Teenager dealing with a death
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| Mon, 01-29-2007 - 11:54am |
Hi, I really need some sound advice for my 15yr. old son. This wkd. my son and I were the first on the scene of the accident in a rural area. It was a very bad accident involving a man that we tried to help, but couldn't and he died right before our eyes. He was stuck underneath his front tire and we couldn't get him out from underneath to get to his chest or face to perform cpr or anything. We also were dealing with another part of panic, because there was a carseat in the suv and a babies jacket underneath the suv. So we were trying to help the man and look for a child in the dark with a light from a cellphone. We literally had to climb around on our hands and knees looking for this child and anyone else and never did find anyone else. While we were trying to somehow help this man as we were trying to keep him warm, console him, figure out if he was alive, and figure out how to get him from underneath the truck. It was absolutely horrible experience for son and myself. I will get over it, but my son is really freaked out! He is a very strong 15 year old that is very independent usually, but this has really messed him up. Granted it's only been 2 days, but I don't know how to handle this. I have talked to him, we have prayed together, and tried to hand this over to God, but it's still there on a constant basis. My son and I have slept in our living room for 2 nights together, because he will not sleep in his bed, he won't take a shower without me right outside the bathroom with the bathroom door open, he won't open his dresser drawers without me right there. This is not my son, he is a teenager and usually I have to beg him to spend time with me and not that I mind doing any of this, but I am truly worried about him! Please help!
Thanks,
STaci

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I can't imagine the horror that you and your ds faced.
Thanks for your reply atleast I'm not the only one that feels this is a lot for anyone to deal with. I have called his school counsler ofcourse she hasn't called back yet and another counsler can't get him in for a month....
Do you think that maybe if I took him to the man's wake that it would help or hurt?
My youngest DD has dealt with the death of many friends in the past few years but she has never actually witnessed it so what I'm about to say may not apply. I would give him time and just continue to be there for him. We live in an area where tornados are very common and one of her friend's died in a tornado and another friend's mom and younger brother died in another tornado a couple of years later. DD was 7 and 10 when these incidents happened. Then this past fall she lost a few friends in separate car accidents. Her reaction and behavior really wasn't all that different. She just seemed to need to know that mom was still alive and there for her. It was especially hard this fall since she was away at college. She would call sometimes at 2 and 3 in the morning just to check in with me. In DD's case, time and prayer seemed to be the best medicine. She was only able to attend the funeral of one of her friends this fall and that seemed to help her say goodbye to all of them. When she was younger, she wanted to go to the rubble of their homes (where they died). I took her only when she asked. She just went, got out of the car, looked and was ready to go. Maybe your son might want to send a card to the family or attend the funeral. ATtending the funeral will let him know that people deal with grief and loss in different ways and just b/c he did not personally know this man, he is grieving for him in a way. YOu may also remind him that he can has a school counselor or a pastor, etc that he can talk to if he wants. I wouldn't push it at this point but just remind him that they are available. If you have a pastor, you might consider talking to them yourself to ask their advice on how to help your son.
Please let us know how he's doing in a week or so.
I would offer to take him to the wake and abide by his wishes
I grew up going to wakes and funerals all the time-it was just something my family did.
DH, on the other hand, did not have that experience
I would encourage it more if this was 'normal' for your family, KWIM?
BTW dont focus on ds so much you lose sight of yourself in all this. Please feel free to attend the wake even if DS doesnt want to and it will give YOU closure
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