Techno Age & Teens-Myspace/Facebook

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Techno Age & Teens-Myspace/Facebook
32
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:07am

I read with interest the myspace/facebook discussion below...and was shocked to see two different camps - one that would never ask for their child's myspace/facebook password but WILL open their mail (which is the camp I belong to), and the other who would never open the mail but checks the myspace/facebook daily? I wonder how that happened?

In reality, the mail is safer. You KNOW when you see a letter whether it's from someone you know - and whether it's an invitation or thank you note. Whereas the internet is so public, and there's so much danger involved, that it really does make more sense to focus your monitoring on that aspect of your child's life.

But we seem to have forgotten one very important detail. Our children were raised in this technological age - unlike us, they haven't learned it as adults. Just like we learned from each other how to "bulk up the blankets" so our parents didn't see we'd snuck out, they share information with each other on a daily basis that teaches each other how to "scam" Mom and Dad who are checking myspace/facebook.

Fake screen names, additional myspace/facebook accounts, the ability to create an unlimited number of email accounts through yahoo, gmail, hotmail, etc. make it easy for our children to have the myspace/facebook account we "see" and have access to and the one we "don't." The one we don't simply won't have THEIRi picture or name, so if we search their friends' pages, we won't find them - and if we believe there's something suspicious about a myspace page, and think it's something they may have created, it will be private.

I created a fake myspace to show them how easy it would be for a predator to befriend them. I had 55 friends in a month...using fake pictures, a fake email address, and a completely invented personality. When my son found out that his ex was looking at his myspace, and Dad insisted that DS "friend" him, he simply created a new one - that didn't show what he didn't want seen.

If your children don't balk at giving you their passwords (as most will), be wary - it could mean you're getting the "safe" account. Same with email. One can create a gmail account you would never know about.

if you're truly suspicious, a good keystroke logging program or internet monitoring program will tell you exactly where your child is going online...but if it's just "watching for watching's sake," take less time to investigate their email and myspace and more time to talk to them...you're more likely to get the truth.

Also - play the game - be "friendly" with their friends - most of my kids' friends are my friends on myspace--I see everything that's going on. The good part about this is that if either of my kids created a fake myspace to "get over," I'd know it immediately. I also know which of their friends lie to their parents, which smoke pot, which went out drinking last weekend. It's information I keep in my head until I need it (my son's best friend once said they knew they weren't allowed to go to a party before they were even invited bc "Mamarose has myspace").

Keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention - you'll learn far more that way than by having your kids' passwords.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 5:05am

Good post MamaRose. I am on MySpace and my son and many of his friends including his boyfriend are my friends. (Their icon pictures change regularly. At this moment one is Betty White and the other is Estelle Getty!) I have always had a policy with him that I do not read his emails even if he forgets to close the page when he is finished. It is more important that he knows that I respect him enough to not violate his privacy. That was very hard to do when he was very involved in drugs and other addictions. My major source of information about what was going on came directly from him because through all that drama, I still made sure that we got to spend extended time together just hanging out, doing road trips, or going out to eat. He also always looked forward to those talks.

The way to get boys to tell you their real feelings is to hang out with them for at least 3 hours at a time. That has always been the secret to my success with all the kids I have worked with. I can get to the most unreachable withdrawn kid because I just hang out and let them get comfortable with me. I am never aggressive in trying to get them to talk. It has to happen in their time and that can be a considerable amount of time. With perseverance, it will eventually happen.

MomaRose, you are totally on track when you said that spending more time talking and less time snooping will, in the long run be more productive. My kids have always known that I regard their goof-ups as learning situations rather than as slaps in my face or other similar exercises in histrionics and drama that parents can lapse into. For this reason, they will eventually tell me what is going on. They can count on my first question being something like "So what did you learn from this?" The follow up question would be, "So how do you think you could handle that in the future so you could get a more favorable result?" Those are coaching questions. With older teens and young adults, I believe they respond way better to being coached than dictated to.

Bt the way, I get way more intelligence from over-hearing phone and in person conversations between my son and his friends. I am not going out of my way to ease drop. When he really does not want me to hear, he goes and talks out of ear shot. Most of the time he either forgets I am there or does not care if I hear. The other way I get intelligence is because I am real friendly with his good friends. When he was not living with me and at the height of his addiction, it was his friends that kept me informed and asked for clues as to how to help him. Exactly what you were talking about in your post.

Enough for now. I am tired so I am rambling.

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:46am
I agree with both you and Mamarose. It is hard to stay one stop ahead of these kids technology-wise. (I do check their Internet history from time to time, although I'm sure they could erase that too. Luckily, mine haven't figured that out yet.) I do not consider looking at their MySpace or Facebook postings as "snooping." I consider it to be monitoring them for their own safety. I'm not looking for information on them--just making sure they are staying safe. That doesn't mean I don't spend time with my kids. I am a SAHM, and I spend a lot of time with them. No matter how much they tell me or don't tell me, I still think it's important to look at what they're putting in a very public forum. Teens do not always have the world's best judgment, to say the least. Is it possible they could have other Facebook accounts that I don't know about? Sure--but I can only do what I can do. That possibility doesn't mean that I shouldn't monitor what I can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 8:43am

Very interesting post! I thought it was interesting about the fake FaceBook accounts and email addresses.

