Teen Maturity Issues - Need HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Teen Maturity Issues - Need HELP!!
16
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:40pm

I wasn't sure if I should call this post "Can a parent give up on a child?" or "How do you get your child to mature?"


I have posted some of these issues here before and found the advice to be right on. I am back out of sheer frustration. I will try to keep this as brief as possible. These are some of the things we have been dealing with this year with our 16yo DD (hs junior) as well as a description of the kind of kid she is.


A bit about her: L is a nice girl and a good kid in general. She has a nice group of girlfriends. She is pretty and fairly popular. She is very social - thinks she should be permitted to do anything she wants socially. She is social in school too - always has been. She is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 5:16pm

Hey Karen - these teen years certainly can give us gray hair, can't they??

Pam
Avatar for mily12
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 6:22pm

I agree with Pam. She's simply too immature to handle all the freedom that she now has. She's a young lady who simply needs more rules, hence more structure. I don't mean to imply anything negative about your DD. As you say, she's a good kid. Unfortunately, she is incapable, at this time, of handling all that freedom without getting into trouble. I think she'll do fine, once you set more rules.

I agree with you in regard to limiting her college choices. Sit her down and make sure she's aware of the fact that you are not simply going to dish out $40K for her education if she's simply going to goof off. If you don't think she's mature enough to spend all that money, then I don't see anything wrong with sending her to a less expensive college. Perhaps she'll prove herself and she'll then be able to transfer to the college of her choice. Perhaps she won't and then, at least, you won't have spent a fortune. By the way, out of curiousity, are we talking $40K/year or for 4 years? Either way, it's a fortune, depending upon one's financial status.

One last thought. She's only 16 and still a junior. She may surprise you and grow up within the next year. I wish you all well. :)

Mily

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 7:19pm

I agree with Pam and Mily about your DD having too much freedom and too many privileges. And yes, it does sound like she needs to mature some more before she will be able to make serious decisions about her future. Getting through high school, IMHO, is what is important at this point. Is she just telling you that she wants to go to college or is she showing you? If she is not showing you, then I would recommend not being overly anxious to have her apply to colleges right now and I certainly would be cautious about spending that much money post high school. College is not necessarily right for everyone, and she may benefit by getting a job and working first, and having to pay her own living expenses. Let her get some "real life" experience, etc. She can always go to college later if that is what she wants. I do think that children mature at different rates and yours (and mine, by the way) may just need more time. Hang in there and I hope you get some more good suggestions.

Amelia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 7:35pm

Maybe I'm off base here, but I don't think the things you've listed are "nothing major". Shoplifting, drinking, sneaking out, lying, repeatedly breaking school rules, and plannfully goofing off on school work - these are major!

I know you've posted before about college, and if this were my daughter all conversations about college would be off the table until grades come up, weekends are spent on school work not playing with the girls, and general maturity is seen. She can work for a year after HS and see if that's what she wants or if she's willing to do the work needed for college.

I think a counselor might be helpful. It won't "fix" her, but it might help you and your DH see some more effective parenting for her. It might help her see some long-term consequences of the choices she's making.

(I'm sorry if this next bit sounds harsh) You need to stop making excuses for her behavior. Set the standards for her, help her if she needs (like supervising homework, getting a counselor, setting clearer boundaries and rules), and then hold her to them. By writing it off to "maturity" or "just teen stuff," you are doing her a disservice - she is not learning how to be mature and responsible.

Hang in there - she needs you now more than ever!

((((HUGS)))

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:30pm

Karen,
Teens are a lot like toddlers. They're growing and changing at lightening speed and they think they can do things they simply can't handle. If your dd was a two year old and she had a toy that was too much for her, you'd take it away and give it back when she was a little older. She is a teen who is abusing her cell phone privleges. Taka it away.

The others are right - she has more freedom than she can handle and her behavior proves it. She needs and, I'll wager she wants you to reign her in. I know you said you tried grounding, taking things away, etc. I suspect you might be giving things back a little too quickly. The phone, again, is a good example. I'd take it away and tell her she might get it back in the summer, depending on how her grades are at the end of the year.

Your intentions are honorable, but she isn't going to mature without guidance and strict guidelines. Some kids need a lot of structure. Mine definately does and I think your dd needs that, too.
uGood luck to you. I know this isn't easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 11:40pm

I have to agree with the other posters, your DD isn't mature enough to deal with the level of freedom that she has.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 7:36am

Well, you all seem to have basically the same message for me and I appreciate your advice - even the harsh stuff!


I said her behaviours were "nothing major". Without making excuses,

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 8:25am

You know what?? It's never too late to go to college!! One of my coworkers recently quit work to go to college full time, was accepted at a jr. college that will have her well on her way to a BS in a few years... She's 29 and never even graduated high school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2005
Thu, 03-09-2006 - 1:25pm
karen,
this is where I come when I need a good bop upside the head! It really helps to hear from other parents who are NOT emotionally involved. When I was in a terrible carpool situation w/my dd, I could only see that I had to "take the high road" and come through for these other parents. I posted about it and the almost-unanimous response was along the lines of "what the heck are you thinking? Just STOP this nonsense and find an alternative for your dd". I could not see what they could see because I was so caught up in my own version of what "the right thing" was in this case. It turns out that the right thing was to put my dd first. I have not regretted pulling out for even a second - even though I royally ticked off two moms and ratched up my gasoline credit card in a big way! I needed to be pointed in the right direction - something this group is very good at doing!
jt
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 9:34am

Update:


I took the advice from this thread as well as some other ideas found here on this board and came up with a 'plan'. I like things in black and white so I actually typed a plan and will show it to DD today. In it, I cover things like no activities on school days, must spend time with certain teachers 1x per week, financial budgeting,

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