Techno Age & Teens-Myspace/Facebook

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Techno Age & Teens-Myspace/Facebook
32
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:07am

I read with interest the myspace/facebook discussion below...and was shocked to see two different camps - one that would never ask for their child's myspace/facebook password but WILL open their mail (which is the camp I belong to), and the other who would never open the mail but checks the myspace/facebook daily? I wonder how that happened?

In reality, the mail is safer. You KNOW when you see a letter whether it's from someone you know - and whether it's an invitation or thank you note. Whereas the internet is so public, and there's so much danger involved, that it really does make more sense to focus your monitoring on that aspect of your child's life.

But we seem to have forgotten one very important detail. Our children were raised in this technological age - unlike us, they haven't learned it as adults. Just like we learned from each other how to "bulk up the blankets" so our parents didn't see we'd snuck out, they share information with each other on a daily basis that teaches each other how to "scam" Mom and Dad who are checking myspace/facebook.

Fake screen names, additional myspace/facebook accounts, the ability to create an unlimited number of email accounts through yahoo, gmail, hotmail, etc. make it easy for our children to have the myspace/facebook account we "see" and have access to and the one we "don't." The one we don't simply won't have THEIRi picture or name, so if we search their friends' pages, we won't find them - and if we believe there's something suspicious about a myspace page, and think it's something they may have created, it will be private.

I created a fake myspace to show them how easy it would be for a predator to befriend them. I had 55 friends in a month...using fake pictures, a fake email address, and a completely invented personality. When my son found out that his ex was looking at his myspace, and Dad insisted that DS "friend" him, he simply created a new one - that didn't show what he didn't want seen.

If your children don't balk at giving you their passwords (as most will), be wary - it could mean you're getting the "safe" account. Same with email. One can create a gmail account you would never know about.

if you're truly suspicious, a good keystroke logging program or internet monitoring program will tell you exactly where your child is going online...but if it's just "watching for watching's sake," take less time to investigate their email and myspace and more time to talk to them...you're more likely to get the truth.

Also - play the game - be "friendly" with their friends - most of my kids' friends are my friends on myspace--I see everything that's going on. The good part about this is that if either of my kids created a fake myspace to "get over," I'd know it immediately. I also know which of their friends lie to their parents, which smoke pot, which went out drinking last weekend. It's information I keep in my head until I need it (my son's best friend once said they knew they weren't allowed to go to a party before they were even invited bc "Mamarose has myspace").

Keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention - you'll learn far more that way than by having your kids' passwords.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 2:17pm

We don't disagree. As you know, up until a year ago my son, the raging addict was all that was going on. I have realized as I was writing the last couple of replies that with this kid, I probably was approaching differently than with my other kids. He is adopted and ran away from his birth family for his own protection. Establishing trust with him was my overwhelming mission. That was more important than any bit of information I might get from cyber snooping. If, by accident, I stumbled on something of his on the computer, I would not discuss it with him. I already knew what he was doing, so I didn't need to look any further.

With teens in general, I have absolutely no problem with looking at what they are publicly posting or the Internet history listings. The more you know the better you can figure out what part of parenting needs to be the next focus.

As you have been saying, they are quite tech savvy so we probably will not win at the snooping game. That is why I would only reveal my source when I really needed to take direct action for their protection. As a rule, though, I would not hack into their email accounts unless it was an emergency situation. I usually opt for building trust.

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 7:50pm

I knew someone would bring that up about the kids knowing how to erase the history! :-) I know I can't be sure, but I'm fairly certain because I am still finding things I'm not happy about from time to time! But obviously, I know that's a possibility.

We'll have to agree to disagree on the rest...I don't see any harm in occasionally looking at their inbox just to ascertain who they're talking to, and that it doesn't include strangers. I respect their privacy, but they are kids and don't have the same privileges as responsible adults.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 2:20am

OMG as my dds would say. I am the one who opens their mail--partly from the days when I handled all their party invites, which is what their mail mostly consists of...I never opened a letter because they text, im, email, whatever...But the pen is alien to themLOLThey are thrilled the moms busted me about opening their mail. I think the moms made a good point. So, I am stopping--altho it is killing me. I luv to know what they are up, assess the whole situation, etc.

Now the facebook question,,,Wow, the information here will keep me reading for days. I don't know how to monitor it, really just gut feel right asking for her password...I'd like to protect her, but don't want to her to feel she can't express herself without me reading it. I wouldn't look at a letter she wrote. Well, I would--but I wouldn't ask to...This is something I have to work through...U wouldn't have wanted my mom reading my letters to pen pals--what facebook reminds me of...

But I want to learn what you all jnow technically and then see how to protect her without making her feel she can't have privacy,,,,Geez, what an age!

