Teen boy going to a strip club

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Teen boy going to a strip club
5
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:08am

My 18 year old son who has been very responsible, gets straight A's and has been accepted to OSU in the fall confided in me about going to a strip club a few months ago He said it started out as a birthday present from a couple of his friends
It came out after a day of having this kid walking atound like a zombie and saying he felt hopeless and depressed
He finally admitted that he had feelings for one of the girls in the club
He said he feels like this is the only way he can get a girl this pretty to pay attention to him which breaks my heart
He wanted help with his "depression" and we told him we would set something up for him with a therapist and then decided on a male friend who he has been able to share things with in the past
He seemed back to himself after this
We also obviously forbid him from going to those kinds of clubs again and he agreed

This past weekend he stayed overnight with some friends which he has done regularly
When he came home yesterday he was like he had been before uncommunicative, sad, alittle hostile and angry especially with me. We had a family party which he participated in but seemed a little edgy and anxious.
I looked at his myspace this morning and he has been communicating again with this girl from the strip club (last Tuesday) and had lied to her about almost getting married, throwing his brother a party, etc just many made up stories to her.
I don't know if I should tell him I know he's been communicating with this girl
Set up an appointment for him to see someone
There is a depression checklist and he seems to fit some of the criteria
should I really be concerned
I'm really devastated for his loss of innocence

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:11am
It does sound like he might have some depression and definitely low self-esteem if he feels like the only girls that will pay attention to him are the ones that he has to pay!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 10:45am

I'm not upset at a bunch of 18 yr olds going to a strip club for a birthday. Actually, the fact your son has a strong group of friends is a good thing! There is this 'woohoo-Im 18' thing and many seem to want to mark the occasion.

His obsession with this girl IS worrisome to me. Does he date? Has he had GFs in high school?

I question depression because the incidents you describe are so fleeting but hey, I am far from an expert!

I would wonder, however, if the activities being engaged in during these overnights is what is causing the upset the next day. Are you comfortable with the supervision? Is is possible they are sneaking out at night(how did they do the club?)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 1:28pm
I'm with you windrush, about not being too worried about 18 y/o guys going to a strip club. While it's not something I approve of, it is a fairly common thing for 18 y/o guys to do for their bdays... kind of like the 21 y/o "first legal beer" ritual. However, I am concerned about the reaction this young man has afterwards - and thinking the only way he can get a girl to pay attention to him is if he pays her. Depression could definitely be the issue, as is low self-esteem. Maybe a visit to the family doctor is in order? A short treatment with an anti-depressant can do a world of good.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:08pm

Your son may also be feeling a little confused. A strip club is of course a highly sexualized environment and depending on how much social experience your son has had he may be confusing lust with more deeper feelings. He also is likely not very experienced with the type of girl who works at a strip club. I know that there are lots of girls who are exotic dancers who are just making a living but there could be that element of girl who might manipulate a young man and if your son has been misrepresenting himself to make himself look "cool" this girl might have the wrong impression about what she could get out of him.

There's nothing particularly *wrong* about going to a strip joint but if a young man doesn't understand about how this is all fantasy and these women are paid to pay attention to them, they could get very very confused.

Try the therapy stuff but honestly your son probably just needs to get out and meet more girls. Its hard to meet young women but if he went to dances and other social functions or maybe joined some sort of club in which he might find someone who has similar interests he might get exposed to more girls who are willing to spend time with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:05am

Keep on the Depression treatment it's serious and important... But why is he so down, if he likes this girl, is seeing her and talking to her online??? That would worry me!

Have you thought about contacting the strip club??? I ask because I work at a bank and an owner of a strip club comes in everyday and he is the nicest person, and I believe
he'd respond in your favor...

Pretty sure it's preferred that the girls don't socialize with the customers.

On the other hand at 18 there is only so much you can do, be there and be supportive,
it's hard to let go and let them be adults, I have a 21 yr. dd and I'm still learning.

Lori