Teenager dealing with a death

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Teenager dealing with a death
11
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:54am

Hi, I really need some sound advice for my 15yr. old son. This wkd. my son and I were the first on the scene of the accident in a rural area. It was a very bad accident involving a man that we tried to help, but couldn't and he died right before our eyes. He was stuck underneath his front tire and we couldn't get him out from underneath to get to his chest or face to perform cpr or anything. We also were dealing with another part of panic, because there was a carseat in the suv and a babies jacket underneath the suv. So we were trying to help the man and look for a child in the dark with a light from a cellphone. We literally had to climb around on our hands and knees looking for this child and anyone else and never did find anyone else. While we were trying to somehow help this man as we were trying to keep him warm, console him, figure out if he was alive, and figure out how to get him from underneath the truck. It was absolutely horrible experience for son and myself. I will get over it, but my son is really freaked out! He is a very strong 15 year old that is very independent usually, but this has really messed him up. Granted it's only been 2 days, but I don't know how to handle this. I have talked to him, we have prayed together, and tried to hand this over to God, but it's still there on a constant basis. My son and I have slept in our living room for 2 nights together, because he will not sleep in his bed, he won't take a shower without me right outside the bathroom with the bathroom door open, he won't open his dresser drawers without me right there. This is not my son, he is a teenager and usually I have to beg him to spend time with me and not that I mind doing any of this, but I am truly worried about him! Please help!

Thanks,
STaci

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 12:28pm
You need to call the hospital immediately and tell them what happened. They will lead you in the right direction. If your son does not want to be alone don't let him be. If he doesn't want to go to school yet let him stay home. If he wants to sleep in the same room as you let him. Try to talk about the accident with him. Find out how he feels. Your in this together. You need to go through it together. It's only been two days. It will take a long time to feel normal again. Yu also need to seek help. You may not think you do but, gosh, this is a very traumatic thing that happened to you. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope that you will heal and learn from this terrible experience. Its normal to worry about your son but you just need time and perhaps some councelling to help you both through it. I think that it was a wonderful thing that you could both be there to help the man while he lay there. He was not alone when he died.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:17pm
That must have been such a frightening experience to go through. Not even many adults have had the experience of seeing someone die right in front of you and not being able to help. Your son might be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, so I would call his dr. and try to get him to see a counsellor ASAP.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-05-2006
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:27pm
I think you meant for this to go to the original post 1.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 2:36pm

I can't imagine the horror that you and your ds faced.

Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:54pm

Thanks for your reply atleast I'm not the only one that feels this is a lot for anyone to deal with. I have called his school counsler ofcourse she hasn't called back yet and another counsler can't get him in for a month....

Do you think that maybe if I took him to the man's wake that it would help or hurt?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:07pm
Hi, thanks for the comment. I can't get in contact with a counsler, yet. Do you think it would help him have closer if I took him to the man's wake?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:17pm

My youngest DD has dealt with the death of many friends in the past few years but she has never actually witnessed it so what I'm about to say may not apply. I would give him time and just continue to be there for him. We live in an area where tornados are very common and one of her friend's died in a tornado and another friend's mom and younger brother died in another tornado a couple of years later. DD was 7 and 10 when these incidents happened. Then this past fall she lost a few friends in separate car accidents. Her reaction and behavior really wasn't all that different. She just seemed to need to know that mom was still alive and there for her. It was especially hard this fall since she was away at college. She would call sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning just to check in with me. In DD's case, time and prayer seemed to be the best medicine. She was only able to attend the funeral of one of her friends this fall and that seemed to help her say goodbye to all of them. When she was younger, she wanted to go to the rubble of their homes (where they died). I took her only when she asked. She just went, got out of the car, looked and was ready to go. Maybe your son might want to send a card to the family or attend the funeral. ATtending the funeral will let him know that people deal with grief and loss in different ways and just b/c he did not personally know this man, he is grieving for him in a way. YOu may also remind him that he can has a school counselor or a pastor, etc that he can talk to if he wants. I wouldn't push it at this point but just remind him that they are available. If you have a pastor, you might consider talking to them yourself to ask their advice on how to help your son.

Please let us know how he's doing in a week or so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:18pm
I'm not a big fan of wakes myself. If your son expresses a desire to go, I would take him, otherwise, it might bring back the trauma. I'm not a professional, so I wouldn't know what the best thing to do is.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:21pm
In my response to you, I mentioned taking him to the funeral but I would do this only if he wants to go. Even if he doesn't want to go to the big gathering, he might want to meet the family. You might call the funeral home and ask to speak to the minister/rabbi/clergy that is performing the service and ask them to see how the family feels about meeting you and your son - they may want the chance to offer thanks for being with their loved during this time. This act may help them and your son.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 4:51pm

I would offer to take him to the wake and abide by his wishes

I grew up going to wakes and funerals all the time-it was just something my family did.
DH, on the other hand, did not have that experience

I would encourage it more if this was 'normal' for your family, KWIM?

BTW dont focus on ds so much you lose sight of yourself in all this. Please feel free to attend the wake even if DS doesnt want to and it will give YOU closure

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