teenager vs father

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
teenager vs father
10
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 3:07am
I am just so sad about my husband and my sons behavior. My 17 year old son has had an ongoing relationship with a girl that has not been good for him or for our family for that matter. He has done some very inappropriate things with this girl and her family is a nightmare. They are permissive and are very difficult to deal with. My son will not give up this relationship no matter what. He does not care if it destroys this family. His father is sooo angry about it. He will not let it go. I am always caught in the middle. My husband is a wonderful, hardworking man, but he is also stubbon and opinionated. He also does not communicate very well. I wouldn't say he is illiterate but reading certainly is not a strong suit. He was raised in an Italian household and his mother spoke very broken English and while he definitely speaks English he does not communicate his thoughts very well. Of course the teenager has taken complete advantage of that. The boy has gotten very difiant and is angry at his father. I know his father is wrong for hanging onto this grudge against this girl and her family, but this is not a healthy relationship for my son. He has not done well in school and is not motivated to do anything but be with her. When he is not with her is on the Playstation. He was grounded from her for awhile and he did start to hang out with his friends more. Now he is sneaking behind our backs to see her. Anyway I am just so frustrated. I just don't know what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 6:52am

This is a hard situation - it sounds like both your husband and your son are very stubborn, strong-willed (and you are stuck in the middle). Also, at 17 years old, the strategy of coming down hard on him isn't going to work. I doubt it ever really works, but at this age I'm sure he thinks he's grown, so tons of yelling or punishment won't work.

And, I'm positive that he is not the only teenage boy who is very attached to his girlfriend!

So, IMHO, all that's left is talking to your son, setting some reasonable guidelines, and helping him figure things out for himself. Talk to your son about your expectations (school, life, this girl, etc) and LISTEN to his goals and expectations. What does he want to do when he graduates HS? What steps can he be taking now to get there? And how can you help him get to his goals. If you approach him as if you are all on the same team - and not enemies - you have more likelihood of getting somewhere, and less ways for him to "sneak around"

HTH

Sue, mom to Leah and Seth


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 9:30am
I know how tough it is to have your child think involved in an unhealthy relationship - BTDT.
Pam
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Registered: 08-26-2007
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 9:59am

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 1:16pm

My now 20 yr old has a knack for finding the wrong type of male friends(hmmm...that didnt come out right-hes not gay, to the best of my knowledge)

When he was younger, I always 'broke them up'. What finally occurred to me late in high school, was that my son had to take some responsibility and I had to stop blaming the various boys who got him to set a fire at the age of 6 or drink and cut school at 17. He went along or maybe even generated the ideas, and, when I got rid of R, he found M. If I got rid of M, he would find someone else and hey, at least M was a known and the next one could have even worse habits

I dont know the specifics of what your DS has done since he has been with her but I do want to send out the reminder that, at 17, he is making his own decisions. She has influence, surely(and with a GF, we know what that likely is)but it really isnt fair to put the blame squarely on her

Just food for thought.......it took me a long time to reach that realization but life has been smoother for me since I did. I am talking pattern with my DS, however-it is different if you have approved of all his male and female friend choices in the past and this is the odd gal out




Edited 12/19/2007 9:10 pm ET by windrush54
Avatar for imomtojd
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 3:51pm

DH and I followed Julie's lead soon after (thank you Julie). We didn't actually make my son break up with the girl, but told him that if he didn't follow our rules, he would be making the choice to forgo all life's extras, because we would only supply the necessities. It took about 15 minutes for him to decide he cherished our family and his life, and would make the change. He has done a great job renewing focus on school and home life, while still (unfortunately) dating the girl. I really don't trust her, but I've grown to trust him again because he has proven again and again to make the right decisions, even when she pushed the other way. He has thanked me several times for helping him through this hard time (esp. at report card time).

I would decide what you and your husband would tolerate, and then make sure to communicate it well to him. Just don't "threaten" if you won't follow through. I've found that to be one of the most important aspects of child rearing. Also, I've been totally honest with DS about everything - what I've looked through, checking on his computer, etc.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 1:20am

