Teen night at a club

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Teen night at a club
12
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 7:07am

DD15 wants to go to a "Teen Night" at a club this weekend. So far I haven't seen anything in writing (or online) that says what this club is, who's sponsoring it, where (exactly) it is, etc. DD knows I have to see something specific before she can go. She also wants to follow the night out with a sleepover at I's house. She sees this as a 'favor' to mom and dad - you won't have to come out late to pick me up - but we are not happy. I is the friend who has consistently shown the most risky behavior and seems to be the least supervised. I told her this morning that we were thinking she could go to the club, but not the sleepover, because I'm not convinced that I's mother provides enough supervision. She says "how can you say this without talking to her first?"

My DD is ususally very responsible, and has (so far) given us no reason to not trust her. But this is one of those boundary pushing times - she wants more independence, we want her to stay where we can see her until she's at least 25 - the "right" answer is somewhere in between lol - but finding it is the key!

WWYD? What are the "right" rules/boundaries here?

Sue

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 7:58am
I also have a 15dd. I would call the club and find out exactly what is going on. If it seemed appropriate then I would let her go. I just re-read your post and it appears you don't know where it is exactly to call so maybe you could contact the school and find out more about it. I like to pick up my kids and their friends from games, movies, etc. because I learn alot in the car without even having to ask. Would you feel comfortable with your daughters friend spending the night at your house? Maybe it's wrong but when dd wants to spend the night at certain friends houses I tell her no but your friend can stay here. I know I will keep an eye on them where as I don't trust some of the other parents. Good luck! Let us know what you decide.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-18-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 9:39am

Thanks for your response. The club isn't school sponsored, so definitely I need to find out where/who/what, etc.

I like your idea of inviting I to sleep at our house. I actually do like this girl (despite the fact that DD thinks I hate her), but I don't trust her judgement. She's more likely than average to "hook up" with boys and has been known to drink. The worst is she drinks at home when her mom's not there - even more reason to be skeptical about a sleepover.

I'll let you know how it works out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 10:23am

Sue,

These teen nights being held at a club seem to be the latest thing. Around here, there is one major club that offers them too. Thing is, here anyway, it ends at 10ish because at that point, they open it up to the 21 and over crowd. At this club btw, on teen night, anyone of any age can enter, but the bar only serves soda until it makes the age switch. Btw, my DD hasn't gone simply because when I went to look at the place and ask about it, the manager informed me they didn't empty the club after teen night, they just began admitting over 21, opened the bar, but said: of course the teens would leave when they were informed it was over. I must be really old because when I was old enough to enter a club, I don't ever recall seeing - dancers in cages, pole dancing etc - lol and yes, this really popular club has it all! I suggest stopping into the club and just checking it out.

Btw, I am the parent who seems to drive all the teens home at the end of any evening. And I do that for a couple reasons. One, I agree, you learn a lot about whats going on while just being quiet and driving and two, I too have met some parents that to be honest, I wouldn't trust. It's not ideal staying up late, doing the driving etc., but since I'd be waiting up anyway, I'd rather play it safe. In addition, my DD has 1 friend (and shes a nice girl), but I'm uncomfortable with the parents given what I've seen so DD isn't allowed to stay overnight there, but I have no problem with this girl staying at our house - and thats usually what ends up happening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2006
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 11:17am

I think I'd be pretty reluctant about this too, Sue. As far as I know, around here there isn't such a thing as a 'teen night' anywhere. Maybe there is in downtown San Diego, but I'm sure as heck not going to allow DD to attend anything downtown unchaperoned!

Since you can't find anything on line about this place, is there any chance you can drive over and take a look for yourself? And talk to the manager directly? Maybe you can make a deal with your DD? Tell her you the two of you will go TOGETHER this weekend and see what it's all about, what goes on, the type of crowd, etc. Then, if you are comfortable with what you see, she MAY be allowed to go with her gf's the next weekend. And I'd definitely insist on picking her up EXACTLY at the time the club makes it's 'switch over'.

But after reading the other posts about these clubs, I probably wouldn't consider it very seriously for very long anyway -- but I'm a meanie mom!

 

 

 

Avatar for jobismom
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 12:35pm

I agree I would check it out further. My oldest ds just turned 15 and Im still learning things all the time. One thing I do know is events and what goes on can be related to who is directly sponsoring it. I wont let my dd go to the middle school dances unles they are sponsored by the school. If they are sponsored say by a sports team the chaperoning isn't good. This is just my experience I mean no offense to any group/team.

