Teen gone wild, mother gone crazy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Teen gone wild, mother gone crazy
9
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:41am

This is my first post, hope there is someone out there who can help me.

Divorced for 15yrs, I am 4yrs into my second marriage, my husband comes to this union with 2 "perfect" children both who are accademically brilliant, socially balanced and religiously grounded, who have never given us a problem. I have a (17yr) son (who lives with us) that is making life less than pleasant for our us.

Literally everyday (for the last 2 yrs) we have experienced some sort of challenge to a different degree. We have delt with everything from drinking and drug use to skipping school and failing grades.
Last night he asked if he could go to the movies (with a new "love" interest) then called and asked if he could go campiing after the fact....Red flag! We said no, told him to enjoy the movie and come home afterwards. Well, when I got up 5:00am this morning his car was not in the driveway, I came home from the gym around 7ish and there his car sits! I told my husband about this (he never heard him drive in)....we have decided to hold off confronting him until we can cool off.

This is a new one for us for a couple of reasons. 1.) He has never dated and 2.)He has never stayed out all night. we are dealing with young man that does what he wants to do and has no regard for consequences.

I am terrified that I will be a 45 yr old grandmother or a mother of an inmate...I know this must sound a little ridiculous but I hope there is somone out there who might have dealt with this type of challenge. Yes, we have thought of every means of punishment and going to live with his Dad is not an option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 10:38am

Hi - and welcome to the board...and, in fact, my world.

I wish I could give you some real advice, but I'm dealing with exactly the same situation - with one added benefit "I'm 18 and I don't have to listen to you anymore."

I would recommend that you sit him down when you've calmed down and ask him where he was. Let him know you KNOW he wasn't home - see what he says before you decide the consequence.

Is the car in your name? You can take it away if you want - or tell him the next time he breaks curfew, you're reporting the car stolen - seeing him arrested in front of his friends will embarrass him, no doubt.

Have you had him to a therapist or a psychiatrist?

As for being a 45 year old grandmother, I wouldn't let this incident worry you in that regard. If that's going to happen, it will happen whether he stays out all night or is home by 8 pm.

I wish my son had been arrested when he was underage. In my state, once a child turns 18, their record is sealed and unavailable for public viewing - it might have scared him a little without destroying his future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 12:19pm

I am kind of on the opposite side of the fence here since I'm the mother of the "perfect" children--just kidding and my DSD (17) is the one who is causing most of the trouble. She hasn't used drugs, but she has failed classes and skipped school. She is currently in summer school due to the fact that she failed 2 major subjects last year and why? Because she just decided not to go to the final exam. She hasn't had a boyfriend yet, but knowing her personality, I would have no doubt that if she got a boyfriend, she would be having sex because she craves affection, which she doesn't get from her father. I also think she doesn't have many friends so she would be the kind to go along w/ the crowd in order to be accepted.

It's really tricky by the time they are 17. My DH spends all his time thinking about how to punish and control his DD. On the other hand, I think she has not developed any common sense and she gets back at him by trying to sneak around and do things behind her back. When my DD was a senior, I gave her a lot of freedom because I figured that she was going to be living away at college the next year and I couldn't control or even know what she was doing. I try to explain why I want her to do certain things so she will have an understanding, not just because of the "you have to do what I say." One night she did stay out all night w/o telling me (she doesn't have a BF, so I'm not worried about that and I was sure she was at a friend's house and just decided to stay), but I told her that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and you're not home, then I worry. If you feel it's too late to call the home phone and wake everyone up, then at least call my cell and leave a message, so that if I did get up, I could check it and at least know you are safe." I only had to say that once. Another time that she was going to be late, she did leave a message on my cell.

Since you probably know that he stayed out all night w/ GF, then I hope you have already had many safe sex talks w/ him. There's not much more you can do. If he wants to have sex, he can do it before curfew as well as after and you can't keep him in the house 100% of the time.

