teens and sex
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teens and sex
| Mon, 10-03-2005 - 10:25pm |
I am a mother of a 16 yr. old daughter,she recently decided to live with my ex and his girlfriend. My daughter recently came over to my house to visit me for the weekend everything was going great until i was putting her makeup back into her pocket book and there was a condom in her pocketbook i'd like to die!!!! This is the first weekend i spent with my daughter in like a month. Because she didn't want the hassel of me crying and begging her to come back home . So we finally were getting along great and i was so happy to see her and here i find this. I begged her to come back home with me that she is going to ruin her life! I am sooo angery with her father because his reaction was like oh at least she is using something,Hello!!! this is seriouse especially when he always is at work in evenings and all weekend and is under the girlfriends supervision,which is an ex drug addict and has quit a bit of an influence over her because she's trying to be her cool friend!!!! I know because of daughters age if i took this to court she is of age to choose and it would be final because she'll choose ex over me because she's getting away more with him!!!I was a dam good mother to her and still am,I am broken hearted she is my baby,she did not do this when she was under my roof I know for a fact,he is going to ruin her not to mention he is turning her against me saying i'm so dramatic.The funny part about is I am the primary custdodial parent. I tried to prior to this calm down and do the reverse to have her come back home so i would't have to take this to court,but now this!!!help what do i do should i just have her come over another weekend and just never let her go back to ex hubby's house and take my chances she says she just doesn't want the hassel of him harassing her so what am i to think or do? Please help with your opinion I don't know what to do. she has changed ,if i don't force her to be with me she'll ruin her life!!!

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I am so sorry that you're going through this, it's so hard watching our kids go down a path other than the one that we'd choose for them.
Take a deep breath, and try to sort things out.
{{Bella}} I'm sorry you feel so awful, this certainly is a challenge. I am divorced from my dd's father and I think I would die if one of them chose to live with him (I know I wouldn't but I think I would).
I agree with Rose. You've raised her for these past 16 years and believe it or not those life lessons you've given her are still there - she's merely pushing her independence, spreading her wings and shrugging you off. I think she will come back - not in a physical sense, perhaps, but definitely in a moral sense. Having sex is not the equivalent to ruining one's life. And, having a condom does not necessarily mean she's already active sexually. My almost 16 dd stole some condoms from my other dd's drawer and she was not sexually active - she just liked the idea of having them.
Now I'm glad that I didn't flip out over it at the time, as she HAS become sexually active and at least I know that she's using protection (double actually because I put her on the pill) and she's using it correctly (because I taught her how).
I think that acknowledging your dd's sexuality, or experimentation therein, will help you to be less erratic in your emotions and instead focus on helping her navigate through the next couple years. Like Rose said, by being hysterical, forcing her to move back with you and lecturing her about what you want her to do or how to behave, will only push her further away from you and cause resentment. The fact is, she IS growing up - wouldn't you rather hold her hand from a distance and be the one she calls on when she's in a jam then have her go to virtual strangers or friends because she feels she can't relate with you?
By acknowedging and discussing her sexuality with her you are not condoning it, you're merely accepting what may be your (and her) reality.
I know it's hard - I'm going through it - but try to remain calm and see her as an individual rather than your little girl, or worse, your adversary. You don't have to be her friend, but you can be there for her. Many hugs.
First of all, please try to approach this with DD as calmly as possible. She will either learn she can trust you to remain calm in a crisis or she will learn that you will fall apart. I would not try to force her to change her living arrangements - this is her choice. You have raised her and she knows right from wrong and she made her choices with that in the back of her head.
I would, however, do a couple of things. First, I would make an appt and take her to the doctor for birth control. Explain to her that while you don't condone this, one of your responsibilities as her mom is to insure her safety and you will do that. Also, insist that she continue to use condoms in addition to birth control. If you take her to the doctor, she will be more likely to come to you for any questions that she might have about the proper use of birth control vs relying on her semi-knowledgeable friends.
