teen friendships/relationship issue
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teen friendships/relationship issue
| Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:54am |
OK, one more while I'm here...
I posted a few weeks ago about a too serious/too fast relationship DD is having. Just short of 2 months she's been seeing this guy. She started with a new group of frds about 3-4 months ago and met him through those frds. She was getting picked up and leaving, we had no contact with the frds or their families so know little about any of them. Anyway, since she's been dating the bf she has been caught drinking 2 times in 2 weeks. The first time she told the truth and I let her off with no punishment at all since she was truthful and seemed to regret doing it. The next weekend she lied and was willing to go to the police and have a breathalizer (she would have failed their zero tolerance for underage and lost her week old driver's permit for 6 month's). Since then she's been basically grounded, and more recently allowed to have people over and be in our neighborhood. No driving around, must tell us where's she's going if she decides to walk somewhere with anyone. Saturday her "friends" came over for around 10-15 minutes then left. It was almost like they felt obligated to stop by, but really didn't want to be with DD. BF has been here every night he was allowed, which at least shows he seems to care about her. Since he's been around we've noticed that bf doesn't really seem to fit with dd too much. She's correcting his grammer, when DW or I aren't around he curses a lot. Two of my boys told me that they told dd to have him stop doing it so much because the little boys are around and they'll pick it up. BF has no job, and DD doesn't know when/if he's going to get one. She's working 40 hrs/wk for the summer maing money, he's living off of mom and dad (I guess?). He likes to race cars (although he doesn't have a running one and borrows one a car from a working friend while he's at work to get here.) DD thinks racing is dumb.
I've told her that I don't want her going out 7 days a week with no plan (hanging out), I told her that I'm concerned that bf is a relatively new driver who likes to race. I'm obviously concerned that DD never drank until meeting bf and did it twice in as many weeks even after she was caught. Lastly, I'm still concerned about the relationship taking it's next more physical step and DD waking up after and realizing how different they are. We've had many talks on BC and being safe through the years, but yet she says she isn't ready for sex and doesn't need to worry about it now.
If I were giving someone else advice, I'd say to make your rules clear and stick to them as far as drinking or driving with anyone who has been drinking. Same thing about racing around in cars. Then let her be and hope for the best. I'm having such a hard time following my own advice though. Does anyone have a better idea?
I posted a few weeks ago about a too serious/too fast relationship DD is having. Just short of 2 months she's been seeing this guy. She started with a new group of frds about 3-4 months ago and met him through those frds. She was getting picked up and leaving, we had no contact with the frds or their families so know little about any of them. Anyway, since she's been dating the bf she has been caught drinking 2 times in 2 weeks. The first time she told the truth and I let her off with no punishment at all since she was truthful and seemed to regret doing it. The next weekend she lied and was willing to go to the police and have a breathalizer (she would have failed their zero tolerance for underage and lost her week old driver's permit for 6 month's). Since then she's been basically grounded, and more recently allowed to have people over and be in our neighborhood. No driving around, must tell us where's she's going if she decides to walk somewhere with anyone. Saturday her "friends" came over for around 10-15 minutes then left. It was almost like they felt obligated to stop by, but really didn't want to be with DD. BF has been here every night he was allowed, which at least shows he seems to care about her. Since he's been around we've noticed that bf doesn't really seem to fit with dd too much. She's correcting his grammer, when DW or I aren't around he curses a lot. Two of my boys told me that they told dd to have him stop doing it so much because the little boys are around and they'll pick it up. BF has no job, and DD doesn't know when/if he's going to get one. She's working 40 hrs/wk for the summer maing money, he's living off of mom and dad (I guess?). He likes to race cars (although he doesn't have a running one and borrows one a car from a working friend while he's at work to get here.) DD thinks racing is dumb.
I've told her that I don't want her going out 7 days a week with no plan (hanging out), I told her that I'm concerned that bf is a relatively new driver who likes to race. I'm obviously concerned that DD never drank until meeting bf and did it twice in as many weeks even after she was caught. Lastly, I'm still concerned about the relationship taking it's next more physical step and DD waking up after and realizing how different they are. We've had many talks on BC and being safe through the years, but yet she says she isn't ready for sex and doesn't need to worry about it now.
If I were giving someone else advice, I'd say to make your rules clear and stick to them as far as drinking or driving with anyone who has been drinking. Same thing about racing around in cars. Then let her be and hope for the best. I'm having such a hard time following my own advice though. Does anyone have a better idea?

I don't have much great advice, except that maybe if DD and BF are really that diff, she'll get tired of him soon and break up, but if you mention anything, she'll hang on to him just to prove you are wrong.
As far as drinking, I know that's very disturbing. I was just SHOCKED and disappointed when I found out that my 18 yo DD tried drinking and she told me that the amt. she drank was much less than her friends. Her friends are the group of kids that every parent would want to have too--all the top students, athletes, getting all kinds of scholarships for college and not really getting into any trouble. You would never guess. I can't really control it since she's going away to college next year. I just keep emphasizing not drinking & driving. I also mention the fact that now she's 18 if she gets arrested, first of all it will be in our small town paper for everyone to see and it will be on her permanent record. When I was a teenager, the drinking age was 18 so we all did it but above board.
As tempting as it would be to tell your DD what a loser her BF is, it might be best to just stick with 'her' behaviors. i.e. Since dating BF, you've noticed the following changes.,.,.. etc. and see what she has to say about this.
As far as the drinking, where are these other kids' parents????
As far as the drinking, I really don't know. The whole group of friends is from another neighborhood about 5-10 min car ride from ours. They are all basically one neighborhood click that my DD has now joined in with. I do know from what DD told me the first timeshe was caught that they were drinking right outside bf's house. It was cans of "Tilt" which is an energy/malt mix and adults might not even realize that it is alcohol, they may just think it's the newest "red bull" like drink. (that's a whole other problem since I've told her not to drink energy drinks since heart disease runs in the family).
Anyway, I've talked to one frd's mother, she seemed very aware and conscious and seemed to have the same type of standards as us, then I hear she allowed her DD17 to sleep over her bf's house after 3 weeks. :o So I really have no idea what world these people are living in. I've already told DD not to bother asking to sleep at any of these people's houses again (she did it once for a bday party, that's when I talked to the mother). Different standards for different people.