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| Tue, 03-13-2007 - 11:58pm |
My 15 year old daughter is being controlled by her boyfriend. I have found her crying because he is being overbearing and arguing about her doing something she wants that he doesn't want her to do.
I have explained to her how unhealthy a relationship this is but she tells me she really likes him anyway, reguardless of his jealous behavior.
I don't know where to go to show her information on this type of boyfriend...any advice?
I have explained to her how unhealthy a relationship this is but she tells me she really likes him anyway, reguardless of his jealous behavior.
I don't know where to go to show her information on this type of boyfriend...any advice?

Rose
I've been there and it is so scary to watch your DD go through this. I learned that as long as she continues to see him this is going to happen. All you can do is subtley encourage her to be herself. When she does something that you admire, point it out to her that that's one of the qualities that you really like in her. Remember also that you are the parent and she's just 15 - you still have some control over what she does and who she does it with. We had to make a weekend rule that she could see b/f one night and other friends the other (b/f not included). This allowed her some time to be herself and eventually he broke up with her b/c she was choosing to spend her other night with friends that included several single guys and yes, she cheated on him. Despite being broken up he continued to try to manipulate and control her. Her even physically threatened her (tampered with her car and other things). Finally his grandmother and I met with the school principle and made it clear to him that if there was any contact whatsoever between the two of them, they were BOTH to be punished. Principle had a long talk with both of them. Grandma talked to the boy and I talked to DD and made it very clear she would be in major trouble if she accepted a note, phone call or even a wave in the hall from him. They both needed time apart to allow the break-up to become emotionally real and for them both to realize he could not control her anymore. DD is 18 and the guy is 19 and they occassionally talk now - just to say hey how are you.
I hope this helps and good luck!!
I don't know that calling his parents now is a good idea or not. I've learned that not all parents see things the way I see them. I called his grandma after they broke up and he was still manipulating her. I used the approach that he couldn't possibly be concentrating on his education if he spent all day writing her notes. I also took some of the notes to show her so she could see the manipulation.
I would definitely stick with insisting that she maintain a relationship with her friends. She will need them when this relationship ends!
Also know that she might not like you for a while if you insist that she not spend all her time with him. That was so hard for me to do. She really was cold for a very long time but she later admitted (not to me) to one of her friends that I was right and it was exactly what she needed.
Good Luck!
I think the advice you got about insisting that she limit their time together and spend more time with other friends in other environments is excellent. There is nothing to highlight how bad a relationship is like comparison shopping if you know what I mean. She needs to find out that there are other boys out there who aren't controlling and jealous and mainpulative.
Now, take this for what its worth because I'm going to give you my gut reaction which is very much rooted in a strong Italian heritage background. Maybe this boy needs to learn a little lesson or get a taste of his own medicine. Is there a strong male presence around who can have a very pointed discussion with this boy about his behaviour? I know I'm sounding Tony Soprano here but I think about girls who have older brothers around, for example, and how boys know not to mess with these girls or they will catch it from the big brother. Nothing like a little good old fashioned fear to set a person straight.
Might be worth a shot to let the boy know that she is being watched over...
If there is any advice I could give you it is to "nip this relationship in the bud" so to speak.
My daughter has been "married" to her boyfriend for a year. At first, he was her knight in shining armour; bringing her flowers, cards and "I love you's" after the first week-she was swept off her feet, especially after being broken hearted by another boy.
But the tables turned shortly thereafter. My daughter, sad to say, equates his controlling behavior as a sign that he "loves her". She has detached herself from all her friends and was seeing him about every night. We made her get a job to separate them at least a few nights a week but in the end my daugher is an emotional basket case. She is so insecure it's frightening and I could kick myself for not listening to my husband and first and foremost limiting their time together.
There is a great book out called "But He Loves Me" which will give you signs to look for and good solutions to try.
But-good luck because until she learns to love herself above him and his controlling behavior you may, like my daughter, have her sneaking around knowing we weren't happy with the situation.
At her age a boyfriend, especially an older one, will try his best but with encouraging parents and friends who "build her up" she, I hope,she will see (as I hope my daughter does soon) that going out in groups is much healthier.