teen dd don't want mom along

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
teen dd don't want mom along
13
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:57am

My two dds (13 and almost 15) seem not to want me with them. The almost 15 yr old was going to start field hockey at her new high school. It meant everything to her because it was a way to meet kids for the new kid in the school. Well, we go to great lengths to move up early so she can do this summer practice and the school mistakenly didn't have her medical approval form. My dd texted me to send the new oman I hired to come get her--she had to go home. I call the dean, headmaster, athletic director--pull out all stops to get her to play, as she had been counting on it. I text her back that I'm bringing up a copy of the required form so she'll be able to stay. She said you're not bringing it are you! Being laid up, I have a woman help me. When we brought the paper and gave it to the coach, my dd didn't acknowledge us. She's had a rough adolescence becuz. of acne/weight problems that were very hurtful to her. So, I'm grateful she's hanging in there and don't want to come down hard on her now especially since we moved and she is new. I asked if she minded if we--the woman and I were up at her school--and she said yes.

On Saturday all the parents were supposed to go an athletic get-together and watch all the kids play and meet the coaches and each other. I was looking forward to it. I want to become active these last 4 yrs of school for her. I became friendly with a lot of the other moms in her old school and it helped her social life. So, she comes home on Friday and says she doesn't want to play in front of the other parents--can we skip this together. I asked her if she was ashamed of me? I said I understood if she was --I sometime wished my mom would disappear when I was a teen. She smiled. I told her I knew I was older, overweight and worse had a disability. I need surgery on my leg and can't put weight down on my foot. She said no--she just didn't want to play in front of new parents. I think that's very strange. She played in front of parents at her old school, but she said she knew them for years. Also, I knew she was eager to go back to our old home for the weekend to visit friends. She said two other girls were taking off from the get together at her new school. I said, look I know my deficiencies, but I can make friends with a wall. I reminded her how much this helped her in our old school,as I became friendly with many mothers. She really didn't want to go though. She had tears in her eyes. I let her skip the day--and us too, of course. I admire her for picking herself up from being shunned at the old school when she got acne and gained some weight and plunging in at the new, huge school by herself.At least at home she had two best friends. Anyway, that was that. We had a talk and I said I was going to be active as a parent at the school--thse were tough years and I wanted to help her all I could. We had a good talk about drinking, drugs, smoking, sex--all the issues facing her. She's fairly open with me and ill talk to me, altho she likes to keep some things private with her best friends.

This week she has to go to a spa in NYC to get an anti-acne facial ordered by her derm and a friend is going with her. I went with her twice before with another woman who helps me out since I'm not able to go on my own. Both she and her friend told me they didn't want me to go with them. I wasn't going anyway. But still...Last time I went with them, I scolded them for running off ahead of us in the hotel we went to where there is a great restaurant. The younger woman with us said we should have gotten them a separate table. My dd said she would have liked that--she didn't mind if he younger woman sat with them. But I know the dd and her friend would have preferred if I and an older woman with me were at a different table. They were nice. Still, I knew.

Another time we were going somewhere and I was going to sit in the backseat with her--and she said I probably wouldn't be comfortable there. I sat there anyway and she was fine, but I don't think she wanted me. She just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Otherwise, she's nice to me and when they have friends over they always barge in my room and plead with me to play games with them and talk to me, etc. Her friends hug me, etc.

I don't know if it's the weight, my age, or the limp from the torn cartilage in my leg or my limited ability to walk in general becuz. of my muscle disorder (which doesn't show but limits me). I don't know if it's because I've needed babysitters over the years because of my health problem. So, she is used to someone else---much moe mobile then I as because of the muscle disorder-- going with her.

We were going away to a house we still have at the shore last week end--and we were going to send her and her sister and have a friend stay at the summer home. Traveling a lot is hard on me. When she and her sister found out my dh and I had changed our minds and didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a dear old family friend sleeping over with them, they were upset that we were going along. But then later that night, she broke away from the crowd and came watch a movie with me, etc. And then her friends piled in my room for another movie in my room, etc.

