teens is all i can say
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| Thu, 02-23-2006 - 10:15am |
ok this is the second time i have put anything on this board as far as a problem, i have looked at others as for to help with problems i have had but dont seem to find one to help with this or i have missed it somewhere...
Here goes, I am with a wonderful man, that has two teen boys. These boys have been with him for eleven years alone( he is divorced, large battles with the ex over the kids and custody for the last 11 years so the kids know how to play both of them and do) anyway my problem is when we were dating the children were going out doing things with friends so we had time together to do things we found time to put everything in to place family time as well as alone time, even in his home because the kids went out. but now it seems i can not get any alone time with him. The mom does not visit with the children as far as her weekend visits, and they slacked off on going out with friends. They seem to want to have there dad do things with them but leave me out of everything to the point of picking things that i can not do because of health related issues...
the other problem i have is i stay home most of the time i have a part time job but do most of the cleaning in the home, seems that every day i clean something the older boy messes it i vaccum he makes sure he gets the floor dirty things like that they leave things laying around jackets papers books dishes ect .. they have no choirs to do but always ask for money and get it .. i have said something to him about this not the money thing but the choirs he said they dont have to, and if i want to give them money i will it is mine to give .. now the older one spends time in his room and his dad says it is because i am complaining to much about him or something is wrong we have had our rounds about this for over a year now i even left once but told him if i leave again i wont come back
what can i do .. if you need more info plz ask i will try to get it to you
i am just confused and at the end of my rope i dont want to be around the older one because he causes so much trouble for everyone else in the family not only me but his brother and his dad dont see all the things he does or does not want to see it

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Being married is HARD and even moreso if you are enterring a marriage that comes with two teenage boys already. Teens can be difficult in the best of times. Even solid relationships are tested.
If you love this man and want to stay in the marriage then step back a bit and put yourself in the shoes of these young boys for a second. They hardly see their mom. They've been living alone with dad for a long time. Here comes this woman they probably don't know very well stepping in and taking attention away from them and probably reminding them of the harmonious family life they never had.
So, before giving up entirely, how about reaching out to them for a change? By not pitching in and picking up after themselves they are testing their boundaries. They are disrespecting you for sure. But teens don't come with a built-in respect mechanism -- you have to earn it from them. How well do you really know these boys? How much of an interest do you take in their lives, their passions, their goals, their dreams?
I guess what I'm trying to understand is whether you are trying to be their step-mom or just trying to be their dad's new wife...
i undertand tok this is very difficult for you. it looks to me like you are so angry/frustrated/upset that you are not able to see this for what it is.
i apologize in advance if i insult you - that is not my intention. its just that i was in a second marriage with a child from my first marriage - and it was very difficult for both of us. to me - my child came first and i left that marriage.
see - I am not totally sure what you were expecting in the marraige. your husband has two kids - they are in his life and will be in his life for ever. you know that he was raising them on his own with little help from their mother.
it sounds to me like you are, for some reason, "blaming" these kids for YOUR problems in the marriage. and that is plain wrong. i am not saying that these kids are 'angels' - but they are (a) teens and (b) have been abanded by their mother and (c) now have a new parental figure to deal with. this is not going to be solved by you getting angry or threatening to leave your husband. you need to look into family counseling - when you discuss this with your husband don't "blame" and don't "complain" - simply say that *we* are having problems and I want to make sure that *we* work this out together.
hugs
sorry it seemed that way it is hard to put everything you want to say into a chat box and make ppl understand what you are saying maybe this was a bad idea trying to get advise sorry thanks for letting me post here anyway
Well if you are truly doing all you can to form a bond and relationship with these kids and all you are looking for is some "alone time", when you figure out how to do that come back here and let us in on the secret!!!
See the thing about getting married into a ready-made family is that you, yourself, haven't had time to adjust from being a couple to a family. For those of us who married and then had kids we went through that whole "never any time for us" thing when our kids were babies. And you know what? I struggled with that forever to the point where, unfortunately, my husband got his "alone time" with another woman.
