Teens and sex
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| Wed, 03-14-2007 - 8:02am |
I'm hoping you all can help me out here a little. My dd(almost 16) has been dating a very nice boy(16) for a few months. He comes over to our house (supervised) or they go on group outings to movies, games, etc. but I know where there's a will there's a way no matter how many rules I have. She has always stated she would not have sex until she is married. That sounded great when she didn't have a boyfriend but now....
We talk pretty openly about sex, etc. but I'm not sure how to say I'll put you on the pill or get you depo shots if you want without it sounding like "I know you're going to do it" or it sounding like I'm condoning it because I'm not. I have two nieces who had babies by the time they were 17 so I'm a little paranoid.
When I read the posts here they sound so eloquent and smooth so if you could help me out here a little with wording I would greatly appreciate it.

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http://www.pnhp.org/news/2009/october/meet_the_new_health_.php
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQTBYQlQ7yM
I think if you preface your statements and concerns with,
"I don't want to give you the impression that I am condoning premarital sexual activity or that I feel you're going to go against your personal beliefs, but the reality is, it can happen even when you've chosen otherwise and we need to consider some of your options of protection. Therefore...." and then go on.
You're already open with your discussions about sex. I think I can speak for everyone by saying that none of us want our teens to be sexually active; we'd rather they wait until they are more sure footed in life, more mature, and with a person who is on the same level playing field emotionally & intellectually. However, that doesn't always happen and we need to be realistic when we present this information and the many options involved to our teens. I personally believe that having more information, presented in a calm and intellectual fashion is better than having less information or information gained through a poor resource.
It's much easier to be eloquent when you have a delete and backspace key at your disposable (LOL). I simply sat my DD down and we talked about all the emotional consequences of pre-marital sex. That was and continues to be my main focus. However, I too was concerned about pregnancy so I just told her that I know right now you believe in abstinence and I'm so proud of you for that stance but I also know that alot of kids change their mind so please let me know if you do. I will assist you in getting birth control. I told her that I loved her more than anyone on this earth and that I wanted her safe and healthy first and foremost. I did not want going to some doctor at the health dept that just routinely prescribes the most trendy birth control around. Should the need arise, I wanted her to see a doctor that I trusted to put DD's health first. I also explained to her that I didn't want her hiding birth control from me, once again for possible health reasons. Suppose she was in an accident and needed medical attention. The doctors need to know what medications she is taking and yes, that includes birth control. I also pointed out to her that she might have questions about what to do if the birth control made her nauseous or had side effects - she would need to be able to ask me. I didn't want her getting that info from her uneducated friends. I promised her that if she asked for health I wouldn't judge or try to talk her out of it. I would however continue to my regular quarterly talks about the emotional consequences she would face. Her response to me was "mom, I just can't say I want birth control to you" I said fine put it in an e-mail, just let me know - your health comes first. I did get that e-mail, she was on birth control for over a year, and then decided she couldn't handle the emotional consequences of sex and is now abstinent. She's still dating the same boy.
(BTW, that doc appt was one of the roughest hours of my life.)
Good Luck!
H & R, you are GOOD!!!
I started out with "If I promise not to freak out, will you promise to be honest?" And then no matter what they tell you, you have GOT to not freak out, coz you promised. My kids have always known that i thought sex in highschool was not a good idea, but they all did it anyway. But realistically, between the media pressure, peer pressure, (which we didn't face at that age) and the "heat of the moment" (which we did), it's going to be the rare person who leaves their teens a virgin. Even my very conservative, straight-laced, highly religious DIL had slept with my DS before high school graduation.
Rose
Thank you all for your replies! You've been so helpful.
janetlz - My dd has definitely seen first hand how hard it is to be a teenage mother. It is and will continue to be life altering for my nieces. We've discussed stds as well. She will no longer use a public restroom unless she is extremely desperate!
heartandroses - "I don't want to give you the impression...." That's exactly how I feel. I am trying to be realistic but don't want her to think I'm giving the green light. I think that's a great start to our conversation and you're right no one wants their teen to be sexually active.
tobylady - Life would be so much easier if we did have backspace and delete keys, eventually I would get it right then!! LOL!! We have discussed extensively the emotional consequences of sex and pregnancy. I'm sure you are proud of your dd for knowing what she can and can not handle.
bunnierose - My dd has said that same thing to me "Mom promise you won't freak out I HAVE to tell you something" I have always kept my word and not freaked out but it's always been about her friends. It's led to many interesting conversations between us.
Hearts, can I borrow your script?
Haha - You're so funny! I don't think there is a script that is failproof for anything having to do with our kids. I mean, if there were we'd all have perfect teenagers, right?
Besides, everything I've done with my 19dd has worked like magic. However, with my dd17, I've had to alter and tweak my approach along the way - and like we've always said, there are no guarantees. All we can do is our best.
I bought a couple of books on sex over the years. The first one was basic personal hygiene type of stuff, talked about physical, emotional and mental changes that take place in early adolescence, the periods, zits, wet dreams, etc. I also had on hand a lot of women's health books with pictures!! My 17dd loved those books, but would plug her ears whenever I tried to have a serious discussion about her period. LOL. Eventually, I had to put out the bomber sex book. I felt so creepy and uncomfortable about it, but we have to step out of comfort zone often when we have kids, don't we? Anyway, the bomber sex book was not received well with my older dd at all - she was completely stunned that I gave her that book to glance through (this after she'd been dating her then bf 4 months). Later she said thank you, that it had been very helpful for her. OTOH, my 17dd soaked up that entire book like a sponge! But she still wouldn't talk with me about sex. Haha.
DD17 recently failed sex ed. Bwaaahaaaahaaa!! Can you imagine?? Both the health teacher and I were shocked. This, from little miss know-it-all! So for school, she has to repeat that portion of health class, but at home, it was a whole other story. I chose 3 books - BIG books, and I created a rubric-like outline for dd to follow and made her do research and write me a paper using only the 3 books of my choosing. No interent, no cut and paste. I wanted information beginning with her period, through BC, STD's, conception, the development of the fetus, the bodily changes in the fetus and the mother, labor, delivery, afterbirth, and care of the baby and the mother following delivery. It was quite a paper. I gave a copy to the health teacher proving that although my dd didn't know squat about sex ed, she sure as heck does now! LOL - when I handed her my assignment, her eyes BUGGED out of her head! I gave her ONE week to complete the assignment or I was cancelling her drivers exam. She got a B- on the paper due to some grammatical errors and she said that diaphragms were like female condoms. Back to the books sweetie. I had fun with this, can you tell?
I think if you bring it up constantly, without backup like books or pamphlets, it makes them turn a deaf ear to you, kwim? Do you have some books? If not, go get a couple. And even if the content of the book makes you queasy, buy it anyway. There are some things that kids need to know about that they don't want to hear passing through their mom's lips. lol. Just keep at it. I'm sure she's listening - she just may not want you to know she is listening.
What is that?