Teenage sex
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| Sat, 05-12-2007 - 9:53pm |
Hi all!
I am new to this forum -- looking for advise from other parents of teens - who may have been there, done that....
I am pretty emotional right now - so forgive my ramblings. I suspect that my 16 dd may be having sex with her boyfriend of four months (he is almost 18). She is a sophomore and he is senior. This is her first "steady" boyfriend and someone she claims to be "in love" with. She, my husband and I are (or have been, until recently) a very close knit family. u Being our only child - she has gotten her share of attention - and lots of love. I know the most natural thing in the world is to eventually grow away from your parents - and, until now - I have handled the separation that happens as teens grow pretty well. We have had "the" sex talk many times. We have talked about the ramifications of becoming sexually involved at a young age....we have talked ad nauseum about pregnancy, std's, etc. She is an intelligent - independent girl who seemed to have a good head on her shoulders. However, in the months that this relationship has developed - she seemed to grow more private - wanting more space. She followed curfew and always kept in touch - and knew that we wouldn't allow her home alone in our house with her bf ( his mom felt the same way). But-- as we all know - where there is a will - there is a way.
As the months of dating went on - I kept the lines of communication very open - expressing my concern over what seemed to be a prematurely serious relationship. He claims to "love her" just as much as she does him -- and they both believe that this relationship will continue far into the future.....
I told her recently - that if she ever considered having sex - she should come to me and we would discuss it. I am not ignorant to what is going on in the world around her - even in her circle of friends - I know of kids who are sexually active. She knows that her dad and I feel very strongly about abstinence - until she reaches adulthood - and has her life well on track for the future. We don't want her to have to deal with the aftermath and regret of teenage sex when and if the relationship ends.
I digress.....
to the point now.... my daughter was sick this week with a very bad cold. She is not one to beg out of going to school - only stays home if she has a fever....but this time - she said she felt very run down (and pointed out the fact that her track practice and meets were contributing to her not feeling much better) and asked if she could stay home on Wednesday. I didn't even question it - and told her to stay in bed. When I got home from work (dh and I both work- he in town and me only 6 miles away) I found her dressed with some makeup on. I thought it odd that on her sick day off - she would even bother to put makeup on..... so I asked her if she had gone out anywhere - and she said no -- she just felt like putting some on.... That's when my suspicions peaked. I asked about her bf -- if he stayed home from school that day(...mother's intuition). She didn't look me in the eye - just said...."why would he do that....he's not sick?".....never answering my question.....
I know in my heart now - that he took off from school that day as well and came over the house. I believe that is when "something" happened between them (if not before then). What sealed the deal for me s the fact that yesterday -- she started complaining about having to urinate frequently - and that it was burning....and by last night - she had a full blown bladder infection. I had to call the doc for antibiotics at midnight......
(I should note that I had a history of uti's (urinary tract infections)when I first became sexually active.....and of course my thoughts went right there. (I understand that susceptibility to uti's can be gentic).
It breaks my heart first of all to think that she has made the decision to have sex at 16 without coming to me (I know....it's not unusual...but I was hoping for more)....
She is too young in my eyes....she is still growing....physically and emotionally. My husband is devastated as am I....and when we try to talk to her......she denies it and walks away.
Signs point to the fact that this relationship has gone to another level. One that I know she is not ready for....one that I am not ready to accept....and one that is going to drive my husband to an early grave....
I need some feedback on what steps would be best to take now. Sure, I would love to forbid them to see eachother - but that is not realistic. My husband an I plan to have a family "talk" - and we will try to hold it together. I need to know if they did anything -- that there was protection (She just had her monthly, which ended early this week --so chances of pregnancy are slim to none).
I should add that we like the boy she is dating...he is sweet and respectful - overall a good guy....so if I have to talk to him too - I will.
I am feeling drained from worry - no sleep...and having to deal with my husband who is not taking this well at all.
Thanks for your input....C

I'm sorry you are going through this.
So sorry you are going through this, I can only imagine how difficult it must be, especially if you were/are close.
Thank you all so much for your input. My husband and I sat with my daughter and expressed our concerns. She just listened and didn't say much. She did not admit that she is having sex (as in intercourse) but did admit that things were going in that direction. She knows how we feel about it and I told her that when she feels she is ready - I need to take her to the gynecologist. She isn't thrilled about that possibility - so maybe it will be somewhat of a deterent.
Basically - all we can do at this point is reiterate the ramifications and explain the benefits of "waiting". She is only a sophomore for goodness sake! Two more years of high school....so much growth yet to be done. We expressed to her that she needs to focus on school, a job over the summer and college in future. Having a serious relationship at this stage of her life will be too distracting (I see that happening already). This is her "first love"....and as painful as it is -- I tell her that it most likely will not last. (She and bf are convinced they are soulmates)!
To make matters even worse -- bf has chosen a college close to home...and will be commuting for two years! Arghhh! Just when I thought we might catch a break....
