Teens and birth control

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Teens and birth control
12
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 8:39pm

Hi,

How do you feel about putting teens on birth control? I have a 16 year old daughter who has a steady boyfriend. He's a great guy, but they are teenagers and hormones are a raging!! Frankly I feel like I'd rather be proactive than always be wondering "are they?" and "are they protected??". I'd love some feedback because honestly, I really did not anticipate having to deal with these thoughts just yet.

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Wed, 05-10-2006 - 11:29pm

While I honestly hope my daughter waits a LONG time to become sexually active, if she were to be in a serious relationship that she felt was headed toward that, I would take her to the doctor, make SURE she's educated and protected.

Avatar for momtb4
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 1:24am

I always try to think about how I'd feel in her shoes. My mom didn't have a clue when I became sexually active. I went to planned parenthood and got myself on the pill. My DD is 11 now and we are already talking about waiting for marriage and why she should. It's really easy for my kids to look directly at my life and see it riddled full of mistakes. This was one of them. They can see what I did before I got married. And they can see exactly what I did while dating this last guy that was so much different, and how that has affected my marriage. My DH and I didn't sleep together before we got married. We were both married before and both sexually active before, so not sleeping together was hard, to say the least. We certainly didn't prolong the engagment phase! LOL

I would suggest talking to your dd about protecting herself from pregnancy, and about protecting herself from other things. Give her the talk about if you sleep with John, you also sleep with all the girls John slept with, and all the guys they slept with, and so on. Start adding it up and it's both gross and scary. Offer to either take her to a GYN or give her the info to get herself to PP. One way, you might get to know what is going on, the other, you won't have a clue. PP will not give you any info, but if you go to the gyn with her, and if you are allowed to stay in the room, you might get more info.

My DD just did the thing in health class about girls body changes. Some of what she related to me was correct. But I had to remind her I know a LOT more about pregnancy and birth than her teacher could even think about knowing. It's my area of expertise, so to speak, and that if she ever had any questions, or if her friends did, I'd be glad to answer them.

Based on my own personal history, I have no intention of allowing my DD to take birth control pills, or anything else hormonal.

I think I've wandered way off topic. I would just talk to her honestly, almost girl friend like. Maybe involve a couple of her girlfriends so you can establish yourself as the "go to mom" and then you'll always know what's going on. You could ask her girl friends to have a girls night over, and tell them that you want to talk to them all at the same time. Bring up the topic of boys and roll from there. I think once you get going, it will all come very easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-1999
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 7:25am

I'd be REALLY careful about talking to DD's friends without their parent's knowledge about such a sensitive topic.... might establish yourself as the go to mom for the friends, but as a real trouble maker who is trying to instill the "wrong" values in the girls from the other parent's perspectives.

Avatar for heartsandroses2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:21am

It is difficult, but at least you're thinking realistically and that's to your credit. Can you have an open discussion with your dd about her relationship? You don't need to know all the details, but it would be nice if you could at least get a small picture of what they are up to. This alone can open up the discussion about protecting her body, birth control and prevention of disease.

Although we'd all like our teens to wait till full adulthood to take that step, the reality is it doesn't always go the way we want it to. Good luck - I think you're on the right track.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2000
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 9:25am
I have to agree with Rose as far as the 'go to mom'.
Pam
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:51pm

I agree with the concept of a go-to mom, but I also agree that I wouldn't necessarily want some of the parents of kids my DDs age dispensing advice.

That said, my DD and I have an incredibly difficult time talking realistically and openly about things I know we need to discuss. I know she needs to discuss them with *someone* so I have set it up for 2 of the women in her life to be able to do so. She doesn't know it, and they've both agreed to not tell me every single word in order to protect DD's trust in them. If I need to know, or might need to know, I will be told. If it's just general conversation I get "we talked about X the other day. She had some good questions."

One of these women is my sister-in-law. She is 6 years younger than me and she and my brother are currently trying for a baby. She's closer to DDs age and has no kids so she's automatically "cooler" than Mom. The other is my Xs XGF. Odd, I know, but it seems to work. Since I have a more distant relationship with her DD feels safe talking to her. She is my age and is a mom of a 6 year old DD. Neither of these women is in DDs "daily" life so they don't get off on tangents or make connections to things other than the question at hand like I do.

