Techno Age & Teens-Myspace/Facebook

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Registered: 12-20-2005
Techno Age & Teens-Myspace/Facebook
32
Thu, 08-16-2007 - 12:07am

I read with interest the myspace/facebook discussion below...and was shocked to see two different camps - one that would never ask for their child's myspace/facebook password but WILL open their mail (which is the camp I belong to), and the other who would never open the mail but checks the myspace/facebook daily? I wonder how that happened?

In reality, the mail is safer. You KNOW when you see a letter whether it's from someone you know - and whether it's an invitation or thank you note. Whereas the internet is so public, and there's so much danger involved, that it really does make more sense to focus your monitoring on that aspect of your child's life.

But we seem to have forgotten one very important detail. Our children were raised in this technological age - unlike us, they haven't learned it as adults. Just like we learned from each other how to "bulk up the blankets" so our parents didn't see we'd snuck out, they share information with each other on a daily basis that teaches each other how to "scam" Mom and Dad who are checking myspace/facebook.

Fake screen names, additional myspace/facebook accounts, the ability to create an unlimited number of email accounts through yahoo, gmail, hotmail, etc. make it easy for our children to have the myspace/facebook account we "see" and have access to and the one we "don't." The one we don't simply won't have THEIRi picture or name, so if we search their friends' pages, we won't find them - and if we believe there's something suspicious about a myspace page, and think it's something they may have created, it will be private.

I created a fake myspace to show them how easy it would be for a predator to befriend them. I had 55 friends in a month...using fake pictures, a fake email address, and a completely invented personality. When my son found out that his ex was looking at his myspace, and Dad insisted that DS "friend" him, he simply created a new one - that didn't show what he didn't want seen.

If your children don't balk at giving you their passwords (as most will), be wary - it could mean you're getting the "safe" account. Same with email. One can create a gmail account you would never know about.

if you're truly suspicious, a good keystroke logging program or internet monitoring program will tell you exactly where your child is going online...but if it's just "watching for watching's sake," take less time to investigate their email and myspace and more time to talk to them...you're more likely to get the truth.

Also - play the game - be "friendly" with their friends - most of my kids' friends are my friends on myspace--I see everything that's going on. The good part about this is that if either of my kids created a fake myspace to "get over," I'd know it immediately. I also know which of their friends lie to their parents, which smoke pot, which went out drinking last weekend. It's information I keep in my head until I need it (my son's best friend once said they knew they weren't allowed to go to a party before they were even invited bc "Mamarose has myspace").

Keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention - you'll learn far more that way than by having your kids' passwords.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 2:26pm

Just to fill in some background -- I have a facebook and myspace and my 16 yo daughter is a "friend" on both. I can see what she does if I like. We also both use MSN messenger. I also know her password mainly because she uses the same password for everything. And she's fine with me knowing it mostly because, in her case, she has nothing to hide from me and she has been, so far, a very open and forthcoming teen. I have a few of her friends phone numbers in case I need to reach her as well.

The one thing I will say about facebook and checking what other kids are up to around her and the parties and how they behave etc etc is that it is sometimes "too much information" and yet "too little information" if you know what I mean. If you don't truly know a kid or their family or their situation, you can take a few sentences or pictures or posts completely out of context and misjudge them terribly. And that goes both ways -- they can look like complete angels but be more trouble than they seem or they appear to be really bad kids but they are just joking around or posturing.

When we were teens without all this very public technology, kids could be kids and sometimes say stupid things or make stupid mistakes and maybe a few people would know about it but not everyone. And so we got a chance to live through some pretty dumb things we did. Thank goodness my boyfriend and his parents didn't know some of the things I did before I met him. And I don't want them to know because to know those few things about me is NOT entirely who I am as a person. None of us is perfect but if you shine the light on our blemishes we will look alot more damaged than we are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:16pm

I agree that if a child has to go to the lengths where they are sneaking a facebook there are bigger issues at hand.

I don't agree that the internet is the same as sneaking out was say 20 years ago. As parents it is our job to know more than our children. We did not step out of our homes and hand all of our personal information over to pediphiles, perverts and anyone else who might care to look - including potential bosses or college recruitters. The internet is not the place to be passive in parenting. Kids do not understand the risk - socially, professionally, academically, legally or future implications.

Personally, I would rather they take positive risks in real life than put themselves out there on line.

Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2007
Fri, 08-17-2007 - 4:38pm
This has been my point all along! Well said!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 3:27am

It makes all the sense in the world to me. You just wrote the manual on how to handle these things.

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 4:21pm
Just a little update re Facebook. My daughter has 4 friends from our school where she graduated on Facebook who I know well. All are nice, clean cut girls from nice families who care about their children very, very much. I asked three if their moms know their password and one mom if she did. The girls said their parents didn't even know what facebook was. When I asked my friend if her daughter put her actual town or if she had dd password (again a lovely girl), my friend said I didn't even know she was on threre. I think this must be an exceptional group of parents who log in here--very careful and concerned about threir teens. I just looked at one of dd's friends profiles with her--we were just doing it in a fun like way. They were showing me the pictures, info, etc. My daughter is happy she made eleven friends from the new school where she is going to go in a week and knows no one. This is great! She tells me about them and I am happy she knows people. The thing is very identifying info is on their profiles, actual town, high school, etc. They feel facebook is very safe becuz. it's high school and college kids. Is specific info safe?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 6:50pm


Curious but why would parents of college students have the passwords to their adult children's FACEBOOK page? I can see having the password for an underage child but a college student?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 7:50pm

I dont think she meant the girls graduated high school-more likely 8th grade? Im putting that together from other posts and assuming she is in the States

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 8:23pm
I had my ds removed his high school information and made him only put the state where he lives in.
Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 08-19-2007 - 10:13pm
This is the problem with teens, they don't realize that there are people who lie about who they are. The site may be specific to high school students, but that doesn't mean that adults don't get on there and pose as high school students. Most internet predators aren't on there saying their actual ages etc. They don't understand what extent a predator will go to, to find someone.
I think you need to talk to your dd and explain this to her and be sure that she understands that anyone who requests to be her friend should be someone that she knows. My dd doesn't make anyone her friend unless she knows who they are and if she doesn't know them she blocks them.
She needs to know some safety rules.
Kristie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:33am
That is excellent advice. I agree with you. The internet can be a scary place for teens. When my daughter was talking to a guy from my space I was concerned he misrepresented his age and I investigated to find out he was legitimate. But I am also concerned these kids put the exact name of their towns down, etc. I'm also going to see in the high school if they can talk to the kids about internet safety, as I think it will have double weight coming to them from another source as well. Thanks though for helping to keep me aware I have to make my dd understand this. They think I'm paranoid. So, it's good to hear other moms are concerned about the same thing.