The saga continues....and I am keeping as tight a reign on this as I can without pushing her further away.
Thanks again for your advice.
I would never discuss any side of my love life with my mother either - ever. So I can understand kids not wanting to say "mom, we're going to have sex pretty soon, is it ok?" Or even "I think we're going to have sex soon, can I go on BC?" When my DD asked to go on BC, she wanted it "for her periods" though I suspected then that the real reason she asked for it was because she was thinking about having sex. I was pretty torn about what to do, because I really, really didn't want her becoming sexually active at her age, but otoh, it would be even worse if she did become sexually active and got pregnant. She never did volunteer the information that she and her b/f were having sex - after she'd been on the pill for about a month and a half, I found a note that strongly indicated that's where things had headed, and I asked her if they were having sex. She simply nodded her head, I asked her if they were using condoms too, she nodded her head. I told her it was even more important now that she remember to take her pill at the same time every day, she nodded and that was the end of the discussion. And then I got on the phone with her nurse practicioner to confirm that the pill she'd prescribed wasn't one of those low dose pills that are great for regulating periods, but not always quite so effective for BC. All the woman would tell me is "she's protected as long as she takes it faithfully." While I wish the NP had been more forthcoming, I did find out what I wanted to know, and I know this woman professionally as well as being my DD's NP, and I trust her judgement. So if NP knows more about my DD's sex life than I do, I'm ok with that - my DR knows more about mine than anyone else other than my DH.
Sorry if I'm rambling this morning - I'm not feeling very gathered together yet, but wanted to share my thoughts.
Rose
Hi. I can completely understand your concern and worries about your dd. I have a 16 year old dd and now that she's dating her first boyfriend know that having sex at some point is a real possibility.
I do believe that it is right to try be as open as you have been with your dd about sex so that she understands not only the consequences but the responsibilities that go along with it. I remember my mom telling me when I was a teenager that I ever became really serious with a boy and started having sex to PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE come and talk to her and she would take me to the OB/GYN even it meant that I needed to be on BC. Being from a family of three girls, I think my mom was pretty realistic that premarital sex was a possibility especially growing up in the 70's. Still, even though I felt I could pretty much talk to her, when I started to have an intimate relationship with my bf at 17, I just couldn't do it. I took myself to the OB/GYN on my own and got BC. I think it's really hard for girls to be open about sex with their moms no matter what. Anyway, I'm still grateful that my mom was there for me. She also told me if I couldn't come to her, just go to the doctor no questions asked, etc.
But, what made the biggest impact on me is that my best friend in high school became pregnant at 17 1/2 and ended up with two kids by the time she was 20. That made such an impact on me because it really screwed up her life in many ways...no college, divorced at 21, and no education. I can still remember telling my best friend before she got pregnant that she should use BC when she was with her boyfriend and she would reply, "oh I don't need to...nothing will happen." Obviously, something did happen and it was just tragic.
I may not have some moms who agree with me or want to hear what I'm saying but I think that we have all realize that no matter how much we educate our kids and talk about abstinence, there's is always that real possibility that when our dd's are with their bf all those talks can be forgotten or pushed aside. I admit, I may be really paranoid as result of seeing a dear friend go through something like that, but I know when my dd goes to the pediatrician, one of the questions that my dd is asked is if she is having sex. If she is and the doctor offers my dd a prescription to BC, then I will have to accept it and deal with it. But I would much rather deal with that then a teen pregnancy.
Best of luck and I think your dd is very lucky to have a mom who loves and cares for her so much.
Sorry for the "bluntness" of my post. From a mom who's seen the consequences.
I recently found out that a classmate of mine from highschool just became a GREAT grandmother at the age of 47. Yes, she was very, very young when she had her daughter, and that tradition has continued throughout the generations. She was also a promising student in high school, but to my knowledge has spent most of her life waitressing at the same place she worked in high school, and when I saw her about a year ago, she looked about 20 years older than she really is. It's so sad - this girl was academically #4 in our class! So yes, BC is very important... but my roommate from college got genital warts back in the early 80s when we all thought the pill would take care of everything. She has never been able to get pregnant and ended up having a hysterectomy about 10 years ago because of the genital warts. Another tragic situation.
I really believe high school students are doing themselves any favors by engaging in early sexual activity, and I have talked abstinence forever. But we all know how one can get carried away in the heat of the moment, and I've always told my kids that if there is any chance of that happening, be prepared. It was a real eye-opener when one of my DSs was dating a very conservative fundamentalist Christian girl who was active in the abstinence program in high school - and they became sexually active the end of their senior year when they were both about 18 1/2. Although DS wasn't a virgin at the time, he always said he respected her beliefs and believed that she was worth waiting for... and a month after the last conversation on that topic, they became sexually active. She was the last girl I expected to become intimate with a young man before she was at least engaged to him, and it happened to her. If it can happen to them, I think we need to realize it can happen to anyone if they aren't extremely careful to not put themselves in situations where it can happen.
Rose