Teenagers -- the selfish years
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 07-02-2007 - 4:16pm |
I'm pretty certain that whatever selfishness is inate in all of us is enhanced during the teenage years. My 15 going on 16 yo dd is an otherwise good kid -- smart, good at school, no trouble really to speak of. But my goodness she is so self-centered. It always comes back to her no matter what.
She has everything she needs and wants -- the dance classes, the clothes, the shoes, the money for movies, the amusement park season passes, the ipod, the computer, the CD's, all the books she can read etc etc etc.... All the trappings of a modern-day teenager.
But when it comes to doing something for anyone else ie for me or her brother or her dad -- no way unless SHE is in the mood for it or if there is something in it for HER.
Yesterday she spent ALL DAY at the amusement park (with a seasons pass and money for food graciously provided by me...and transportation for all her friends provided by dad) and she came home tired but satisfied. I on the other hand have been sick as a dog for days, of course doing all the cooking and laundry and cleaning while sick, but still stuck at home for the most part. So, today being a holiday Monday here, I wanted to go out. I offered dinner and a movie or lunch out and some fun at the local arcade -- my dd refuses to go. And my husband would rather go to the gym if its not a family thing. And my son won't go without his sister. So ... here I am ... stewing.
I'm stewing because I give, give, give ALL THE TIME. Everything I do is planned around these kids' schedules and desires. My money is sunk into all THEIR pursuits. My whole lifestyle revolves around them. And the ONE DAY I want something nobody is willing to give me the satisfaction of a nice day out.
If I hear my dd utter even ONCE this week "I'm bored", I swear I'm going to just lose it....

Here's the question - is your daughter a "typical" selfish teenager, or does it go beyond the norm?
Because this is what I see as part of the problem:
<>
My DS 15 is a modern-day teenager. He WOULD get dance lessons if he wanted them - I buy him clothing for Christmas or his birthday - or if he desperately needs something - other than that, he's on his own - same with shoes...he gets what he needs - and asks for gift cards and cash for other occasions so that he can buy what he WANTS.
My children have NEVER had season passes to an amusement park - my son got his first one this year - as a graduation present. And, although I did buy my older son an MP3 player for Christmas a couple years ago, my younger one bought his own IPOD - with his own money - and replaced it - with his own money - when it got stolen.
I come up with ways for my children to earn the "trappings of a teenager" rather than just "giving" them to them. They ask for gift cards for holidays, my younger son works hard on his report card and gets treats as a present, he gets a small stipend for chores and uses it to pay his cell phone bill, he has chores every day that he HAS to do. He doesn't get NOTHING extra from me, but he doesn't get much without earning it in some way.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that at 15 going on 16, your dd is old enough to earn the things she gets - even creatively.
Oh, and I would have gone out to dinner alone - or ordered in for one :).
agreed.
Kids will not learn that they are not the center of attention as long as they are.
The answer is to say NO.
My kids were not brought up with all the trappings of modern teenage life. My DD is actual rather frugal because I also made it very clear that money does not grow on trees.
Kids don't need all the latest stuff. They don't need passes to Canada's Wonderland or
5 pairs of shoes or multiple jeans in their closets.
I know what you mean and I know exactly how you feel, because I felt that way a few years ago. It felt like I was giving and giving, and nothing was ever given back! Frankly, I went on a modified strike and stopped doing so much with and for the kids. I then told them what my expectations were - both at home, at school, and in interactions with me. My two get a rather meager allowance each week, plus a little at the beginning of each month for any "personal" items that they need (shampoo, toothpaste, etc.) Movies? Renting a DVD? Buying music? Upgrades to their cell phones? Soft drinks? Virtually EVERYTHING that is "over and above" their basic needs, is at their own expense or at MY discretion. My son needs a new pair of shoes - I told him how much I would pay and that anything over that amount is his responsibility. They ask to go out to eat - if I happen to not want to do that, I tell them "sure, but you're paying". 9 ½ times out of 10, they say "never mind". If they talk to me disrespectfully, I tell them I am going to take a time out, and they can let me know when they feel better (and can talk to me respectfully). Now-a-days, my kids frequently ask me how my day went or if they can do anything for me. At the same time, and mostly because I have been reading this Message Board for so long (thank you very much!), I treat them with respect, allow them some privacy and personal space, and occasionally do fun things with them.