Then I would discuss with her the emotional consequences of her actions. I'm sure she already knows the physical stuff - pregancy and STD's but the emotional stuff is often overlooked. She needs to know that people will view her differently. If she's having casual sex, boys will see her quite differently. Some of her female friends will also view her differently. If she's in a long-term relationship, the nature of this relationship will change. She should be aware of that. She may start to feel that he's only staying with her for sex. She may feel a stronger sense of commitment to him than before and not be as willing to break up with him later on. She should be aware of all these things. If she is a religious person, she will have some questions about her faith. You need to be prepared to answer those questions. In my work with teens at church, I am often asked about this. I usually remind them that while our faith doesn't condone premarital sex that God does forgive all. If you have this conversation with her, she probably won't say much, but she will be listening and at this point, that's the important thing. This conversation will open the door for future questions or comments from her.
The key to all this will be for you to remain as calm as possible and try not to control her. She's reached an age where you can't be with her every single second. You can't protect her from herself but you can be there to guide her and help her pick up the pieces (I know much easier said than done).
One more suggestion - if she says she isn't comfortable talking with you about this stuff, then say "well I'm going to say what I have to say and if you have anything to say, and aren't comfortable, feel free to write me, e-mail or call me on the phone." Not the best situation but better than no communication at all.
Good Luck!!
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. You feel like you've given every ounce of your energy into keeping her safe, feed, clothed, and loved and she's deserted you. That's got to be difficult. I've never been in that position but I know how betrayed I feel when DD just smarts off sometimes so I do know that it must be tough for you. I also know that oldest DD basically shut me out for several years b/c of some mistakes that i made when she was growing up. I tried to be patient with her. She has come back to me. She realizes that at the time I did what I thought was best for her and her sister. She also realizes that I really had no other choice. Life was crappy but it was the best I could do at the time. She knows that now. I'm sure your DD will see that in time. It doesn't take away the pain you are feeling now but I pray that my story will give you some hope.
I also had sex at a young age. I made the decision to discuss this with my children when/and if I ever felt it would serve a purpose. It has with both my children. With my oldest (23 and still a virgin), I told her when she was trying to reconcile her faith with the idea of premarital sex. It was jusst a few months ago that I told her how I had sex early and how difficult it was for me to reconcile that decision with my faith. With the youngest, she was 16 when I told her. With her, I explained to her that I had to sneak around to get birth control. That I had no one to ask about the proper usage, etc. I also explained to her how having sex at such a young age affected my relationship with my b/f (now DH). I know my DD pretty well and I am certain that she had made the decision to have sex before I told her all this but it did help to open some doors for discussion. The decision of whether or not to share one's personal history is a difficult one and just b/c it was the right one for me, doesn't mean it's right for everyone. I dearly love my DH and my girls know this and since he is the b/f I first had sex with, it made this decision alot easier for me. DH wasn't too thrilled about it but he pretty much leaves the "girl talk" up to me so he bowed to my judgement. Plese give this subject alot of thought. You might even discuss how to handle this with your mom or sister or someone that was involved in your life at the time and is still there b/c they know you and your DD. They might be able to shed a more objective light on this decision.
Good Luck and you and DD are in my thoughts and prayers.
How do you let your daughter know your history without letting her think she was a mistake?
Well, I got preg with J when I was 23, unmarried, and in a relationship that hadn't even come close to passing the test of time.
I agree with Rose. Depending on YOUR own outlook of how dd was conceived and accepted into your life will be how you can present it to her. You CAN share with her the joys she brought into your life, despite the difficult moments with her father.