Thanks for all your replies. Some background this relationship started when J was barely 15 and she just 13. J and her brother were good friends when the parents bought him against our wishes an airsoft gun. At first we wouldn't let him have it at home but when he agreed to follow our rules we finally relented and he brought the gun home. He behaved himself and followed our rules-noo problem-but then one day he took it to school and shot it at another kid-just goofing off-no intent to be malicious. J was suspended from school for three months and was granted a conditional return. He had no other behavior problems at school before this. So my h was really angry with this family. They think we are too strict and have always let J know they have no respect for us or our rules. They tell J we are psycho parents. All this going on for more than two years almost three. About the time J was suspended from school the girl was pulled from school for major problems (satanic kinds of things and threatening students and teachers). Come to find out J ws spending a good part of the time he was home on independent study while his father and I were at work with this girl. Apparently her parents thought it was great and had no problem with them being on the phone for hours on end. The relationship with the brother went south-I am not sure I really understand what happened but he started running with more popular kids and since J was out of school he lost contact with most of his friends. I should also say J always had a hard time socially. He always wanted to play with everybody but for some reason he could not make friends. He is better now and has several good friends but for a long time it didn't seem like he had friends. Anyway he started spending a lot time with this girl. We didn't want to forbid it but did the best we could to discourage it. The would fight almost violently-but not physical just cussing and calling each other the most awful names. They would come to our house until he would not follow our rules about staying out of his bedroom and taking off for walks to secluded places. I also didn't want him just hanging out down town for hours on end with her but her parents didn't seem to care what she did. We grounded him, took away his electronics etc, but always a battle and he wasn't doing well in school either. It was a constant battleground and we were told we crazy psycho parents by her parents and then J started to beleive it and repeat things that they were saying. Then came the call from her mother telling us about things they had done like broken windows because they were fighting and she didn't want to call us and tell us what was going on because they worried about J being beaten by his father. A lie J was telling because he didn't want to be grounded and they believed him. We agreed the kids shouldn't see each other for awhile but she didn't enforce it and it wasn't a day before they were sneaking off together again-she told me she wouldn't enforce it. Then she called a few months later to tell me they had started having sex-the girl was 14 then and J was 16. Still she said she would not enforce her daughter staying away from J. Since J has been in this relationship he let his relationship with the few friends he did have fall away, would not participate in any school activities, would not do his school work. It was a constant battle ground. I found written evidence of rules they had to follow, overheard phone conversations controlling each other, found evidence of abuse, I tried to tell the girls mother but got more of psycho parent thrown at me. My angry husband called the girl a bitch then the girl came to our house with her father and attacked my husband, kicked him, called him all kinds of names. It was awfull-and her father just stood there and watched. My son and I got into a real fight when he called me all kinds of names and I scratched his arm-her parents turned us into CPS. We acknowledged things were out of control and we started family counseling which has been some help but the girl is still in my kids life and I just am at a loss to know what to do. My husband is soooo angry and our home is a constant battleground. It just breaks my heart. And this is just the tip of the iceberg-the stories are endless.

Well if anybody stayed with this thank you for letting me vent.

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 1:37am

Kam, welcome to the board. I'm really sorry that you are going through all this. I don't really have any advice for you, but I know you aren't alone in not liking who your child is dating.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2007
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 10:56am

Lisa,


I'm so glad to hear an update from you on this...and that things are going better :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 12-20-2007 - 11:21am

The counseling sounds like a great solution. Im sure it's slow going though. As moms we want everything fixed-YESTERDAY! Hang in there and keep muddling through!

Be sure you and DH are not modeling anger which is dang hard because, duh, you ARE angry. But it seems to be everywhere for him right now-arguments with both of you and the GF and even arguments between the GF and DH. It must seem 'normal' about this point.

Maybe you and DH could come up with a specific code word when you see the other losing their temper and that party then needs to go to the bedroom and the less angry party handles things, even if that means walking away. I never had a problem with "I am too angry to deal with you on this right now. We WILL talk in the morning". It was hard to say the first time but then I saw what a valuable tool it was. We were always so much more productive in the AM

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Tue, 01-22-2008 - 12:30am
Well it has been awhile since I started this I got caught up in the holidays and we went on a family trip. The trip was great but he texted her every half hour for four days. When I tried to get him to cut down all I got was back talk and awful stuff. So I ignored him and we had a reasonably decent time. We have since decided to allow the DS to see the girlfriend-it started with Fridays 3-11 then Sat 7-12 and now we are up to one to two other days a week. If I say no not today or try to cut back on the hours I get cussed out, told I am the parent from hell-etc. The DH has been trying really hard to put his feelings aside. The more time he spends with her the more DS wants and the ruder he becomes. Now he says he doesn't want to go on his senior trip-I heard him arguing with her about going-she doesn't want him to go and I know he wants to go. He was nominated Carnival King and she is having a fit about that. I hear them arguing constantly. When I try to talk to him about it he lies and says they are not arguing. He has no goals after high school I know he doesn't even want to graduate. This relationship is very controlling and possessive on both sides. I have tried to talk to him about unhealthy it is but I just get nowhere. How do I just let go of all this. He is so defiant and awful. Do I just ignore him and let him do whatever he wants? I just don't see how I can that. We have stopped going to counseling the counselor basically told his dad and I to get over the relationship. Anyway I think the venting might help.