Still I feel she is ashamed of me and does not want to be seen with me. Naturally, I feel hurt. She used to be ashamed of our car--because it is old-fashioned when we picked her up at school. Appearances are all in our old town. I scolded her at first. But to be honest when I think of the hell and shunning she has gone through her the minute she got acne in sixth grade and put some weight on her, it's a wonder she withstood it, according to the teachers! The cliqueish and mean girl stuff was terrible in her old, very snobbish school.. I then agreed we would compromise and get a car she doesn't feel weird in.(We haven't done it yet, but we need a new car.) She doesn't have the confidence to say to heck with what the other kids think, as I did as a teen. I was popular in my farm-town school and had a large extended family of cousins, etc. for emotional support. She doesn't have this--and her school was snobbish. If you didn't look like you stepped out of Town and Country, you were shunned. I was well-liked by the other moms at the old school, had a lot of friends there who we spent Christmas, holidays and other week ends with. So, it's not as though we didn't fit in. Actually, after the acne hit, the moms would be nice to me even tho their daughters didn't want to be seen with anyone with acne, as the boys gave thumbs down reportedly to girls with acne and anyone seen with them. But my friends would still do me favors and invite her or pick her up, even tho their daughters didn't want to be seen with her! She is a sweet, nice, kind girl. So, it was so sad seeing her treated this way. Also, she had been very popular with these same kids until the acne struck. Many moms took their kids out of this private school because of this. I reret I didn't do the same!!! But that's over now.
I want her to fit in so I give in. I wanted to know if anybody else ever had this problem. I know my physical situation is unusual. I look normal--tho overweight. But I can't walk far. I have to use a wheel chair in the airport. They are used to that though--and have alway taken turns riding on my lap. I myself don't like to use a wheel chair otherwise. So, mostly, I just go places where I don't need one. They are used to for years having get togethers at our house with other families and one of their friends. They are fine about mixing with me to a large extent at home. Since they became teens though they don't like any parents at the party. We have to stay in another room and they party and dance in the back yard. My dds are good kids--no problems thank God so far with drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, etc. They would just rather go with someone other than me. I'm going to work on losing weight now that the stress of the past few years is over. I told her I was overweight when we started at her old school. The moms didn't really hold the weight against me because they knew I couldn't help it. It is true they are used to their friends hanging out in the house or backyard with me--but I can only go out once a week so they rarely had me go places with them. Still, this really has become more of a teenage thing. They even like to be alone in their rooms or alone with their friends in the rec room. They seem to want their independence and privacy. They hate that I don't let them do more on their own. They call me paranoid. But it makes me feel hurt.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:17am

I am so sorry for you that you are going through this. I also feel terrible for your DD. It seems to me with all that you said that your DD loves you very much and still wants to be with you if she is alone. That to me says that she is terribly torn by something. When you say that you were very good friends with others at your old home, I wonder if those friendships bothered your DD more than helped her. The only reason I say this is because I was close, very close to many of the parents when my boys were young. They changed schools in the 9th and 7th grade, and I felt a bit that they wanted me to "stay at bay" from their friends parents. I know from personal experience that there were times that ALL of the parents got too involved with the kids and I am sure that it bothered my boys. Now, I think we have struck a healthy ballance in that I have a casual relationship with the boys friends parents. enough to Know who they are with and that the parents and I are on the same page. The old relationships used to be talking on the phone a few times a week....which I think got to the boys.
My other thought is that you keep mentioning your weight? Are you talking 20 lbs, 50 lbs or 100 lbs overweight? If it on the higher side, then sadly I would believe yes, this can be very upsetting to teens. As wrong as it may seem, I have heard and seen that some kids really struggle with being embarrased with their overweight parents. My nephew finally admitted this to my sister in counceling. I know I haven't given you any advice, but thought I would share my thoughts. Good luck to you.

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:21am

I think teenagers often don't realize that we parents want to be accepted and loved for who we are too. We are human and we have weaknesses and issues as well; sometimes within our control and sometimes not. Teenagers are in this "half-way" world. They are beginning to be young adults but they are still children. And their immaturity prevents them from understanding our needs as parents and human beings. They take us for granted quite alot. They love us and yet push us away. Its part of growing up, I guess.

If it makes you feel any better, it doesn't matter if you are overweight and disabled or superthin and athletic -- the issues you are facing happen to all of us. My dd's friends often tell my dd that they think I am a "cool mom" because I am relatively young and fashionable and am comfortable speaking to them in ways they understand. However, despite that, my dd would prefer I not tag along with them. Last week a movie was playing that she and a friend were going to see. My younger son wanted to go too so we tagged along. Well when we got to the mall my dd and her friend shot ahead of us, taking off to the movie on their own, sat way on the other side of the theatre and barely acknowledged us!!!