When my girls were little, 2 and 4, I left thier father (for various reasons). Over the years, whenever we had a discussion about the separation, subsequent divorce and exH's and my relationship, I have always held fast to the fact that they were conceived in LOVE. Even though our (exh's and mine) relationship as a married couple ended, they were never loved less, they were definitely conceived in love and lovingly welcomed into our lives. Even when I found out I was pregnant with my younger dd, I knew in my heart that my marriage was failing. I loved and cherished that baby before she was born. I knew that my exh was a loser and wouldn't be there for the long haul. I never shared those particular feelings with my girls. However, I did explain to them that having a baby gave me a different perspective on life and as time progressed, I realized that I wanted different goals for myself - that meant that I needed to move on without exh. I know that sharing this information with my dd's has helped them in many ways to understand the various dynamics of having a serious relationship & sex at a young age. I *think* that sharing this information also helped us all be closer with one another and that's why they talk to me about most everything - sometimes too much, lol.
Now, despite what I think about my exh (not so many good thoughts), I have made a life for myself, as you have. Forgive me for being blunt, but you sound very filled with bitterness, which may be justifiable. However, you really need to find a way to release some of that anger and resentment and learn to refocus on you and your dd; and not on the wrongs of your exh. Everything you're feeling, whether it be about your exh, his girlfriend, thier new baby, your dd, and your relationship with any of them or all of them, is getting in the way of your creating a plan for the situation between you and your dd.
You have NO control over what your exh and his GF do with thier lives, or in fact, how they interact with your dd in thier home. If your dd were younger, much younger, then you could use a legal course of action somehow, but she's 16 and like you've said, she can petition the court on her own behalf to live with them. All you can do at this point is get yourself to some counseling and sort through all your feelings so you can live your life and try to salvage a small peice of the relationship you once had with your dd. Eventually, with hope, she will find her way home again. You can continue to maintain your positive influence in her life, despite how much she hates it or claims to hate it, and hope for the best.
It sounds to me like you feel that you must compete with exh and his gf. I don't get the impression that's what you're doing, but it does sound like you may feel that's your only alternative - not true. You can stick to your guns and be the supportive, loving, and morally upright parent in your dd's life. You don't have to cave or slip down to your exh's level in any way.
However, you must be realistic about a few things - if she's sexually active or becoming sexually active, the reality is that she must be protected against pregnancy and disease. And if that means she goes on the pill and buys condoms, then so be it. The alternative could mean an unwanted pregnancy or serious disease, STD's, etc. Which would you rather deal with?
Please find a counselor for yourself. Perhaps at some point, your dd would be willing to join you.
It sounds like there are several issues going on between you and your dd, and between you and your ex. The other posts gave you lots of good advice. I have a question that I didn't see addressed: You said that you found a condom in her purse. Do you know for a fact that she is sexually active? Is she with a steady bf or is she having casual sex with different boys? Is she having sex at her dad's home or elsewhere?
I'm asking these questions because I don't necessarily agree that having a condom in her possession=she is having sex=she will ruin her life.
Teens are able to get free condoms from different sources, and may keep them for "just in case" or to seem cool or because they need them. If she IS having sex the context would make a big difference to me, if she has been in a steady relationship with one boy vs having casual sex. I wouldn't condone a 16yo having sex but I could accept it better if the young couple had been steady for awhile and was "in love" rather than "friends with benefits". Either way, please make sure that she gets on birth control and has a supply of condoms to protect her from STDs. Preferably take her somewhere like Planned Parenthood where they are used to dealing with teens and will give her the facts in a non-judgemental way so she is more likely to believe them.
If you dd sees you as trying to control her then she may choose to do the opposite of what you want just to show that you cannot control her. If you tell her that her dad's lifestyle is wrong (living in sin) and that his gf is trashy then your dd may decide to think they are cool just to spite you. Try to trust that during the 16 years that you raised her you instilled good values in her, and she will remember those things in the long run. And remember that even if you convinced her to move back to your home that wouldn't necessarily stop her from having sex unless she is under house arrest. Try to help her to see that you are concerned about her welfare, not just about her doing things your way, and hopefully she will be interested in rebuilding her relationship with you. As some others mentioned you could probably benefit from some counseling to help you sort out all of the issues. Best of luck.
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