Teen annoyed by cousins

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Teen annoyed by cousins
10
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:23pm

Hi, you all may remember me, from my post about family outings annoying my teen.

I have a somewhat related issue. My daughter (17) is extremely annoyed and short with her younger cousins. They're all much younger, and she doesn't really have anyone to "hang" with when we visit. However, her 4/5 yo cousins all act their age. They scream, run around and shout. She's annoyed. They have tantrums, she's annoyed. One 3/4yo went through a biting and hitting stage. He bit my daughter and drew blood, and proceeded to still hit her. She now refuses to go near this child, and is still disdainful of her aunt, who didn't do anything. I get being upset, but come on! She just has very little interest in interacting with her cousins, finds them boring, annoying. She seems to feel this way about almost all small children, and it upsets me. Any tips?

As well, my FIL is known to spout some pretty racist/sexist views and brings up political discussions at the dinner table. Rather than argue, my daughter gets up and leaves when he crosses the line into offensive territory. (Once said something about "asking to be raped...BLEH). This upsets him to no end. Maturely suck it up, or allow her to leave the table?

TIA!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 8:59pm

I've had to deal with the whole "much younger cousins" issue a lot in my house.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 9:12pm

I don't know what to say about the young children problem. I haven't had to deal with that one at all.


OTOH if I was faced with

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:16pm

We have the same cousin thing going on - my dd is 8 years older than my ds, and 9-10 years older than the two cousins. Doesn't help that all three younger ones are boys! I've cut her some slack here - as long as she's not openly rude to her cousins, I can sorta understand that she doesn't enjoy them, especially if they whine/cry and my bro/sil don't do anything about it. I *do* try to point out their cute things, and I remind her that they won't be so little for long. But when we're all together, I let her have some alone time. I also make sure she gets some alone time with the grandparents - it's hard for her to see the cuter, littler kids get all of Grandma's attention.

Fortunately for my DD, we don't see them too often (They live in Russia right now). If it was a weekly or even monthly visit, it would be harder all around.

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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Avatar for mjaye2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:23pm

Well, I'm going to have to sympathize with your dd and her annoyance with little kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2003
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:57am

Regarding the younger cousin issue, I guess we've been lucky. My kids (16 and now 20) see the younger cousins about 3 to 4 times a year and the younger ones are so excited and admiring of them that my kids eat it up. My DD at about age 13 gave piggy back rides for the 3 year old until my DD just had to call it quits! I can see if they saw each other a lot, though, that mine would get bored. I think the issue is finding the line between getting down and playing with them--which is OK not to do--and at least acknowledging the younger ones and being pleasant about it.What has really helped at my family get togethers are some activities all generations can enjoy. Karoake and scattergories have been big hits.

On the FIL stuff, I think your DD has a very fine solution although I'd distinguish between racial remarks and political discussions. It could be a good chance to talk about different political views and when it's fine to engage and when it's better to keep the peace. Myself, I would (and have) had trouble keeping my mouth shut about racist or sexist views. .

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 9:45am


My kids are the youngest grandkids but I was a "middle" cousin in a sea of little cousins and much older cousins. Family gatherings were boring and,well, a trial. Not old enough to participate in the adult discussions ( the adults would play cards and talk work....), too young to hang out with the older cousins but too old to run around with the little ones, family events were dread events. I would bring a book,find a quiet corner and read. There were times that I took the little ones in hand and organized an activity. Once, I made up a play and had all the little ones take part. But the little ones were well-socialized; they were not allowed to run wild and yell because people can get hurt that way. They listened to me because I was an "adult" in their eyes. But, like most teens, by 16 and 17,
didn't want to do that anymore,unless I was babysitting. That's normal. At 17, kids want to distance themselves from kid stuff. It is part of growing up.

I was not expected to disciple them. That was the job of their parents. No kid would have been allowed to hit and bite, to the point of blood. My aunts or my grandmother would have been intervened and removed the child immediately. It was behavior that was not tolerated,even in a three year old! And serious tantrums were dealt with by the adults.

Look at it from your daughter's POV. Her aunt,by not intervening, sent a message to your daughter that her cousin is being taught that it is OK not to respect her cousin or anybody? Sorry but from what you have written, I don't think the problem is all one-sided.

By 15, my parents gave me a choice if I wanted to attend or not. They listened to what I was saying, explained the reasons why I should attend or not. To compromise, I would bring a book to read.

As for your FIL, your daughter sounds like the mature one. She removes herself from a potential negative situation. So what if your FIL is upset? Let your daughter leave the table. If she doesn't want to argue politics, respect her wishes. She is 17, after all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2001
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 11:13am

I am totally and completely on your daughter's side.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:13pm

Regarding FIL - yes, absolutely she should be allowed to leave the table (I would too!). By doing so she is putting up healthy boundaries for herself and there is nothing wrong with that. If anyone comments that she's being uptight or that fil means nothing by it, she should stick to her guns! It's her right to tune out negativity like that. Ugh.


The younger cousin thing? Well, in our family it was just one of those things we had to suck up. It's only for a day or two, she can deal with hanging around the younger kids. And if she really needs to be alone, she can bring along a book or something to do for when she needs a time out. I really wouldn't give her simply being annoyed by them much thought. However, the biting thing? I don't blame her for steering clear of this little bugger, but he is young and she is more mature and should know that he probably didn't mean to draw blood.

Avatar for suzyk2118
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-1997
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 12:26pm

DS15 is 2nd of 8 grandkids (all local); the oldest is 17 and is female.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 11-08-2007 - 11:03am

When I was in h.s. I wasn't interested at all in small children, so I can relate to your DD.