teen dd don't want mom along

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
teen dd don't want mom along
13
Wed, 08-29-2007 - 7:57am

My two dds (13 and almost 15) seem not to want me with them. The almost 15 yr old was going to start field hockey at her new high school. It meant everything to her because it was a way to meet kids for the new kid in the school. Well, we go to great lengths to move up early so she can do this summer practice and the school mistakenly didn't have her medical approval form. My dd texted me to send the new oman I hired to come get her--she had to go home. I call the dean, headmaster, athletic director--pull out all stops to get her to play, as she had been counting on it. I text her back that I'm bringing up a copy of the required form so she'll be able to stay. She said you're not bringing it are you! Being laid up, I have a woman help me. When we brought the paper and gave it to the coach, my dd didn't acknowledge us. She's had a rough adolescence becuz. of acne/weight problems that were very hurtful to her. So, I'm grateful she's hanging in there and don't want to come down hard on her now especially since we moved and she is new. I asked if she minded if we--the woman and I were up at her school--and she said yes.

On Saturday all the parents were supposed to go an athletic get-together and watch all the kids play and meet the coaches and each other. I was looking forward to it. I want to become active these last 4 yrs of school for her. I became friendly with a lot of the other moms in her old school and it helped her social life. So, she comes home on Friday and says she doesn't want to play in front of the other parents--can we skip this together. I asked her if she was ashamed of me? I said I understood if she was --I sometime wished my mom would disappear when I was a teen. She smiled. I told her I knew I was older, overweight and worse had a disability. I need surgery on my leg and can't put weight down on my foot. She said no--she just didn't want to play in front of new parents. I think that's very strange. She played in front of parents at her old school, but she said she knew them for years. Also, I knew she was eager to go back to our old home for the weekend to visit friends. She said two other girls were taking off from the get together at her new school. I said, look I know my deficiencies, but I can make friends with a wall. I reminded her how much this helped her in our old school,as I became friendly with many mothers. She really didn't want to go though. She had tears in her eyes. I let her skip the day--and us too, of course. I admire her for picking herself up from being shunned at the old school when she got acne and gained some weight and plunging in at the new, huge school by herself.At least at home she had two best friends. Anyway, that was that. We had a talk and I said I was going to be active as a parent at the school--thse were tough years and I wanted to help her all I could. We had a good talk about drinking, drugs, smoking, sex--all the issues facing her. She's fairly open with me and ill talk to me, altho she likes to keep some things private with her best friends.

This week she has to go to a spa in NYC to get an anti-acne facial ordered by her derm and a friend is going with her. I went with her twice before with another woman who helps me out since I'm not able to go on my own. Both she and her friend told me they didn't want me to go with them. I wasn't going anyway. But still...Last time I went with them, I scolded them for running off ahead of us in the hotel we went to where there is a great restaurant. The younger woman with us said we should have gotten them a separate table. My dd said she would have liked that--she didn't mind if he younger woman sat with them. But I know the dd and her friend would have preferred if I and an older woman with me were at a different table. They were nice. Still, I knew.

Another time we were going somewhere and I was going to sit in the backseat with her--and she said I probably wouldn't be comfortable there. I sat there anyway and she was fine, but I don't think she wanted me. She just didn't want to hurt my feelings. Otherwise, she's nice to me and when they have friends over they always barge in my room and plead with me to play games with them and talk to me, etc. Her friends hug me, etc.

I don't know if it's the weight, my age, or the limp from the torn cartilage in my leg or my limited ability to walk in general becuz. of my muscle disorder (which doesn't show but limits me). I don't know if it's because I've needed babysitters over the years because of my health problem. So, she is used to someone else---much moe mobile then I as because of the muscle disorder-- going with her.

We were going away to a house we still have at the shore last week end--and we were going to send her and her sister and have a friend stay at the summer home. Traveling a lot is hard on me. When she and her sister found out my dh and I had changed our minds and didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a dear old family friend sleeping over with them, they were upset that we were going along. But then later that night, she broke away from the crowd and came watch a movie with me, etc. And then her friends piled in my room for another movie in my room, etc.