But I didn't let it bother me because I know its just part of growing up and I went through that too.

As for yourself, I'm glad you are going to take steps to lose weight. I am overweight as well and started weightwatchers 8 weeks ago. I've lost 15 lbs so far and I feel great about it. Good luck to you and God bless!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 8:22am

Hugs to you... and hang in there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:11am

I think it would be next to impossible to sort out what of this is related to the move, the new school, your health and personal appearance, and just plain old teenager-ness.

Try not to take it upon yourself!

Is it possible she just doesnt want to be noticed? TO stand out?

Obviously, you showing up with a companion, struggling to walk is going to get noticed. And then everyone would wonder who you belonged to, etc. Forget the 'judgment' end of it-it may be irrelevant what anyone thinks of you-it may be that they would notice you and therefore notice her

I am not a limelight type person. I prefer behind the scenes and in the background. If you are not that type of person, you may not be recognizing or grasping that tendency in her

Obviously, Im reaching here but.... food for thought!

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 9:42am
I am so sorry that you are going through this right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 2:42pm

Sunnymom,

As a mom wearing very similar shoes these days, I could write volumes about my experiences! And now that I think of it, this is actually the 2nd major move our family has done. The last one being a move from Arizona to California when DD had just turned 7 and DS was 4.

So, where to start? First off, I'm sorry you're feelings are being hurt by your DD's, but I think you should look at this from a different perspective! Your DD's may or may not be embarrased by you and/or your disabilities. *Most* teens would rather die than call unnecessary attention to themselves and at this point in their lives, they are trying hard to fit in and become a part of a very new environment. (And unfortunately, your disability probably *does* call attention to them and it's attention they don't necessarily want.)

And you mom, having given them the confidence and self-assurance to make this new life without you! They're saying "mom, I feel good about this and I can do it! And I will do it and while I still need you and love you, this is something I want and need to do on my own!" You should be so proud! These are two young ladies who are maturing into young adults. I need to tell you a story about my DS...

End of last school year, just as we were heading out the door he told me there was something I needed to sign. He pulled it out of his backpack and tried to cover the contents up with his hand. Well, what adult is going to sign something without knowing what it is? So, I pushed his hand away to find a request for parent volunteers for the end-of-year picnic. He had already marked the "I am not available on this date" box!!!

Do you know what I did? I LAUGHED! I thought that was the funniest thing -- the greatest thing! All his school career, I had been on every field trip, helped with every class event, volunteered in the classroom .... you name it. The school knew I was one of the parents it could count on. But here he was, telling me NOT to be involved. It told me that this was *his* life, and he wanted to be free to be who he wanted to be without me watching him and that he was comfortable doing so. I am so okay with this I cannot tell you.

This same DS has refused to take the school bus any day of his life. Now? He rides the bus home every day (he still wants that extra few minutes of sleep so he gets a ride to school) but he wants to fit in, to look like all the other kids and especially to NOT look like a pampered, momma's boy. I don't take this as he is embarrassed by me or my car, but that he is taking charge of his own life and I think now is as good a time as any.

As far as the making friends for yourself thing goes .... take it slow and don't push it. When we moved from Arizona to California, I did all the things I thought were the *right* things to do to help the kids make friends, me make friends, establish relationships. I was a Girl Scout leader, volunteer at church, taught vacation Bible school, volunteered at the school, had end-of-year pool parties -- all of that.

While all of this DID help break the ice for my kids what it *mostly* did was let other moms know that *I* was okay and that their children were safe in my care. AS a result, I provided more free child care hours than I can ever count. But do you think the same parents who left their children in my care for a week when they went off to Hawaii, or for their anniversary, ever put me on the invite list for their bbq's or parties? Nope. I can count on one hand the number of social events we got invited to in the nearly 9 years we lived California.

My point is, Sunnymom, is that as adults, we can't depend on our childrens' relationships to help us form our own. We need to step away, let them be who they are while letting them know we are *still* available and *still* love them unconditionally. This is the time when we need to start filling our nests with activities and interests outside our children, because it will only be a matter of a few short years before the nest is truly empty.

Julie

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 3:56am
Thank you so much for your kind, thoughtful reply. Yes, that would be great to talk to you more! thanks!
Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 08-30-2007 - 7:58am
You are most welcome!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 11:00am

Hi Julie,

Thanks so much for your really helpful response. There are so many excellent points I want to take time and digest them one by one.

