teenagers being mean to their Mom
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teenagers being mean to their Mom
| Wed, 11-14-2007 - 11:08am |
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this problem.
| Wed, 11-14-2007 - 11:08am |
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this problem.
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I think all kids go thru the sullen teenager phase at some point...they talk back and are mean to the people who care for them the most. I don't think we can change this, we can only change how we react to it. Hard as that is. After all, we gave them life and then everything else too...and then they treat us badly?
My DS-18 was a real rat for a long time. It took me a while to learn that yelling and arguing with him solved nothing. I would just leave the room when he got his attitude. Sometimes I would say something simple, like That's not OK, or Think about what you just said. No conversation, just a statement. Eventually he would come around in a better state of mind and we could talk it thru calmly. This is not a cure all, just a way to deal with it without making a lousy situation worse. As they mature, the episodes become less and less, and eventually they actually become a pleasure. It's true!
If it's hard to have an actual conversation with them, then don't...just say Good Morning or How Ya doin'? and go about your business. At some point they will want to and have to talk to you, it's just easier if it's on their own terms. Or, we let them think that anyway. There are things they want to tell us, they just don't want us to ask!
I also have a DD-14, 15 in Dec. She is a real pleasure, very well adjusted. No problems from her at all. Then there's the 12 year old. She's a whole nother animal. won't even start on her.
Good luck. Hang in there. All of us with teens go thru it, doesn't mean we have bad kids or that we are lacking in parenting skills.
Gee, Sunnymom, I understand why you feel the way you do, but I think it's a little harsh to withdraw from your DD emotionally. She is still so young. Our kids don't always turn out the way we imagine them to be in an ideal world. Believe me, I have had to accept things about my kids that I never, ever thought I'd have to deal with. But I came to understand that they are who they are and I can't control that. All I can do is give them all the love and support I can so they can grow into strong adults. I know what it's like when a DD is ungrateful or doesn't want to be around you. My DD is like that more often than not. I don't think we should accept rude behavior--I call my DD on it all the time--but I would never just give up on her. You seem to be keeping a mental laundry list of all the times she has slighted you. I can honestly say that I don't even remember the incidents with my DD--I just let go of them and chalk it up to her teenaged brain. If you withdraw from your DD emotionally, that won't help her learn to be a more caring, grateful person, which is what it sounds like you want her to become. I would bet that if you don't play the victim, and if you don't react in an emotional way (like withdrawing), and instead just treat her in a matter-of-fact way, calmly pointing out when she is being rude and standing your ground, she will come around.
Hey s,
well I have a 20 yr DS and the day he left for college I cried and cried and my dh said "this is what you raised him for ,to be a independent, college bound person" he was right. The older they get the bigger the problems, you have to learn to relate to them in a different way.
I'm not sure how many ways to say this and be understood:
- All (or at the very least MOST) 13 y/o girls think their mothers are annoying and incredibly dumb and out of touch.
- All (or at the very least MOST) 13 y/o girls can be moody and mouthy.
Thanks for your very thoughtful response.
If I had an employee who undermined me with my DD I think that person wouldn't be in my employ for very long!
Wow! I've been reading these posts from when the original one showed up a while ago regarding teens being mean to Mom....mostly because I can totally relate to this dilemma and wanted to see how others were handling this situation. I must say that it's helped me a lot and I've actually put these responses in my "favorites" on my desktop page to refer to. I deal with a dd who is also on meds for anxiety and often flips a switch into a snotty, disrespectful teen at any given part of some days....I try to determine if it's the result of the meds or is it just regular teen stuff....it's confusing at times but tolerable. I came up with a standard statement I say to her lately, and it's been working for me...."I don't allow anyone else to speak to me like that, so I won't allow you"...and then I leave the room. She used to follow me and bug me till I explode but now she doesn't and the situation usually dissipates, loses power and then she's able to apologize for mouthing off....we have a great relationship on the whole but I tell you, it's sometimes overwhelming because one never quite knows when the next wave is coming.
Well, claireymary4, it sounds like refusing to take it, refusing to get in a fight with her, and refusing to cave to her is doing well for you!
I have a daughter who's 14, and I completely sympathize with you - very similar story here.
Remember my own teenage years... so I know that she doesn't really mean it; she's simply trying to put some distance between herself and mom (I single-parent her, so the bond has always been close).
However, being treated badly has really zapped my energy, so here the strategies I've developed.
***I don't respond or converse unless she looks me in the eye when making a statement.
***If the tone of the conversation is not acceptable, I simply raise my hand instead of getting all wound up about it, and do not respond. SHe has quickly learned that she needs to reword if this happens, and leaving it out of the argument zone often causes both of us to be able to change the mood and joke about the misstep.
***If she really dishes it out (bad words, slamming doors, negativity), I'll have her stop what she's doing and make a round - if we're at home, around the house, if we're driving, I"ll stop the car, and ask her to walk once around the car. She always gets out fuming, and by half circle has reflected on what happened enough to come back around smiling and readjusted.
The first time I had this idea, I was not sure if it would work, and she stared at me in disbelief. Since I was not going to budge, she ended up complying, and came back as a totally renewed kid. This routine effectively breaks the pattern, and gives a new start to the situation. If one round is not enough and she comes back ranting and angry, I just ask her to take another. So far three rounds was the most it took to get on the right footing again ;-)
This is a much more effective technique than time outs and limiting social time or this or that, since it resolves the problem quickly without having the "punishment" smother and linger. Plus, she is quite physical and moving lets her think clearly again.
While she always protests, I can tell that she likes this solution, because it helps her get out of a dead-end pattern as well.
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