Teen daughter says she is ashamed of me

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Teen daughter says she is ashamed of me
9
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 9:26pm
My teen daughter says she so doesn't want to be like me because I smoke. I have tried to quit numerous times with little success. I feel so ashamed that she says these things. Of course I don't want her to smoke EVER and I am glad that she is not thinking of taking up this nasty habit. I do feel sad and ashamed that she keeps saying over and over how she doesn't want to be like me. Is this normal for a 15 year old to "not want to be like mom?" I am successful in my career and I think a very good and responsible mother. I have a bad habit.... Any similar stories/advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:36pm

I believe it is quite common for teenagers to feel embarrassed by us old folks. I witnessed something today while waiting for my DD to finish up her 10th grade orientation that actually made me laugh out loud and smile sympathetically at one of the moms on campus.

I was sitting in my car reading a book when a male student walked across the parking lot towards the gym, with his mother trailing behind him. He said something like "You don't have to go with me mom. Why don't you just wait in the car?" To which mom replied, "Why can't I just go with you? I want to hear what she has to say." I laughed at that point because my 12yo DS does the same thing with me already.

Later, I walked up to the gym to use the restroom and the mom was sitting outside the gym on a bench. It would appear that her DS wouldn't let her go with him to talk to his coach.

Anyway ... we all have said at one point or another that we would never be like our own parents when we were parents ourselves. BUT, as someone wisely told me, "We don't make the same mistakes our parents make, we just make different ones."

Have you considered trying to quit smoking? Not just because your DD doesn't like it, but for your own health. You are certainly aware of the health risks involved in the habit and you yourself say it is nasty. My parents smoked for eons, and tried every gimmick imaginable to quit. They were finally successful with accupuncture and haven't smoked in about 25 years now.

Sorry I don't have much more in the way of advice to offer you; just some sympathy hugs. Perhaps someone else will have something better.

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:09am
I did exactly the same thing to my mom for exactly the same reason, I'm ashamed to admit. At first it was because her smoking was embarassing ME - my friends would comment that my hair and clothes stunk, and that they didn't want to come to my house because of the smell. Later it was because I was concerned about her health - and hoped that I could "shame" her into quitting. Sadly, she never did - and I stopped being so immature about it. But when my first baby was born, I did tell my mom that I would NEVER expose her to smoke, and therefore would not visit in mom's home, etc. So she really DID try to quit - but she never could. Not even after cancer, a heart attack and a stroke. In the last few years of her life, she pretended that she'd quit smoking, but she was still sneaking it. She passed at age 56 and I miss her every day. I wish I hadn't treated her so badly when I was a teen - but I DO wish she had quit smoking!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:36am

It's hard to hear that from your daughter, but I do think it's somewhat normal for teens to go through a phase where they're looking for distance from their parents. If it were me, I'd tell my daughter how it makes me feel, but then I'd try to put it behind me. She'll eventually grow past this feeling and be a young adult who loves to be with you.

Can you enlist her help in stopping smoking or in cutting down?

I agree with Julie that if you look around, you'll see lots of examples of kids trying to put some distance between them and their parents, and parents trying to stay closer LOLOL

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:48am

I agree with everyone. All teenagers have said at one point "mom I don't want you there". I know my 18 year old has and we are very close. They all think something about us is just not cool.

It would be great if you could try to cut back or quit. I know that it is a strong addiction and I am not trying to preach. I did it with the nicotine patches. You will feel better.

I know all of this is easier said than done. Just take a deep breath and say, I can do this. As for your daughter, maybe tell her you won't smoke around her friends. Might help!

Good luck

Andie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 10:55am

Thank you everyone for your replies. I have quit numerous times and maybe this is just what I need to make the commitment to stop for good. I don't smoke in the house or around her friends. You might call me a "closet smoker." I have been worried that my kids will take up smoking because I am setting that example but hopefully it will be just the opposite. One thing that does make me laugh though is that she said she will never be as strict as I am when she is a parent. Which one of us had never thought that about their moms? HA! Plus, I will laugh again when she has a 14 year old daughter!

Another thing that has been bothering me over the summer is not just that my little girl is seeking her independence, it is that she has her first "serious" boyfriend. The kid seems nice enough but he seems so bold. He holds her hand all the time and "hangs on her" in public. I have arranged so they are not allowed to be alone but I know with teens "when there is a will, there is a way." So I just bit the bullet and had the old conversation wit her about setting boundaries. I also gave her the girl power speech telling her that girls control these situations and how boys/men try to go as far as they can with a girl. We seemed both relieved to get that out in the open. Hopefully my speech worked for her. She is almost 15 and going into 9th grade. tough year. I told her I don't want to take her fun from her, I only want her to be safe and happy.

Great to find a msg board on teen parenting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:26pm

Of course it's normal. She wouldn't be normal if she said she wanted to be just like mom. At 15, they are trying to become their own person and they can't do that if they mimic mom, no matter how wonderful mom is. My mom smoked and quit cold turkey when I was 15 - that is definitely a trait that she wouldn't have me to pick up and b/c of her I've never even taken a puff of anything.

Next time she says that simply say I'm so glad I've raised you to be smarter than I about some things. We're doing a pretty good job! Let it go at that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 08-27-2006 - 9:10am

If it weren't the smoking issue, it would be something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-07-2005
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:15pm

<<>>

That's very interesting. Do your parents really give credit to acupuncture, or maybe to their own real desire to quit?

I want to quit. That's why I'm asking.

zz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Mon, 08-28-2006 - 1:43pm

They give total credit to the accupuncture. They tried numerous things beforehand -- those filters that were supposed to gradually wean them of their nicotine addiction, chewing gums and hypnosis are just a few I remember. I do recall that even after the accupuncture, my mother saying she still thought cigarettes 'smelled good' when someone else was smoking but that she didn't feel she wanted to grab it up and take a puff. They were SERIOUS smokers, btw. My dad even took a ciggie into the shower and balanced it on top of the shower door so he could smoke while he shampooed.

There could very well be something to it being the last shot/attempt at quitting for good and their mind sets and desire to really quit at that point. It was probably a combination of factors by then. I know I will try for months to cut down on my food intake to lose some weight, but it isn't until I get my mind wrapped around it that I am actually able to do that. Pictures of me on our last vacation helped did it this time -- lol!

Anyway, it is certainly worth a try if you've tried most other ways of quitting. Let me know if you try it, and how it works!