My dds started school orientation yesterday. They were so happy! Wow, I realised the old school--private and small and very homogeneous--was cliqueish and limited socially. But yesterday my dd who I felt guilty that I had taken out as she was entering 8th grade and thus would not graduate and be a "lifer" after 10 years there, came home beaming that she had more friends in the new school than she could ever imagine. It is still a private school--there is no public school in this town, as mostly singles and young couples live here and don't want to pay taxes for a good public school. However, it is bigger!!!! Yippee!!! There I think is a hundred in her grade. This gives her fifty girls to mix and pick from as far as friends go! That's a dream to us. Before I think there were 14 girls in her old school. She loves the increased social opportunities! When she left for school that morning she was nervous--she said her hands were not shaking as she said they did when she swam competitvely in the junior olympics. (I was glad to find out that athletic competition was making her nervous.) I never realised it because she is a born athelete and excels so easily.) Anyway, she called her best friend from the old school to touch base in the morning!. (A sign of nerves, homesickness?) I told her she could go back to the old school if she didn't like the new school. We still kept our old house there and have only rented here. Also, I had kept an opening with the director of admissions, who had written me a beautiful letter, saying how sad the school was not to have our family with them, etc., etc. Anyway, dd who is in eighth grade seems to love it here--the school anyway. I know she misses having a house with a backyard and a town where you can walk around!!! It's all she ever knew, and this complex is great for me and my husband and babies, but not kids who go to school. There are all highways here. Also, no teens or even tweens live in our 100 famuly complex--only little kids, as there is no good school system and it's not a good environment for anybody but preschoolers. There is not one person from their school here.

Anyway, she talked to me quite a bit all evening. When she said hell --which she knows I don't like--she quickly altered it. I can see alot of her freshness and flipancy over the past two years was due to the fact she didn't like the old school. She had told me in 6th grade if I didn't get out of there--that is--the old school--she would shut down and become a nervous perfectionist. It was very strict there and detention oriented for even forgetting a red pencil or a paper in your locker, which then led to suspension. So, all of the kids lived in fear. We couldn't move then though financially. Anyway, I asked her if she thought her sister was embarrased by me. She said nobody wants to be with their parents out of the home when they are teens. But that in her opinion it's not the disability or my weight, she said if anything, the thing that gets to her is I am overly friendly. I think she is right. I am. I chat with everybody--and I guess she would like me not to be so in your face. That's fine with me. It's a point well taken. She also opened up and wanted me to guess what friend from her old school was on pot all summer. She said she wouldn't tell me if I guessed right. But she kept pestering me to guess, which meant she wanted to get this off her chest. I did--and she said you are right. She also told me and made me swear to secrecy that another friend had taken photos of herself topless. I think thisis hard for my ddr to deal with her friends acting this way. Anyway, I was glad she felt free to talk about these things to me. Shes a great kid in terms of being on high honor role--the luck of the genes--, being repectful to teachers, winning the citizenship award and most valued player in sports. But she had been flip with me. That seems to be a changing with the switch to this new school--a decision I had left to her. So, things look good with her--except that we don't live in a nicer town for kids, with backyards and room to bike ride, etc. which she loves to do. She lived on her roller blades in her old town. In this one, it's designed for adults--but she'll be in school a lot.they also don't want to ride the school bus--the rumor is the kids that live in our town who go to her school are in to drugs. I don't know--it could b. Clearly, tghe parents who live in this town--which includes us--have put parental needs first, not the kids in terms of living. We are close to the ferry to go to work, but no good would elect to live here, they would choose the town the school is in or a neighboring town with backyards and streets to walk on...This is really cooped up for kids. At least in Nyc there are streets to walk on..here just highways and high rises mostly.

Ok, I don't want to make this a book--I know you are busy. But dd who is going to be 15 was happy too! She went a half a day. And then surprise, surprise, she brought a friend home from school on the first day. The friend hung out at our house for several hours--and then the woman who helps me drove them back at four o'clock for field hockey. The friend lived farther from school than us where there is room to roam and play. She and the friend hung and talked with me. I said--I'll let you guys alone to go up to the family room. (My husband and I gave up our master bedroom and turned it into a family room so they --the dds would have one place to hang with friends as our townhouse is so small. But they basically stayed in our formal living room with me and chatted about the boys and girls in their grade. My dd who is a freshmen was thrilled that kids saw her in a new light. They don't remember her from when her acne was at its worst--and when she wears an empire top--they don't see she has 20 pounds extra around her middle. She is a beautiful girl and my prayer for her is that she licks these two problems for her own social happiness.

