Teen Breakups - what to do??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Teen Breakups - what to do??
12
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:25pm

My son (a senior) just got dumped by his GF of 1.5 years ( a junior). She is now dating someone on his soccer team. BUT, she keeps calling him, telling him she loves him still, but sh'e just mixed up - stringing him along. My DH and I keep up the encouragement, and 'showing we care' without being too noisy, but he's really hurting, and she won't stop with the text messages. Should I call her and tell her to stop - should I talk to her parents - who I see around sometimes to talk to her.

She's a nice enough girl, but she IS 16, and looking at son doing college visits, and getting ready to leave in a year or so. He's really hurting, and this has now been going on for a week.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 10:45am

It's pretty rough watching your kids hurt, isn't it? I don't think there is much you can do or say, outside of what you're already doing and saying at this point to help ease your son's pain.

I don't think talking to the girls' parents is a great idea. Let your DS sort this out on his own. A week isn't all that long, really. If it was a month or so after the breakup, and she's still hanging on, that's a bit different. He'll eventually get tired of the emotional roller coast this girl is putting him on and cut if off himself. Well, I hope so anyway. If after month or so goes by and this is still going on, I think then it would be okay for you to mention to your DS that he might want to consider refusing her calls, etc., so he can move on.

Sorry you're going through this!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 12:53pm

BTDT, twice with the same son in 2 years, he's now married to the girl and they're deliriously happy - or as happy as a newlywed couple can be when the USMC decided to separate them for 7 months less than a year after they're married.


Stay out of it, other than being supportive of your DS.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 2:14pm
I agree with the others.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 2:44pm

Thanks for the advice - my DH also thinks it's best to concentrate on being supportive to DS, and not to overstep our bounds by giving advice to the gf - that's HER parents territory.

Thanks!!

PS she is still texting him, and he's still responding . . . but we're all hanging in there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 12:55pm
Relationships are HARD....at any age. Adults go through the same things don't they? They break up for what appear to be valid reasons, try new things and them sometimes reconcile. Sometimes they reconcile happily and that's a good thing. Sometimes they don't and they call it off for good. I know these aren't adults but its all the same thing -- they have to work it out for themselves. You never know everything that is going on in any relationship (even teenage relationships) and though you may naturally side with one person or the other, that's dangerous stuff. Its dangerous because if you haven't been there all the time, part of all the discussions and issues and are intimate with all the feelings -- you really can't judge. Trust your son to make the right decisions for him, even if they don't look right to you. He's going to make mistakes along the way but they are his mistakes to make and his lessons to learn.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:13pm

I just went through this on the DD side a few months ago. DD broke up with her b/f but kept calling him. She just wanted to date a few others before she left high school and joined him at college. She called him every single night to talk just like before. Girls tend to think that they can still maintain a friendship with the ex even after they've broken their hearts. I tried to explain to her that it just doesn't work that way. Maybe after some time apart they can become friends again but not when the hurt is fresh. She thought I was nuts. Anyway, after about two weeks of this, he put his foot down and told her either they got back together or she needed to get out of his life. They got back together.

I think maybe you should give it a few more days and see what happens. If this is still going on after a few weeks, talk to him and encourage him to not talk to her. He's old enough to make that call on his own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 6:23pm
Thanks for the advice. She's still calling! I will give it a couple more days and see what happens. His Sr. year starts tomorrow, so maybe with less time to stew about it . . .
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 11:23am

Best of luck to those with teenagers dating. I have a 17.8 year old who was/is dating a 16 year old girl. During their 3 months of dating my son has came to me on numerous occasion and talked to me about how she mitreats him. When my response is, "if your not happy,break up." Then he gets mad at me! The last straw was when she came to our home and verbally assulted him with demeaning slurs. I cracked! Now my son wants to move out because I blew up. I'm sorry,is part of my job not to protect my son.The effect this girl has had on my son's life- missing classes,dropping shifts at work and breaking curfew- has been noticable to all who know him. Currently they are friends but not dating anyone because they are still together. Could you please explain that one too me?????
My son hasn't finished high school. We have supported him through stealing from us, drugs, protecting him from drug dealers and manipulative lies that have had my husband and I shunned from our own neighborhood.
Any honest advise welcomed. I am at my wits end....but I love him.

I swear the hardest job in the world is being a lifetime parent!!!!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 11:53am

Sounds to me like you have a great deal of problems that I don't feel qualified to address, but I wanted to tell you a little about "mirroring". It's a technique that is talked about in a book on teens I'm reading right now. I think that sometimes when our teens come to us and tell us something like "she mistreats me" or something like that, they just want to be "heard". Mirroring means you'll say something like, "does that make you feel bad?" or "it sounds like you feel discouraged." I struggled with this constantly, in other words when my dd14 complains to me about PE class, I keep wanting to solve the problem for her. Each and every time she is not looking for that, frustrating as it might be to me! She winds up saying, "you are not helping." I keep forgetting, she just wants to be heard! Try it sometime.

This is usually a problem between men and women - women want to be heard, and men like to solve problems. But I've seen how it is also a parent-teen problem.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 1:43pm

Good advice - and mirroring (sometimes called validating) is one of my favorite counseling techniques when I'm on the job.

Pages