Teen Stalker/harasser?
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| Fri, 08-10-2007 - 8:58am |
Hi All: I wanted to get your opinion about a problem that my dd is having. My dd is 16 and just told me this morning about a boy who she has known for a couple of years through school who appears to be either harassing or possibly stalking her. She has never dated this boy but knows him from being in classes together.
Well, this morning I woke up and looked outside and noticed that on her car in the driveway that some orange road cones had been placed on top of her car along with this big orange road barrier placed behind it...then ones used in construction. There was a note on the windshield which was kind of hard to read since it had rained last night. The note just said "hey bitch, better return dem cones to us. From Sasquatch" At first we were laughing at seeing this outside but then my dd started getting creeped out. When I asked her if she knew who did this, she said she had no idea and didn't think it was any of her girlfriends as a joke. Then she told me of this boy who I guess has been calling her incessantly on her cell, texting her, and also IMing her, sometimes up to 12 times a day for each. She said that it's gotten really annoying and she tries to ignore the calls. She also said that one night recently he showed up at her friend's house when he found out that my dd was their for the evening...just showed up in his car. She and her friend told him to leave. My dd told me this morning that last night a boy she knows (not well, just a mutual aquaintance but a friend of this other kid) called her and asked what she was doing. She said that she was kind of surprised that this kid called her and had told that she had just gotten home. Then this morning we found this outside. My dd thinks that this friend of the boy was calling to see if she was home so that they could pull this prank. The part that's REALLY concerning me is the constant phone calling and texting, etc, and now this. I told her to try not react to much to this, that maybe no reaction is the best way of handling it. I'm assuming that this is what he is looking for...a reaction. I also suggested that when he calls or texts not not answer. I'm concerned that this could be the beginning of a problem that could escalate. Has anyone's dd had a similar problem? How did you handle it? Did it work? Thank you SO much.
Diane

My dd had a boy that was sending her e-mails and putting note in her locker, luckily it didn't escalate, but I did talk to the assistant principal at her school, just to let him know what was going on in case he saw anything. At least he knew that dd wouldn't willingly be talking to or going anywhere with this boy.
There is one mom here that has experience with this kind of situation and hopefully she will be along soon and post. I'm sure she will have some advice for you.
Good luck and be sure your dd keeps herself safe.
Kristie
Hi there:
Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate your input on this. I may have to go to the police station and fill them in on this and see what they say. I'm also a bit concerned that I start off by filing a report that it could turn nasty and it will get worse for my dd. I hate to say that because my dd's wellfare comes first. Maybe if I call the police, they might have tips on how to initially handle this and they will also have on record my call so that if I have to file something later, they will know about it. Unfortunately, we don't have proof that he was the one who left the construction cones...just a suspicion. So, the police might say that unless our dd was threatened, they can't really do much. At least that's what I read on the web. They handle harrassment and stalking as two separate things...stalking is when you are threatened. I'm going to tell my dd to keep a record of calls, texts, etc. God, I hope this doesn't get worse. I look forward to hearing from any other parents on this too.
DD needs to be clear she isnt interested in him. Im not clear from your post that she has sent that message to him yet. If she has AT ALL texted him back or spoken on the phone with him, he could, in pure naive innocence, think she is interested in him. These are kids, after all, and many boys aren't the quickest to mature
Thanks for your help with this. My dd has made it very clear to this boy that she is not interested in him at all but I think when she did this, he's just gotten more persistent and nasty. I also told my dd that she should ignore his messages and texts and maybe he will eventually back off. She told me that she has already been ignoring him for a while...not answering her cell when he calls or replying to any of his texts. She said that the other night when she went to a girlfriend's house, he tried to track her down and couldn't find out from anyone where she was, so he drove to each of her friends' houses to see if her car was there. I guess he contacted one of her friends and told the friend this. I'm trying to keep a record of his calls and texts, etc. I'm going to suggest that she ask her girlfriends to not talk to him either.
I'm going to call the police station on Monday and make an inquiry about what to do about this. What a mess...
If she has been clear with him-and has stopped answering his texts and calls-then I agree that this is 'above and beyond', especially the driving from house to house to look for her car.
