Teen Sex - Should a Break-Up be forced
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| Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:40pm |
My son is dating a girl whose parents do not have an issue with 'them' having sex. We raised our son with 'better' values. Sex is something special between a husband and a wife. My son is 17, his girlfriend is 16. We are trying to figure out how to handle the situation and would appreciate advice from others.
We have an 11 year old daughter who I do not want having sex in 5 years and want her to know that it is wrong (per our values) to be having sex at such a young age, but if we 'allow' our 17 year old to continue, how can we not allow our 11 year old in a few years.
Should we prohibit our son from seeing this girl? Talking with her parents would go nowhere since they do not have a problem with it. They have even committed that they were going to put her on birth control. I was shocked by that phone call and could not even believe it.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I understand how angry and hurt you are but forcing a break up is not the answer. He's 17 and if he feels sex at this age is okay, then if it's not with this girl then it will be with the next g/f. Or he will simply sneak around behind your back and see her. I really don't think you want to encourage him to lie to you like that and it's possible that he will see it as your forcing him to lie.
As a parent of a DD that became sexually active at 16, I felt that I had to put all my personal feelings aside and put her on birth control. It was one of the hardest things I ever did as a parent. I also continued with my abstinence education with her. Putting her on birth control was not my way of condoning this and she knew it. It was my way of protecting her. It was shortly after this that I realized that all teens face this decision and then I got to thinking about ways to help educate more than just my child b/c judging from the teen pregnancy rate among her peers this message wasn't sticking. I talked with my pastor and we decided to at least make sure that our youth were routinely given a Christian perspective on this. Since then we've had two series of programs devoted to abstinence. DD is no longer sexually active and she's still with the same b/f. Through these programs she realized that she wasn't ready for all the emotional consequences that go along with it. I accept the fact that my DD is very stubborn and has to learn most lessons on her own and unfortunately, this is one of those that she had to learn for herself. I'm just very thankful that she didn't get pregnant while she was learning that hard lesson. So please don't blame thtis girl's mother. I seriously doubt that they approve of this but simply that they want to keep her from making an even bigger, longer-lasting mistake.
In reference to your 11 year old DD, it would be highly inappropriate for her to know that her brother is sexually active. DD's older sister saw her birth control pills and asked me about them. I referred her to her sister explaining that it was not my place to discuss her sister's private health issues with her. I think the oldest DD didn't want to know and didn't pursue it any further. You also stated asked how can you not allow her to do it if you let him. You are "letting" him do this. It is his choice based on his personal values and beliefs. Don't take that to mean that I think you've failed to instill good values b/c I'm sure you've done a wonderful job - just like I have. My mom once told me that different children have different needs so she never really believed in parenting us all exactly the same way. She tried to always be fair and impartial while recognizing that we are each individuals. I would deal with her when and if the need arose. Make sure that you start (if you haven't already) making sure she understands your values and beliefs. Take her to a sex ed program that teaches abstinence when she's a little older. Our local hospital offers them for young teens and their parents.
Take some time to think this through and calm down before you talk to DS. Also you might want to check out the Parents of Sexually Active Teens board. Most of them are in the same boat you are in and can offer some really excellent advice.
Good Luck!
My advice is to talk to your son about your morals and values and why you think people should wait until marriage to have sex. Make it clear that you love him whether he chooses to follow your advice or not. Discuss the method of birth control that he is using and urge him to use condoms even if his gf is on birth control, to help prevent STDs and BC failures. You can make it clear that you do not condone him having sex but even more you do not want him to become a father. Please try to have these discussions in a calm rational way so you do not shut down the lines of communication.
Like the previous poster said, trying to force a break-up may just result in him sneaking and lying. You can establish house rules, such as he is not to have sex in your house or how much affection may be displayed in your home, but you cannot control what other parents allow in their homes. IMO the gf's parents did the responsible thing in getting her on birth control; once a teen decides they want to start having sex they need to have protection or at least access to protection. A determined teen will find a way regardless of parents' attempts to prohibit it so better to protect the teen than to hope that you can prevent the act from occuring.
As for your 11yo dd, how would she find out that her brother was sexually active? I wouldn't think that he would share that sort of thing with her now because of the age difference unless she is very precocious. That is another conversation to have with him, if you think that he doesn't know what is appropriate to discuss with an 11yo.
Good luck with this. Many parents go through this dilemma so know that you are not alone.
I agree that making the BF/GF forbidden fruit is ineffective and even makes that party look more enticing at an age where they are trying NOT to be like their parents!
