Teen Maturity Issues - Need HELP!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Teen Maturity Issues - Need HELP!!
16
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 4:40pm

I wasn't sure if I should call this post "Can a parent give up on a child?" or "How do you get your child to mature?"


I have posted some of these issues here before and found the advice to be right on. I am back out of sheer frustration. I will try to keep this as brief as possible. These are some of the things we have been dealing with this year with our 16yo DD (hs junior) as well as a description of the kind of kid she is.


A bit about her: L is a nice girl and a good kid in general. She has a nice group of girlfriends. She is pretty and fairly popular. She is very social - thinks she should be permitted to do anything she wants socially. She is social in school too - always has been. She is

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:03am

If your DD thinks you're "psycho" and says her friends agree (of course, she'll say they agree with her, lol), then my guess is you're on the right track!! Sometimes I joke that if *both* my kids say I'm too "mean" at the same time I must be doing something right. I am not (by a long shot) a big proponent of punishment, but I am a big supporter of setting clear, strict, and reasonable limits and boundaries for kids. You don't have to answer the "why" questions, or do what all the other parents do, or even worry that the teachers think you're "nuts" (you're not and I doubt they even think that!), you only answer to you and your feeling about what will work for your DD.

Hang in there!

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 10:29am
You know, I think you have a great plan. I think that, and I'm a teen! I'm 16, and I would be terribly ticked if my parents told me that, but I do understand where you're coming from and you're definitely on the right track. I think as she notices as her grades go up, and she becomes more responsible with her cell phone and free time, her freedom will increase.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 12:53pm

First off - I posted with my cl-hat on before...sorry!


Thanks to all for your input - especially payasa! It's great to hear from a teen. Now that DD is at home for the weekend, I just hope I can motivate her to actually do her schoolwork.


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Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 2:30pm

I will second a lot of the good advice that you have already received and add a couple of things:
We banned sleepovers outright for about 1.5 yrs during HS. We realized that raiding the liquor cabinet or someone bringing in drugs or alcohol is not uncommon and teen girls can be very skilled at slipping out quietly. Also parents differ in what they consider appropriate supervision for kids of that age so you don't really know where your dd is at 2am unless she is in your own home. You might want to allow an occasional sleepover at your home if you are willing to check on them during the night. Sure she will complain that you are ruining her social life, but as adults we know that she could ruin her entire life with a bad choice in one of these situations.

If you decide that your dd is not ready to go off to an expensive college there are still options for her. Here in CA it is getting very hard to get into the public colleges, and tuition is getting more expensive, so many bright and/or lower income students are attending community colleges for 2 or more years to get their lower division units at a fraction of the cost of a university. Then they have a clearer idea of what major they want to pursue and can choose a U based on that. The idea of taking a year off is also very valuable--isn't that common in Europe and they call it Gap Year? Your dd could work anywhere-- the mall, as a receptionist in an office, as a waitress, whatever she can find. Maybe she would try different things to get ideas of what she likes and dislikes. I would require her to work at least 35 hrs/week to keep her busy, plus give her specific duties at home, and try to get her to save a percentage of her earnings (you could collect room and board and secretly put it in an acct for her future). As far as how she would get into a U if she took a year off? She would probably have to take the SAT or ACT shortly before applying so they have current scores, and they would look at her HS transcript and other transcripts if she took any post-HS courses. The essay portion of the college application is where she can tell how she matured and learned so much during her time away from school! The colleges want diversity in their student body so not entering straight from HS is not a bad thing. The important thing is that your dd is psychologically ready to commit to the responsibilities of college and some kids need the perspective of the working world to be ready to make that commitment.

Most kids do a LOT of maturing during their 12th grade year. They *are* a little older thus more mature, and often the teachers treat them differently, less hand-holding and more personal responsibility to help prepare them for college. Hopefully by this time next year you will see a big difference in your dd...just remember that growing up is a series of babysteps (some of them backwards!) and she will get there eventually!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sat, 03-11-2006 - 2:58pm

I really want to commend you on your ability to put together a plan based on some really solid advice.

Its a teenager's job to think their parents are "psycho". That's what these years are about. Don't worry about appearing like you are punishing. I think what you are doing is setting some boundaries and letting her know that decisions have outcomes and alot of times those outcomes are not what we want them to be.

Thing is that some teenagers live in this blissful world where they can party and have a great time and skate by in school without any consequences and think that this is what life is going to be like forever! The rest of us know the truth about how quickly and how bitterly reality sets in after high school. No one says teens shouldn't have some down time and relaxation and even room to make mistaks -- its just that it needs to be balanced with some preparation for life beyond high school.

These are a tough few years for our kids but I think you are doing the right things giving her a, figurative, slap upside the head...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Mon, 03-13-2006 - 12:28pm

I think you are on the right path, and would be interested in hearing how it's going with you and dd. (And I thought I was the only "psycho" around! LOL!)

Amelia

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