Just curious...how do you find out if your kid has a "secret" Facebook account?

Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:14am

Here's my question...

I agree with you - the way to get kids (not just boys, girls too) to talk to you is to spend time with them.

What if they won't? I don't think my son and I have spent three hours together in the past three WEEKS. The 20 minutes in the car every other day (when he can't find a more appealing ride) might be all I get. I could insist - he would say no. And when we ARE together, he's attached to the damn phone.

(They say money is the root of all evil? WRONG - It's TEXT MESSAGING)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:19am

Just a couple of things I wanted to address that you said:

<<(I do check their Internet history from time to time, although I'm sure they could erase that too. Luckily, mine haven't figured that out yet.)>>

If your children are over the age of 8, I can guarantee you they know how to erase the history - but they're not going to tell you, because once they do, they know you KNOW.

If you think your children are not technological geniuses by the age of 10, you're probably wrong. There are some that do not get involved in the video game/computer/cell phone frenzy that has swept the younger generation, but for those that do, they know how to do EVERYTHING.

INCLUDING - erasing only PORTIONS of the Internet history - letting you think it's still there but getting rid of the parts they don't want you to see. My son was doing that for about a month before I figured it out.

<>

Looking at their postings - or their pages - or their pictures...absolutely not. I have insisted my son take down pictures from his facebook/myspace I considered inappropriate.

I DO consider having their passwords and snooping around their private messages to be not only an invasion of their privacy, but a complete contradiction of the kind of behavior we're trying to teach. UNLESS (and I'm betting this is where Jason and I disagree) there's an indication that your child has a problem with drugs - or alcohol - or inappropriate behavior...in which case I feel all bets are off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 9:28am

<>

You don't - that's my POINT. You have no way of knowing. They can be using another computer, or going to the library, or hitting Kinko's for an hour...using a fake name (so you can't search their REAL name), they can create a gmail, hotmail, AOL, or yahoo account. Those accounts are free and not computer-specific. Through this account, your child can create a myspace, friendster, facebook, etc. account - by not using their REAL pictures as their default, keeping their profile "private," erasing computer history, using their OWN computers (how many parents have bought their kids computers so they could "do their homework"?), they can have a whole other life going on that you're unaware of.

(It should be noted that the convenience created for adults - ie, checking your email from anywhere, even your phone, has made it significantly easier for kids to sneak around on the computer).

You can't stop the sneaking around. You can't control it, and if they want to do it, they will. The key is, if your child is SO DESPERATE to hide things from you that he/she would go to the trouble of creating a completely different profile that you can't see, your problems stem far beyond that of computer usage.

I'm not giving answers - or even answering questions - just providing information.

And no, to my knowledge, my children do not have secret accounts. They allow me to see theirs - but you know what? They could - and I wouldn't know about it (I'm going with the theory that my kids are too lazy to go through that work).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 10:07am

Thanks for your reply...I was just curious if you can find a secret account if necessary. I'm going to make a guess and say that I don't think my dd has a "secret" Facebook. Because our PC is in the family room, we can see what she's up to on the PC. Also, she leaves her Facebook up and running sometimes, forgets to shut it down and walks away, so I can she what she's doing. I have no interest in getting her a PC for her room and if I did, it would not have the internet on it. As far as I'm concerned, if she has a PC in her room, I will never see her. :-) I might has well buy her a refrigerator and then she'll never have to come out of her room again. She has a couple of friends who have PC's in their room and she has told me that they never get a good night's sleep since they're up til 2:00 a.m. or later on school nights talking to their friends.

But, like you said, if a kid is going to those lengths to sneak around...there are bigger concerns to be aware of and the signs would probably be there besides having a secret account on Facebook.

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 11:41am

Your child may erase the history, but probably won't have time to delete the temp internet files...where you can also find out where they have been.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:36pm
You know, the thought just occurred to me that if parents are going to check up on just what their kids are posting on the Internet, there is a way of preventing them from setting up secret pages. If you use the information that you glean from your efforts strictly as guidance for what you need to discuss with them to give them the ability to make better choices rather than confronting them with what you found, you will preserve the source. In my years of working with street kids, I never revealed my sources. I would overhear two kids talking about a third one and later on I would casually get the third kid into a discussion around the bit of info I had gathered. When he asked how I found out about his (usually criminal) doings, my stock answer was, "You know that Jason knows all!" After a while everyone assumed I knew all and they used to discuss things with me assuming I already knew. With your kids on the Internet, I would just use whatever you find as a guide for needed parenting and do not reveal the source. Those secret pages are only done when kids know that parents are looking.

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 1:50pm

Is that the usual three weeks or is it because they are in their performance mode right now?

The way I engineer quality time together is to figure out activities we could do that he would really like to do. I have in the past taken him to music concerts that I was not too interested in, because I would then have talking time on the way, at dinner before the event, and on the way home afterwards. Sometimes when they are super busy, it takes some creativity to figure it out. Sometimes there just is not any space available and that can work to our advantage a little later on. After such a period I have mentioned to DS that we haven't done anything in a while and he usually agrees and is ready for such an event.

I am fortunate in that my DS has always liked these hanging out times. With many of my former foster teens, I had to create those spaces.

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

Pages