Teenage Son Consumed with Girlfriend
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| Wed, 06-07-2006 - 1:50pm |
Wow where do I start....I am so confused and sad.
I have a 16 year old son. He currently has been "going out" with a 15 year old girl from his school for 6 months. First with some facts and history:
1. She is pretty and smart
2. She comes from a rather dysfunctional family
3. Her parents are predominatly spanish speaking and we are not so communication is difficult.
4. She is controlling and manipulating of my son.
5. She has a very vulgar fowl mouth.
6. My son has a history of choosing controlling girls.
7. When in a relationship my son is consumed with the girl...he is an extension of her.
8. My son is very handsome. (Others tell me this as well).
9. When in a relationship his grades fall...otherwise he is an above average student.
10. When in a relationship he lets all of his other friends go.
11. They both attend a private christian school.
About one month ago we found out that she had performed oral sex on my son. We "flipped out". We sat down with them both and explained that they were playing with fire and they promised that they would not do this again, that it was a mistake and if we could just give them another chance they promised to reel the relationship in. Of course one month later and we feel like nothing has changed. Instead they are just as consumed and thier public display of affection is out of control which leads us to believe their private display of affection is probably out of control as well.
What do we do now? Our first reaction is to forbid him to see her but that just isn't working. He just is so angry with us and pulling away from us all together. As parents we are so disappointed in his behavior. She has him on a leash and leads around like a puppy dog and he complies. It's hard to watch.
I would love advice from other parents who have gone through this. We are at such a loss.
Thanks,
Sad Mom

I read your post twice to make sure I was understanding it correctly. It seems to me, based on most of your 'points' that you are blaming the girl for everything that you think is wrong in thier relationship.
Language barriers aside, it sounds like your son is communicating just fine with the girl. And obviously she speaks English, so whatever she speaks at her home is of no consequence to what language is spoken in yours. If your main issue concerning her native tongue is that it's not the same as your's, then you're off base.
If you do not allow foul language in your home, say so. Make it clear that inappropriate language will not be tolerated and if she utters any, she will be asked to leave. Let your son know this up front that foul language will not be tolerated on any level. He should give her fair warning.
Time spent together: Limit thier time together. IMO, family time and school work come first, then social life. And social life is limited if the grades are suffering or my child's behavior is altered in a negative aspect...due to whatever.
If your son has a history of choosing controlling girls, then perhaps it's time to focus on that rather than the girls. Perhaps his choice in girls is related to a family dynamic and should be closely looked at by a counselor - if he agrees.
Forbidding usually backfires, so I would be careful with that method. Trying to control who your ds happens to fall in like(love) with is not a smart thing to do IMO. You can steer your child towards those you'd LIKE him to spend his free time with, but ultimately, he will choose who he is social with. All you can do at that point is find ways of limiting his free time to spend with them if you feel he is in danger. You said his grades fall when he's in a relationship - perhaps that can be your motivation to set stronger limits on his free time. Perhaps it will give him, and her, an opportunity to show you they can be responsible and mature. *Same thing about letting his friends fall away.
Sex: The barn door has been opened and the horses let out. It's going to be hard for your ds to simply abstain at this point. It would be NICE, but highly unlikely. You seem to think that this girl is using her womanly charms to seduce your son. Don't you think he's just as hormonally driven as she? I think you and your H should sit with them and have an honest open discussion about sex; preventative care, STD's, unwanted pregnancies and birth control. Be real - telling them to abstain, forbidding them from engaging in any level of sex and expecting them to actually do as you say at this point is wasted breath, IMO. Discuss with them the inappropriate methods of showing affection in public. Handholding is fine, but necking and making out is not okay...you get the idea.
Your ds is handsome. So what? Are you saying that she isn't good enough for your son because he's so darned good looking?
Perhaps I've misinterpreted your post, but it seems like you're going to find any reason you can think of to rid your son of this girl. And in doing so, you will also drive your son away from you as well. Find a better way to communicate with them and be more accepting while teaching your son how to balance out his life between friends, family, school and his GF. You need to stop being so overly critical of this girl to your son and you need to stop viewing your son as property - he's your son, but you don't own him. He is 16 and within the next couple of years as he develops into a young man, wouldn't you rather have him talk with you about his life changing decisions rather than pull away? Hugs - hope you find a way to deal with this.
Well, the good news is that this is not his first or only relationship. HE may appear consumed but he is obviously capable of letting go because he has done it before.
Yes, I agree with the previous poster. Your wording does come across as if he was an innocent bystander while she was 'performing' oral sex on him. They both made this decision and chose to engage in sexual activity and it is unlikely they will refrain now that they have crossed that line. All you can do at this point is preach condoms.
Forbidding almost always backfires. You can probably think of an instance in your own life where you were criticizing a spouse or parent and someone else jumped in and started criticizing them along with you. I suspect you switched gears and went into defensive mode at that point, defending the one you care for. It's human nature and DS is just as susceptible as the next guy.
You criticize; he WILL defend
He's young enough that you should be able to work on keeping him busy. How about a summer job or even paying him to paint the fence or something? Plan some weekend getaways.
It's not going to stop the relationship but it will keep him a bit more in tune with the rest of his life
I think it is is 'normal' for teens to become consumed with those young loves. And I think it is normal for moms to get their noses out of joint when THAT GIRL becomes more important to their son than they are
BTDT
Keep him busy without even a hint that you are doing it for a reason. Be polite to the girl. Have the condom talk AGAIN and AGAIN and be sure he has access to them.
