
5. House rules - whatever they are, they are yours. If he chooses not to follow them, he leaves.
One of the things I had to learn was that all the arguing in the world wouldn't make my son follow the rules - I can't control his behavior - only my reactions.
I hope these suggestions help.
It's difficult since he is using the land line for long distance if you can't eliminate that. I take it that he has no job and no savings acct. We had a problem w/ DSD over-charging on the cell phone (we have a joint family plan). A couple of years ago, she charged up literally hundreds of dollars because she was using her cell phone when she got home from school instead of using the home phone, which would have been free. The cell is free after 9:00 p.m. Somehow she couldn't understand that since 4 of us were sharing the minutes, it really didn't give many minutes per day for each person to use. After that, there were a number of other problems and DSd ended up spending the summer living at her grandma's house w/ no cell phone.
When she returned home in Sept. her dad said we can try an experiment to see if you can be responsible w/ the cell phone and if you can't, then we'll get you one of those pay as you go plans and you will have to buy the minutes. Since that was a really bad deal, she said she would change. She really didn't charge up until last month, when I found out that she charged $80 extra using text messages, which I thought DH had prevented her from using. He told her she had to pay the $80, but I haven't seen it. Knowing him, he probably forgot.
An underlying theme in your messages is that it doesn't seem that the dad is on board w/ this plan. I think that's a major problem. Kids really don't listen to stepparents as much as they listen to parents, even though you have had a significant part of raising him and you might look at him as you do your own children, but most of the time, kids don't want to be told what to do by a step. So unless dad is there backing you up and can understand that this is an unnecessary expense on the family that son should be paying for, I don't think you are going to solve this problem.
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