teen cursing,flip manner, ingratitude

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
teen cursing,flip manner, ingratitude
13
Sat, 09-01-2007 - 11:58pm

I guess I'm in a questioning mood tonight. But my 13 year old said hell casually at the dinner table. I try to not make a big fuss out of phrases like--that sucks or that freaking (which she rarely ever said). They also say pissed and pee. I say go to the ladies room. I don't talk this way. It's crude in my opinion.

My 13 yr old is a really good kid--high honor roll, kind to the disabled, caring about holcaust victims (she wrote a poem and won a contest on this and we are not Jewish and have never discussed it). She is not in to boys, drugs, drinking or smoking. But she is flippant and uses vulgar words that I mentioned above. Basically, it's pissed, that sucks, and now hell. Freaking is a rariety!!!! I've never heard anything else. She did say I am not going to take any crap from anyone. This chip I think she picked up from a woman who works for me who is extremely capable but has too tough of a personality, too rough, with a chip on her shoulder. She uses vinegar instead of honey and I'll always saying to my 13 yr old--dip your head in the honey pot. She used to look up to me

Now, I feel like enemy number one. Either I am really a terrible person--although I try constantly to be nice and understanding to them. But I feel my 13 yr old mostly and my 15 yr old dd blame me for all. Their father lets them do anything. He's just hands off. The counselor said I am the single parent. My kids will say dad pays the bills not you. You're the one that calls the shots so we're asking you because you're the one
who really decides. I'm the one paying attention. They blame everything on me. They doin't appreciate a thing I do for them. I feel like the odd kid out trying to fit in with my own kids --I really don't feel relaxed as I do with good friends and my extended family from birth who adores me. I don't really feel loved by my dds. I'm committed to them, would give my life for them and will always be here for them. But while a friend would appreciate devotion. My kids never think I do anything nice for them. If I down load two hundred dresses becuz my daughter needs a dress for a party--she won't thank me or say oh that's nice. Instead, she'll shrug I don't like any of those or I saw them all. Oh, my goodness--what did you did.

But getting back to the cursing. I want to hear what's realy going down with my kids so I give them latitude to talk the way they feel in front of me to a point--otherwise I won't know how they really talk behind my back.. I tell them it isn't right and they shouldn't do it. But if I don't let them pop out their natural thoughts I am going to get a phony picture. So, I chastise them and explain why they shouldn't do it, but I don't ground them for saying hell or something sucks or I have to pee, although I tell them that is vulgar. Anyway, do any of your kids talk this way. Do you feel unappreciated? Do you feel your kids look up to you? thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 1:16pm

"but for what it REALLY means."

Ya....and he lives his life this way :) His first wife cheated on him....said it's the worst thing that anyone could go through.

I love so many things that the Military gave to my husband. He also wouldn't trade his time "in" for anything in the world. He went to the Marine Military Academy in Harlingen TX for a yr of prep after highschool and then to the Naval Academy for 4 yrs and then 5 yrs active duty and then 2 yrs reserve. He almost got called back during the first gulf war and was calling the reserve units daily begging to go back. The war ended about two days before he would have been called. We were just married about 10 months when that happened and I was 8 months pregnant with DS #1, so I wasn't too sad that it didn't happen. Oh well.....Gotta love those in the Service to our country!

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sun, 09-02-2007 - 10:08pm

I think we do need to let them know that vulgar language is unacceptable. I prefer that my DSs and DH don't use it at all, but of course they do anyway. Knowing how much I hate it, all three of them will sometimes start it, jokingly, just to annoy me, and I leave the house--the joys of being the only female! (I have to admit that I let a word slip out of my mouth on occasion, maybe 5 times a year.) When it got to be excessive with just DS18 and me at home, I charged DS $1.00 each time he swore, and that was sometimes $5 per day. But it never lasted long when I did that. It seemed that when he hung around certain friends, I'd hear more swear words coming from his mouth.

I'd prefer that they not make it a practice anytime, even when they're hanging out with only the guys. It's too easy for it to then become automatic.

The flippant attitudes and ingratitude were definitely there with my DSs,too. I always showed my disapproval, often by saying, "I don't have to listen to that" as I walked away. Be assured, they DO outgrow it eventually.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Mon, 09-03-2007 - 12:34am

Thanks for your response. That's what I like about this board. I don't want to tell my friends who are parents of my dd's friend that my dd uses these words. But it's nice to know I'm not alone. I thought I had raised a drunken sailorLOL Yes, I am going to tell her it's easy to fall in to the habit of bring a pottymouth--that's not a cool term that I think anyone aspires to. I told her we tried to prove we are cool and grown up and fearless by flirting with swear words like the b word, etc. But you realize it;s just a cheap habit that makes you sound yucky...and that you don't have a smart vocabulary...I can't stand it when comedians say the f word in their acts becuz they feel it's funny...duh...yuck again

As for the flippancy, I say, stick your head in the honeypot...and she says I hate that expression and I say I hate when you don't speak nicely...thru out life you always have a choice to say something in a a not so sweet way (like vinegar) or in a nice way--and you draw a lot more flies with sweets...etc.

The ingratitude part tho you seem to have down a whole lot better. My daughter really doesn;t appreciate anything I do for her. The 13 yr old used to be a real mother;s girl--a big cheerleader and an apple of my old eye..

Now, she looks at me with a critical one...I wonder can she be seeing more clearly now? Am I really so bad as she seems to think I am--paranoid, overprotective are a few of her favorite criticisms...

She runs hot and icy..one minute totally bored with a story about her Christening

The next knocking at my door asking me to tell her every detail of my wedding...

But because I have to hire people to do things for me around the house and baby sitters due to a health problem altho I work, she seems to feel the people I pay to do this would do this for nothing for her.

But even any acclaim I've gotten for my work, she puts down...I was signing some papers and she thought I was sending autographs becuz I work in the arts..and I said can you help me with these papers--they were for her benefit--and she said you're the famous one--which I;m not...but it was like she just wanted to say something critical.

She's a great kid to the outside world and at home--she's not into drinking, sex, smoking, etc. and gets top grades but boy is she chomping at the bit to be independent...Sometime I think she feels I'm holding her back--other times I wonder why she;s so critical...Yet, when she goes away to camp she calls me constantly..then says can you believe I was so bored in camp--which is very busy--I actually called my mom daily...Oh well, I'm blessed she's not really in trouble..Thanks so much for sharing.

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