So, Mom, maybe it is time to do something for yourself! Call up a friend, grab your husband, lock yourself in the bathroom (taking a leisurely bath), but do something nice for yourself! Please! You deserve it!
Amelia
That's not really the point. Its not that my dd doesn't do things to earn what she has. She is an honour roll student. She cares for her younger brother as required. She works hard at her dancing. I'm not saying she has tons of stuff and therefore owes me something.
I'm saying that when I do something for my friends and family I don't always do so out of a sense of obligation. Because if that were so they would only have what was absolutely necessary and nothing more. And I don't want my kids feeling obligated to me. I want them to be considerate of other people's feelings and find ways to give to them out of a sense of generosity and caring.
The fact that I was shut in and not feeling well for days and now that I am better would like to have some fun with THEM should have struck a chord with them. Its not like my dd has anything better to do -- she's been lying around watching TV all day. It would have been nice if she, being not a little kid anymore, could recognize that I have some needs and feelings too....
This is exactly when I see my husband's personality in my dd. He too is very self-absorbed and has been most of his life. It hasn't done much good to our relationship over the years ...
I can totally relate to your post. I have two daughters, 18 and almost 20. During those years (15-17)they were so self-absorbed that I questioned every turn they took. What I came to realize is that it truly is a "phase" that they will grow out of. When I was in the thick of it (and I still somewhat am with my 18 year old), I wondered how I raised such self-absorbed daughters and is this how they turned out? Actually, no, they do change once they enter college and become of age. What was once a self-absorbed teen has actually turned back into the sweet, considerate, caring person that I knew both to be.
Unfortunately, you just have to wait out the years and do the best you can. I believe what helps is checking boards such as this board, conversing with friends and family for support and knowing that "this too shall pass". Just make sure you're available to listen and to be there for support. I would keep doing what you're doing as you sound like a very reasonable parent.
I would also suggest that you keep active, cultivate friendships, hobbies, or interests that can divert your attention and get you out of the house and away from the kids for awhile.
I think I would hit my DH over the head if he didn't want to go out w/ me unless it was a family day. We are just the opposite. If we ever get a child free day, we spend it together at the movies, going out to eat, going to a museum, all the stuff the kids don't want to do any more.
I only understand now what my mother meant about me when I was a teenager. She used to complain that I didn't help out around the house. I said "if you ask me to do something, I will do it" and she said that I never did anything w/o being asked. I guess that's the diff. between a child and an adult, noticing what has to be done compared w/ waiting to be asked (and more likely, nagged) to do something.
My DD made me laugh last night. She asked if a friend could sleep over and I said ok, but I can't believe you will let someone in your room in the state it's in, it's so messy. She said "well, I have an excuse. I haven't been home." Yes, she went on vacation for a week and got home LAST THURSDAY NIGHT. So theoretically, she has had 4 days to do laundry & clean her room. I said "well, it's not like anyone made you go out. YOu could have stayed home & cleaned." Of course, she has to go out w/ friends every night. Even the night she got home from her trip, she went out 20 mins later. So it's pretty prevalent.
The only way I can deal w/ it is by doing things for myself. Last Fri. I went out w/ some women friends from high school (and that was a long time ago). We had a nice dinner out. Of course, all we talked about was our kids. It's funny that noone mentions their husbands. lol My DH really has no friends, so if he's not going out w/ me, he just stays home. It used to make me feel guilty when I went out w/ my friends, but I stopped that. It's not my fault that he doesn't have friends and I really need time out w/ the girls.