Teen caught lying

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2007
Teen caught lying
6
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 10:20am
Okay...I need help. We just discovered that our almost 13 year old has a "secret" MySpace which we had told her we did not want her to have. She has been lying to us is totally disrepectful just hateful to be around. I knew my kid wouldn't be perfect but I never expected this at this age. We caught her lying a couple of months ago and grounded her for what we thought was sufficient time. She is slowly starting to get things back and now this! I am at a loss to how to handle her! I feel like such a failure as a parent. I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open even when she is at her nastiest but I realize that we are very strict. It is so hard to be a parent when it is obvious when many of the other parents let their kids do whatever! She is a good kid but I feel like she is spiraling out of control fast! Any suggestions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 10:42am

First of all - you are not a failure...don't think that (I know it's easy to say, but you're not).

I don't believe in telling kids they "can't" have a myspace...because they can...pure and simple...as you've just found out.

Instead, my kids must keep me as friends, and my younger son must keep his myspace private (btw, myspace accounts are automatically private for anyone under 14). What is your objection to your daughter having a myspace?

What is she lying about? Not that I condone lying, but if she's lying about things that aren't really important, is she afraid of getting in trouble? Maybe if she knows that the truth, whatever it is, will be accepted, she'll be less likely to lie.

Is she lying about stupid things that wouldn't even get her into trouble? Then seek counseling - because that's the sign of something a little more troubling.

Or is she doing things that are inappropriate for a 13 year old girl and then lying about them? If that's the case, grounding or "house arrest," as we like to call it, will keep her from lying to you - and when she starts to regain your trust, let her know she's still going to be under your watchful eye.

Personally, I wonder why parents make such a big deal about myspace. It truly makes it more appealing to kids than it is...I'm much more concerned about facebook, where there are no restrictions to age on an account.

Big thing to remember - control what you can control, but don't "pretend" to control what you can't (i.e., you CAN'T control whether or not your child has a myspace - you CAN control whether or not she uses your computer to access it).

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2007
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 12:58pm

Thanks for the input. I guess I really don't know why we have an objection to Myspace except all of the horror stories that we hear. We just don't know anything about it and assumed that because we said no MySpace until she was older that she would listen. I am more upset at the behind our back things that she has been doing. She recently got kicked out of the movies and was "roaming" around as she is not suppose to do. Again...not the fact she got kicked out of the movies but she never told us. I was told by another Mom a week later! I just feel like we take 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. She is only 12 1/2!! I feel like what is going to happen when she turns 15++! My husband and I realize that we need to lighten up but it is really hard to "want" to give her any privileges when we feel like she abuses them! I think that I am going to get an outside person involved so that we can all discuss our issues without the screaming.

Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 2:01pm

I think getting an outside person involved is a good idea. A family therapist will act as a sort of mediator and help you and your daughter come to some sort of compromises about things such as myspace.

I would also suggest a little more supervision. For instance, if you were dropping off at the movies and picking up immediately after, her getting thrown out would have been known to you (I'm assuming this is a group outing with other kids). Until she shows you that she can tell you the truth, I would suggest not allowing her to go anywhere unless you are able to transport her both ways...or, once she starts earning back some of her "freedom," randomly check up on her. The idea that she's going to get "caught" anyway may motivate her to tell the truth.

The problem with most lying kids (and my DS18 is a pro at it!) is that they RARELY realize when they're telling the lie that the lie itself is goigng to get them in FAR worse trouble than what they're lying about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Sat, 03-10-2007 - 2:17pm
We've all felt the same way at times - like somehow we've done something wrong in our parenting when our sweet little children turn into these alien creatures called teens!
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 5:26pm

I am of the school that we need to learn to chose our battles. Some things might not be my preference but they're not worth fighting over (hair, for example). Others are non-negotiable (drinking). I think MySpace is not worth fighting over.

My 15 yr old DD has a MySpace. Have your D go to her MySpace with you. Make sure her Privacy Settings are set to "Private", this means only people she has approved as "friends" can actually see the space. Also make sure she does not include any obviously identifying info - last name, school name, hometown (my daughter's MySpace says she lives in Wyoming - we're on the East Coast. Her real friends know where she is!) Next, make your D set you up your own Myspace, and have her add you as a "friend" on her space. This will allow you to view her myspace at any time and see not only what she's written but the comments her friends have written. My D set up my space where my name is just a Heart symbol. The only thing on my Myspace is her picture as my friend, and my Myspace is also set to "Private." Now, I log into my Myspace, click on D's picture, and view her profile whenever I want. If I see something I object to, she has to take it off or the whole site comes down.

Sit down and have a talk with D. Decide which things you can live with, and which are non-negotiable. Try to limit the non-negotiables to things that are really dangerous (drinking, not being where she said she'd be, maybe sex, etc). Discuss what the consequences will be.

If you crack down too hard on the small stuff, she's just going to rebel and do something you REALLY don't want her to do. Try to stay out of a power struggle - that's my biggest weakness.

In my book the most important thing we can do is keep lines of communication open with our teens. I may have just blown that myself recently, and I'm kicking myself for it. I was suspicious about D and her BF (also 15), so I got some spyware and was reading her Instant Messages. Well, I didn't think about what I would do if I actually saw something that needed to be addressed. Last weekend I saw something, but to talk to her about it I had to admit how I found out. She was furious. I knew she would be mad that I invaded her privacy, but I thought it was justified. I didn't think about the fact that I also invaded BF's privacy. He's having some issues with depression, and now he's mortified that I found out, and feels betrayed that what he thought was a private conversation with D was being read by me. I feel awful. I'm not sure confronting D on the issue in question was worth the lack of trust that she now feels toward me.

Moral of the story: CHOOSE your battles, and think about the consequences of your actions on your relationship with your D.

Much luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 6:40pm
If I were you, I wouldn't make this about the myspace page. But the lying would be a huge, big fat hairy deal. I will not tolerate that. Everytime DD lied to me, she was given a major chore for each time she told that lie. When DD was 15, we had the cleanest windows and garage around. She finally got tired of washing windows and cleaning the garage and learned it was a whole lot easier to just fess up. She's 18 now and I can't even get her to wash the windows by paying her. That's okay though! Everytime I look out my hazy windows I am very proud of my DD!!