Teenage son living his grandma is so disrespectful and uncaring

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Teenage son living his grandma is so disrespectful and uncaring
6
Sun, 02-06-2011 - 2:08am

My son who is 17 went to live with his dad's mom this school year because he wanted a change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2008

I'm confused, at first you said DS went to live with Grandma but later said Dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003

You willingly gave up the right to parent him last summer. Sorry! It's a done deal and the last thing you need to do now is stress what little relationship you have left by harping on him those rare occasions you see him.

Welcome him as a guest in your home. Unless he is being violent or drinking/doing drugs in your home, you need to work at enjoying your time with him.

You are too focused on what you want from him now; you need to build what you can have in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.

Remember, you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005

i don't harp on him but he says i am overprotective and annoying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2009

Your son is a young man. And young men NEED their fathers. They NEED a constant male presence in their lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Not exactly the same situation...My middle son is also 17, and last May he was having some issues and decided to leave our family to move and live with his dad. Hardly called, and in the last few months only called when he was having conflict with dad. My son needed to work out his own issues and to be quite frank..grow up. While he wasn't terribly disrespectful from a distance, he wasn't calling to chat often either. I had to let my son be..he has come around on his own and now preparing to move back to our home. From someone who has had TWO sons move away and back home in their teen years, don't sweat it, let your son be, send him a letter or a card, and if you wait he will come around in his own time, which at this age and time is what really needs to happen.

Good luck!
Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
I know this is hard but he does need you & will continue to be a part of your life. IMO your expectations of your son are out of line with what a 17 yr old is likely to give you. Even 17 yr olds without issues "don't need a Mom" in their opinion and they appear disrespectful but if we have earned their respect then we will retain it. I'm a we must earn respect person not just get it because of our position in their lives. 17 yr olds focus on their friends, they want to come & go as they please and feel that any contact with a parent can be a waste of time but they still need boundaries. You haven't mentioned why he moved out but I'm assuming there were relationship problems between you which resulted in this move. You aren't ever going to stop being his Mom and if you don't push him away now, then your relationship should improve especially once he matures into his 20s. My eldest DS and I were extremely close as he was growing up. However, I lost this relationship when he was 16 for 4 yrs. He suddenly didn't want to have anything to do with me. He lived in his bedroom when he was home and he spent most of his time with his friends. He spent hours talking on the phone but wouldn't spend 2 mins talking to me in a week unless it was to yell & scream at me. He was finding his way & I was in that way because I wasn't one of his all knowing friends. He is 28 today, lives on the other side of the country. Sometimes, 2 wks will go back without any communication because we are busy but then we will write long emails to each other or talk for an hour on the phone. He is a successful, independent young professional who hasn't taken any help from us since he finished college. You need to pick your battles like any other parents. I would still call him like you do but I won't force a conversation. Just say, you are checking to see if he is ok, if there is anything he needs and then hang up if he doesn't want to talk. Keep the lines of communication open, try to set up weekly time together where it's just the 2 of you and don't let anything from your side stop you from making that time. I know you have offered but keep offering and it should be something he would like to do & likely doesn't involve his friends seeing you or taking time away from his friends. Maybe a weekly meal somewhere he likes. This needs to be about what he needs and he needs to know that in spite of all the problems between you that you are always there for him. It's ok to have rules. You will hang up if he swears at you, you expect him to eat a meal with you when he visits unless he tells you in advance he will be out, etc.. Normal stuff.

Remember that patience you needed when he was a terrible 2 and wanted to do it all alone & his way, well I think the years from 15 to 19 are a very long, long terrible 2s. He may want to be independent but he still needs you to catch him when he makes mistakes. Also, as someone said, he is a boy but he has a poor example of a man for a father according to your post, he likely thinks life is unfair and there is no special place for him within his parents' lifes. You like his brother best and his father isn't there for him. So he will push you away to stop you from hurting him more. This might be what is in his head, it doesn't have to be true to be real to him. I would also suggest family counseling for you both together or separately.

Hang in there & don't give up, life should get better as he matures.