I think my DH's problem is that DSD will mess up in a lot of areas and instead of dealing w/ one thing at a time, he's so overwhelmed that when she does one thing that's not so bad, he adds in everything else she has ever done. If he focuses on one problem at a time, it's better. For ex, she didn't want to go to summer school because she thought she could just take 7 classes next year and still graduate on time. After talking to the school counsellor, they thought it wasn't that realistic for a poor student to be taking 7 classes. She was actually going to take 2 classes in summer school, but they didn't have enough students for the 2nd one. So the plan was--if you go to summer school every day and do all your homework (verified by a note from the teacher), then you can use the car on the weekends. If you miss class or don't do your hw, then no car use. That worked out fine (up to last weekend w/ the big fight, but that's another story.) I find that when there are multiple problems w/ one child, it might be time for some family counselling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 5:23pm

I have had the safe sex talk with DS, this young lady seems to be pretty nice. She wears a purity ring and seems to come from a nice family. BUT, that doesn't mean squat especially when he bats those big brown Bambi eyes to get what he wants.

DS has my leased Jeep (which will expire in November) that he has been driving. Last week, we had picked out a really cool used jeep (he loved it!)which was downstate and had put a hold pymt on it till we could pick it up this weekend. DH called the dealership (a friend of ours) explained the situation and canceled the order.

DS called my DH this morning on his way to work and wanted to know if he could apply his paycheck towards the insurance pymt on this used jeep we were going to pay for (him making a monthly pymt to us!). My husband informed him that "no, he could not because he was now going to have to purchase one on his own without our help" DS was shocked!

When DS confronted me I just told him we have had enough and at this time we had no other options and that it was imperative that we his attention. He apologized (with those baby browns!)and told me that he loved me ect...blah, blah! I told him at this time if he continues defying us that our next option will be for him to move out ( he will be 18 in Nov). I asked him if he really thought his life and his folks were really that unreasonable and unfair, he responded no.

My DH has the patience of Job and frankly I dont know why he hasnt hit the road with all the drama this child has posed in our marriage....Im certainly no walk in the park, either! He says how much DSS reminds him of him as a kid...but I do think he has now reached his limit. We have went through counseling last year but I think maybe another visit might do some good.

Thanks for taking the time out of your schedule to respond, I am grateful. You actually made my day!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 5:35pm

Thank-you for your warm welcome and thoughtful response. I did respond to musiclover12 what happened earlier today with DS & DH. The "I'm 18 and can do what I want" is probably not that far off.

We did have an altercation a couple of years ago with the law and DS did find himself in jail which I do feel left a huge impact on him...one can only hope!

Thanks again for writing, it did my heart good today!
I wish you peace!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2007
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 2:43pm

Mine pulled this crap last night! It's the first time I'm aware of. He is 17 and going to be a senior. He has his car and is always out, but usually home on time and reasonable.

Last night he announced he would sleep over his friends. We thought it was late, but he had worked and it was Fri night. I decided to drive by the friend's shortly before midnight (driving curfew) and he wasn't there. He said they went to the store and I told him he better be in by midnight and to call me. He called, and either used 3-way calling so the caller ID showed his friend's home, or they did stop home. By 12:30 he still wasn't at friends or at home, didn't answer phone. I woke the other mom. SHe seemed unconcerned that her child wasn't home and wasn't answering my calls.

Finally hear from my son later with some story. It ended up that he ignored most of my calls and texts, had left his friend's home (with friend) at close to midnight, drove about 25 minutes to a town he never drove to. He had apparently planned to chill all night at this girl's house (claims her Dad knew, but my kid barely knows this girl). He rolled in aroung 3 am and can't seem to understand why we're mad!Claims he left is phone in the car (like he is ever without it--it is attached to him)

Took his phone and car keys, and we start our vacation tomorrow. 9 hour drive with people who barely want to be in the same room together. What a way to ruin a nice time. I feel so let down, I never really trusted him 100% (he's a teenager after all) but I never expected to be completely ignored (phone calls) and have him pull such a stunt. His friend pulled a similar thing 2 weeks ago, but he had "issues" at home (and I trust him less than my son). I wonder if that's where mine got the idea...

I don't know how to feel or act. I want to cry and I don't know why (I'm not a crier)--he didn't drink or drug or have an accident. I had really looked forward to vacation and now my husband will be all over him (and my younger one) about where he is every second.I don't know how long is reasonable puninshment. 3 am is way beyond acceptable...I'm afraind he'll quit job because now we have to drive him and he'll be embarrassed.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 4:00pm

When you are knee-deep in alligators, it is very hard to remember that your original mission was to drain the swamp. Your mission is to get this kid through adolescence and on to the rest of his life as a responsible adult. You did just that. He screwed up or should I say, tested how long his leash was, and you and DH did the responsible thing. End of story.

