teen girl "social outcasts"
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teen girl "social outcasts"
| Thu, 01-11-2007 - 5:38pm |
I am the mother of a 16-year-old daughter. We moved to a new state when she started high school and she is still having a hard time making friends. She didn't want to move here in the first place and I think she carries that attitude with her. She's joined clubs, a school sports team, takes dance class, but nothing she does seems to be getting her anywhere as far as making friends. She's been told that she's "stand-offish." I'm frustrated and nothing I say to her as suggestions about how to handle making friends seems to have any impact. HELP!

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What a hard thing for your DD to go through, and I'm sure it's hard to watch her struggle.
Maybe you can talk to your dd about whether she is stand-offish, and what she can do about it. Is there one other girl who she'd like to be friends with? Maybe she can start with just one or two to eat lunch with or hang with after school. Having just one or two friends might help break the impasse. Or invite the girls on teh team to your house after a practice, so she has some unstructured time with them. I know for my DD, the "hanging" time is when the bonds get made and strengthened. I've told her that our house can always be the hang-out house, and they do come here when they have time after school.
HTH
(((HUGS)))
Sue
Rose
When I was 16, my parents moved from the neighbourhood I grew up in where I had childhood friends and memories and where my schools were a short walk away, all the way out to a suburban neighbourhood on the outskirts of the city.
It was very difficult for me. I went from a place where I knew everyone and everything to a place where I was the "outsider". All these people in this neighbourhood I moved to had gone to school together and grew up together and they had long established relationships. It is a difficult time as it is and teens are not the most likely to approach other teens they don't know and include them in their group. It is very risky and it would take a very confident, well-adjusted teen to do so.
I ended up going to a high school where I had to commute by bus every day, still somewhat outside the neighbourhood I lived in, but where I had a cousin at least who was attending. At least I knew one person that way.
I admit it took me almost a full school year to make any significant friendships. And then it was because all of us were getting older and were more mature and reaching out beyond our normal "cliques".
So it may just be a matter of time. She should continue to do what interests her and reach out to maybe one or two people and it will expand eventually...
My question would be, are YOU happy there? The reason I'm asking is, the mother daughter bond is usually pretty tight and IF shes getting any indication (even indirectly) that you don't like it, she may not either, kwim?
Now, I mentioned the above because of my past experience. I too moved to a new state, the kids hated EVERY single thing, the weather, the schools, the people etc. What was pointed out to me was that I too hated it, which btw was true although I didn't vocalize it, it showed by my lack of actions/interests here. I was the one that had to change first and become involved, seeing the positives.
My ODD had a really tough time when we first got here. Although she joined things, friends were non existent and up until we got here, she had been a really social kid with lots of friends. I had to sit her down, more then once and point out that where we are now, yes the people might have been raised more conservative then her, but to try and remember teens generally take views from their parents which isn't always a bad thing. And remind her that it's not always best when seeking friends to appear so harsh, stand offish, try to remember teens can find common ground IF she wanted to. Btw, my ODD is a screaming liberal, very outspoken on some pretty hot issues and like her mother once felt, she too felt like she had been dumped into the middle of a VERY conservative republican bible belt ... Btw, today she's on the debate team and I've got to tell you, she voices her views there, but around her friends has learned to curb it some and just be teenagers together.
I can sympathize w/ your DD. My DSD & DH moved in w/ me when we got married. At that time, DSD was in 8th grade. It took her a while to make new friends. First of all, she's not the type to fit in w/ the most "popular" kids or the jocks. She is overweight, so she can't wear the cool fashions. For a while, she was into the "gangsta" hoodie look now it's more like jeans and rock group T shirts and black eye makeup. But she has managed to find 2 girls of similar taste that she hangs around with. One of the girls has a part-time job and a mother who is reluctant to let her go anywhere, which is too bad. The other one now has a 19 y.o. BF! and it seems like DSD is the second choice if the friend doesn't have anything else to do. When she is able to get together w/ these girls, they go to the movies or something and they do have fun, but her personality is just not that outgoing. My DH will suggest that she call the girls and invite them over, but she really likes spending a lot of time by herself in her room.
My 17 yo DD on the other hand, is much more of a social butterfly. She can't stand to be by herself. I used to joke that if she had a friend over, by the time that friend was leaving, she was already calling up someone else so she wouldn't have a minute of no friend time. My DD is involved w/ a lot of activities, but if your DD is already in clubs, I wonder why she can't make friends there.
Has she actually asked people to do things w/ her outside of school? It seems that some people wait to be asked but maybe if she did the asking, things would progress further. I think that if she tried to get one or two girls that she seems to have most in common with to be friends, then her group might expand. It is a good skill to learn for the future too, as one person said, in college, everyone will be new. Also, a lot of people mistake it if someone is quiet or shy for being 'standoffish" or snobby. Maybe she just has to make that effort.
Secondly, my daughter does not really make the effort to invite people over after school or to do things on the weekends, as many times as I have suggested it. I think the best thing for me to do is just keep my mouth shut because the more I bring it up, the sadder she gets. High school isn't for everyone and life does go on from there. It's unfortunate, but thanks for all of the suggestions.
In response to your post, I am happy here and made friends within two months by joining a tennis team. I wasn't happy at first because we had a very difficult move. The movers lost our things for months and we spent my daughter's 14th birthday moving into a new house with none of her friends to help her celebrate. She's always resented that. I keep reading responses that she should invite people over, but she won't do that if she feels like an outcast and is going to get rejected. She was rebuffed by one group of girls and it just set the tone.
I'm a little late chiming in here, but to address your questions about board 'lingo' --
DD, DS, DH, etc. refers to our children or spouses (dd = dear daughter, ds = dear son, etc., thought sometimes, depending on our frustration level at the moment it could also mean 'darn' daughter, 'darn' son, etc.)
kwim = know what I mean?
btdt = been there, done that
dsd = dear step daughter
See? it's all just acronyms. Sometimes you have to think a little about them if you've never seen that particular one before, but it's usually a phrase that is used pretty often in todays' world.
Okay, so onto your original issue! As a mother with a sophomore DD who may find herself in the exact same situation before long, I completely understand your concern and do sympathize. It's definitely heart-wrenching to watch your child struggle in a situation like this. However, I do think your DD may need to let down her guard a little and extend herself now.
There must be one person in one of her classes that she has spoken to in class and feels comfortable with. She could try asking that person if she could join him/her for lunch that day or send out little 'feelers' to seek if he/she would be receptive to seeing a movie sometime, or getting together someday afterschool. There are plenty of kids that don't stand on the top rung of the high school social ladder and would be receptive to your DD's efforts. She may have to look past the obvious choices, but I'll bet there is someone out there looking for a friend.
You might also suggest things or activities where she could ask a friend to tag along. If you're going to a movie, or shopping, suggest she call X from dance class to see if she'd like to go. Something along those lines. It will be hard, especially of your DD already feels like she's not been accepted, but she really does need to try if she's going to make friends.
I had a great time in high school but my DH did not. He hated it, and whenever I express concern over moving (and there is a For-Sale sign stuck in our yard right now) and uprooting them and having them starting in new schools, he points out that 'high school is just a stepping stone in life to the bigger and better things' -- like college, jobs, marriage, etc. It's not necessarily a point of view I share, because I do realize the importance of friends during the high school years, it does have some validity.
Keep encouraging your DD and give her lots of hugs.
Hope this helps.
Julie
Edited 1/13/2007 12:06 pm ET by hydrangea_blue
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