Teen Sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
Teen Sex
11
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 6:38pm
What would be the appropriate punishment if you caught your teen daughter engaging in sexual conversations and considering a sexual act with a teen boy? I want to make an impact but do not want to go overboard with punishment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: illinois_mom
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:04pm
IMO it would depend on the age of the girl, her relationship with the boy, and just WHAT they were talking about doing. An 18 y/o having sex with a b/f she's been seeing for a year is a very different story from a 13 y/o talking about having oral sex with casual aquaintences.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2007
In reply to: illinois_mom
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:14pm
She is only 14 years old. They were discussing oral sex and chatting quite sexually to each other over the phone. I do not know their relationship as I was under the impression they were just good friends!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: illinois_mom
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 7:43pm

I would consider it an opportunity to have a discussion with your dd about these matters-not implying that you havent ever spoken to her before this about sex, but it is always more meaningful when there is the actual potential of something happening

I dont think many teens consider oral sex to be 'sex'. And I dont blame ole Bill ;) I think when we talk about 'sex', they are not even connecting what we are saying with that particular act. Connect the dots for her with all the necessary warnings about STDs

There have been several threads on the board from moms of boys(Im one of them)who will tell you some things never change. "Those girls" are still "those girls" in the minds of many boys.

I dont think girls get that-they think we're old fashioned and boys will think they are all that if they are free wheeling with the sexual favors but I think they will be deeply disappointed if they think the boys are looking for anything deeper than temporary fun and games

Punishment? I wouldn't punish her but tighten up the supervision in general and let her know why you are doing it

JHMO

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
In reply to: illinois_mom
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 8:17pm

I agree with windrush in everything she said.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: illinois_mom
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 9:05am

I agree with windrush and Pam on this one.

First off, the old double standard and "bad rep" is still alive and well in boys' minds - mom of sons speaking here. My sons are a little older now - 19-22 y/o, but when they were in high school, I would hear them and their friends talking about the girls who were "friendly" and who were known to "put out." It was pretty apparent that the guys had zero respect for those girls, including the guys who were known to go to "that kind of girl" for "favors." One of my DSs has a history of spending time with "that kind of girl" when he was 15 and 16 but who did he choose to marry? A girl who is pretty conservative, who has had ONE sexual partner - him. My DD 15 is currently dating a 16 y/o guy who apparently has a "history" much like my DS had at that age... DD is a virgin and proud of it, and remains set in her plan to wait until she's at least engaged to have sex, and b/f knew it when they started dating, and respects her choice in that area. Word among DD's friends is that T treats N better than any girl he's ever kept company with. So yeah, illinois_mom, the double standard is still alive and well.

I don't know that I'd punish DD for this, but I would tighten the reigns a little bit, provide more structure and supervision, as well as have (another) talk about self respect, STDs, and where emotions come into play when girls provide oral sex outside the scope of a serious relationship. Guys will go looking for it coz it feels good, and that's it. Girls who provide it and are expecting more are setting themselves up for heartache, because they won't get the love they're looking for from those boys, and all the other boys will also expect them to "put out."
Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: illinois_mom
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 2:19pm

I agree it might be shocking but it MIGHT have just been sexual banter with no real intent behind it. Maybe it was her form of flirting, as weird as that may sound. Perhaps she doesn't know any better -- thinks its just *talking* and as long as they aren't doing anything "what's the big deal". Not that I agree with her, just giving you another possibility. The possibility is that there has been no sex and no serious intent to perform the act but that she is teasing the kid...seriously.

Even if it was only talk, you need to set her straight about respecting herself. Its perfectly normal for a girl to feel the feelings she probably is...not only boys have raging hormones at this age. I have very clear memories of my own feelings and desires at that age and it can be very very confusing ESP when standards about what males and females can do about those feelings vary so much.

I don't know what punishment is appropriate, honestly. It depends on her overall behaviour and whether this is just an anomaly or not and what explanation she offers. Maybe its just a "strike one" deal -- let her know you are watching her and that you expect her to be a little more respectful of herself in future.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: illinois_mom
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 5:54pm

Also agree that this is not an opportunity to punish but to open the lines of communication a wee bit wider between you and your dd. It is important that she knows what your feelings are about this behavior. It is important that you do NOT use shame or humiliation when you're teaching her about respecting herself and her space. It is very important she knows she can come to you without fear of anger, punishment or unreasonable consequences should she need to talk with you about this further.

I strongly suggest you seek out some reading materials if you're unsure of what to say, how to broach the topic with dd, as well as learn how to guage your feelings and reactions to her behavior. Many times as parents we hear this kind of stuff and all we can think of is that we want it to stop (which is very understandable). However, I think that when we really find out where the kids are coming from, which sex talk is 'banter' and which is 'real', it helps us to figure out an appropriate reaction.

Best of luck -

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2005
In reply to: illinois_mom
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 12:42pm

I agree with the others that there should probably be no punishment, per se.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: illinois_mom
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:03pm

Punishment? I wouldn't punish my child for this. I would rather focus on educating her about ALL the ramifications of her behavior - not just STD's and pregnancy but the emotional, religious(if you believe a certain faith), consequences to future relationships, etc. I would also educate her on birth control and STD prevention. I would explain to her that I don't feel she is ready for this step and that as a result of my concerns that I will be making it my business to watch her a little more closely. Make sure she is where she says she will be and is with the people she said she would be with and double check about parental supervision when she is at someone else's home. I would also make it very, very clear that if she insists on having sex then she will need birth control and that you don't want her sneaking around to obtain it. Hiding that sort of information from you only leads to a more distrustful relationship. I had to take my DD and get birth control for her. She knew I didn't approve and she also knew that my doing this for her was in no way giving my permission - it was simply a matter of keeping her safe. My abstinence education continued and she ultimately decided having sex was not in her best interest.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2007
In reply to: illinois_mom
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:34pm

I think punishment would destroy trust in what could be a bonding experience for you and your daughter.

You don’t have to approve, but you are her mother. Your first concern should be to protect her. While you can’t protect her heart, you can protect her from pregnancy.

I suggest stressing the importance of condom usage and using a backup birth control method should be your primary concern.

I don’t have children yet, but this is what I am trying to get through to my niece.

Lin

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