teenage dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
teenage dating
9
Tue, 03-13-2007 - 11:58pm
My 15 year old daughter is being controlled by her boyfriend. I have found her crying because he is being overbearing and arguing about her doing something she wants that he doesn't want her to do.
I have explained to her how unhealthy a relationship this is but she tells me she really likes him anyway, reguardless of his jealous behavior.
I don't know where to go to show her information on this type of boyfriend...any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
In reply to: dpatsos
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 7:33am
I'm not sure where you can get the info online, but I do have first hand experience with a b/f like that. The relationship lasted for about 18 months, and ended when he put me in the ER with cracked ribs. The only reason I stayed as long as I did, I think, is coz he could be the most romantic, sweet man (he was 26, I was 22) I'd ever met. He could also be the most demeaning, violent man I'd ever spent time with... but one lives for the good times in those relationships, just because they are SOOO good. I've often said, DH has never treated me as well as that b/f did, but he's also never treated me as badly.
Rose
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: dpatsos
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 11:56am

I've been there and it is so scary to watch your DD go through this. I learned that as long as she continues to see him this is going to happen. All you can do is subtley encourage her to be herself. When she does something that you admire, point it out to her that that's one of the qualities that you really like in her. Remember also that you are the parent and she's just 15 - you still have some control over what she does and who she does it with. We had to make a weekend rule that she could see b/f one night and other friends the other (b/f not included). This allowed her some time to be herself and eventually he broke up with her b/c she was choosing to spend her other night with friends that included several single guys and yes, she cheated on him. Despite being broken up he continued to try to manipulate and control her. Her even physically threatened her (tampered with her car and other things). Finally his grandmother and I met with the school principle and made it clear to him that if there was any contact whatsoever between the two of them, they were BOTH to be punished. Principle had a long talk with both of them. Grandma talked to the boy and I talked to DD and made it very clear she would be in major trouble if she accepted a note, phone call or even a wave in the hall from him. They both needed time apart to allow the break-up to become emotionally real and for them both to realize he could not control her anymore. DD is 18 and the guy is 19 and they occassionally talk now - just to say hey how are you.

I hope this helps and good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
In reply to: dpatsos
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 1:42pm
Thank you for your response, I was contemplating whether or not to call his parents and discuss the problem with them...I like the weekend plan also, she has been disreguarding her friends because of this boy...time to put my foot down- Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
In reply to: dpatsos
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 2:11pm

I don't know that calling his parents now is a good idea or not. I've learned that not all parents see things the way I see them. I called his grandma after they broke up and he was still manipulating her. I used the approach that he couldn't possibly be concentrating on his education if he spent all day writing her notes. I also took some of the notes to show her so she could see the manipulation.

I would definitely stick with insisting that she maintain a relationship with her friends. She will need them when this relationship ends!

Also know that she might not like you for a while if you insist that she not spend all her time with him. That was so hard for me to do. She really was cold for a very long time but she later admitted (not to me) to one of her friends that I was right and it was exactly what she needed.
Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2006
In reply to: dpatsos
Wed, 03-14-2007 - 4:04pm
I can relate to your problem, only mine was with DS. In high school he dated a very manipulative, controlling girl. She would break up with him knowing that he would beg her to stay with him. She sort of controlled their group of friends and if anyone in the group talked or had social contact with outsiders she made sure they were shunned and ridiculed. He joined the swim team, and I thought great, something to do away from her, only to have her sign up as a manager. No matter how much I talked to my son and tried to get him to see this it didn't work. He was very angry all the time, just not the same young man I had known previously. Finally I gave up because it seemed to only be making him more stubborn about seeing her. I think boys are different than girls like that, they want to exert their independence. At least in my experience. I did make him get a job though, not because he needed the money, but because it meant less time with her and also because he met people from outside his high school. This really helped alot. He realized he wasn't so much of a misfit as this girl had led him to believe, and that other girls were interested in him. It really boosted his self esteem and he started to see her controlling manipulative ways. Finally she played her break up game with him once too often and he didn't beg her back, boy was she surprised. Of course then she spread all kinds of stories about my son, and said he broke up with her right before prom leaving her without a date. I didn't care, I knew the real story and I was just so glad he was rid of her. Even my DD noticed the difference in him immediately, he was so much happier and more the young man we had known before. My advice would be to have your daughter maintain the friendships with her girl friends, get her involved in something that does not involve boyfriend, and limit the amount of time they spend together. Even if she is mad at you now because you make excuses why she can't see him, it is worth it when they wake up. What really woke my son up too was that some of his friends starting telling him the same things I had been telling him for over a year. He admits now that I was right, and that getting the job was the best thing he could have done. Good luck, its hard to watch them make mistakes and be hurt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
In reply to: dpatsos
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 8:34pm
Well...with Gods luck, I haven't called yet...thanks for the help...I'll keep u posted...;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2007
In reply to: dpatsos
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 8:36pm
Thank you...I hope I get through to my dd
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
In reply to: dpatsos
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 11:14pm

I think the advice you got about insisting that she limit their time together and spend more time with other friends in other environments is excellent. There is nothing to highlight how bad a relationship is like comparison shopping if you know what I mean. She needs to find out that there are other boys out there who aren't controlling and jealous and mainpulative.

Now, take this for what its worth because I'm going to give you my gut reaction which is very much rooted in a strong Italian heritage background. Maybe this boy needs to learn a little lesson or get a taste of his own medicine. Is there a strong male presence around who can have a very pointed discussion with this boy about his behaviour? I know I'm sounding Tony Soprano here but I think about girls who have older brothers around, for example, and how boys know not to mess with these girls or they will catch it from the big brother. Nothing like a little good old fashioned fear to set a person straight.

Might be worth a shot to let the boy know that she is being watched over...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
In reply to: dpatsos
Sun, 03-18-2007 - 1:19am
Just read your letter regarding your teenage daughter and it hit home like a ton of bricks! Wish I could say I was "out of the woods" but I am one year into that type of relationship only my daughter is 17 and he is 21.
If there is any advice I could give you it is to "nip this relationship in the bud" so to speak.
My daughter has been "married" to her boyfriend for a year. At first, he was her knight in shining armour; bringing her flowers, cards and "I love you's" after the first week-she was swept off her feet, especially after being broken hearted by another boy.
But the tables turned shortly thereafter. My daughter, sad to say, equates his controlling behavior as a sign that he "loves her". She has detached herself from all her friends and was seeing him about every night. We made her get a job to separate them at least a few nights a week but in the end my daugher is an emotional basket case. She is so insecure it's frightening and I could kick myself for not listening to my husband and first and foremost limiting their time together.
There is a great book out called "But He Loves Me" which will give you signs to look for and good solutions to try.
But-good luck because until she learns to love herself above him and his controlling behavior you may, like my daughter, have her sneaking around knowing we weren't happy with the situation.
At her age a boyfriend, especially an older one, will try his best but with encouraging parents and friends who "build her up" she, I hope,she will see (as I hope my daughter does soon) that going out in groups is much healthier.