teens and church

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
teens and church
11
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 9:13pm

Hello all, I'm Mary and I have a tween and a teen.

My teen in Kayla, and she's 17. Since she was a small child, she's hated church. She never picked up on religious games, activities, bible stories as fun. Anyway, we've always made her come to church with us and attend activities.

Now, at 17, she's a good kid. Good grades, good parttime job. However, she refuses to come to church. She has repeatedly said she does not believe in our Christian faith, and poses legitimate questions and concerns that I, nor our pastor, can give satisfying answers for. She's rejected the more conservative stance our church takes on social issues, and is fully for gay rights, abortion, womens rights and such, and this causes quite the stir and arguments at larger family gatherings. (In her defense, she never brings it up, her grandparents and other adults do). I feel as though I've failed as a parent. I've given her reading material, but she wants none of it.

HELP! I don't want her setting a bad example for my tween.

TIA

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2006
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 10:05pm

I don't have any advice regarding increasing her church participation, but as far as being an example for your tween....you've said it yourself - she's a good student, she has a part-time job, and she's respectful of adults (doesn't bring up controversial topics with extended family). You should be proud that you've raised such a great kid.

IMHO, if your attempts to cajole or persuade her haven't worked so far, most likely they won't work now, when she's 17. You may have to accept that (for now) she's choosing a different path, and hope that she finds her own way to make her life meaningful.

((HUGS))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:26pm

oh - I would love to take a stab at her questions - I go to a Congergational church and I think I could shed some light for your dd - she can e-mail me if you think she would. Her questions sound interesting to me.

We actually have this kind of conversation in our family often - my inlaws go to very conservative churches and though we are both Christians we view things differently. We visited them over the summer and faith seemed to be a HUGE topic of conversation. Again - as I mentioned in a different post - teenagers love the big questions and faith is one of them. The fun and passion comes from finding the answers for herself.

So I think if I were you I would respect her opinion enough not to force her to go where she does not feel called to be. I think we are in a special time when it comes to faith and spirituality.

Courtney

Courtney

There's a great big beautiful tomorrow shining at the end of every day... there's a great big beautiful tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:38pm

It seems strange that even as a young child she did not like church, as most young kids do. Perhaps she's just an independent thinker--that's a GOOD thing!

I went to Catholic grade school. and high school, and stopped going to church when I went away to college. Because I married a Hindu, who saw Muslims and Hindus nonstop feuding and didn't want religion to turn our kids into fanatics, I agreed to letting our children grow up with no religion. That does NOT mean they grew up without morals. They have the same morals I did as a kid when I attended Catholic school, and my husband did when he attended a missionary school in India--the same morals we have now.

If your DD believes in gay rights, women's rights and the right to abortion, that's okay. A lot of us do. If she's being mean to people, being a hypocrite or committing crimes, then she is setting a bad example for your tween. You are setting the example for her, and as long as you're genuine, she'll pick up your morals, regardless of whether or not she attends church. Just because she believes in the right to abortion, does not mean that she, herself, would ever have an abortion. The fact that she can think for herself, and not be a follower, tells me she'll do alright in life!

Now if your tween is saying, "Big sister doesn't have to go to church, why do I?", just tell her that it's the family rule--until she's 17 years old, and can write an essay about the issues you mentioned in your post, she must go. If mandatory church attendance is how you choose to instill your morals in your children, then they should understand that it's obligatory.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2007
Sat, 09-08-2007 - 11:43pm
I was raised in a professionally catholic family and I, like your daughter, was never able to fully grasp the message.
I actually turned away and was very hateful until my 2nd year of college, I discovered a Universal Unitarian church. There I was able to learn about all different types of faith and how to be a good person spiritually and most importantly how to Respect other faiths.
So she doesn't go to the family church. maybe set special requests for holidays and that You also show the respect card and attend her church functions. She's attending church and hearing the message all on her own, and that's what you've been trying to instill in her from the begining.
Community Leader
Registered: 12-16-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:26am
Ack, this is one of my nightmares I have for my kids. They have always loved church, and dd is 13 and still loves it. I seen many prople leave the church. You have to pray that God's spirit is within her and she will return on her own. As to folowing secular society and not church law, that is hard since society is painting church teachings as wrong. Again, this may be something she learns on her own. My dh ran away from his Catholic upbringing in his early teens. After attending Lutheran services with the kids and me, he decided that the reasons he left were do to his church's policies and ignoring God would not benefit him. He went out and joined his local parish, in his late 30's!! His spiritual journey took a while, but he found his way home! I will say a prayer.

