Teenage Drinking - BTDT Advice???????

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Teenage Drinking - BTDT Advice???????
15
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 2:05am

By all apperances my 16 year old DS is "the" guy.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 11:03am

This is difficult, isn't it?

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 6:03pm

If 3/4 of his friends drink, then it's time for new friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 8:06pm

Thanks for the perspective it helps to hear from someone who has managed to raise teens into responsible adults.

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 04-13-2012 - 8:18pm

Telling your child "You can tell me ANYTHING" does not mean that there won't be consequences. What it DOES mean, is that you will help him in any way possible, without being judgmental, but that he will still have to face the music. Your child needs to know that up front. Say your child told you he stole. You don't ignore that, you don't keep it a secret, you don't help him evade the law. You say, I will go with you to the person you stole from. I will stand next to you while you apologize, and go with you to the police, if that is what happens. I won't scream at you, I won't think you are bad, and I will always love you--BUT what you did is wrong, and you need to face up to that.

PS: A lot of times, our kids tell us these kinds of things because they want to do the right thing, but they need a little help doing it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2008
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 8:34am
Having raised one daughter and making is thru the whole *drinking* and *honesty* phase..I know it can be difficult when your teenager tells you something that you really don't want to hear. Our relationship with our older daughter (she is 26 now, married and very successful), was good while she was in High School. She did drink occasionally, and we were aware of that. She was very responsible, good grades, held down a job from the age of 15, her own car (which she bought with her own money), and she was brutally honest with us. I don't' think I would change a thing about the relationship we had then, or have now. It worked for us, but that does NOT mean that type of relationship works for everyone. I wanted to add that I have been working at our local High School for over 12 years, and I see so many teens who are headed down the , all in drinking or drugs, in fact...she is involved in projects to help teens find alternatives...called *Natural Highs*. I guess the only advice that I can offer is to try to make sure that you do keep the honesty going, because its important to keep the communication open, but at the same time...you have to be the parent, and set the rules that you feel are best for the circumstances. Good luck..
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Sat, 04-14-2012 - 9:53pm
Open relationships are good & talking is great, however driving a car after drinking is NOT allowable so forget your breathalyzer rules after the first negative test if he makes it home safely in the truck. The only rule should be if you drink, you don't drive. If you do then you lose access to the vehicle for 5 yrs! Sorry, I had to get that off my chest as a Mom of a teen with a DUI who fortunately only killed my car & hurt himself a little. Unlike a local 16 yr who recently got drunk with some bodies, took off in his parent's car, got pulled over by a cop & then attempted to drive away resulting in running over the cop & dragging him until the vehicle flipping over. Cop is dead & 16 year old is paralyzed from the neck down in the hospital facing murder charges.

I used a flexible attitude with my oldest 2 kids. Drinking age where I live is 19 & just across the border it's 18. I let them have a few drinks a home supervised by us but never with their friends in my home. I knew all their parents but found out this was a waste of time if the kids wanted to drink, parents can be the last to know as you can't be with them every minute of the day. My kids had the rule that they could call me anytime from anywhere & I would pick them up if they or their friends had been drinking. It was a contract we signed where I agreed that any discussions would be held the following day when I had time to calm down. They were straight A students, active in sports/activities & had part-time jobs. Heck, my DD was living/working in Taiwan the summer she was 17 hitting the bars every night & telling me every drink she tried. I sure didn't want her drinking period, had a problem dealing with what she was telling me but appreciated her honesty. This turned out to be her "1st yr of college phase" and her drinking basically came to an end after that summer.

Each child is different, I started with the same attitude with my last child. However, after I got a call from his 20 yr old brother telling he that my 16 yr old DS was passed out & having problems breathing. I rushed home calling 911. He was suffering from alcohol poisoning & it was then that I discovered our entire bar was empty. In the 6 mths since we had last opened it, all of the alcohol had disappeared. Over $1000 worth to give u an idea of how much. I had no idea my DS had been drinking until then. I should have recognized the signs. He was either hanging out a lot with his friends or locked away in his room. He quit his sports teams. We no longer talked but I was always in his face. He had become the counselor to all his friends & was struggling with this responsibility. I was never his friend, always his parent & my rules/supervision was strict. However, he still got a DUI at 20 escaping from a confrontation at a club - first time he had been to one. He was charged after he plowed through 2 4 ft wide cement posts and totalled my car. Thankfully, his injuries were minor & no one else had been on the street at 3 am. You don't want to go down this path. Alcohol, kids & driving don't mix. So back to what I started with. There should be no 2nd chances if a teen is stupid enough to drink & drive. In our province, a person will be charged if they have any trace of alcohol & drive in the first 5 yrs after they get their driver's license.

Sorry for the long rant! Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 2:44pm

Thanks to everyone who reminded me to be firm and especially Sabr who reminded me that it is always easier to say "my parents will kill me."

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 3:04pm

Glad it all worked out and that your ds appreciates that you were 'meanest mom in the world' that night. Also glad that no one in your community was hurt or killed due to one of the after prom parties. I don't think I replied to your original post but my now-24 yo ds went through quite the wild phase his senior year - drinking, some smoking of both pot and cigs, etc. Spent much of his senior year grounded

Pam
Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 3:24pm

I'm glad your son thanked you for being a good parent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2012
Fri, 04-20-2012 - 3:59pm

What a horrible thing to happen.

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