Hopefully, the police will have some good advice-maybe they could talk to his parents? I'd sure be keeping my son under close surveillance if the police showed up on my doorstep, however politely.
This is going to sound crazy, but my dd was stalked/harassed by her ex-best friend and her mother for almost 6 months. DD was 11/12 at the time. The ex-best friend was really possesive and wouldn't let dd hang around with any other friends, so dd decided she had had enough and started being with other people. This ticked exbf off and the girls got into a blowout. Her mother started calling all dd's friends and their parents and telling all sorts of lies. The mother went to the school on the hunt for dd. She sent older/bigger kids to school and our house to "take care of dd". She attacked dd at the roller skating rink. She would drive repeatedly up and down our street. This women was terrifying (I should add about a month before this started I had saved the woman from a suicide attempt). Things were complicated because we lived on an army/air force base in Germany (she is a German married to an airman). They were Air Force, we were Army. It was nuts. The only way I ever got any resolution was to get our congresswoman involved!!
I kept a detailed report with dates and times - I kept a running log of everything that happened (whether they did anything to us or said anything, or everytime they drove down our street, etc). I also logged any witnesses. I also had dd carry a handheld recorder, plus she had her camera phone (yes she was 11 but circumstances warranted her having a cell at the time). I also had a recording of a telephone call (this woman has a VERY distinctive voice) where this woman was quite clear that "she hoped dd and I died and she was going to get her @$$ kicked etc" - again 42 year old woman vs. 11 year old girl. I also went to our base police station with every incident. I went to the school with every school incident and kept them very aware of everything that was happening with the craziness. It was really insane.
Through it all, make sure your dd is okay. Our incident has really stuck with dd and I really didn't know it did :( She has started seeing a counselor for everything going on in our lives right now and I guess her first session they talked A LOT about that craziness. About how now, she's scared for someone to not like her and has an abnormal hatred for someone not liking her - she's convinced everyone has to like her or it will happen again.
Good luck and definitely go to the cops, no matter how often they roll their eyes at you. I am not a "fit thrower" at all, but I really had to turn into a royal witch to get anything accomplished in our matter. I even looked up all the laws that were being broken and listed them out in my 10 page report LMAO....
Oh my gosh, I can't believe this happened to you. That's just awful. I certainly sounds like this woman was mentally unstable. It's just shocking that a grown woman would go after an 11 year like that. I hope your dd is okay and that the counseling will help her with any fears she has about friends, etc. I can't say I blame how your dd feels...I would feel the same way as well if someone did this to me.
I just had a conversation with my niece this weekend who is in college. I wondered if she had gone thru anything similar in the past. Evidently she had experience a similar situation and this is what she told me. I think her advice makes sense since the first thing to do is to tell him what our next step will be if he keeps harrassing our dd. She said the following: (I changed my dd's name for privacy reasons)
"So here's my advice. For starters, it depends on how old this guy is. If he is Sarah's age then it should be pretty easy for her to be assertive and scare him off. If he is older, then its a more delicate matter. Unfortunately, I have found that giving no response and simply ignoring does not work. These guys are sketchy and are just searching for a reaction, so if no reaction is given then they begin to escalate their behavior to a shocking level. Ignoring and pretending it isn't happening, has gotten me in way over my head before. Sarah should sit down and write a brief curt note, whether on email or on facebook. The note should be demanding and to the point... with a warning at the end. essentially saying, "in the beginning your attention was a bit flattering, but now it has escalated to the point where i feel harassed, so if you don't back the f*** off, I will get a restraining order." As harsh and intense as that may seem, it is really the only way to stop the attention. I learned quickly in my 19 years, that some guys are just vile, dense, and can absolutely not take a hint. So instead of hinting at that outcome you want, you literally have to spell it out. If this guy is young, a threat of a restraining order will scare the crap out of him, and I am sure his sketchy behavior will cease immediately".
I'm sure that my niece and my sister were given this advice by someone else who had gone thru a similar situation. So, I'm going to suggest that my dd tries this tactic and if it doesn't work, then I'm contacting the police.