Still I feel she is ashamed of me and does not want to be seen with me. Naturally, I feel hurt. She used to be ashamed of our car--because it is old-fashioned when we picked her up at school. Appearances are all in our old town. I scolded her at first. But to be honest when I think of the hell and shunning she has gone through her the minute she got acne in sixth grade and put some weight on her, it's a wonder she withstood it, according to the teachers! The cliqueish and mean girl stuff was terrible in her old, very snobbish school.. I then agreed we would compromise and get a car she doesn't feel weird in.(We haven't done it yet, but we need a new car.) She doesn't have the confidence to say to heck with what the other kids think, as I did as a teen. I was popular in my farm-town school and had a large extended family of cousins, etc. for emotional support. She doesn't have this--and her school was snobbish. If you didn't look like you stepped out of Town and Country, you were shunned. I was well-liked by the other moms at the old school, had a lot of friends there who we spent Christmas, holidays and other week ends with. So, it's not as though we didn't fit in. Actually, after the acne hit, the moms would be nice to me even tho their daughters didn't want to be seen with anyone with acne, as the boys gave thumbs down reportedly to girls with acne and anyone seen with them. But my friends would still do me favors and invite her or pick her up, even tho their daughters didn't want to be seen with her! She is a sweet, nice, kind girl. So, it was so sad seeing her treated this way. Also, she had been very popular with these same kids until the acne struck. Many moms took their kids out of this private school because of this. I reret I didn't do the same!!! But that's over now.
I want her to fit in so I give in. I wanted to know if anybody else ever had this problem. I know my physical situation is unusual. I look normal--tho overweight. But I can't walk far. I have to use a wheel chair in the airport. They are used to that though--and have alway taken turns riding on my lap. I myself don't like to use a wheel chair otherwise. So, mostly, I just go places where I don't need one. They are used to for years having get togethers at our house with other families and one of their friends. They are fine about mixing with me to a large extent at home. Since they became teens though they don't like any parents at the party. We have to stay in another room and they party and dance in the back yard. My dds are good kids--no problems thank God so far with drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, etc. They would just rather go with someone other than me. I'm going to work on losing weight now that the stress of the past few years is over. I told her I was overweight when we started at her old school. The moms didn't really hold the weight against me because they knew I couldn't help it. It is true they are used to their friends hanging out in the house or backyard with me--but I can only go out once a week so they rarely had me go places with them. Still, this really has become more of a teenage thing. They even like to be alone in their rooms or alone with their friends in the rec room. They seem to want their independence and privacy. They hate that I don't let them do more on their own. They call me paranoid. But it makes me feel hurt.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:22am

Thank you so much for your response. Yes, I would like to contact you about the weight loss. I'd like to lose for myself as well as my dds and dh.

I'm happy to report we went to the school picnic for parents and students, which she had not wanted me to go to and she was very comfortable with us there. We were shocked. I didn't make a grand limping entrance. But I think because we were friendly and getting along and sitting with parents of kids she likes, she felt relieved that we would be accepted here as we were in our old town, just because we try to be decent people.

I am happy and relieved it went so well, but I greatly appreciate your support regarding the weight. It will mean giving up activities. I gain from fatigue alot..But it must be . More about that later. Thanks again!

Sunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2007
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 12:35am

thanks so much for your honest, helpful advice. Yes, you're right. I have to face the weight issue--and help my health as much as I can for myself as well as dds. I never thought they wouldn't want me friendly with parents of their friends. It's an interesting area to explore. Thanks for bringing it up. In my old town some of my best friends and I talk constantly. Our kids don't hang with their dds now. But a few of us still talk several times a week. I'm going to ask my kids tho.

I'm happy to report we did have a parent/student get together. I made a discreet entrance--early--so people didn't seee the limp. My dd seemed to enjoy having us there. I think it was because she saw the other parents were at a table laughing and talking with us and she felt I would be accepted here as I was back home, just because we are decent people and like others. It went great--except that the car bothers her. I'm still going to get my act together tho. Thanks for your honesty.

Sunny

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 8:54am
So glad that the class BBQ went well and that you met some people...and that your kids were happy.

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