Thanks for your post. Good luck! You seem so much savvier than I am on this...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 7:10am
Okay so let's be real here...if your teen goes to those lengths to hide things from you then your problems are far more serious than I few facebook accounts. Facebook isn't the problem -- the teen is. And there are millions of people using these sites safely and productively including teens. Take away their facebook and they will use something else. How did our generation sneak around on mom and dad? And our parents generation? The technology is only a facilitator for the same old problems.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 9:13am

Umm...that was exactly my point.

I have stated before that I don't believe in having my childrens' passwords and looking into their email/facebook accounts. I have had them in the past, but generally because I opened the account FOR them. I will admit that when my children are dumb enough to leave their passwords saved or leave their windows open, I will look (hey, if it's there, it's public), and once in a while, I HAVE seen things I found objectionable, and I have addressed them.

But as diamondslb states, those things would be there with or without facebook, or email, or any other technology. The idea is to get them to be open about things.

Everyone has their approach - and to be honest, most of our kids turn out fine no matter what approach we use...and that's the goal, right?

Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 9:45am

Here is something that my mother said to me. I was feeling a bit guilty about certain things I find out through myspace etc. It causes me to be upset with my child at times and I wonder if Ignorance wouldn't just be bliss :) Well, when I told my mom that she said, how do you think I felt when I took all of the "notes" out of your pockets when I did the laundry. Kids don't write hand written notes during the school day....they text,myspace,etc, it's still the same stuff.

Of coarse, my mom made me feel better. "snooping" isn't anything new to this generation, it just feels that way because we have to be cyber savy to do it.

Just 2cents,

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:11am

I completely understand your point that if you have to sneak into your kid's facebook to find stuff out that it may appear that there are bigger problems to deal with. But I have to disagree a bit.

First of all, some parents may check their kid's facebook not to see what their kid is saying or doing but sometimes to see what their friends are saying or doing. I have concerns of my dd being contacted on her facebook by guys she doesn't know or being approached in an appropriate way. This hasn't happened to her but she has had a boy harrass her on her Facebook who goes to her high school. I have seen some of the kids she knows doing things that they would never want their parents or other adults to see...drinking, smoking pot, etc. Sometimes, I can get a pretty good idea of which parents in town aren't supervising parties...even though the parents may say they will be home, sometimes stuff still happens right under their noses and the pictures are there to prove it. Also, I really do believe that the majority of kids, no matter how good or close to their parents they are, hide stuff from their parents. It's part of being a teenager.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:13am
Your mom is a very smart lady...:-)
Avatar for jbgattuso
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 10:24am

Thanks :) I think so too, and know that I am lucky to have her around to help raise grandkids :)

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 2:04pm

nikimom,

I absolutely agree with you - and not knowing much about facebook, I can't comment on that, but I can say that I can find out all of that - who's smoking pot, whose parents aren't supervising parties, who's harassing my kids - WITHOUT having their myspace password. The ONLY thing I can't see without their myspace password is their sent/received messages.

I understand that when we were kids, we wrote notes...but you know what? Although our parents may have read those notes if they "found" them, for the most part, we either hid or destroyed them, and they never saw them. In this techno age, I feel their email and text messages are really the same thing.

My sons are my "friends" on myspace. They know that if I'm NOT their friend, they are not allowed to access myspace from my computer. My younger son (15) is required to keep his myspace private (and every so often I try to access it from an account other than my own to make sure it still is). My older son (18) is an adult - he will have to make his own decisions. If I see a "friend" on their myspace (I review their friends carefully) who has a private site, I ask to see it...if I don't think it's appropriate, I make them delete it (well, DS15 - as I said, DS18 is an adult - I'm not going to try to make him do anything). Most of THEIR friends are also MY friends on myspace, so I CAN see their pages. I have stopped my children from going to parties, "snagged" their friends by telling them I know they're smoking pot, and found out that my own children lied to me - by reading their myspace and their friends' myspace - LEGALLY - NOT by hacking into their accounts by having their passwords.

The truth is, if our children want to hide things from us, they're going to find a way - they CAN delete the history (and sorry to say, they know about temporary internet files too - with the new Windows XP - you can delete it all at once). They CAN go to someone else's house. Or, like us, they can simply hide things in such a way that we can't find them.

I've said this before - I'm not above snooping. As a general rule, I check their myspace, their facebook, and my warning of "if you don't clean your room by Friday, I'm cleaning it" comes with the general knowledge that I look at anything I find. And if I felt my child was in any kind of danger or acting suspiciously - I would snoop through everything - including the bathroom wastebasket if i have to. But if things seem to be progressing normally, I will continue to look at their websites, glance at anything they leave lying around, but I will never ask for their passwords just to see "what they're up to."

It's hard for us to handle, but kids are SUPPOSED to be up to things we don't know about. The thing is, our parents actually didn't even know HOW to know it - bc there was no technology.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all - so I'll stop now :).