I'm just saying if you want alone time without the kids then you have to plan for dinners out and the movies and stuff like that. They appear to be old enough to not need babysitters. But I STILL sense in your reply that you believe these kids are intentionally trying to drive you apart. I highly doubt that but that's how you feel. What alot of us were trying to say was that regardless how it might seem others are getting in your way, ultimately its up to YOU to make it work. And one way to do that is to gain these kids' love and trust.
I know this is hard for you and not having been there I can't give you any BTDT advice. I can, however, tell you something that my pastor tells all divorcees that are thinking about getting married again - pre-marital counseling including kids, if possible. Roles will shift and things will change and it helps going in to understand what some of those changes will be. It is impossible to predict all the changes but some are very common and can be worked out in advance. Since it is too late for that, I think my pastor would advise family counseling now or at the least marriage counseling. If he won't go, then go by yourself to get some help sorting out your feelings, thoughts, responses, etc.
If you can't afford counseling, check with your church. Often times pastors can provide counseling or they know of someone that can help you find affordable counseling.
Good Luck to you.
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It IS hard! I for one, have bungled up what I was trying to say on this board on more than one ocassion and then tried to backtrack. The folks on this board are known for having great advice and being ready to lend support.
I don't know anything at all about blended families, or about being a step-parent, but I do know that children, whether we give birth to them or whether they end up in our lives through marriage or some other way, change the dynamics of a male-female relationship -- significantly. Ain't two ways about it. It requires adjustment from everyone all the way around. It does seem to be a wee bit easier if you actually give birth to the creatures, but you can be sure their parents are doing some serious adjusting!
I imagine that your SS' now feel that the dynamics of their relationship with their DF have changed and they too, are wondering how to cope and how to behave. It's all new for everybody.
When they're babies and they're in distress and fussy, we try all sorts of different things to try and soothe them. If one thing doesn't work, we try something else. We keep trying different things until we find the one that works.
Maybe you just need to step back, take a deep breath and a good hard look at what's going on, and consider a different approach or method.
Like I said, no experience with your situation, just trying to offer a little support.
Hang in there,
Julie
Edited 2/23/2006 1:57 pm ET by julesnalpine
I think your SO has made it pretty clear that his boys do and always will come before your relationship. You can either put up and shut up or leave.
If your SO is unwilling to call a family meeting so he can make it clear to his boys that you are a co-parent and an adult in charge and that the boys must heed your word, ie., follow your direction and have respect and consideration for you and your role in SO's life, then there is basically nothing you can do to change things.
It seems to me that you have a decision to make. Yours is not a REAL relationship/partnership. You are a housekeeper and when it's convenient for your SO to include you in his life, he does as long as you're there waiting to be included. His TRUE relationship is with his boys, which as you stated, have been in his life a lot longer than you.
Listen, I am sorry if I'm too blunt. But I am married to a really great man who took on the task of being step dad to my two wonderful dd's for the past 12 years; he's been there for them emotionally and physically; he's helped them with homework, taught them to ride a bike, cheered them on at games, supported them in every way - he has been fully engaged as a co-parent. It matters not that he has no biological tie to my dd's. What matters is that he WANTS to be thier parent and I have ALLOWED thier relationship to evolved. I have set the tone in our home that says he is an important person in our lives and must be respected and has feelings and my dd's always have known this. From day one.
Your SO is not allowing your relationship with his sons to evolve. He's not making you a priority in thier lives or his and that is why your current situation will never change. You can't make it change all by yourself. You AND SO need to be on the same page, you need counseling and his kids need a few lessons in respect and consideration for others.
I hope you make the right decision for yourself - you must maintain your self respect because no one will respect you if you don't respect yourself.
Believe me, I understand. I probably came across more harshly than I intended and I sincerely apologize if I offended you. I did mean what I said, but I probably could have said it better.
I have no experience with blended families and I've never been in your shoes. Does this stop me from giving advice? Of course it doesn't!
Since they are teens and can probably be left alone for a few hours, why don't you schedule a date night with him? I have a friend who has a daughter and twin sons - the boys are teens now, but when they were little she and her dh had a standing date - every Thursday night. They would go to dinner or dinner and a movie and just about nothing intereferred with their "dates". Very cool.
This way, you don't have to wait for them to leave the house - you can just leave them!
jt
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