I also used to work at a function hall and prior to being that it was a club and they held teen nights (back in the 80's)and my old boss said it was a nightmare, teenagers came from all over, there would be fights and theyd show up already having alcohol or try to sneak that and who knows what else in the parking lot and they had police outside and a bouncer and it was still hard to control.

So find out who sponsors the event, check safety issues of the building in addition to checking with the police about incidents etc. At 15 theres other things & places for them on friday nights I would hope.

Good Luck, T

 Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:07pm

Theres a club nearby that does "all ages" events. Alot of the teens go and they seem to survive ie they come home in one piece. But those are the kids I know of...I don't know how many others come home drunk or stoned.

The issue is that although they don't serve drinks to minors and open the bar after a certain hour the events are "all ages" meaning even older people are there at the same time as the teens. I've heard stories of girls dancing on the floor and much older (although to them that means someone in their 20s) guys trying to dance up next to them in a not very appropriate way.

Also, although they might be somewhat okay in the club, what about in the parking lot outside the club? What goes on in people's cars? Perhaps some smuggled in booze? Or ecstasy? Pills would be a problem in the club as well. Do young teen girls know not to leave their drink (even if its soda) unattended? Or to not let someone else buy them their drink?

I've told my dd that I will only allow her to go to dances at the high school where I know they are supervised and there is security looking out for their well-being. At the school there are no "in/out" priveleges and they have to stay put. At the club, well, I don't think MOST young teenage girls are street-smart enough to know when something might get them into danger.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 1:51pm
I know you want to be able to trust your daughter, but in my experience, with two teenage daughters, it's the sleepovers that start the problems. Anything can happen at sleepovers (including staying out much later than what we allow). We had to finally completely put a stop to sleepovers for both of our girls. We always offered to have their friends stay at our house...but for some reason....they always chose not to. I wonder why? Looking back, my older daughter told us we did the right thing and our suspicions were correct. I'm not implying that your daughter would do the same, but I would take one step at a time. Good-luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 3:50pm

I agree - make some calls and chech things out. If you can't get enough info to check it out then in our house the answer would be "no way".

Our middle daughter (almost 15) just went to a teen night at a club near here. I tend to be the one to allow them trying something new as long as we check out everythng. DH, on the other hand, was totally against it until he realized he knew the manager. She told us that the liquor is locked down, it is only teens, the kids have to bring their school ID or driver's license and once you leave there is no returning. Some of the teens were searched at the door and they checked large pocketbooks.

He did say there were kids everywhere outside. If we arrive to pick our DDs up and they are outside a dance, bowling alley or in this case a club, they are not allowed to go there again. Sounds strict, but they have no business outside. And we always show up early. I would not allow a sleep over especially if you are less than sure about supervison. We have been warning them about leaving drinks unattended for awhile now - its good advice for everyone, really.

Our oldest DD never asked to go to a teen nite at a club so this was a new experience for us as well.

Good luck with your decision.

Jane

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2004
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 4:40pm
Hi Sue,
Ogre dad here with my 2 cents...
Why do -you- need to scramble to gather information about this place?
If it’s that important to her, let DD get you phone numbers and contact and event information. The label "Teen Night" would do nothing to allay my concerns. And if it checks out with security and safeguards equal or above a school chaperoned dance (unlikely), I would probably permit it.
15 yr olds do not need to go “clubbing.”
My experience with -most- sleepovers at this age is that they are 1) an excuse to break curfew and 2) an excuse for unacceptable behavior after the parents go to bed.
Let us know what you find out and finally decide.
Goodluck!
( DD calls me Groucho lately. Lol.. does it fit?)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Wed, 10-04-2006 - 4:51pm

I think the club would depend on your community. In our community, Teen Nights are not a good thing and I didn't allow DD to go. And I don't think that's just me being a prude b/c I've let her go to partied where I knew alcohol would be served (she was older than 15 though). At the Teen Nights here, there is a fair amount of drug usage and kids "hook up" with older kids. I think maybe you need to find out more about this so you can make a good decision.

If I didn't feel she would be supervised at someone's house, she wouldn't go to spend the night. Make it simple, the girl can come to your home - end of discussion. DD had a few of those friends and I made it real clear that if I didn't trust the adult, she wasn't going to be there all night long. She didn't like it but what could she do? She mouthed some and was a little mopey for a while but when I didn't give in she forgot about and moved on to some other awful thing I did to ruin her entire life. Her life may have been ruined (just kidding) but she at least still has a life to live!!

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