The most important thing for this to work is that I have ongoing conversations with both women to insure we are on the same page in terms of beliefs, answers, advice, etc. and they both have agreed that if it's a sticky situation or they don't know what I would want DD to know/hear/etc that they will say, truthfully "I'm not sure how to answer that or what to say here. Let me think about it."

Do I want these women to replace me in this important role? Absolutely not. But I've also found that sometimes if DD gets her immediate question answered or gets positive information from one of them that she can and will talk to me more openly about it. I'm still learning how to talk to her and am getting better. In the meantime I want her to get correct, honest information along with opinions I agree with. I want her talking to *someone* who will offer answers in line with our family's beliefs...It also can show her that I'm not the only one that feels the way I do on certain topics: if the women she admires and looks up to feel the same way maybe I'm not so far off base after all!

Good luck!
Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 05-11-2006 - 12:54pm
I would certainly support you giving your DD info about birth control and telling her that you are willing to take her to the dr. if necessary, but when you say should you "put her on BC" it's like you are pushing her to have sex. Just because they are teens and have hormones, doesn't mean they are automatically going to have sex. I had a BF when I was in hs and we didn't have sex. I hope you would also let her know whatever your moral standards are. In my case, I would tell my DD that I don't think that anyone in hs is mature enough to have a sexual relatiionship and that I would hope that she waits til she's older and in a serious relationship. If she came to me and said she was having sex or wanting to have it, I would still take her to get BD cause I wouldn't want her to get pregnant when she's a teen, but I would still try to get it across to her (and I hope I have) that I'm not encouraging her to have sex when she's a teen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 11:38am
i think that it would be a really good idea to suggest the pill or other birth control to your daughter. i am 16 and hav just gon on the pill however my mum is so traditional that i find it really hard to talk to her about that kind of thing because i know that her first reaction will be an over dramatic one! being a girl in your daughters exact position, i would sy that they probably are doing some sort of sexual activity wich will probably progress to sex faster than you would think! i would love to have a mother who can understand that her daughter was going to have sex at some time and that time is now and be able to deal with that in a way that would benift the daughter and mother-daughter wouldnt need to worry about birth control and mother wouldnt have to worry about the risks of her daughter being pregnant.
i hope it goes ok :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 12:50pm
It is so hard to deal with the realization when our kids are ready to have sex. Family morals are so very important but we can't ignore that teens develop at different rates and have different personalities. Some are conservative and others take more risks. Some have a stronger sex drive than others making them feel like they are ready to experiment. So I think that depending on the individual will depend on whether having birth control will push them to have sex. Many boys buy condoms to hold onto just in case. My nephew had to throw his first condom out because he held onto it for so long it past it's experation date but he wasn't in a serious relationship either. Having said that, my own DD16 is in a serious relationship and is sexually active. It wasn't until after I knew she was sexually active that I took her to the dr's and put her on the pill.
Avatar for jupiterfit
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Wed, 07-19-2006 - 7:39am
My DD (17) was on the pill when she was in a serious relationship and continued for a little while after, but then quit taking it. She was always rather inconsistant with the pills. I would come across them and see that she forgot to take some of them. I have talked to her about it and she always says "I KNOW Mom!" but the same thing keeps happening. Now she has been off the pills for over a month. I noticed she lost some weight, which I think she likes. Those pills can cause weight gain. She is "in love" with a new guy and I am very worried about BC for her. I gave her a bunch of condoms a while back after a discussion on STDs (she contracted one from the old BF... another painful memory for me). I can never be sure she is using BC properly. I am considering the Depo shot but heard it is not that good. In a way... with her personality... I sometimes feel better about her not being on the pill, because she will probably not be so casual with sex. She will really have to think about it; as she tells me, she is not dumb. I KNOW she is not dumb, but she IS a risk-taker and lives her life by learning from her mistakes rather than avoiding them. Pregnancy would be too big of a life-altering mistake... I think she knows that, but I am never quite sure. Keeps me up at night.
Deb
Debbie

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