Also, please dont fool yourself into making this be about THAT girl and her family. She cant have sex by herself; your son must be a willing participant. My first love was deeply religious and would not engage in sex before marriage; I was a virgin but easily would have agreed when the relationship got serious; I didnt push it but surely he sensed I would have caved. Yet he was able to make the choice to stick to his values(shortly after we broke up, BTW, his brother became engaged because HIS GF was pregnant-so obviously it isnt ALL about the parenting-even within a deeply religious family, kids turn out unique)
Express to him the well thought out reasons you prefer he wait and discuss condoms, including how and where to obtain them.
And no reason for DD to know what's going on-apples and oranges
Just a thought. Do you know for a fact that her parents aren't having talks with her about how they feel? Just because it seems that they are just dismissing this as okay could be another story behind the scenes.
I have a 19 daughter who has been dating her b/f for two years, he is 18. About a year into the relationship, we found out they had had sex. Her and I had many, many talks on the subject, we wanted her to wait till marriage, and now knowing his parents a littel better, they wanted the same for their son. My daughter was already on birth control for health problems. I talked to my daughter and she said she always wanted to wait for marriage. They actually had thought this through and talked about it, they said they knew it was right for them, they are talking marriage. His mother talked to him and said she could not say she condoned it and would not give them opportunity or make it easy. And then just had a talk with him. but never once did either set of parents consider telling them to break up, we both knew that would only make things worse. Now they are both over 18 and though we love them and want the best for them, they are adults and we really don't have much say anymore. They are good kids, they are smart and they are very careful. This is a choice they made. It all has worked out.
Could it be that her parents may have done the same?
Andie
We all raise our kids with values and morals in which we firmly believe hoping that they will follow them and value them as much as we do. However, ultimately, in the end, we are each beings with our own free will and an ability and desire and necessity to make our own decisions. Its part of growing up.
You have clearly expressed your beliefs to your son regarding premarital sex. I'm sure he knows what you feel and why you feel that way. Now its up to him to make up his own mind on this matter and decide how he will proceed.
He may decide to wait, as per how you raised him, or he may not. So I think you have to be prepared for both possibilities. In the event he does decide to have premarital sex, he should have all the information necessary to protect himself from STD's and to prevent pregnancy.
Good luck and consider that having sex with a young girl he loves is not the worst thing he could do. I sense that this is a steady and monogamous relationship. My 15 yo dd has not even had her first boyfriend yet and I'm not sure HOW I will deal with the potential of sex at that point. But to me, as long as my dd is not promiscuous and irresponsible and recognizes the seriousness of such a step I guess I will have to respect her decisions because, in the end, I too had to make this decision at one time in my life and frankly I didn't even ASK my parents because I felt it was none of their business.
We went through this with our ds this past spring. We have always had a very open and honest relationship with him. He and his gf started dating last November and our ds always told us it wasn't serious it was just for fun. He told us that he didn't want a sexual relationship, that he wasn't ready. We were very happy to hear that since we have been preaching abstinence and trying to keep the focus on college. Of course that didn't happen. We found out last spring that they had been having a sex but at least they were using birth control. We were so disappointed. This was his senior year and his grades took a dive and we're not sure if it was from the gf or from senioritis. The gf isn'tsomeone we would have imagined for our ds - her family has different values that we do. We have stressed the importance of education and college from the time ds was small and the gf comes from a family where college isn't even discussed.
We figured once he left for college (2 1/2 hours away) the relationship would cool off and they would break up since the gf is a senior in hs. As far as we can tell the relationship is still going strong and he has even snuck home once to see her. He even told us he's planning on coming home to take her to her hs homecoming dance. We have stopped fighting with him about the gf since there is no way he'll even listen to anything we have to say about the gf. We found the more we fought him about the gf the more we were pushing him away. And we know that if we make him choose between us and the gf he will of course pick the gf so we don't even want to go there. We miss our ds very much....... He is now 18 yrs old and if this is the girl he wants to date there is nothing we can do or say to deter him (no matter how much we think this girl is bad news!). All we can do is pray that he does well in college and eventually figure out that he really doesn't have much in common with the gf. And it really has helped our sanity by taking a step back and to let him make his own choices.
Good Luck!
I was sexually active at 15 with my first boyfriend who was 20. It was not what my parents wanted but there was no way they could control it or stop us. So she took me to get on the pill and we talked about love and respect and being careful. On july 1st 2006 I married that guy.
I would talk to your son about condoms and birth control and being responsible. You have your values and he has his, you may want him to have yours but he won't. Also, he is 17 meaning in less than 1 year he will be 18 and a legal adult, if he has sex with this girl, he will have sex with his next girlfriend if you break them up.
Glad things worked out for you. Just wondering if you would be comfortable letting your own 15 y.o. have sex with a man. I'm asking because I know many moms that regret their decision to have sex so early and would not want their dd's to make the same mistake. But you seem so confident in your decision, no regrets, (athough it may be too soon to have them) so I'm wondering what your position is on your own teens having sex (although you are probably a long way from that).
I think the others summed it up pretty well.