Explain to the girl that you find the following words offensive and ASK her to please stop using them in your presence. I would ask before I put my foot down as some of what is offensive varies by household. I use "oh, God" without thinking on occassion and I know some find it offensive; OTOH I wouldn't let my boys say 'crap' when most their peers were allowed to....
I dont want to say you need to be your teens friend because I have a knee jerk reaction to that terminology but...the relationship is changing now and it's a lot easier to start changing in tiny little ways to go along than it is to fight it tooth and nail. You;re still the parent but your day to day same house parenting days are approaching an end and you have to acknowledge that(with a smile on your face-then come groan to us on the board)
The reason I mentioned the language issue is because I am torn as to whether of not we should speak to her parents about all of this. The few times we have spoken I know we have just confused each other. I promise I am not prejudice in ANY way. I myself dated a latin boy for several years as a teenager. Truly that is not an issue...its just hard to have a heart to heart sincere conversation with her parents....and this is a delicate conversation to have regardless.
The reason I mentioned that my son was handsome is because I felt like all my comments were negative and I was trying to throw in some positive compliments. This young lady is very pretty as well. But I will say that because my son is very handsome and at the same time very quiet girls can "lead" him quiet easily because he enjoys the attention so much.
He is ABSOLUTELY at fault for the promblems I have described. What makes me sad is I feel like somewhere along the years I have failed to build up his self esteem enough to be strong in a relationship. This young lady demeans him and humiliates him and when he says anything she crys and says she is sorry and then all is well. I just wish that he had enough character to say "hey please don't talk that way" without me having to say...Son please ask her not to use that kind of language around us or your little brother. I feel like it's always me having to say something when I think it would mean more coming from him but he is afraid to hurt her feelings or make her mad cuz she may dump him. Does that make it more clear?
I am really trying to not "forbid" anything and we are talking to him constantly about STD's, unwanted pregnancies etc....
I am incredibly appreciative of your comments and response. I agree that I am overly critical of her and I am trying so hard to hold my tongue. Obviously I need to do better.
I do feel like the underlying issue of him being attracted to girls that control him is something we need to get to the root of.
Thank you!
Just FYI...the language is much stronger than crap...I am talking the big "F" word...like it's nothing.
Thank you so much for your response. I am feeling so very lost and I don't want to push him away any further.
>>>somewhere along the years I have failed to build up his self esteem enough to be strong in a relationship.>>>
It is not primarily YOUR job to build up his self esteem. The building up of self esteem is most best achieved when a person works at improving one's self. IOW, if he has a part time job that he likes and receives recognition for is one way of building his self esteem. If he work hard to achieve good grades which lead to good educational opportunities, his self esteem will receive a nice boost. Ways in which a parent helps to improve a child's self esteem is by allowing him/her to develop his own interests, support those interests and teach them along the way to believe in themselves. At 16, you're not going to be able to wave a wand and voila!, he's suddenly going to have higher self esteem. However, you can encourage him to be or remain involved in activities that make him happy, that bring him satisfaction, and that will benefit his future goals. What are his future goals? That is a good place to begin.
>>>This young lady demeans him and humiliates him and when he says anything she crys and says she is sorry and then all is well.>>> IMO, this is something that they learn with maturity. My 18dd has very good self esteem and yet, it took her a long time to finally get to the point where she could speak her mind to her BF without worrying about his reactions so much. You know, they need to get to the point where they are comfortable enough to take that risk. Obviously your son has done it before because she's not his first GF, so I wouldn't be too concerned about him speaking up eventually.
>>>I just wish that he had enough character to say "hey please don't talk that way" without me having to say...Son please ask her not to use that kind of language around us or your little brother. I feel like it's always me having to say something when I think it would mean more coming from him but he is afraid to hurt her feelings or make her mad cuz she may dump him.>>>
Well, until he grows the you-know-what's to finally say something on his own, you will have to. The bottom line: it's YOUR home and YOU have every right to tell others the types of behaviors that will or will not be tolerated in YOUR home.
I have spoken with a couple of my dd's friends about some issues that have bothered H or me. Things like language, use of our computer, tv programs, and curfews. We have a lot of teens in and out of our house and there isn't one who doesn't respect us. We speak our mind while still holding our home open to all these kids. We love them, but most of all we accept them as they are. You can lay down the law and let them know they are welcome, conditionally - that's really okay. Don't wait for your son to do it - this is how he learns, by watching the way in which YOU behave.
You've received some great advise here...I just wanted to add that this conversation would be difficult to have, no matter the language! I do agree with your concerns, but why not try talking to the girl yourself about these matters? Not just the cussing, but also the excessive PDA's, even if you don't want to go into detail about "the other thing". Rose has some experience with this if I recall, and maybe she will chime in.
The situation is worrisome anyway - but I would be particularly worried with a first generation spanish family. I have alot of experience with this, and I AM part Spanish, so I just want to tell you that they are very "traditional" for the most part. They mostly do NOT talk to their girls about sexual issues AT ALL. If the girlfriend winds up pg, wow, I would be afraid for my son...kwim? It may be very uncomfortable, but you might want to consider talking to her about these issues as well as your son. Good luck.
However. About the sex. I'm somewhat curious as to how you found out about what happened, but at the same time, you must accept that he is a maturing teen, and sex is normal, even if it's scary for you as a parent. (Which i imagine it is, not being a parent i wouldn't know but i can only assume.)
Talk to your son. Tell him that sexual desires are normal, but acting on them can have consequences, both good and bad.
You say they've been dating for six months, I think sexual behavior is pretty normal for teen relationships spanning that long.
That's just me though. Obviously other people think differently.
Thanks for the vote of confidence mom dragonfly.