Teen Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Teen Dating
9
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 11:37am
Hi-
My 16yr old is just starting the whole boyfriend thing. I know Im lucky she's a late starter. Anyway, the problem is the boy. He's 2 yr's ahead in school, drives, much more experienced and NO personality what-so-ever!. My husband and I don't like anything about him. How can we point her in another direction. She is beautiful and sweet, very young minded. We want her to date, really, we just want him to be on her level. Please help.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
In reply to: terry2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:04pm

I agree it's scary for a 16 y.o. girl to be dating an older guy (I have a niece I'm close to, no daughters of my own.)

But could you give us more specifics as to why you and your DH don't like "anything" about him?

I can only imagine the impression my DS-17 gives to parents when he meets them. Mostly, he's not trying to be rude or anything, he just gets shy and doesn't have anything to say but one syllable answers. Which is strange in a way, cause in other situations he won't shut up!

My parents would try to stop me from dating anyone in high school they didn't think were on my level, whether intellectually, socially or financial. Even into my late 20's, when I was within months of having a doctorate degree. (yes, for those who find that hard to believe, lol)

They spent so much time trying to control me that I backed out of trying to accomplish everything they'd dreamed of for me. I quit school to get away from being controlled. Honestly, I think if they'd just stayed out of it, I would have dropped many of those losers alot quicker. And also, a few of their definition of "losers" are now successful men with great families of their own.

I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm just unsure of what the problems are with this kid.
They may be many... but I still feel if you push her into not seeing him it will only backfire.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
In reply to: terry2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:15pm

I am thinking along the same lines at catsmack. My DS (though many years younger) seems absolutely void of personality upon first meeting -- probably up until 10-12th meeting even. He has had the same best bud since 1st grade and has spent many hours with this friends' family -- and rarely says a word around them, I'm told. The truth is, he is quite shy and reserved and yes, prone to one-word answers or grunted replied. He's let his hair grown out quite long, rarely smiles anymore and has adopted a rather round-shouldered and slumped over posture. I can easily see how he would not make a very good first impression. But once he is comfortable with you and you get to know him, you'll find he is very, very bright,q uite charming and has a very keen, wicked sense of humor.

Try to find something positive about your DD's bf. He's got to have at least one redeeming quality, you may just have to look a bit to find it. Concentrate on that for a while and you might find he grows on you.

Also in agreement with catsmack, I wouldn't forbid the relationship. Your DD is more inclined to find him even more appealing. Also, keep in mind, people rarely marry their first boyfriends (or girlfriends).

hth




Edited 1/5/2007 12:24 pm ET by hydrangea_blue

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: terry2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:44pm

Hi and welcome to the board!

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: terry2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 12:54pm

Unless this young man is endangering her with drugs, alcohol, or drag racing....it simply isn't your call!

That's often hard to swallow but it grows on you ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
In reply to: terry2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 2:49pm
Thanks for responding. The subject of the boy. I sure I'm judging him too harshly. He just is not the person I imagined my daughter liking. He looks awful pants down around his knees, muddly dirty shoes, dental cleaniness issues. He doesn't even say Hi when entering my house. Seems to me that someone who behaves like that has big issues. Something to hide - low self esteem. Just all in all not even a little close to what we hoped for. I'd truly be embarssed to intoduce him to our family/friends. I actually got out her yearbook with her and together (laughingly)we noted who was cute etc... Im embarassed at my critcal, judgemental behavior. I just want to stay close with her and share in her teen experiences. I can't even fake a smile about this boy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: terry2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:03pm

Do I need to say it? Welcome to the world of parenting a teen! This will likely not be the last guy she brings over you dislike for one reason or another. If the only thing you don't like is that he needs a makeover and he seems a bit taciturn, thank your lucky stars!!!

Your daughter chose to be with him. If you trust her and have remained close to her you should trust that she either (a) chose well for herself or (b) didn't and will deal with it appropriately when the time comes.

My 15 yo is not yet dating. She seems to have good judgement and taste and I guess when the time comes I will have to keep reminding myself of that fact. When I was a teen my parents hated the boy who eventually became my H five years later. Although our marriage didn't turn out to be hearts and flowers, it was a very very rewarding relationship for alot of years and I can't say that my parents were right to dislike him at the time. I will say that their dislike and distrust didn't exactly inspire me to dump him...in fact it did quite the opposite.

So, stay close, take it easy and don't be too quick to judge the young man. There may be more there than meets the eye and if not, well, just let your dd know that you will always be on HER side...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
In reply to: terry2007
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:37pm

Oh, don't be embarassed over being judgemental. We all do it, whether we admit it or not.

The awful pants, muddy shoes and occasional dental cleanliness describes my son.... When he first dyed his hair and pierced both ears and painted his fingernails black (while at an expensive summer camp)... I was somewhat embarassed for my redneck cattle family to see him, lol. As far as not saying "hi" when he enters your house, I dunno. Others tell me DS-17 is polite, but I can so easily see him slinking in somewhere and not saying anything. I'm not sure that he has a self-esteem issue, since he sure seems to think alot of himself when he's around me. But it wouldn't surprise me to find out that alot of teens suffer from low self-esteem.

I totally understand you wanting to stay close to your daughter during these years. And I was wondering... have you guys sat down and had a conversation with both of them? Just like hanging out watching a movie or something? I believe that all kids have at least one worthy attribute (even juvenile deliquents, maybe even especially those). Maybe you can find his. What does your daughter say? Has she told you what she sees in him?

I'm looking forward to your answer!

Good luck,
zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: terry2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:59pm

I know it's hard, but paste a pretty smile on and welcome him into your home if your DD wants to date him. Dental nastiness is gross, but DD is the one kissing him and if she can look past it, let it go. The other grooming issues are all too common with guys that age... and your DD might just be used to it.

Be thankful that's all that's wrong with him - my DD is seeing a nightmare of a 16 y/o boy - in most parent's eyes anyway. T is very sexually experienced (has a child out there somewhere), has used drugs & alcohol, is a nightmare when it comes to school issues, has shaggy hair and grubby clothes. HOWEVER, he treats her like a princess, they have a lot of fun together, he's willing to respect the boundaries she's established with regard to sex, he's polite and respectful whenever he's at our home, and she says he's the best friend she's had in a long time. Yes, he has issues that we keep an eye on, but N has a strong sense of what she wants out of her life and where she wants to go, and she says she's not changing that for any boy, not even T. If I told N she couldn't see T anymore because of his issues, I honestly think she'd sneek around to see him. If his issues start interfering with where she wants to go, I'm fairly certain she'll be rid of him.

I don't think my DSs make that great of an impression initially either... but grandma always said "you can't judge a book by it's cover" and I try to apply that to the kids friends, romantic or not.
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: terry2007
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 10:50pm

When my sister was a teenager she wore her hair in the most gravity defying spiked hairstyles possible. Her hair was often asymettrical with coloured strands coming out of all sorts of places. Her ears were pierced and she wore two different earring lengths at the same time. I only saw her wear a dress ONCE -- at her sr prom. She was also very quiet and sarcastic and liked her solitude choosing to stay in her room more often than not. There was alot of chatter around how she looked and dressed as a teen. But now, as an adult, although she is admittedly still a very "artsy" dresser, she is a very successful art director who has won awards for her advertising programs, owns a beautiful home and has a wide circle of very good friends.

All I'm saying is that you have to get to know the person inside. There's so much more to a person than how they dress and often those seemingly "different" types are those who end up brave enough and secure enough in themselves to become very successful adults...