Now I would start your vacation exactly the same as you would have if this had not happened. If you anticipate a bad time, you will probably act in ways that encourage it to happen. If son's attitude is lousy because of this action of yours and it lasts for more than a day into the vacation. I would, with total coordination ahead of time with DH, call a family meeting where you all can agree that this is a time out period to have fun in.

Vacations are the perfect chances to be able to hang out with sons for lengthy periods of time. It is only in those periods where his real feelings will emerge. I would suggest that you engineer a time when your DH and your son can do some activity together where there is lots of time to talk. Fishing or hiking would be good examples. DH needs to not probe DS's feelings. Just engage in small talk or silence and allow DS to speak when he is ready. When he starts to talk feelings, DH needs to just ask enough questions to keep DS talking. DH ought to respond with answers only when asked and then responding with a light question, would be the way to go, for example, "I am curious if you were to do X, how you would feel?"

Because of the Boy Code, male teens stuff their feelings. What I have just described in the secret to my success with my own kids and with all the kids I have ever worked with. The secret is so simple; just hang out with them for long enough periods of time for them to finally be comfortable enough to spill the feelings. I still do that with my 28 y.o. DS. The other day, after two days of his moping around, he asked me if I had had dinner yet. He normally does not ask that question and just helps himself to food. I knew that was a sign that he wanted to talk and I quickly suggested that we go out to eat. I picked a quiet restaurant and we talked for two hours. It was some of the best coaching I have ever done and the next day he went out of his way to hug me and thank me for assisting him to recharge his engine.

I hope this helps you make this an enjoyable and very productive vacation.

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 5:55pm

I've never heard of it as "The Boy Code" before, but I do know that the only time I get real conversations with my guys is driving in the car after dark.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2007
Sun, 08-05-2007 - 7:57pm

Rose,

Thank you for that post. It perfectly illustrates the point I was making. It is also a great example of "If it is raining lemons, make lemonade." They already did what ever they did, so let's learn from it and move on. My favorite question at times like those is, "O.K., so what did you learn from that?" and I won't take," need to be slicker," as an answer. It must be a responsible answer to be a learning and growth experience.

I am writing a book on parenting teens, I would love to use that story in it with your permission.

The Boy Code is responsible for most of the problems boys and men have expressing feelings. I wrote an entire entry in my blog about it. The title is "The Boy Code and The Power of Just Hanging Out to Overcome It" You can read it at: http://blog.theparentscoach.com/2007/07/the-boy-code-an.html

Jason

My website: http://TheParentsCoach.com
My parents blog: http://blog.TheParentsCoach.com       &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
Mon, 08-06-2007 - 3:55pm
Hi there, I'm new to this board. I was actually browsing bec. I have a 12 y/0 and a lying, cheating, disrespectful 9 y/o, and was hoping to get some insight into how to get a handle on the 9 y/o! Anyway, your letter struck me because I grew up in a very disfunctional family and I could feel the desperation in your letter. My mom was divorced and tried remarrying, which produced 2 more kids (there were 3 to start with), and alot of trouble growing up, not to mention the scars. He had his own list of problems. The thing about it is, well, I had my grandmother who kept me grounded. my sisters and brothers(the new ones) had nobody, and went through the stages that you are talking about. I wonder if I might make a suggestion? One, I'd suggest that you wait up for him when he out. Don't make it seem like you're police-ing him, just make it look like a late night snack or better yet, a way to talk about his day. I think that he needs to connect with you, especially bec. of the changes in your lives. I know that my mom never seemed interested in me or what was up with me, she never even seemed to care if there was poor behavior either, but that is another story. Maybe he needs to know that you're interested. I am sure that you are, or you wouldn't have sought out answers, but I think that as the kids get older we, in giving them space, forget that there needs to be a strong connection too. Try spending some alone time with him, however you can get it, even it you need to sneak it in. I think that everyone who is lost needs a trail of breadcrumbs to follow, you know? Well, hope that helps. Also, does he have a curfew? and does he have a job? These things really help keep a person grounded. You're on the right track, just don't get frustrated.