Teens Friends- Help
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|Wed, 06-18-2003 - 1:56pm|
19 yo ds had a friend who didn't have any guiedence from parents, no rules, no motivation from them etc. He was at our home alot and we even took him on vacation with us for a few years. We loved him and it was easy to have him around. His gf of 3 yrs is our neighbor and her parents called us for a "recommendation" before their dd could go out with him. My dh got him a job/career at his company. He is still like a son to us and now is doing well. At first our ds thought we were awful parents because we made him come home by curfew, do chores, get decent grades, and let us know where he is at all times. They are still good friends but both are so involved with their girlfriends that they don't spend much time together anymore.
16 yo ds has a friend who comes from a two family home and has had a difficult time dealing with many things. The breakup of his parents happened only 4 yrs ago. My ds has been friends with him for 7 yrs. The friend started hanging around with some kids who liked to party and ds distanced himself for a while. The friend said he wanted to get away from the bad influances and wanted to hang out with my ds more. They had a sleepover at friends house and snuck outside to see some girls. The girls had been drinking and wanted the two boys to drink to go T.P ing. Ds had not drank before and felt peer pressure to "try" a special drink that had made. It had several kinds of alchoal Mixed together. While walking the neighborhood to go T.P.ing the police found them. Friend ran off leaving the three of them to be sited for curfew violation and being drunk. We were called to pick up ds and when we were told that friend took off we were mad. We told ds that friend was no friend and I didn't want thim to see him anymore. Friend called me and said how sorry he was for getting ds involved and then leaving ds with all the blame. Friend told me all that he had done in the past and that he was on parolle and if he was caught he would go to DT. I told friend that it was up to ds if the friendship could survive this but friend didn't have anymore chances with me after this. I told him in no uncertain term that ds was my priority and that friend would have to answer to me if he let me down again. Friend and ds are still best friends and I have seen great progress in friend. Friends parents are also grateful to ds and I for helping with friend. They nolonger a friends with that group of partying friends.
Now 13 yo dd, she is not us strong when it comes to friends, she is more of a follower. She has been in trouble with friends before. Her friends seem to be just a little out there with boys. DD has lost my trust by telling me she's one place and going another. Currently she is on "House Arrest" as she likes to call it. Just the other day one of her friends who looks like she could be 16 came over. DD said that they wanted to go for a walk around the block. I said no and the reason was that I didn't trust her. She asked if she could go to a boys house. I again said no. She asked if he could come over to our house I said that would be okay. She then said he didn't know where we lived so she needed to meet him at the church 5 minutes away. I made the mistake of saying she had 10 minutes to be back instead of picking him up or just saying no. 15 minutes later I went looking for her and only found the boys who were also looking for her. I called the girls house to see if she told them where she was going to go once she got to our house. The friend was told she had to stay at our house and not walk the streets. I was now getting the friend in trouble with her parents too. This is the same friend my dd was with when she got her belly button pierced. The friend also got hers pierced but her parents didn't find out until 6 weeeks later as compared to our 3 days. I told friends parents that dd was going to be checked for more piercings when she got home. We went driving past dd other friends houses trying to find her we turn dd cell phone on and read some text messages that talked about making out with boys etc. Finially 90 minutes dd and friend came walking to our home with four older boys that I didn't know. DD said that they went to the wrong church and waited the boys she was supposed to met were at another church but these older boys happened along and invited them to their house so they walked 15 minutes away to their house. She said she saw us driving looking for us but friend didn't want to leave. We told friend to call her parents and they pick her up. DD was told that her trust situation was moving backwards not foreward. Now dd is mad that I called friends parents because friend is in trouble and mad at her. DD now wants to have another friend who I also don't trust come over and stay the night. New friend hangs around with a tough crowd and gets into trouble. DD says she is trying to change and that she wants dd to help her. I have told dd that she needs to make new friends but she doesn't want to, theses friends need her. The girls in our neighborhood are "weird" and she doesn't have anything in common with them, so she says.
With this very long history of my children and this difficult age of dd, I'm asking for advice in how I can encourage dd to choose better friends. I know that forbidding kids to do something can many times back fire on us. Now with school being out I can make it inconvienant for her to see some of them but she is very persistant. She is having her tonsils out on Friday and will be down for a week or so. She has a girls camp comming up next month. I have considered taking her to our rec center and seeing what is available during her free time, after she is healthy again. The friends is still a worry, at this age they have such an influence on them. Any things that might have helped you would be great.
Thanks for Listening, Shelly