Anyway, that went great. My computers were down and in my line of work from home that is a catastrophe work wise. So,I was with the computer guy until ten pm or later and then getting out business emails until 1 am. Anyway, today the whole ninth grade goes on a camping trip to bond and then they return to school at about five and all the parents of ninth graders meet there for a class barbeque. She asked that we don't have to go. The embarrassment factor strikes again?? I said quite honestly we had to--we couldn't bail. I did bail at her request for the meet the coach day which she didn't want her dad and me going to. But if it's required by the school, I can't keep giving excuses. So, I said we had to attend.

Then she knocked at my door--where I was really under the gun work wise--and said Mom is it ok if I go on the trip and don't participate. I said she had to. I really didn't talk about her feelings as I should have as I was under deadline with my work!! Guilt , guilt!. Anyway, after she was asleep and I was done work I felt maybe she didn't want to be rockclimibng and doing all this stuff she hates on the camping trip and that don't make her look attractive--in front of the boys because tank tops are revealing of extra pounds., etc. So, I was almost going to leave a note that she could not participate for allergies or something. The wise woman who drives them for me came in this morning and said she thought with all due respect I was making a mistake. I felt she was right. So, I ripped up the excuse me please note I had left on the kitchen table for my dd which my dd hadn't seen yet as I had written it at 1 a.m. when I finished my work.. I sat with the dds this morning before they left. I realize we didn't leave time for breakfast--gosh when you are trying to settle in balancing momhood, work, and volunteer activities which I'm very heavily involved with in nyc--is a balancing act. Anyway, she left this morning looking nice. Her dad and I will meet her at the school at five with the other parents. I will try not to embarrass her or call attention to her. I'm going to get there early so no one sees me limp, which has only started the past couple months becuz i tore the cartilage and need surgery on my knee. Usuallly my disability doesn't show--as long as I don't have to walk too far. Also, I'm going to be quieter and more in the background...

So, thanks for listening. I really enjoyed your stories about your ds!!! Gee, I hope this move goes great for you. Colorado is supposed to be pretty. I visited a friend in Colorado Springs long ago--it was so pretty. I also spent a summer in Arizona, nice but hot. And I've visited southern California--one of my best friends lives in LaJolla. Wow--the weather sounds like it's my style there. I'd love to hear how your kids are doing in the new school. Also, I believe you wrote me in a separate post about holding a get together--open house in your complex. That's a good idea. I'd love to hear how you make out. You sound like a really good mom and friends to others. I must say in my old town I didn't volunteer but I gave rides and babysat other kids, but the moms did pay me back and were always there to take my kids or help me. So, we were lucky in that regard. My best friend down home even wanted my dd 13 yr old to live with her if I wanted to finish 8th grade. But each community varies I suppose. Good luck and let us know how you are all doing--if you get time. I know settling in is really time consuming! Best, Sunny

P.S. I'm so sorry this is long and detailed!!! Wow, it remeinds me of people who live alone and don't have anyone to talk to and are so self absorbred they tell you every detail of your life for hours...and don't tealize how they are overdoing it. Ouch--I realize it. If I stop to edit it I'll never get it out. So, please feel free to skip the boring details. thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:15am

Thanks much for your insightful advice. Happily, we went to a parent/student barbecue at the school today that she hadn't wanted us to come to..

We arrived early. So, no one saw me limp in and I didn't sit front and center. We did however get friendly with a group of parents and our dd actually seemed to relish it! I think seeing us get along with her new classmates parents reassured her we would be accepted here, as we were in our old town.

One sticking point is our car which I'm going to write a post on. We have an old Cadillac. I use it because otherwise my muscles get inflamed and I got a fever from the vibration of the car in motion. The bigger the car, the less time I spent recuperating. My dds are embarrassed by the car. I didn't make it visible. We are going to try to get something that we all feel more comfotable with.

My dds seem to love the new school. The grade is large and there is much diversity. Our dds have talked to us more in the past week than they ever did at home. One daughter said my overfriendliness is something that she doesn't like. So, I think that's a fair observation. I am very extroverted and there is plenty of room to pull back.

We were thrilled though my older dd was so comfortable with us there. Thanks so much for your advice!

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