Teenage Daughter Confidence Problems?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2011
Teenage Daughter Confidence Problems?
12
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 5:39pm

Happens a lot I know but my daughter has actually become MORE confident in her appearance lately, but problems still arise.

She was excited over Halloween this year and was uncomfortable with the "slut-undertone" her friend had said there must be at the halloween party. However she made her own changed (she is nearly 15 and knows how to sew, ect) and got a long black maxidress. She cut a slit up the side but was aghast at hoe wide it went and made a web design with shoelaces in order to keep it held together while keeping up with the rest of the party.

However now she is getting down, complaining that like last year and the year before everyone is going to turn up in leotards or crop tops with tiny shorts again with just animal ears and she thinks she is going to be the "odd one out". I told her she could wear the leotard is she wanted, I didn't mind but she said "no because it'll be too cold for that and I'll get weird people looking at me..." I knew she would give this answer because half the reason under it is that I know she might actually if she had smaller thighs. She did horseriding and does ballet and I think she's got fine legs but of course there are a punch of model stick figures at school. She is lovely though with a nice figure due to good genes from the other side of the family. However she thinks her tummy pokes out a bit. She says "I know it's not fat and it's a flat tummy but it juts out and looks like fat".

Obviously I don't WANT her wearing leotards or crop tops but it would be nice if she was not wearing them soley for impracticalities and not for "problems" with her figure.

The min issue is that after all the tailoring and all the work on the dress she isn't sure if she wants to wear it, or even go anymore. She was very excited at having a "project" to complete (she set herself little tasks like fixing her GameBoy Color, just because she likes that kind of thing. I don't put her up to it) and now it is completed she feels that she is going to go and be the odd one out AGAIN who didn't come in skimpy clothes or leotard and that the pictures will go up on FaceBook and she will get laughed at....

Any way to get her past this? I think she did an excellent job on the dress and it would be a shame if she didn't get to wear it after all her work. She was proud of it and happy to wear it too until all her friends said they were dressing up in a leotard with puppy ears to be a "dog", or likewise with rabbit ears or cat ears (with maybe a tail too)...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 9:47pm

Our daughters are 18 and 19.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 9:13pm
I'll try "quick reply", my regular post won't show up-grrr
I tried to ask a couple of times today IF it might be possible for DD to wear her wonderful costume she made to the earlier part of the evening and for Trick or Treat and then skip the overnight?
Not sure why my posts keep getting sucked into oblivion.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 6:00pm

Yep, this was true of DD's friends at that age. About half were still skinny, but the other half were built like grown women.

Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 2:00pm
14-year-olds aren't that flat-chested and scrawny. The majority of DD's 14/15 year old friends are fully grown and quite curvy. My DD was a later bloomer so it was always somewhat shocking to me how old her friends looked next to her! Then I think back and I was fully grown and in my adult bra size at 13. But yes, I can see 10-year-olds doing the doggy ears and leotard thing and it not looking trashy but 14 is really pushing it. Good response to the facebook picutres aspect.
Avatar for turtletime
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-1998
Thu, 10-20-2011 - 1:43pm

Sounds like it's really less about body image and more discomfort in going to a party with expectations that she wear something sexy. Maybe she's right to pass on this one if "slut-undertone" is the direction the party is going. This is an important age where kids make choices about what scenes they want to be part of. If her gut is saying "this doesn't feel right", she should listen to it.

I don't know that your DD has a confidence issue really. We all have our own fashion tastes and yes, we consider our bodies when we make choices. Running around in a leotard when not in a dance class is just tacky no matter how great your body is. I think most women would feel that way. My DD doesn't have an extra ounce of fat on her and she wouldn't do that despite her being very confident about her body.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 10:42pm

I have a 22 yr old DD.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-1998
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 8:29pm

Have you ever read "Queen Bees and Wannabees" or "Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads?" One of these books, or perhaps both, talk about the phenomenon of slutty Halloween attire and how that's the only time girls can dress

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 8:26pm

What wise words!

My kids have never understood the idea that Halloween is a chance to dress like a slut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2011
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 6:17pm
Will do! Thanks for your help :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 10-19-2011 - 6:09pm
Hmm - well if they tease her for her costume then she may want to reconsider the friends she's hanging with. Better to surround yourself with people that build each other up instead of tear each other down. The early teen years are hard enough without your friends making fun of you! Good luck and hopefully you'll get some better advice from the moms of girls. Let us know how it goes.
Pam

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