Ramona  Mom to 2 great kids and wife to one wonderful hubby since 1990!

Avatar for bookwormmom
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 12:33am
Hi Mary and welcome to the board. I have a 17 yr old dd also as well as a 15 yr old ds. They have both been raised in the Christian church and both been confirmed in our church. Although they both have attended church all their lives neither of them are crazy about attending. They do participate in some of the functions and have doen "community work" with the chruch, but they are not terribly involved.
My niece was raised in the church and once she was confirmed never went again and now says that she never did really believe all that the church believes. She is now 26 yrs old. she is a wonderful person, wife and mother. No she doesn't believe all the same things I do and neither do my kids, but that's okay. They have their own minds and I can't tell them what to believe. I also went through a time when I didn't attend church, but I came back.
I also have friend whose son went to Catholic schools till the end of HS and said he didn't believe, Just recently at 19 he has told her that he has discovered a faith he never had all those years.
So you never know what may happen. Be glad for the fact that your daughter seems to be living a Christian life even if she says she doesn't have the belief and faith that you wish she did. She sounds like an excellent role model for yoru other child.
You can't force a person to believe all it does when you try is turn them off.
Kristie
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:21am

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My only advice is to accept your older dd for who she is, respect her world view and keep inviting her to join you at church.

As for your tween. Teach her the Christian view of the issues your older dd has embrassed. Find her a good youth group that can surround her and become her "life group" and make sure that she sees you living your faith on a daily basis.

I don't think you can keep your younger child from the influences of her older sibling. How she views the opinions of her older sibling will have everything to do with how you teach her.

I hope this helps.
stacy

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:33am

I have this in my family as well. We were raised Roman Catholic and my kids both go to Catholic schools (one in high school and one in middle school). The Catholic faith takes very strong stances on issues like abortion, gay marriage, birth control, divorce, sex outside of marriage etc etc. These are very complex issues, as we are all well aware, and even I as an adult think the church is making them too "black and white" and their absolute inability to see any wiggle-room is unrealistic and non-supportive of true human sentiment.

What often made the difference for me over the years has been the priest and how well they empathisize with their congregation and their issues and concerns vs just preaching and proselytizing. For example, how do they support pregnant teens? Do they lecture them and make them feel like outcasts or do they truly try to help them? How do they deal with women who have married husbands who are unfaithful or addicts or abusive? Do they attempt to help these women get out of their situations, truly, or do they stick to the black and white of their vows? I've only been to once church and known one priest who was truly supportive of people in trouble.

My kids are very intelligent, very socially aware, very empathetic of people and their issues and concerns and as such question their faith regularly. As do I. But I merely remind them that regardless of the church they are in, or the symbols they choose to display or the words of the all-too-human priest, to attend church as a personal spiritual experience and a time to reflect. They don't have to follow everything to the T but to just find the grains of truth beneath all the politics and rhetoric...

Avatar for weberdns0
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2000
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 11:42am

Hi Mary,


Perhaps your solution is that your daughter try out other churches in the area and see what she thinks of them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2010
Sun, 09-09-2007 - 6:54pm

"Now, at 17, she's a good kid. Good grades, good parttime job."

How have you failed as a parent? You raised a good teen who gets good grades and has a job. Do you want her to believe everything you do or do you want her to grow and become her own person?

I too hated going to church as a child. The more my father made me go the more I resented it. Religion was never sometime I could believe in.

She is almost an adult and has the right to have different opinions than you do.

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